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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant-and totally heartbroken by DP. Please help:(

89 replies

treehuggermum · 04/10/2011 00:42

Ok i will try and keep this brief. My dp of 4 years told me he was 'in love' with his ex before we got together. I had wanted to be with him for years before we met so even though i was a bit gutted about this at the time, i was more thrilled that he liked me! And i thought those feelings for her would go soon enough. 4 years later, we've had a great relationship, we have a 1y.o. DD and another one on the way. His ex is a friend of his who we see sometimes. He is never inappropriate with her and has been loyal to me. Last weekend he went to a party with her(i had such bad pregnancy sickness i couldnt go out). The next day i asked him if he still claimed to be 'in love' with her, totally expecting him to say 'of course not'. Instead he said yes, and that he has always been, and always will be. I have been an emotional wreck since then, not stopped crying, and have come to stay with my family and i've told him i cant be with him any more. He is very upset. He believes that he is innocent. He says he only wants to be friends with her, he wants to be with me, he cant help fancying her but if he gets any inappropriate thoughts he puts them out of his mind straight away and thinks of me. He is just in love with her and has a special connection. I believe him. I just cannot handle him using the words 'in love with', with another girl! To be in love means to be infatuated with, passionate about, doesnt it? Am i being unreasonable or just hormonal here? I dont want to break up, we're great together, we're in love! I've begged him to tell me it's not really true, but he's not changing his words and says it wont interfere with our relationship. I dont know if i can live with it. Please help me anyone. I'm in pieces. Sorry for the long message in the end.

OP posts:
Original poster
treehuggermum · 04/10/2011 11:27

I'm sorry but i dont think the recent comments are very nice. I appreciate you're trying to help but you only have an inklin of what's going on, that's all.

OP posts:
LapsedPacifist · 04/10/2011 11:28

He is obviously incredibly enotionally immature. He sounds as if he has as much savoir-faire as a 15 year old. And I have a 15 year old who would never be this insensitive.

No point in over-reacting though. He really doesn't know WTF he is talking about, does he? Silly little boy. What he really means is:

"I still feel sentimental about the relationship I fantasized years ago about having with this woman which bore no relationship to reality"

NOT

"I'm still in love with my ex and always will be".

Hullygully · 04/10/2011 11:29

Sorry treehugger, I really don't mean to be not very nice, but can only go on what you've said.

AnyFucker · 04/10/2011 11:31

I don't find Op's who come on, ask for support then defend the person they are complaining about in such ridiculous terms to be very nice either

In fact, I find it fucking irritating, and it pisses me off that I wasted 5 mins of my time on someone who is quite obviously living in some sort of parallel universe

Are you upset about this...or are you not ?

is this some sort of stupid game you play with your partner, because I don't have the patience for it, tbh

PenguinsAreThePoint · 04/10/2011 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 04/10/2011 11:41

yes

crestofthewave · 04/10/2011 11:43

OP, so is he a good man,for the large part,then.My ex said stuff from our early days(a case of 'when someone tells you who you are-you should listen'-but I didn;'t)and I think he thought it gave him a licence to treat me badly,and then say-'well,I didn't lie to you,did I'.

It obviously is important to you/you're very upset.He told you this before you got together,and,4years on,soon to be 2dc,he still feels the same?Can you live with this?I think it needs resolving otherwise it will eat away at you.

suzikettles · 04/10/2011 11:45

He has an overly romantic and idealised idea of what love is. He doesn't love her, but you keep wanting to pick and pick at a scab - why?

EmilyMurphyLegallyAPerson · 04/10/2011 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bemybebe · 04/10/2011 11:48

OP, I am sorry, you won't like it, but i agree with others - your dp is completely insensitive egoistic immature tosser for saying what he did and when he did... end of. I cannot imagine the hurt you must feel, equally I cannot understand why you shield him from the honest truth.

Actually, I do understand. You were hoping that somehow it all would go away and you would go back to playing happy families.

It won't until he and you have a proper discussion about the consequences of his admission. I would seriously seek professional counselling to help you both qualify your feelings. Maybe afterwards you still decide to stay together and have an honest marriage because he finally realizes that he loves you, but you should be prepared to walk away from this man that evidently does not respect your feelings at such a vulnerable time of your life.

PeppermintPasty · 04/10/2011 11:48

The trouble is OP, that roughly from your post at 10:51:17 you have defended every (valid) criticism of him. I get that, kind of, but you must also see it from other posters' viewpoints-he is a total and utter self absorbed arse to say this sort of stuff to you. Tell him to shut up about it, and/or stop asking him!!

All this "he cannot lie" stuff is a bit weird-he is being insensitive and selfish, he ain't noble!! And if he had his wits about him of course he'd lie, or play it all down.

suzikettles · 04/10/2011 11:50

Oh, people who say they "cannot lie" are always lying btw.

What they mean is "I care more about how I feel when I lie (guilty) than I do about hurting you" - or, "I don't care enough about you to bother making something up".

crestofthewave · 04/10/2011 11:53

And,you were gutted when you first knew him and he said this,but,you'd wanted for so many years to be with him and you were so thrilled that he actually liked YOU.I hope he too was as thrilled.

BupcakesandCunting · 04/10/2011 11:57

Stop making excuses up for him. He is a total shitclock.

Does he know what tact is? If not, you should print the OED definition of it and photocopy it and pin it up all around your house. Then write it on his forehead with a red Sharpie.

You do not say this to your partner. You definitely do not say this to your pregnant partner. He sounds like a stunted little fuckwit.

BupcakesandCunting · 04/10/2011 12:00

I don't know what a shitclock is. I don't even know what I was trying to type.

He probably is one, though.

TOWISalford · 04/10/2011 12:00

Maybe he does love you, in a different way, you have his children... but is his ex the love of his life maybe, you know like once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing? How do you feel about that?

ShoutyHamster · 04/10/2011 12:01

'he does care a lot about my feelings, he just cant help his and is honest.'

No he isn't honest, he's a thick yet manipulative twat.

Remember that neither of those qualities is particularly attractive, next time you start swooning over him (I assume you do this in RL as much as you do on screen - if so no wonder he thinks he can get away with jerking your strings like this)

He has no idea what 'in love' means. He clearly hasn't revised his understanding of the concept since he was 14.

Tell him to grow the fuck up, and in the meantime yes stick to the plan of Not Being With Him.

Honestly, you'll be happier in the end. Find someone with a working adult set of brain cells, and leave him to his navel gazing shite spouting. Oh and with the next one, don't be so 'thrilled' when they like you - remember, you're the best, the main, the only option - not a pathetically grateful stand-in :)

buzzskeleton · 04/10/2011 12:03

What does he say his feelings are for you? Does he claim to be in love with you (as well)?

Original poster
treehuggermum · 04/10/2011 12:05

anyfucker you obviously have problems to go off like that, swearing etc. You have been reported. Please dont post on here again. Thanks to all the other posts. I am listening to what you are saying. Maybe i am defending my dp, but most of that time i'm saying what i'm saying because some of the things being suggested simply aren't true! But i agree with lots of things said too. It's nice to be understood and not told i'm just being 'hormonal' again.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 04/10/2011 12:05

I like shitclock.

Hullygully · 04/10/2011 12:06

Yes, don't swear AF. You're very rude and naughty.

LydiaWickham · 04/10/2011 12:08

Of course he could lie, or choose to spare your feelings, it's just his need to feel like a character in a Mills and Boons book is more important than making the mother of his children feel loved and secure.

If you are going to make this relationship work, a basic new rule is he cuts all contact with this woman. If she is part of the group he is in, then if you can't go to an event where she will be, he doesn't go. He avoids talking to her beyond the bare minimum and ends all conversations as quickly as possible. This is because (and make this clear to him) you now know the only reason he is being faithful to you is that she's not making herself availble to him.

It also seems to me, the balance in your relationship is off, you seem to think that you are lucky to have him, rather than he is lucky to have you. Look at him from an outsiders point of view, do you think someone who met him for the first time (rather than knew him as the most popular/gorgeous one in the group from being very young) would look at him and think he was a great catch?

Original poster
treehuggermum · 04/10/2011 12:09

Yes we are very much in love, and he shows me all the time.

OP posts:
BigBadMummy · 04/10/2011 12:09

Why did you have a baby with somebody you knew was in love with someone else and why did you get pregnant again?

Does he tell you he loves you?

LydiaWickham · 04/10/2011 12:11

BTW - how old were you when you first met him? Were you a teenager? I've rather assumed you were.

Being in love with another woman isn't acceptable, your DP needs to know there are consquences for this, either losing you or losing his friendship with this woman.

He'll fight to keep you, or he won't. He either thinks he's lucky to have his family, or he thinks your all lucky to have him.

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