I think I am just a shitty person

[Itsallrubbish]

Have name-changed but am regular, been here for years, just don't want DH reading this.
Last marriage, finished because I had an affair (with current DH). He was not the only one - had a couple of flings in the last 2 years I was with ex - I was miserable and young and had tried to leave but didn't do the right thing. I think you can be excused (not excused, but you know what I mean) that kind of stuff once, but more than that and it starts to be a pattern and it's just your fault.

Recently things between me and DH have been hard. We've been together 7 years now. Kids/busy life/not connecting - you know. I don't know if I love him anymore. We don't have much in common. I think I jumped into it very quickly at a time when I was very miserable and vulnerable but I look at him now and think - we have nothing in common - I would not be friends with or be attracted to you if I met you now. I am not leaving him - I hold my family together, I'm the breadwinner and the person who makes it run. I will not break it up. But I had another affair. It did not become sexual but it would have been. Was not particularly emotional, but I felt that side of things was sustaining me. Other bloke called it off - he met someone else. I am missing him and sad, but he was right - what was the bloody point. I don't think I even wanted him that much, just wanted something. I feel stupid and sad.

I'm such a fucking shit, right? A horrible, horrible person. What if I am one of those people who can never be satisfied where they are? What if I am doomed to feel unsatisfied and miserable and crap and faking it forever? DH is happy, he knows nothing. I feel like I am treading water, going through the motions. I think it must be my fault. I wonder, if I knew what I know now about how relationships go, would I have stayed with previous Ex? I'm no happier (apart from I have my darling, darling DD). I think my daughter is the only person I love properly in the whole world, and I stupidly risked her happiness by fucking round again. I have to stay here forever, can I do it without going insane? I need to stay here and make it work for my DD, anything else is unthinkable. I can't keep having failed relationships, I have to make it work.

[solidgoldbrass]

What's shitty is the cultural obsession with heteromonogamy, the insistence that the only proper. real, 'grown-up' way to live is in a longterm monogamous relationship.
I would rather stick my head in a bucket of spiders for 20 years.
Unfortunately, a lot of people who find heteromonogamy boring, depressing, life-draining etc are told the fault is with them or that the fault is with the particular partner and they should find a new one. When the fault is with the institution and they would be better off binning that and starting again.

[Itsallrubbish]

Thank you for all the responses - sorry for not replying sooner, I kind of crashed and went to ground for a bit, but have done a lot of thinking.

No, I do not want to be on anyone's pedestal and am not interested in being adored, that's not it at all. Of course I am not proud of causing hurt, or proud of my behaviour - what a stupid thing to say - I'm not a complete sociopath.

I've been thinking about it very long and hard and have come to some conclusions:

1. I need to go to the doctor and get some anti-depressants (have had episodes of depression before and obsessive/compulsive behaviours, and am beginning to think this stuff is part of it, as it was when it last happened, with ExH)
   

1. I need to get myself well
   

1. While I'm doing that I need to do some proper talking with DH but will make no decisions about future of relationship until in a better place to make them
   

1. In the meantime I'm going to try really hard to do some stuff to re-connect with him.
   

1. And actually, no, with all due respect to aurynne I don't think I am toxic, I think I am sad and unhappy and have done things wrong which I am sorry for and regret. And I think I can change. Do you really not believe that people have the capacity to change? That we are doomed forever to repeat the same mistakes and behaviour patterns? I don't. What would be the point of anything if you believed that?

[izzywhizzysfritenite]

We're in the process of changing all the time, honey. From the renewal of the cells in our bodies to our thoughts and opinions, nothing stays the same and all things must pass.

You haven't said anything about your early life and often the cause of our present behaviour lies in the past. Have faith that we are not compelled to let our past adversely affect our future and look to start taking control of your thought patterns and your life.

[Itsallrubbish]

Thanks - I shall think on. I do believe it doesn't have to be this way and am determined that it won't be.