Pregnant-and totally heartbroken by DP. Please help:(

[treehuggermum]

Ok i will try and keep this brief. My dp of 4 years told me he was 'in love' with his ex before we got together. I had wanted to be with him for years before we met so even though i was a bit gutted about this at the time, i was more thrilled that he liked me! And i thought those feelings for her would go soon enough. 4 years later, we've had a great relationship, we have a 1y.o. DD and another one on the way. His ex is a friend of his who we see sometimes. He is never inappropriate with her and has been loyal to me. Last weekend he went to a party with her(i had such bad pregnancy sickness i couldnt go out). The next day i asked him if he still claimed to be 'in love' with her, totally expecting him to say 'of course not'. Instead he said yes, and that he has always been, and always will be. I have been an emotional wreck since then, not stopped crying, and have come to stay with my family and i've told him i cant be with him any more. He is very upset. He believes that he is innocent. He says he only wants to be friends with her, he wants to be with me, he cant help fancying her but if he gets any inappropriate thoughts he puts them out of his mind straight away and thinks of me. He is just in love with her and has a special connection. I believe him. I just cannot handle him using the words 'in love with', with another girl! To be in love means to be infatuated with, passionate about, doesnt it? Am i being unreasonable or just hormonal here? I dont want to break up, we're great together, we're in love! I've begged him to tell me it's not really true, but he's not changing his words and says it wont interfere with our relationship. I dont know if i can live with it. Please help me anyone. I'm in pieces. Sorry for the long message in the end.

Forget the question of whether he should have lied or not of course he should for a second. If he still has feelings for an ex he cannot have her in his life! The 'one that got away' cannot be your friend. I'm sure we all have one - I know that if my OTGA was in my life regularly I could certainly develop feelings again and so he isn't. It's incredibly selfish and immature of him to expect to maintain any kind of relationship with an ex who he never got over.

Feelings can and do fade. If he stops seeing her then they will. What will not fade is the twattishness of a man who 1) thinks he can keep another woman in his life when he's partnered up with two children and 2) thinks it's ok to tell his partner he's still in love with other woman.

Thanks, Hully

"Maybe he does love you, in a different way, you have his children... but is his ex the love of his life maybe, you know like once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing? How do you feel about that?"

Doesn't matter if he does feel like that. Most of us have a special ex who we will always have a weak spot for. Most of us wouldn't translate it to our partner as still being "in love" with said ex.

Honesty can be over-rated in a relationship. Sometimes it is necessary to be frugal with the truth of a matter. This would be one of those times.

OP, AnyFucker is just saying what the rest of us are thinking, only in a much blunter way. Read your thread title. You say you are heartbroken and pregnant, on a board frequented mostly by mums. This is going to be an emotive thing to post a thread about. Then there's the daft excuses. I'm not sure if you want people to reassure you that he doesn't really mean it or if you want actual advice. You're getting actual advice, though. If you want somewhere to gently sob and have your back virtually rubbed, just say so. :)

He shows you that he is 'very much in love' by upsetting you whilst pregnant by telling you that he is in love with another woman?

He's a twat, OP. You putting on the rose-tinted specs too and joining him in his tragic hero fantasy doesn't change that. His version of 'very much in love' ain't much cop, from what I can see. It isn't exactly making you feel supported and secure throughout your pregnancy, is it?

"Yes we are very much in love, and he shows me all the time."

doesn't quite answer my question, if it was a reply to me. Almost, but not quite. What does he say his feelings for you are? Does he tell you he loves you? Or does he withhold that?

What were you thinking of I wonder Bupcakes? "Shitcock"? Or perhaps "Shittock"?

I think you should provide us with a definition of "Shitclock" though please...I like it too.

Oh god I know a bloke like this, spent his early years being chased after by all and sundry and in fairness he was good looking, great fun and generally a good catch... until he realized he was and then he aged into an entitled idiot (or perhaps a shitclock!) He was still a nice guy as long as you weren't in love with him because he was only really in love with the younger version of himself. The one everyone held up in such high esteem and mirrored back to him
Phew and breathe... Sorry I remember my pal turning herself inside out for this guy and it drove me insane!
Look whether or not he was "just being honest" or being a twat you need to address it. You may not like where it ends up - at worse you are second best in his eyes (sorry but you must realize it could go there) . But for your own sanity and your kids you need real honesty in this relationship so you can decide if you're willing to put up with it. (And btw if the ex is habitually unfaithful what makes you think she wouldn't have a fling with him- or is this really why you don't want it out in public?)

Sorry if that'd harsh but I can't help but think deep down you know this anyway

OP, I don't think it's acceptable for him to go with her to do's on their own.Not fair on you in the circumstances.I would hate that.Can't he take on board how you feel and stop being so involved with her?

Hi
Just want to say I am a very honest person. I know that sounds a bit big headed maybe, but true. I just hate lying. But sometimes I will if telling the truth will hurt someones feelings.
My DP has put on a lot of weight over the years which he is insecure about, he often says things like: "you dont find me attractive anymore" etc. Now if I was being honest, I did find him more attractive when he was 3 stone lighter, but to spare his feelings I lie.

You've got to make the descision, can you continue to be with someone who will always love his ex, if so, fine. If not (which I don't think you can as you said you feel heartbroken) then as hard as it is, maybe you need to stop getting treated like a doormat and find someone who does love you.

I don't think you can really be 'in love' with more than one person....nope you just can't. Sure you can have feelings for / love lots of people, but 'in love' is something different. He sounds like a 15 yr old tbh cos that's just the kind of bollox that someone very young and immature comes out with.

Would he mind if you decided you were in love with and fancied one of the neighbours? But its ok cos you would't do anything about it

In defence of AF, she's looking at it from the outside with no rosy coloured specs. And from the outside he is coming across as a bit of a moron..

I like 'shitclock' too Bupcakes!

I would assume he is in love wiht the rose tinted picture of what might have been if she had not been unfaithful. However, that's not what she is. She has proven to be unfaithful - so its not fair on you or her partner for your Dp and her to go out together. Less contact will hopefully mean that he can focus on what's important.

However, if he's willing to say that sort of thing I think that he needs to go and talk things through with a Counsellor because its not fair on you having that rosy picture up to compare you to.

Yes, he should have lied. Or avoided answering. A response along the lines of 'why are we bothering to talk about you - I love you and that's what is important' or similar should have changed the discussion without him having to lie.

AF is a bit to the point at times, but is often worth listening to

treehugger, you know you need help and advice. you also know that the situation you are in is not right. Your relationship is totally unbalanced.

The way I see it, there are a couple of potential scenarios:
1 - that he doesn't love you
2 - that he loves you (but loves her more)
3 - that it suits him to make you think that so you are permanently grateful for him gracing your life with his presence.
4 - he is playing everyone around him like a violin.

If he is a good looking bloke then adulation and worship are very powerful drugs. It may be that he can't bear the idea of being rejected, so has to either get in their first or make his suitors compete for him.

No amount of effort on YOUR part is going to be enough to create enough of YOUR love to cover for any lack of his.

My fear is that you have potentially been placed in a situation whereby you are RIPE for being emotionally and potentially physically abused.

You may have asked for help, and tbh, at face value, it appears you are in dire need of it. Sadly however you are not ready for it.

Keep posting, keep lurking, keep talking to us and one day you may be ready to entertain the fact that this guy is not treating you as well as you deserve.

What herhissy said exactly.

Seriously can you imagine saying the same to him about an ex that cheated on you. My first thought was what a sad twat..

Shitclock - a highly sophisticated amalgamation of 'shit' 'clunge' and 'cock'. Only to be used in very grave circumstances.

As you were.

p.s HerHissyness is very right.

PS - MNHQ, can we PLEASE have a [girn] emoticon, so that IF i don't correct my constant error I can get some kind of MN gargoyle come up instead?

A recent poster wrote about someone who was 'really in love with the younger version of himself', and maybe that is a version of what your dp feels. he has captured a romantic vision of himself and his xp, and he has not let go of that image, despite reality. And the reality is that she cheated on him, HE dumped HER, he loves you and is committed to you.

For some reason, your dp is holding onto that memory, long after it has stopped being useful to him (and it's certainly not useful to you). We could call him all sorts of things, but there is some reason why he holds that belief. Maybe he was brought up to believe that you only have sex with someone you are truly in love with, maybe he was brought up to believe that love never dies? Maybe he likes the feeling it gives him of knowing that he walked away from the relationship.

Whatever that reason is, the problem is that you sound quite forensic in your questioning of him, which is not easing the situation. If (for example) he grew up with the belief that love never dies, then he will hold on to that belief (without it necessarily affecting your life or relationship), so he will not know how to answer your question differently. He may also believe that having being honest with you from the start, that you were entirely accepting of what he said (both that he loved her, AND that for him, it did not affect his relationship with you). The difficult for him now is that if he said he didn't love her, then I suspect that you would continue to ask him questions about it - like when exactly did that feeling change, or will he ever love her again. That situation would do you no good and might even be detrimental to your relationship.

I agree that counselling might be useful, for you both. For him, so that he can explore the perspective of love and honesty, and for you so that you can accept and enjoy his love for you, without being anxious that he may fall back in love with his ex.

" My dp of 4 years told me he was 'in love' with his ex before we got together."

Doesn´t that say it all?

Why didn´t you listen?

treehuggermum, you and your partner sound very young.

This "honesty" thing is something I remember from our teens/early twenties.

But correct me if I am wrong!

It's bull anyway, he was being a dick
1.) for being in love with her and not you
2.) for TELLING you this
3.) for thinking him being "honest" is more important than your feelings

you need to have a chat!

Thanks venusandmars, wise words. I will suggest councilling to him.

By asking us if you're hormonal, did you really want us to say, "Yes, you are. Of course he loves you. This is completely normal." We can't. He has said he doesn't love you. At the very least, he's using this to keep from fully committing to your family. He's selfish, immature and, quite frankly, far from the catch that you think he is.

Despite the fact that all this "love" vs "in love" stuff is just meaningless bollocks, your partner still sounds douchey, OP.

He has said he doesn't love you.

Has he, NunTheWiser?

He probably has, in his horrible shitclocky way

Er, not he has never said he doesnt love me. Like i said in my earlier post. Things are being said that just arent true, that's why i'm correcting, not being defensive.

It's possible that you are in fact doing yourself no favours by going on and on and on at him about whether or not he still 'loves' this woman. I think you have at least partly, from the very beginning of the relationship, convinced yourself that you are unworthy of this bellend and should therefore be grateful that he has actually condescended to let you love him.
I think this gives him a big thrill, and his 'honesty', even though I rather expect that he has no intention whatsoever of leaving you for her, is his way of keeping you just unsettled and insecure enough to indulge his every whim.

You could try dropping the subject of this woman altogether for, say, a fortnight, and during that fortnight, treat your H as normal but monitor his behaviour. Is he kind, supportive, good company, concerned if your pregnancy is making you tired or unwell? How long before he mentions this woman?
If he says nothing about her and all his attention and care is dedicated to you then maybe you are being a little unreasonable and hormonal. However, if he is constantly dropping her name into the conversation and picking at you to try to get you to react to the mention of her, then yes, the nasty little bastard is playing a game with you.

Solidgoldbrass, he NEVER mentions her, is always completely loving and caring for me. U have a point about me bringing it up all the time.