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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anybody else been through this?

37 replies

GodKeepsGiving · 05/10/2011 15:34

DH has been an idiot this year. He has been having a virtual sex life and keeping images of a colleague in his file on his laptop. He's been looking at porn too and using hotmail messenger. On Christmas Day last year he got a message from someone who offered to hook up with him as they were in the same area. We can't split up as we have 6 children, 4 of which have special needs and neither of us could cope financially or any other way with the children. I would give anything to feel close to him again but I can't. That intimacy has gone and I don't know how to recapture it. He's apologised over and over but it feels like hollow words. I just do not know what to do. Has anyone else successfully repaired their relationship from a point like this?

OP posts:

BruciesDollyDealer · 05/10/2011 15:36

maybe its his way of getting away from the stress of every day life - sounds like both he and you have a lot on your plates.

you can only repair your relationship if you BOTH really want to and are BOTH willing to work really hard to do it

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 05/10/2011 15:38

Thanks Brucie, it's so hard! We start talking and it turns into a row. We'll just have to keep trying.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 05/10/2011 15:41

Marriage guidance? Relate?

Ime no way could it be regained, not for me anyway, we are all different

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 05/10/2011 15:46

Tiffany, this is my biggest fear, it's as though the man I loved is gone. We have a new baby to boot. It's left me feeling terrible about myself sexually - I feel that I am just a warm body and he could be thinking anything. We're waiting for counselling so I'm hoping that will help.

OP posts:

WhataTreat · 05/10/2011 15:55

You poor thing :( I found something very similar last week. Had a horrible gut feeling he'd been lying to me about sexual activity online, he reassured me. He went out so I had a snoop and found tons of conversations he'd been having with girls online, asking them to send photos and go on webcam for him. I'm trying to get past it but I feel exactly the same - sick, let down, like he's trampled all over my trust and it's left me feeling horrible about myself. He insists it's not a reflection on me but I'm finding that hard to believe.

I hope you get past it, and that he really means it when he says he's sorry. For me, I'm not sure I can trust him again.

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 05/10/2011 15:58

My husband had a webcam too which he kept on top of his pc- he swore it was to skype our daughter but she says this didn't happen. Now I've found loads of junk emails connecting him to pornographic camera sites. It's really horrid - I feel for you so much too.

OP posts:

WhataTreat · 05/10/2011 16:07

I think that fact that he lied and had the cheek to reassure me knowing it was all bollocks is the worst thing. Probably same for you! For what it's worth I've never had a problem with porn, but he knew anything performance based left me feeling hugely uncomfortable. It's the interaction I can't cope with. Getting his jollies to someone else. Eurgh, I really do feel that the internet has blurred the lines of what constitutes infidelity! Best of luck to you - mine has suggested a holiday to get away and forget it all, but I'm finding it hard just speaking to him right now. I completely understand how you're feeling!

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 05/10/2011 16:09

Have to make dinner - back soon.

OP posts:

HotBurrito1 · 05/10/2011 16:39

OP so sorry you have all this to deal with. It sounds really tough. No personal experience of this but speaking as someone with one child with ASD, I wonder how he gets the time for any of this? Are you getting breaks OP?

I think he would need to be making a massive effort if you are to start to even want to be around him -let alone want intimacy with him.

fiventhree · 05/10/2011 17:15

Well, not quite. I had a thread here last week about photos Id found etc, and he is still denying all. However, I dont think I believe him, and so I am thinking about these sorts of issues too.

I know what you mean about the intimacy going. Intimacy requires trust, doesnt it?

Im not sure whether you think this happened earlier in the year, or might still be. Do you trust him now?

Poor you, especially with 6 children with special needs.

Would you consider counselling?

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 05/10/2011 17:31

It had been ongoing from August last year according to him, although I think it had gone on longer. I found out bits from February onwards - don't trust him at all. He's also got some gender issues. We're going for counselling but can't afford to go private so it's a waiting game. I'm stuck here any way.

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fiventhree · 05/10/2011 18:21

I wonder whether your doctor would sort out some more urgent counselling for you. Mostly people should have to wait if necessary, but absolutely not when you also have 4 children with sn and a baby. Wouldnt hurt to ask them.

Are the gender issues related to the online stuff?

Personally, I am still trying to get my head around what these sites actually are, how they work, what types. If I am this shattered just from the horrible snooping and suspicion, then I cant imagine how you must feel. My kids are all at school.

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 05/10/2011 18:40

Apparently he's had long standing gender issues and he wouldn't sleep with me for ages - it turned out he'd been carrying my undies around in his pocket and used to buy loads of it when he lived on his own. Said he wanted to be a girl when he was a child, but not now. I feel like he was getting a sexual kick out of me without me knowing, and I'm worried that's the thrill, rather than the underwear, since the colleague didn't know about the picture - it was just a head and shoulders image. I asked him if he found her attractive, his response was that he did not, but that he just thought she was pretty. And then I actually feel guilty for snooping? Isn't it ridiculous? At first, he denied knowing who she was but it eventually became obvious that he'd copied her image from facebook. It's an absolute nightmare.

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fiventhree · 05/10/2011 19:13

Yes, it is ridiculous, when you have good reason to.

So you think he uses your underwear or images of women he doesnt actually network with online for sexual pleasure? I suppose I wouldnt care about the former ie the underwear, if that was the case. Although tbh if he bought himself underwear in the past it sounds more like a gender issue.

You dont think he is seeing the colleague?

Still think that counselling is urgent, for you, anyway.

fiventhree · 05/10/2011 19:16

Just reread your last post. I would mind about the underwear if he wasnt sleeping with me, in fact.

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 05/10/2011 19:18

No, I have a friend who works with her and she knows her personally, she has a boyfriend who my friend has met. The issue with the underwear for me is that he wouldn't have sex with me, but was able to get a thrill out of my underwear without my consent. I feel like he's done the same with this girl from work. You're absolutely right, we do need urgent counselling. I don't want to be without him, I'm just not sure who he is.

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fiventhree · 05/10/2011 19:26

so what do you think your options are?

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 05/10/2011 19:32

I really need to find a way through it. Neither of us could manage the children on our own and I don't want to leave him. I did for a while, and he blankly refused to move out. He just said (even after I begged him to go), that he wasn't prepared to leave his home. As coldly as that. I still love him - irritatingly. I wish I didn't it would be so much simpler. And he's a fantastic Dad. But I feel so alone. Mumsnet has been a lifeline! Are you going for counselling, or do you think you'll be okay?

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 05/10/2011 19:38

Don't want to be harsh towards you but was it absolutely necessary to have 6 kids? He's clearly not bought into it anyway, not in the true sense...

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 05/10/2011 19:41

Helltotheno, I was sterilised after baby number 5 and it failed. The children are absolutely not the problem and their difficulties weren't immediately apparent. Can we stick to helpful remarks please since the situation is difficult enough :)

OP posts:

BlowHole · 05/10/2011 19:42

You say you don't want to be harsh Helltotheno?

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 05/10/2011 19:44

Thanks Blowhole - I wouldn't change any of them.

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Helltotheno · 05/10/2011 19:46

Sorry OP. But I'll stick to my point that he clearly hasn't bought into it since he's supposed to be committed to you in order to keep your family unit strong. The children themselves are never the problem but the quantity can't be helping.

But yes I can see how that's no help. Really hope it all works out for you :)

BlowHole · 05/10/2011 19:46

BlowHole · 05/10/2011 19:47

That was to the op by the way.

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