MIL is completely gaga; she declined very fast - over a few months - a few years ago. They live in Surrey (we're in Devon), and as we've had a really awful time with many bereavements over a very short space of time, we have been really busy dealing with the emotional fall-out and the practicalities of winding up estates etc. The upshot is that we've left things pretty much to SIL (dh's sister).
SIL has been the carer for her disabled partner, who a month or so ago fell into a diabetic coma, was hospitalised and not expected to live. He has recovered enough to leave hospital but his medical needs are so great that he has had to go into a nursing home. SIL is devastated. She visits him every day.
Meanwhile, SIL is still trying to help out with MIL. Leading up to her partner's collapse, she had realised that MIL's house was not as well kept as it used to be and that MIL wasn't as spruce as she had been, but whenever she had asked sFIL about what was happening about MIL's medical treatment, what help he needed, what MIL was able to manage, etc he fobbed her off saying things like "It's all in hand" "I am doing everything that needs to be done" and would close the conversation (he was exactly the same with dh and me when we asked). When SIL asked why MIL was wearing old clothes with holes in he told her that MIL refused to wear anything else. The fact was, ALL her clothes were dirty and ragged.
SIL then investigated further - up until then, sFIL had not allowed discouraged her from going further than the 'public' rooms which weren't well tended but weren't awful. SIL found that the bedclothes were crusty and black. She threw them all away. All MIL's clothes were fillthy with holes in, old and ragged. She threw them away. She took MIL shopping for new clothes. She told sFIL he had to buy new bedding and get a washing machine which he could work himself.
SIL had just contacted social services to see what could be done about her mother's personal care and to help keep the house clean, and to provide meals as they clearly weren't eating properly (if MIL's beyond cooking - and she is - sFIL certainly isn't prepared to stoop to do so himself).
SIL had to leave organising things for MIL when her partner collapsed and went into hospital and asked sFIL's daughter to do it. sFIL's daughter didn't.
SIL had bought clothes for her mother, she had bought new bedding as sFIL couldn't be bothered and she was seriously out of pocket - she had been managing on her partner's DLA and her carers' allowance. She was badly in debt and asked sFIL if he could reimburse her. He said he would; he said he would ensure that when he drove MIL round to see her next, there would be money in MIL's account which SIL could access via MIL's cash card. There was no money in MIL's account. This carried on for weeks, until SIL rang dh and we gave her money.
Yesterday, SIL rang again. She has told us that MIL has stopped washing, her hair is filthy, her clothes are dirty again, and she smells. Social Services went to MIL's but sFIL assured them that everything was under control and wouldn't even let them in.
SIL has managed to get a cleaner for 3 hours a week, via the Alzheimer's charity, who have also sent them a gardener. This is the only help that sFIL will allow. The company who provide the cleaner told him that the house really needed to be blitzed and then for someone to come along for a few hours a week. He would not allow it.
There is never any money in MIL's bank account, but sFIL keeps telling SIL to reimburse herself for the things she buys for them - food, cleaning stuff and so on - but she never can. The result is that she is now desperate again, as her partner has had to go into a nursing home (senility, diabetes and extensive paralysis) so her carers' allowance has been stopped and of course the DLA goes to him.
DH has done a lot of phoning round today. He has spoken to the Alzheimer's charity who are on the case, and told dh about sFIL's refusal to allow a proper clean. They also told him that the first cleaner they sent was a man, and sFIL spent much of the time telling him he shouldn't be doing women's work. The poor chap refused to go back because he couldn't bear the way sFIL treated and spoke to MIL. The woman at the charity said she would be prepared to stand up in court and give a full account should it come to that.
DH has also spoken to Social Services, who have said they will try again, but next week, so that dh has time to tell sFIL to just bloody well let them in.
He has spoken to MIL's doctor who suggested that he come in with MIL, and then he can talk to dh. He has not seen MIL for over 6 months. He said that he had wanted to refer her to something (to do with her memory loss) and a few other things to help MIL, but sFIL had refused them on her behalf, and that MIL herself had refused some form of help he's offered - dh pointed out that was probably because sFIL had told her to. The doc had no idea things had become as bad as they are.
DH is going down tomorrow and will stay a couple of nights. He will talk to sFIL forcefully (
) about what needs to be done and that he must cooperate.
DH feels that sFIL has neglected MIL, failed in his duty of care to her. sFIL's kids aren't really interested in getting more involved than they are (OK to have the old folks over for lunch, but that's about it).
The cleaner and gardener are apparently being paid for out of MIL's pension. Of course, she's no idea what's happening from one minute to the next, so it makes no difference to her, but she's aware sometimes that SIL is out of pocket and when they find the cash card won't produce any money, gives her 20p or 17p with a great flourish. Poor old stick, she really hasn't a clue, but she adores her two children, and everyone knows that she would never in a million years see SIL in the dire financial straits she is in right now. She was also always horribly house proud, and again, would be devastated if she knew what a state it was now in.
sFIL won't even put a wash on. This is why her clothes are always dirty. The cleaner has started doing some washing but she's only there once a week. MIL needs someone every day, or at least every other day, to help her have a bath for a start, wash her hair, brush her teeth and put on clean clothes. She can't produce a meal, and sFIL won't. She lives on bread and cheese and the odd biscuit. sFIL will go out to dinner.
I'm sorry it's so long, don't want to drip feed.
What else can we do? DH and DD were down there last half term, and things weren't that bad, apparently, but they were only there for an afternoon, stayed at SIL's.
There's no lack of money by the way. MIL only has her pension, but sFIL is loaded, seriously loaded. Bought a yacht earlier this year. Anyway, he's not refusing help because they can't afford it. They've been married for over 25 years; how could he treat her like that? It's so horrible.