I think I am just a shitty person

[Itsallrubbish]

Have name-changed but am regular, been here for years, just don't want DH reading this.
Last marriage, finished because I had an affair (with current DH). He was not the only one - had a couple of flings in the last 2 years I was with ex - I was miserable and young and had tried to leave but didn't do the right thing. I think you can be excused (not excused, but you know what I mean) that kind of stuff once, but more than that and it starts to be a pattern and it's just your fault.

Recently things between me and DH have been hard. We've been together 7 years now. Kids/busy life/not connecting - you know. I don't know if I love him anymore. We don't have much in common. I think I jumped into it very quickly at a time when I was very miserable and vulnerable but I look at him now and think - we have nothing in common - I would not be friends with or be attracted to you if I met you now. I am not leaving him - I hold my family together, I'm the breadwinner and the person who makes it run. I will not break it up. But I had another affair. It did not become sexual but it would have been. Was not particularly emotional, but I felt that side of things was sustaining me. Other bloke called it off - he met someone else. I am missing him and sad, but he was right - what was the bloody point. I don't think I even wanted him that much, just wanted something. I feel stupid and sad.

I'm such a fucking shit, right? A horrible, horrible person. What if I am one of those people who can never be satisfied where they are? What if I am doomed to feel unsatisfied and miserable and crap and faking it forever? DH is happy, he knows nothing. I feel like I am treading water, going through the motions. I think it must be my fault. I wonder, if I knew what I know now about how relationships go, would I have stayed with previous Ex? I'm no happier (apart from I have my darling, darling DD). I think my daughter is the only person I love properly in the whole world, and I stupidly risked her happiness by fucking round again. I have to stay here forever, can I do it without going insane? I need to stay here and make it work for my DD, anything else is unthinkable. I can't keep having failed relationships, I have to make it work.

[Itsallrubbish]

Thanks - I shall think on. I do believe it doesn't have to be this way and am determined that it won't be.

[izzywhizzysfritenite]

We're in the process of changing all the time, honey. From the renewal of the cells in our bodies to our thoughts and opinions, nothing stays the same and all things must pass.

You haven't said anything about your early life and often the cause of our present behaviour lies in the past. Have faith that we are not compelled to let our past adversely affect our future and look to start taking control of your thought patterns and your life.

[Itsallrubbish]

Thank you for all the responses - sorry for not replying sooner, I kind of crashed and went to ground for a bit, but have done a lot of thinking.

No, I do not want to be on anyone's pedestal and am not interested in being adored, that's not it at all. Of course I am not proud of causing hurt, or proud of my behaviour - what a stupid thing to say - I'm not a complete sociopath.

I've been thinking about it very long and hard and have come to some conclusions:

1. I need to go to the doctor and get some anti-depressants (have had episodes of depression before and obsessive/compulsive behaviours, and am beginning to think this stuff is part of it, as it was when it last happened, with ExH)
   

1. I need to get myself well
   

1. While I'm doing that I need to do some proper talking with DH but will make no decisions about future of relationship until in a better place to make them
   

1. In the meantime I'm going to try really hard to do some stuff to re-connect with him.
   

1. And actually, no, with all due respect to aurynne I don't think I am toxic, I think I am sad and unhappy and have done things wrong which I am sorry for and regret. And I think I can change. Do you really not believe that people have the capacity to change? That we are doomed forever to repeat the same mistakes and behaviour patterns? I don't. What would be the point of anything if you believed that?

[solidgoldbrass]

What's shitty is the cultural obsession with heteromonogamy, the insistence that the only proper. real, 'grown-up' way to live is in a longterm monogamous relationship.
I would rather stick my head in a bucket of spiders for 20 years.
Unfortunately, a lot of people who find heteromonogamy boring, depressing, life-draining etc are told the fault is with them or that the fault is with the particular partner and they should find a new one. When the fault is with the institution and they would be better off binning that and starting again.

[joblot]

Very wise words from shroud and oldwoman.

Infinitely more useful than slagging off. Thanks

[ShroudOfHamsters]

PS: I meant talk to him about your feelings of ambivalence etc. - not the affair!

[ShroudOfHamsters]

No you aren't horrible - because you have recognised that your patterns are bad and you want to change them.

No you aren't stupid - because you can see that your patterns aren't making you happy, and worse - they are risking the happiness and security of the persons dearest to you.

But now you need to take tough action. Counselling/therapy is obviously the first step to unpicking why you are reacting like this and what you can do to change it. Get that sorted, meanwhile batten down the hatches right now on any decision making on your relationship.

FWIW here's my amateur psychology contribution:

You seem to be constantly looking outside to find your sources of happiness - when it comes to relationships, to other men - when things get tough, you automatically assume it's the other person who isn't right. Maybe that's true - but there's also the fact that the grass is never greener - that's why I say right now that you shouldn't make any decisions about your current relationship - maybe he is the wrong guy for you, but maybe the real problem is something within you which isn't going to get fixed by a new or different man. So hang fire on that separation and explore yourself first.

Real contentment and happiness comes from inside - cliche alert, but it's true. It's not conditional on other people. The folk with 40-year marriages under their belt - they know this, fully expect to have perhaps long stretches of time where things aren't great, where the relationship has to be worked at, where perhaps their source of joy and positivity is not primarily their relationship, but something else. I hope that doesn't sound patronising, I'm sure you know it's not always hearts and flowers! What I'm trying to say is perhaps you panic when you feel that real mundanity, that real ambivalence creep in - but it's normal, and you need to have the guts and SELF-belief to ride it out ad try and solve it for a goodish length of time before panicking, and you DEFINITELY need to resist all temptation to solve a problem WITHIN your relationship by quickly drafting in a new distraction. That's a diversion from unhappiness, not a solution to it.

Also I have found that my definition of what binds me and DH together changes over time. We have to work harder at some stuff, but other stuff cements things. You know the way you feel about your DD? Well your DH feels the same way about her. No-one else in the world does. That's powerful stuff.

I'm probably waffling. One major point: can you talk to him about this? Would he come for counselling (maybe later -I'd definitely go solo right now so you can delve in a way you couldn't with him there). If the answer is yes, that tells me right away that you have something that is worth a shot at rebuilding!

[BatTasteFlump]

I don't think you're a shitty person necessarily, just a bit of a messed up person who sounds very unhappy (and perhaps a bit immature? Are you quite young?). I'm sorry you're so unhappy, anyway.

I think it's a bit of a cop-out to say that your not cut out for monogamy, or that it's because its not a natural state, etc, yada yada. I think you need to stop thinking about making any major changes in your life ATM. You are not in a 'bad' relationship as such, and your H and DD are happy, right? Therefore I would concentrate on trying to sort yourself out. I would go to the docs (if you have a good, understanding one) and ask for counselling, or arrange it yourself. I think you need to have some help to work out why you don't ever feel happy with 'now' and stop yourself from falling into the pattern you are afraid of. A shitty person will sit back, knowing they are acting badly and carry on doing so. A good person tries to sort out their shitty behaviour

[GumballCharm]

It does seem as though you're defining yourself by men....as though you can't see yourself as you.

[Charbon]

There could be lots of reasons for your behaviour actually.

It's possible you're not cut out for monogamous relationships, but I have the feeling that isn't the problem.

It sounds to me as though you're someone who constantly needs to be desired intensely and as soon as your regular partner stops worshipping you and putting you on a pedestal, you go out in search of this particular fix. You have identified some of this yourself too, which is good. You said that with the most recent affair, you didn't want the OM for himself particularly, but that you just wanted "something". Identifying that "something" is essential.

If you opted for non-monogamy, I think you'd still crave the intensity and drama that characterises the start of an illicit relationship and you'd still have this need for someone, somewhere, to be in a state of helpless infatuation with you. But in a way, this allows you to become infatuated with yourself again, because the draw of these intense beginnings might not be about the other person, but about the feelings he induces in you, about you.

Some good quality pyscho-therapy might uncover why you behave the way you do and help you to identify your particular triggers. It's possible that there are clues in your childhood or your formative sexual relationships. Knowing why you behave destructively will help you to stop.

[BruciesDollyDealer]

you sound like a person who doesnt want to work at anything tbh

life isnt always rosy, you have to put in the work

[oldwomaninashoe]

I think you read too many fairy stories in your youth! ie you think that your happiness depends on finding a prince, and that will ensure your happiness for ever after.

Life's reality is that only in exceptional cases are people blissfully "happy ever after" but to be "content with oneself" ever after is what we should all be striving for.

So okay you have behaved badly in the past, you have a child now and she is your prority now, if your relationship with her father has now lost its sparkle , are you going to make any effort to add some shine to it?

If it is irrepairable then do the decent thing, and dissolve the relationship, and try being your own person for once. Try and show your daughter that you do not need just any old "prince" to be happy or content.

[Aislingorla]

Stupid, perhaps? Cruel, even? Get professional help and stop hurting people! Take a long, hard look at yourself and change the bits you don't like.

[Aislingorla]

You are not a 'shitty person' , but most definitely a cheat which is simply not tolerated on this thread unless you're female. A man posting as such would be hung, drawn and quartered by most of the 'nice, supportive ' women who post on Relationships.

[Getsboredeasily]

I understand exactly how you feel, my first marriage ended because I had an affair, I married at 21 and am horrified at how fickle I was. The marriage was over and we had been together 10 years, I should have done the right thing as you say, I didn't and ended up having a period of remorse years later that affected my health. I say now just because he was a bastard it didn't give me the right to be a bitch!

Now I find myself in a 15 year marriage and I am bored again and the maybe being single just suits some people resonates with me. My Mother had 4 husbands in total and got bored with every one. As people we just get bored easily and am really quite hyper. I do love my DH but I crave excitement. I will however never do it again. He is a good DH as well, the kind that many people would love to have so I feel shitty about myself too. Men were like moths to the flame with my Mother, I'm a little like that to.

A bit of self loathing has been good for me as if I had remained the way I was I would have ended up like my Mother and I am determined not to.

Just do the right thing, give yourself a break and don't slide in to an affair by accident or design. You will make yourslef feel worse.

[babyhammock]

What littlehouse said...

Hug from me too..
You sound totally fed up. Is there anyway you could have a bit of a holiday?

[LittleHousebytheRiver]

Ouch! How can you judgey people be so sure you are right?

Whether you are a shitty person or just an unhappy one who makes bad choices good for you for being brave enough to come on here and invite feedback. At least you are trying to change.

Have a hug!

[aurynne]

I second mynewpassion... I don't think you are a good person. If you had been a man, or you had been your Dh's ex-DW opening this post, everyone would agree you are quite shitty, actually. You may regret all the hurt you have caused, but regret does not seem to stop you from screwing up the lives of many more people. If you don't stop for the sake of your own daughter, really, who are you going to stop for?

Look at yourself on the mirror. Are you proud of what you see?

You are a toxic person. It is not too late to change, but I honestly doubt you will.

Do you ever wonder what your daughter will think of you when she grows up and learns about all the hurt you've caused?

[mynewpassion]

Yeah, I think you a bit of a shite person. I would say that about anybody who cheats on their spouse.

You also haven't learnt from your past mistakes. Still looking for men outside of your marriage to sustain your happiness.

Have you and your DH tried working at your marriage? Have you guys talked or gone to counseling? If you have and it still seems doomed, then better let each other go and raise your children in single parent households.

Let each other person find someone else who can make them happy.

[Orellia]

"Here at the stupid things I have done. I'm bad for doing these things."

"No, honey, you're just a human being. No one's perfect. You just need to get back on your feet."

"Wonderful, time to get back out there and make some more mistakes."


Don't look for some quick and easy solution, especially solace over the internet. Just stop making bad decisions. Think hard about what you're doing and make sure at the end of each day you've not done anything you may later regret or might not provide the right environment for your own wellbeing and - by extension - your children. Hard advice to follow, but certainly the right advice to give.

[Positivechanges]

You don't sound like a shitty person - just one who needs to re evaluate their life.

Have you considered counselling to talk through your feelings in a safe environment? It may be your relationship is just on a dull and you need to find ways to improve it. Alternatively it could be you have outgrown each other and need to consider either changes or ending your relationship.

Good luck

[solidgoldbrass]

Has anyone ever told you that heteromonogamy is neither natural nor compulsory? You sound like one of those people for whom longterm heteromonogamy simply doesn't work. That doesn't make you a bad person. THe way to deal with it is to acknowledge that it isn't what you want. Loads of people are not suited to conventional nuclear family-type relationships. The happy, sorted ones simply don't engage in such relationships. The ones who keep trying to make themselves live in what is basically an artificial construct which doesn't suit them make themselves and other people miserable.

[stayfornoone]

everyone makes mistakes. Remember that. What you are experiencing now sounds like punishment enough, you dont need to add to it. What you need to do is get to the root of why you are doing what you are doing.