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Original poster

Am I expecting too much?

33 replies

skettle · 19/12/2005 21:44

To cut a long story short, partner lives miles away from me with his mum, is in loads of debt, never brings any money down with him when he visits and never puts anything towards his keep when he stays...you can read the full story in my other posts.

Right, he's coming down for christmas, staying 3 nights and for christmas dinner. He has no money (no suprise there then) but borrowed £100 of his mum and got £80 for doing a job for someone so what does he do? spends it on a hire car to come down rather than getting a train/coach etc... has to be the most expensive option so of course, no money to come down with again.

Somehow he managed to find another £80 (I dont know where from) so again...I thought he had money to come down with but no, he's now told me that he's decided to set up a savings acount with it...again the idea of paying his way with me never crosses his mind.

Dont get me wrong, the savings account is a good sign but am I expecting too much to think he should come down with SOME money at least?? especially when he knows Ive paid for all the christmas dinner (and extras for him that nobody else eats like the christmas pudding).

I feel bad in one way because I know he has spent loads on christmas presents for me and the kids but it does piss me off that he never even offers to help out towards his cost of being here every fortnight. Im feeling it more at the moment as I am totally skint and have just paid out £50 on a christmas shop buying stuff that only he will be eating.

Please tell me if Im whinging over nothing!

OP posts:
feastofsteven · 19/12/2005 21:47

YOu know the answer to this - you are skint, you have spent £50 that would have been better used elsewhere, and your partner seems completely uninterested in paying his way. This is wholly unfair behaviour by him. Have you actually asked him directly for £50 to cover his food bill, and explained you are skint?

bauble99 · 19/12/2005 21:47

Does he help with the kids? Give you a lie-in while he takes them to the park etc?

troublesawmummykissingsanta · 19/12/2005 21:48

No you're not. Tell him that you don't have the money to do it, and that he can't expect you to keep paying for everything. Tell him you're trying you're best, but you need a bit of help from him.

bauble99 · 19/12/2005 21:49

I would almost be prepared to tolerate the lack of cash if he helped out 'in kind'.

Sleighmenere · 19/12/2005 21:50

Skettle, he is a child masquerading as an adult, and he seems to have no intention of improving his behaviour, how much of this can you put up with if you intend to have a serious partnership with him in the future?

followthestarlover · 19/12/2005 21:50

why buy stuff that only he will eat? i wouldn't do that.
i would also ask him for some money towards his food etc...

perhaps because you always do it he thinks you don't mind?

feastofsteven · 19/12/2005 21:50

btw you need to trust your own judgment more. if you can't tolerate this sort of behaviour in a relationship, that is a good enough reason for you to try and make changes to the situation.

OnTheFlossDayOfChristmas · 19/12/2005 21:51

Do you have any children together? Because if not I would get out now. My personal experiences are influencing me here, hugely and if he is wonderful in other ways then fine. MY DP is huge amounts of debt, I keep on finding out about more and more. ATM it is looking like its going to stop us going anywhere. He has all but agreed now that I am going to completely take over our finances. He can't be trusted with his cash, and whilst this is like treating him like a child, our family and its needs must come first. He said himself tonight that he is our biggest financial asset and liability.

If he is the father of your kids can I ask why you don't live with each other? He does not sound as though he is thinking of anyone other than himself.

Original poster
skettle · 19/12/2005 21:55

lol Im always up before him, its a bit of a sour point as on more than one occasion he has laid in bed until gone dinner time. I dont expect him to help out with the kids as they are not his but I dont think its too much to ask that he gets up earlyish (say 8:30-9am) when we only get every other weekend together.

Saying that though, he does usually help out with making tea now (he used to just sit on the playstation while I did it so he is trying) and he did wash up (without me asking him to!) after tea last weekend lol

Thing is, he is working full time, I'm not I just think he should have a bit of consideration to the fact that I am a single parent and not made of money. He often asks me to buy him magazines etc too and once picked up a load of DVD's in a shop and got me to pay for them...it was 'borrowed' money that never got returned.

He always buys me stuff when he has the money but in a way I wish he would just save it to help me out with the cost of him staying etc...

I feel a right stroppy cow lol, he's a nice bloke, he just doesnt think

OP posts:
Feistybird · 19/12/2005 21:57

If he has spent loads on Xmas presents for you and the kids, then maybe that lets him off the hook for Xmas (depends on how much he eats and drinks at yours I suppose).

But to do this on a regular basis....? well you know the answer to that don't you - should this become a more permanent relationship (i.e. if he moves in with you), you'll have lost your space and gained another child to look after.

feastofsteven · 19/12/2005 21:59

it doesn't matter how nice he is, you can still ditch him if he is causing you financial problems. you don't have to settle for the first "nice" bloke that shows an interest. and would he be that "nice" if you insisted he pay his way?

Original poster
skettle · 19/12/2005 22:12

grrr

Just speaking to him now, I mentioned in a jokey way that my mum had had a go at me for forking out for tesco finest christmas pud and he turned around and said "£5 for a christmas pudding is hardly extravagant!" I really dont think he realises how offensive that was, maybe Im just being touchy.. I dont know.

Ive also told him how skint the shop has made me and he has still made no offer to help out, then again he has no money so I dont suppose he can really.

OP posts:
thecattleareALOHing · 19/12/2005 22:14

You've been on here so often saying the same thing, haven't you? And we've all said the same thing? Why do you think things are going to suddenly change?

feastofsteven · 19/12/2005 22:17

Erm he could cancel the hire car, or get money out of the savings account if he REALLY wanted to help out.

uwilalalalalala · 19/12/2005 22:22

I would do the Christmas shop minus the things he alone wants. If he wants them, he can bring them.

Original poster
skettle · 19/12/2005 22:22

He's just told me I need to get yorkshire puddings and cranberry sauce too. I know he is being cheeky now. I told him he can get them himself.

OnTheFlossDayOfChristmas - he is also in loads of debt, £16k student loans £1ks on credit cards and loans and lives in his over-draft which is the main reason I have told him we cant move in together for a long time yet. Its a shame because he is a nice bloke, he just doesnt seem to understand.

OP posts:
uwilalalalalala · 19/12/2005 22:26

Skettle, he sounds a bit like my dh. DH would spend all of his money on a present for me and then have no money to pay the heating bill in January (hypothetic situation). Then he would be completely offended if I told him I'd rather have heat in January. He lives for the moment and suffers later. Your partner sounds like hee too isn't really looking at long term. If I hire this car, then I'll have no money for food". Yeah, I'm thinking get on the train... cattle class.

MyXmasPuddingSixpenceworth · 19/12/2005 22:33

If I were you, then when he comes down I would prepare food for you and the kids but not for him and simply say that you cannot afford to cater for him if he is not prepared to chip in. I certainly would not buy him anything! if he asked for stuff -eg the magazine or dvd's then, say, if he was with me at the shop, i would get to the checkout and seperate the items, paying for mine and leaving his for him to deal with, or if he was not with me i would simply come back without them and say sorry, i can't afford them you will have to buy them yourself.

from the outside, it sounds like he is using you, but i appreciate it is easy to look in on a situation with objectivity but not so straightforward when you are living it (oh lord, I do know that!!!!!)

Original poster
skettle · 19/12/2005 22:34

Im actually feeling a bit down about it now after spending £50 today on the christmas shop he's now proper complaining that I havnt got any yorkshire puddings or cranberry sauce! he's actually said that we'll have to get some even if its just for him because he "always has them with his christmas meal". Sometimes he can be really sweet but other times he acts like a spoilt brat. Its not that easy to offend me but he's managed it tonight.

OP posts:
ChunkerXmasCake · 19/12/2005 22:35

He's taking you for a ride, IMO. Ditch him.

Feistybird · 19/12/2005 22:37

Skettle, I don't mean to offend you, but he really does sound like an arse - or a spoilt child at best.

sobernoel · 19/12/2005 22:38

He sounds like a big kid to me, skettle, not a grown man. I know it's Christmas, but I'd ditch him, too. Or get him to ask his mum to send him down with his yorkshire puddings fgs.

MyXmasPuddingSixpenceworth · 19/12/2005 22:40

tbh, I think you should turn to him and say I am not your wallet, pay your way or don't let the door hit you in the arse on your way out.

Think about if you DID move in together - him working but keeping all his cash to spend on computer games and beer, while you struggle to feed everyone and pay all the bills - cos it really sounds like that is how it would be!

You resent him now, this feeling is not going to go away. He graces you with his presence the odd weekend, as long as you pay for everything while he's there? Selfish git.

COPPERfeelunderSantasTOP · 19/12/2005 22:42

I think the title of this thread should be "Is he expecting too much?" The answer would be a definite YES!

OnTheFlossDayOfChristmas · 19/12/2005 22:46

I really would advise you to get out of this relationship. DP was always at, the least, generous with his spending. This bloke sounds from what you have said, to be selfish, financially unreliable and with a complete lack of foresight.

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