Anybody else been through this?

[GodKeepsGiving]

DH has been an idiot this year. He has been having a virtual sex life and keeping images of a colleague in his file on his laptop. He's been looking at porn too and using hotmail messenger. On Christmas Day last year he got a message from someone who offered to hook up with him as they were in the same area. We can't split up as we have 6 children, 4 of which have special needs and neither of us could cope financially or any other way with the children. I would give anything to feel close to him again but I can't. That intimacy has gone and I don't know how to recapture it. He's apologised over and over but it feels like hollow words. I just do not know what to do. Has anyone else successfully repaired their relationship from a point like this?

And :) to you too BlowHole

Thanks Helltotheno. We are Christians who are supposed to live by what the Bible says and to me, each child is a gift. The quantity can be a bit stressful, but they have good points to so it's bearable :). But you're right about his lack of commitment. I'd talk to our friends at church but to be honest I'm embarrassed. Being a larger family, people already have preconceptions and I really don't want to be pitied! Hopefully things will improve soon.

to everyone then

:) to BlowHole and Helltotheno....

I am confused about what you mean by gender issues-can you clarify this a bit? Is he wearing your undies/buying womens underwear for himself or for you?

Sorry but I agree with the other poster-of course the fact thats you have 6 kids has a bearing on this-that would be a strain on any relationship.And I say this as someone who would loved to have had a bigger family.

You mention you are christians-is there any way you could access counselling through your church? No need to be embaressed-your dh is in the wrong here not you and surely your congregation would want to help you both?

Pink4ever, it probably doesn't help massively, but I am quite sensitive to criticism about the size of my family :). I had been sterilised because I had health problems, but became pregnant anyway and would not abort unless it was for very serious health issues. He has worn my undies which in itself I can cope with , not being told until after our 6th baby is more of a shock. He says he used to want to be a woman but doesn't now - it's just a sexual thing. But he has lied so much! Maybe church could point us in a non-specific direction for counselling - we need to do something. He's done some horrible things but he's still my husband. Thanks for your input ;)

Certainly wasnt meant to be a critism-I would love to have more kids but sadly cant afford it.

I think you need to sort out counselling asap and tell your dh that he needs to be comepletely honest-both to you and to himself.

Thanks pink4ever - just having a look locally to see if we could get some sort of urgent therapy. Our local NHS service has a long waiting list, which we are on, but I'll see if there is anything privately. Hopefully he'll be able to be more open there.

Managed to get back on mn- 15 yr old daughter looking over shoulder last night, so logged out.

I bit of urgent and immediate counselling can be found on line at a live chat part of relate. Its tricky when its a complicated situation and online, but i found it useful for half an hour the other day.

Does the NHS realise that you have 6 children etc- it would not hurt to return to the doctor and try a different approach to see if you can get up the list. I also wonder whether an organisation such as BACP may be able to suggest a quicker but free solution?

Or maybe research a book you could read in the meantime? That may help- I dont know any, but I have seen some mentioned elsewhere on the relationships thread, so may be worth a search.

Finally, is there any family member or friend in whom you could confide?

He sounds like a seedy old perv but maybe he is just using it to "hide" from everyday life.
I have n o experience of this but did make myself a lone parent of 4 and did in fact cope.None with sn but one was 8 months and another older one with severe health needs.Im not saying thats the answer for you tho but maybe if you cant get it back on track then split up but remain together as parents.This would at least leave you both free to lead your own lives and not be hurt by the others behaviour.

Thanks fiventhree, I will try relate online. The doctor knows about our family situation but don't seem keen to rush anything through. I have no family (dead and estranged) and DH's family are elderly, but there is someone at church I could talk to. My 14 yr old is just as bad! Thanks again for looking into things for me, I will give relate a try later.

Ledkr, that is one avenue I have considered frequently. I really don't want the children to lose their stability. You did really well on your own with 4, especially with one having severe health needs. Did you get much support? I find that very inspiring (hope you don't think I'm being patronising) .