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Original poster

how to handle husbands new bride on wedding top table with me

71 replies

hamblehoney · 04/10/2011 14:36

My son of 29 getting married sep 2012 and has invited his stepmother to be on to table along with me whom I absolutely hate. Have almost said Iwont go to the wedding if thats the case. He is quite stubborn, so am I but he is hurting me so much I cant stop crying.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 04/10/2011 18:36

I don't care whether the OP comes back or not, I think this is a lovely thread. I got a medal and a namecheck.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/10/2011 18:36

... bear it, CroissantNeuf (great name that), as in carry, not bare as in take its clothes off.

HerdOfTinyElephants · 04/10/2011 18:48

Although if OP does bare it it more-or-less guarantees that no one will be looking at her XH's DW...

PamBeesly · 04/10/2011 18:49

You don't have to engage with her, you have to be there and be proud and supportive of your son that day. Rise above it and have dignity, its his day and he has two parents he loves. Enjoy your day (insofar as your son is getting married and is very happy)

Yama · 04/10/2011 18:58

I feel for you Hamblehoney.

I didn't occur to dh to put his father's wife on the top table. He wouldn't have done that to his Mum even if it had occurred to him.

I get how you feel.

LoveInAColdClimate · 04/10/2011 19:01

Sorry, OP, but you'll just have to smile politely and suck it up. Just make sure you look absolutely wonderful!

mamas12 · 04/10/2011 19:02

Parents go on the top table
Don't know how long he has been remarried though and that make a bearing on the situation.

I understand completely how hurt you are feeling , you are his mother no her. Unless she has been his stepmother since he was a baby and has seriously been in his life all that time then it is hurtful for you yes.

BUT PARENTS on the top table is the etiquette and she should really be put onto another table.

You have to go to your own sons wedding though, you'll have to go and BE/DO the mother of the groom so well

mouldyironingboard · 04/10/2011 19:10

If it bothers you so much then just go to the wedding ceremony, pose for a few pictures and don't attend the reception or meal afterwards. My DH did this for his DC's graduations and it worked well.

Just to explain, I'm not 'allowed' to attend anything as his ex hates me and tells everyone (including the DC) how much she hates me. I haven't seen the DC for many years and I wasn't the OW so I'm not sure why his ex can't move on but we know she kicks off at the mere mention of my name.

If you can't be the bigger person and put your son first on his wedding day, then at least try not to let your feelings cause any upset for your ex, his wife or the other wedding guests.

maleview70 · 04/10/2011 19:16

It amazes me how long people drag some shit on for. What a wasted emotion. Shit happens in life.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 04/10/2011 19:29

If she was involved in the break-up of your marriage, then I don't blame you and I think it is unfair of your son to have her there.

If not, I think you need to get over yourself and just go.

ImperialBlether · 04/10/2011 19:51

Phone your son and tell him you're so sorry, you were being selfish, that of course it's up to him who he invites and you'd love to be there. Ask him whether you could bring someone with you.

Whatever you do, when you're there, don't drink too much. If you're within yards of her, say with a smile "Lovely dress" and scoot off.

ImperialBlether · 04/10/2011 19:52

Bloody hell, whose idea was it for the bride and groom to sit with all the children? That would ruin the day!

MrsBradleyCooper · 04/10/2011 20:03

"Bloody hell, whose idea was it for the bride and groom to sit with all the children? That would ruin the day!"

My thoughts exactly!

CroissantNeuf · 04/10/2011 20:04

Anniegetyourgun -thank you, I got confused as you can 'bare' your emotions.

RubyrooUK · 04/10/2011 20:18

I agree with all the people who have said that yes, it's hard, but this is just another one of those many mothering occasions where your son and his happiness have to come first.

The loveliest thing my (very much divorced) parents did before my wedding was make a big deal of talking to each other and letting me know they were both very excited about me getting wed and saying: "Oh I'm sure you weren't worrying about us getting on, but of course we will both be so excited to be there on the day together as you are our child."

And my parents even met up with their new partners before and after to make sure everyone had met and so it was all about me on the day, no-one was dreading meeting each other and I didn't have to worry. They did this without me asking.

I know I've made it sound easy but that is not the history here. At all. This took big guts from my mum and dad (particularly my mum) but I not only recognised it but really loved them for it. You can do the same for your son and knowing how happy you will make him on his wedding day must surely be far more important than anything else.

zipzap · 04/10/2011 23:06

is there anyone that you could take with you - a partner or friend - so that you have someone with you during the day for support?

LadyLapsang · 04/10/2011 23:45

Think about your language OP, my DS wants me to sit with my ex- husband and his DW on the top table - the 'new bride' will be your DS's wife, your new DIL. Agree with everyone else, it's their day, not yours. Do whatever it takes to behave well. Don't ruin your future with your son.

aylsham · 04/10/2011 23:54

just to put a different perspective on this, I have been the second wife at a stepson's wedding, where his mother 'threatened' not to go if I was there and then 'threatened' not to go if I was on the top table. To put it into context, I was not the cause of their split and this was some 15 years after my husband and I had been living together/married.

I absolutely agree it is the bride and groom's day and so offered not to go if it made it easier for everyone. To me it was most important that stepson had both is mother and his father there, even though I was of course upset by the ulitmatum. My stepson and his fiancee insisted that they wanted me there. We were quite close. My husband was adamant that he would not go if I was not invited and there (very loyal).

So, new inlaws-to-be (bride's parents) came up with a very good scheme that kept everyone (SS''s mum, I mean really) happy (ish - she's never really happy!).

They had a horizontal top table with three 'legs' coming out. I was at the top of the middle leg and absolutely opposite my husband so much closer to him than I would have been if we were both on the horizontal 'top' table. (Hope that makes sense - imagine the letter E and then it should. My brother and his wife were also invited and my two sons, also on the middle leg of the E, so it worked very well for everyone. And First Wife had no excuse not to go - her demands had been met. Incidentally, we bumped into each other in the loo and I congratulated her saying 'it's all lovely, you must be very proud'. She ignored me. After 15 years!

gapants · 05/10/2011 10:25

still no op then?

holyShmoley · 05/10/2011 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BruciesDollyDealer · 05/10/2011 10:29

my sisters MIL is like that wrt the woman her FIL lives with. Ridiculous really as they have been split up nearly 30 years. The sons see their dad and his partner regularly but arent allowed to admit it and the grandkids are sworn to secrecy. Very very daft

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