Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how to handle husbands new bride on wedding top table with me

71 replies

hamblehoney · 04/10/2011 14:36

My son of 29 getting married sep 2012 and has invited his stepmother to be on to table along with me whom I absolutely hate. Have almost said Iwont go to the wedding if thats the case. He is quite stubborn, so am I but he is hurting me so much I cant stop crying.

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 04/10/2011 15:35

You have to accept she's part of your DS's life, and he is right to include her.

A lot of people I know who got married in their late 20s/early 30's had huge parental issues due to divorces and remarriages, mainly because since the DCs hit their late teens, the divorced parents haven't had to see each other until their DCs start getting married. With one couple it was 15+ years since the divorced parents had even said 2 words to each other and of course that's going to be tricky compared to when you saw them at access visits each week.

I suggest if you want to avoid making your DS's big day about you (which you should), say while you're worried about it, you don't want to put a dark cloud over the day, so your only request should be that you're not sat next to her, and that you take the traditional 'mother of the groom' seat next to the father of the bride, not the Step mum.

I would also suggest as hard as it is for you, can you suggest an engagement party where she'll be there too, so you can get the 'first meeting in years' thing over and done with? Smile, be polite and show your son and future DIL you are just happy for them, everyone else are just window dressing.

JodieSwirlTapBuff · 04/10/2011 15:40

Oh God. Poor you. How inexpressibly shit.

but you only have choice.

Get your hair and nails done, buy a frock of discreet but obvious style and expense, spritz yourself with some Chanel and behave with impeccable calm and friendliness.

Disclaimer: not sure I would have the guts and aplomb to do similar.

minouminou · 04/10/2011 15:46

Right - you've got a year to hit the gym, get a butt like Pippa Middleton and turn up in a stylish yet subtle outfit and do yourself proud.
You may not like it, but like everyone else has said - it's your son's day, and chances are scarcely anyone will give your relationship with this woman a second thought.

Get in there, be civil and you'll feel like a great big weight has been lifted.

TheMitfordsMaid · 04/10/2011 15:47

Please don't turn into my mother, who has made it impossible for me to arrange any sort of party for my child at which grandparents have been able to come. It has been years since my father remarried and she still gives me grief about my stepmother.

PotteringAlong · 04/10/2011 15:54

you wouldn't go to your son's wedding because of someone else? So you hate her more than you love him? I know that sounds harsh but you do realise that's what it comes down to, don't you?

As lots of others have said, it's not your day, it's theirs. He obviously wants his stepmother to be at top table so I'm afraid you need to smile and be polite and remember that this is one day where you simply don't matter as much as the wishes of your sone and DIL...

PurplePossum · 04/10/2011 15:59

He's not your husband. If you love your son, which I'm assuming you do, realise that his wedding is not about you, pull yourself together and grin and bear it.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/10/2011 16:01

As has already been said, it's your son and his bride's day and, ultimately, you should endeavour to mask your feelings, put a smile on your face, and do everything you can to ensure that no-one knows the hurt you may be feeling inside.

However, strictly speaking, etiquette dictates that the bride and groom's parents sit at the top table either side of the happy couple and that, unless one or more of the parents are deceased, steps sit elsewhere.

Perhaps you will be seated beside your son with your ex sitting next to you with the stepm on his other side? This is somewhat unconventional but at least you will not have to make any conversation with her during the wedding breakfast.

In any event, it's not for another year - no need to stress yourself at this point as there's plenty of time for you to choose an outfit that will make her look like a dowdy frump in the photos and take a crash course in voodoo Grin

MrsBradleyCooper · 04/10/2011 16:02

I'm sorry but I think your thread title is very misleading. If your son's father is getting married to another lady, then he is not your husband, he is your ex husband.

Obviously I don't know your history, and you may well be very justified to hate this lady, but rather than focusing on your son hurting you, think about how awful it must be for your son to be stuck in the middle like this.

He obviously wants both of his parents to be there. You can't expect him not to invite his dad's partner.

You don't need to speak to the woman, especially if she is down the other end of the table.

Perhaps it would help you to talk about why you feel this way about the situation? Maybe we can help you through it?

HerdOfTinyElephants · 04/10/2011 16:23

DH's mother said she wouldn't come to our wedding, and nor would his sisters, if DH's father's fiancee (now wife) was there. We gave in but it's now eleven years later and I am still fuming about it and posting on message boards. And, of course, it's come up at every christening and other family event since then so nothing was actually resolved and I could go on a very long rant about those.

Your issues with your XH and his new wife are between the three of you. They are nothing to do with your son or his new wife. The least you can do for your son is to turn up and be civil to other guests at his wedding.

Poogles · 04/10/2011 16:34

How would you feel if you were remarried & your ex refused to go if your new husband was going/sitting on the table? Would you be angry that your ex would put your DS in such an awkward position during such a stressful time?

Don't give your son an ultimatum - you might not like his choice, and even if you do, it will always be there between you.

As others have said, suck it up and go glam (easier said than done I know!)

cat64 · 04/10/2011 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ThePosieParker · 04/10/2011 16:49

Well it's your son's day blah d blah....but no reason for you not to plan how to rise above it and look amazing!!

gapants · 04/10/2011 16:50

where is the op?

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 04/10/2011 16:52

It is for this very reason I try and keep things as amicable as I can between my ex, his dw and me and dh.
My ex and his wife have not always made this easy but we are getting there now and me and dw have each other numbers and have a cuppa together at drop off and things.

We are in this together for the long haul and like someone else said we are both going to be grandparents at parties and things in the future and it is far more comfortable for everyone if we can at least be civil to each other.

When ex and I were planning our wedding we dreaded it TBH as his dad is so bitter towards ex's mum and it caused a lot of anxiety and stress for everyone.
I'm afraid you just have to get on with it and go to the wedding with a smile on, or be that bitter person that everyone will think badly of if you don't go.

gapants · 04/10/2011 16:55

OK, the Op has no posting history. hamblehoney can you come back please, lots of people here have shared some pretty personal details for you.

notlettingthefearshow · 04/10/2011 17:01

It's a difficult situation for him too and I'm sure he is aware it's not ideal. But what choice does he have? Either you all have to sit at the top table or he'll have to choose between his mother and his father, with the other sitting elsewhere. Don't put him in that situation.

Please try to swallow your feelings for the day and don't cause him any more stress. Good luck.

sun1234 · 04/10/2011 17:02

it wouldn't kill your son to put his step mother on another table, would it? Might be tactful, even. Its not as if she brought him up, is it?

Is there something else going on here e.g. the brides parents also have new partners who did help bring her up?

AbbyAbsinthe · 04/10/2011 17:05

No, sun1234, I disagree. He can have who he likes on his top table/at his wedding. The OP has to grin and bear it, I'm afraid.

AbbyAbsinthe · 04/10/2011 17:06

Obviously that's if she ever comes back Hmm

MardyBra · 04/10/2011 17:08

I have been at weddings where there is no top table - just a table hosted by the bride/groom, one hosted by one parent, one by another, etc. Might be worth mentioning to your son. Otherwise, I do agree with the rest, it's his day.

sun1234 · 04/10/2011 17:13

I think he can have who he likes, but should he have everything he wants irrespective of other people's feelings?

Surely his mother is more important to him than the woman his father recently married? The OP isn't suggesting that her son sits his father away from the top table, or is she?

zipzap · 04/10/2011 17:15

My mil didn't go to my bil's wedding to his 2nd wife because her ex was invited and taking his partner (deliberately vague - I have no idea if fil has married his partner or not, we realised she was using Mrs FIL but no idea if they actually tied the knot!). Mil tried the 'if you want me then fil can't be there' line and bil basically stuck to 'I am inviting both my parents. I'll sit you apart but I'm not choosing one or the other of you'.

So mil missed the wedding, was very upset and blamed bil for not inviting her... Didn't speak to bil for ages - and he didn't speak to her for ages because he was so upset that she missed his wedding.

A year later it was our wedding. We said the same thing up front to mil and having learnt her lesson she came. Probably helped it was a bigger wedding so more people to hide fil and we briefed lots of their side of the family to keep them apart and entertain her. She was glad that she'd gone and didn't really see much of fil and certainly didn't speak to him. Also my dad's dead Sad so my uncle acted as father of the bride for walking down the aisle, speech etc. So I was able to kind of sit mil next to my mum's lovely partner and dh's best man (who she has known since a small boy) so she was still on top table but with friendly faces).

Only way I managed to upset my mum was inviting my sis to be my witness signing the register - according to mum it is traditional for the mum to be the witness but other than my sis's wedding I'd only ever seen friends be witnesses so it had never occurred to me. But I'd chosen sis because dh had chosen his best man so he didn't have to ask his mum because if he asked his mum his dad would then come up and he didn't want to put her through that. So by making one happy we upset another... Can't win!

Definitely think it is reasonable to ask to be sat away from her, and to work out a phrase that is icily polite but that you can practise in advance in case you need to say anything to her or someone asks you about her. But as to what - that's a whole other thread! :)

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/10/2011 17:25

The b&g could sit alone at the top table with all the children this is a lovely idea and a lot of fun. A lot of fun for whom, I ask myself OiMissus.

The newly weds will find themselves acting as childrens' entertainers rather than being free to gaze meaningfully into each other's eyes while they savour every morsel of their chosen repast, and distant relatives that haven't been seen since the year dot will assume the happy couple put the cart before the horse and will be trying to work out which of the rugrats is their progeny.

Not exactly how I'd choose to spend time on my big day, but each to their own.

JustinBoobie · 04/10/2011 17:34

ruddy hell gigglepigg, harsh!

Rise above OP, it will hurt - for the day.

What Anniegetyourgun said.

CroissantNeuf · 04/10/2011 17:39

Much as you don't want to you need to go and grin and bare (bear?) it.

Buy a fab outfit, look glamorous and enjoy your sons special day.

Swipe left for the next trending thread