Am I expecting too much?

[skettle]

To cut a long story short, partner lives miles away from me with his mum, is in loads of debt, never brings any money down with him when he visits and never puts anything towards his keep when he stays...you can read the full story in my other posts.

Right, he's coming down for christmas, staying 3 nights and for christmas dinner. He has no money (no suprise there then) but borrowed £100 of his mum and got £80 for doing a job for someone so what does he do? spends it on a hire car to come down rather than getting a train/coach etc... has to be the most expensive option so of course, no money to come down with again.

Somehow he managed to find another £80 (I dont know where from) so again...I thought he had money to come down with but no, he's now told me that he's decided to set up a savings acount with it...again the idea of paying his way with me never crosses his mind.

Dont get me wrong, the savings account is a good sign but am I expecting too much to think he should come down with SOME money at least?? especially when he knows Ive paid for all the christmas dinner (and extras for him that nobody else eats like the christmas pudding).

I feel bad in one way because I know he has spent loads on christmas presents for me and the kids but it does piss me off that he never even offers to help out towards his cost of being here every fortnight. Im feeling it more at the moment as I am totally skint and have just paid out £50 on a christmas shop buying stuff that only he will be eating.

Please tell me if Im whinging over nothing!

hi my xmaspuddingsworth, i was feeling quite miserable till i read your comment bout the door not hitting him in the arse on the way out!excellent, thankyou you made me smile, havent done that all day. anyway, i agree with you lot that hes a user and should be dumped. definitely dont give him the special foods you have bought for him even if they do go to waste. he'l probably sulk allday but itl be funny to watch.xx

Skettle, it is you who's been posting about this chap in the past, isn't it? I think this is the third thread I've seen where you're worried about him - the advice isn't changing - doesn't that tell you something?

ske - one phrase hon 'dump him' loose him like a sack of spuds!

u are most definatly not moaning over nothing then boy is acting like he's about 5 or something. I've read ur other threads (sure it was urs about him) he needs to grow upa nd realise as a parent u have to support ur kids first not him. sounds to me like he doesn't realise the value of money. my DH and I both work FT and I wouldn't dream of spending £5 on a xmas pud - it's a luxury that can cos t £2 at max.

anyhow off point. it's ur call but I think the man's takin u for a mug tbh. and as for the yorkshires - if he won't buy then (even thou they're only £1.00 odd from the shop) u can make them cheaper all u need is 2 eggs, 2oz flour 2 oz water 2 oz milk beat it up v hot oil in a tray and shove it in the oven. it's up to u hon but until he manages his money better it would be a no go for me i'm afraid.

(sorry I know I sound harsh but from what u've said he's seriously taking the micky)

i remember having a huge row in the middle of sainsburys with xp over sausages for him - im veggie, we lived apart, i was on benefits, he worked but paid nothing towards kids and he wanted me to buy a bag of sausages for nearly £4 cos they were nicer than the 88p ones. 'but arent i worth £4' he whined. no he wasnt. getting rid of him was the best thing i ever did. and when i met dp i was on benefits with 2 kids, he worked full time in a good job, but i still bought him a pint back for every pint he bought me! its just courtesy (he now pays for everythig for me and the kids and never complains about the lack of cash from kids dad) and unless im missing something, student loan shouldnt be a big deal cos you pay it off at a piddling amount when you are earning a decent amount of money. he is just selfish, and if you have no kids together i dont understand why you and your children are doing without to supply him with xmas pudding. you need to have a serious chat with him, ending in either him saying 'ok i'll pay my way' or you saying goodbye. sorry to be blunt but there it is.

Sometimes he can be really sweet but other times he acts like a spoilt brat

This is exactly how all CHILDREN behave !

Skettle, I'm sorry but you KNOW this isn't right ..... you've posted at length on this a few times now. I think you're hoping that someone here is going to defend him in some way, so you can justify continuing to stick with this guy who is so using you.

You say he's nice, but then - as before - contradict yourself by describing something which isn't nice at all.

Please GET RID. There are lots of nice blokes out there as goblin has found. You don't NEED this one .... he's stressing you out, making you angry and resentful, and broke.

Let's get to the point here ........ are you honestly saying that you're "happy" (and you're obviously not) to spend £50 on someone who "acts like a spoilt brat" and who thinks he's God's gift if he does the washing up occasionally, RATHER than have spent that same amount of money on extra presents for your children ?

He wants to get yorkie pudding for just himself? Okay, I retract the comment likening him to my DH who wouldn't do that. That is really selfish and hardly Cristian which is after all what the day is about.

I think you shouldn't spend any more money on food. In fact I'd be tempted to send him a top up list to pick up on the way down. If he can't afford it, suggest he cancel the car hire. If he doesn't cancel it, then make due with the food you have. I wouldn't be bitter or rude about it, just say you are out of money and there's nothing you can do.

yes, I agree with uwila! Reality has got to set in, in a non-confrontational way, before he drives you nuts.

skettle, why cant you move in together because of debts? Sorry, I am probably just being thick, but all graduates have huge debts. Wont it be years before he pays them off?
How can any relationship stand the strain of living apart for that long? Do you want to get together after the debts are paid off?
(sorry if too personal, just tell me to mind my own business)

Skettle,

Oh hun, its the same old story with him - and your good self isn't it. He is certainly taking you for a fool.

He may be a "nice" bloke as you put it but he to my mind is acting opposite. Sorry to say this but he acts completely selfishly to my mind without any consideration whatsoever for you and your children.

He's Walter Mitty personified - you have written before about his big ideas (trip to Florida) which all come to nothing.

You really and truly need help with your issues surrounding your own self esteem (I would suggest counselling to get to the root of this and yes it will be a painful journey for you) and lack of because this man is certainly not helping you. You have no confidence within yourself to read him the riot act and to give him his marching orders.

He's just another child in your life - you have two children. You do not need a manchild/aka third child. He will also set a bad example to your children and they will learn from all this also. You do not want to leave them such a legacy.

You keep burying your head in the sand over him don't you in the hopes that things will somehow get better. I will reiterate - you cannot save someone who does not want to be saved. Maybe you are also subconsciously trying to rescue him. You are certainly (along with his Mum) acting as his enabler bailing him out and buying him food that only he will eat.

If he was to move in with you it will become the worst decision you have ever made in your whole life.

You do need to be shot of him - he will just continue to use and abuse your good self otherwise.

Why do you continue to let yourself be used in such a way?