(long) Appalling news re MIL and sFIL, please advise

[Jux]

MIL is completely gaga; she declined very fast - over a few months - a few years ago. They live in Surrey (we're in Devon), and as we've had a really awful time with many bereavements over a very short space of time, we have been really busy dealing with the emotional fall-out and the practicalities of winding up estates etc. The upshot is that we've left things pretty much to SIL (dh's sister).

SIL has been the carer for her disabled partner, who a month or so ago fell into a diabetic coma, was hospitalised and not expected to live. He has recovered enough to leave hospital but his medical needs are so great that he has had to go into a nursing home. SIL is devastated. She visits him every day.

Meanwhile, SIL is still trying to help out with MIL. Leading up to her partner's collapse, she had realised that MIL's house was not as well kept as it used to be and that MIL wasn't as spruce as she had been, but whenever she had asked sFIL about what was happening about MIL's medical treatment, what help he needed, what MIL was able to manage, etc he fobbed her off saying things like "It's all in hand" "I am doing everything that needs to be done" and would close the conversation (he was exactly the same with dh and me when we asked). When SIL asked why MIL was wearing old clothes with holes in he told her that MIL refused to wear anything else. The fact was, ALL her clothes were dirty and ragged.

SIL then investigated further - up until then, sFIL had not allowed discouraged her from going further than the 'public' rooms which weren't well tended but weren't awful. SIL found that the bedclothes were crusty and black. She threw them all away. All MIL's clothes were fillthy with holes in, old and ragged. She threw them away. She took MIL shopping for new clothes. She told sFIL he had to buy new bedding and get a washing machine which he could work himself.

SIL had just contacted social services to see what could be done about her mother's personal care and to help keep the house clean, and to provide meals as they clearly weren't eating properly (if MIL's beyond cooking - and she is - sFIL certainly isn't prepared to stoop to do so himself).

SIL had to leave organising things for MIL when her partner collapsed and went into hospital and asked sFIL's daughter to do it. sFIL's daughter didn't.

SIL had bought clothes for her mother, she had bought new bedding as sFIL couldn't be bothered and she was seriously out of pocket - she had been managing on her partner's DLA and her carers' allowance. She was badly in debt and asked sFIL if he could reimburse her. He said he would; he said he would ensure that when he drove MIL round to see her next, there would be money in MIL's account which SIL could access via MIL's cash card. There was no money in MIL's account. This carried on for weeks, until SIL rang dh and we gave her money.

Yesterday, SIL rang again. She has told us that MIL has stopped washing, her hair is filthy, her clothes are dirty again, and she smells. Social Services went to MIL's but sFIL assured them that everything was under control and wouldn't even let them in.

SIL has managed to get a cleaner for 3 hours a week, via the Alzheimer's charity, who have also sent them a gardener. This is the only help that sFIL will allow. The company who provide the cleaner told him that the house really needed to be blitzed and then for someone to come along for a few hours a week. He would not allow it.

There is never any money in MIL's bank account, but sFIL keeps telling SIL to reimburse herself for the things she buys for them - food, cleaning stuff and so on - but she never can. The result is that she is now desperate again, as her partner has had to go into a nursing home (senility, diabetes and extensive paralysis) so her carers' allowance has been stopped and of course the DLA goes to him.

DH has done a lot of phoning round today. He has spoken to the Alzheimer's charity who are on the case, and told dh about sFIL's refusal to allow a proper clean. They also told him that the first cleaner they sent was a man, and sFIL spent much of the time telling him he shouldn't be doing women's work. The poor chap refused to go back because he couldn't bear the way sFIL treated and spoke to MIL. The woman at the charity said she would be prepared to stand up in court and give a full account should it come to that.

DH has also spoken to Social Services, who have said they will try again, but next week, so that dh has time to tell sFIL to just bloody well let them in.

He has spoken to MIL's doctor who suggested that he come in with MIL, and then he can talk to dh. He has not seen MIL for over 6 months. He said that he had wanted to refer her to something (to do with her memory loss) and a few other things to help MIL, but sFIL had refused them on her behalf, and that MIL herself had refused some form of help he's offered - dh pointed out that was probably because sFIL had told her to. The doc had no idea things had become as bad as they are.

DH is going down tomorrow and will stay a couple of nights. He will talk to sFIL forcefully () about what needs to be done and that he must cooperate.

DH feels that sFIL has neglected MIL, failed in his duty of care to her. sFIL's kids aren't really interested in getting more involved than they are (OK to have the old folks over for lunch, but that's about it).

The cleaner and gardener are apparently being paid for out of MIL's pension. Of course, she's no idea what's happening from one minute to the next, so it makes no difference to her, but she's aware sometimes that SIL is out of pocket and when they find the cash card won't produce any money, gives her 20p or 17p with a great flourish. Poor old stick, she really hasn't a clue, but she adores her two children, and everyone knows that she would never in a million years see SIL in the dire financial straits she is in right now. She was also always horribly house proud, and again, would be devastated if she knew what a state it was now in.

sFIL won't even put a wash on. This is why her clothes are always dirty. The cleaner has started doing some washing but she's only there once a week. MIL needs someone every day, or at least every other day, to help her have a bath for a start, wash her hair, brush her teeth and put on clean clothes. She can't produce a meal, and sFIL won't. She lives on bread and cheese and the odd biscuit. sFIL will go out to dinner.

I'm sorry it's so long, don't want to drip feed.

What else can we do? DH and DD were down there last half term, and things weren't that bad, apparently, but they were only there for an afternoon, stayed at SIL's.

There's no lack of money by the way. MIL only has her pension, but sFIL is loaded, seriously loaded. Bought a yacht earlier this year. Anyway, he's not refusing help because they can't afford it. They've been married for over 25 years; how could he treat her like that? It's so horrible.

DH has now spoken to a solicitor who has advised that dh get the ball rolling on applying for Stewardship of MIL. He will probably do it on behalf of SIL as SIL is much closer and is much more au fait with things on a day to day basis. He has told dh that he can indeed go in and tell sFIL what is going to happen (sell massive house and go into managed care locally) as otherwise SS will simply go in and do it anyway.

He has advised against court action on neglect/cruelty/abuse at the moment, but has said this may become necessary if sFIL is uncooperative, but to try to avoid it.

DH is much encouraged that his action plan has received approval from a legal eagle, and that you are all in agreement too, so thank you for that. He does need to feel that he is on a firm footing as sFIL is a bully and obstructive and quite hard to deal with, not forgetting his attitude to all of us.

sFIL will be furious; not only has he lost control, but he has been seen to have lost control and to cap it all it is his despised step-son who is sorting it out. I almost feel gleeful that the old bastard is about to get his come-uppance, and would if it had not involved my own family.

DH is therefore holding off calling Elder Abuse, but will call Age Concern for further advice. He wants to know how much the pension is as MIL should have at least that much money but doesn't appear to. There may be a good reason for this, but he won't know until tomorrow.

I am off to look at all the links you have posted. Thank you.

Jux - so glad that things are happening and that your DH is moving things forward. Was the "Stewardship" thing the solicitor discussed related in any way to a Power of Attorney? Just wondering because I know that this is something we subsequently put in place with my mother. She did not however have dementia and was able to consent to my sister having Power of Attorney. I know for a fact that the process is much more protracted when this consent cannot be given by the person because of dementia. Not wanting to put a dampener on this in anyway - just mindful of a need for immediate action and aware that legal processes can be very slow!

Just FYI, I was impressed at how quickly Social Services acted on behalf of my mother and cannot fault them for their handling of the situation. They managed to deal professionally and tactfully with my father (who was charm itself when they visited) whilst making a careful assessment of the situation and seeing through any smokescreens that my father attempted to put up.

Like I mentioned before, the issue of whether your sFIL is neglecting your sMIL in an intentional "abusive" sense is by-the-by in some ways. Your DH's reluctance to call Elder Abuse is understandable - it's a horrible accusation to have to make. All I am saying is that your DH doesn't have to make that accusation in the first instance for things to happen. The simple fact that your sMIL is in need of a level of care that your sFIL is evidently not capable of providing is sufficient enough justification for contacting Social Services. They CAN act quickly.

Oh excellent - I am so glad that your DH has seen a legal person and got some stuff sorted so he knows exactly where he stands.
Do let us know how it goes, please - I really hope your DH can get his mother away from the his stepfather.

sFIL told us a year ago that he was going for Power of Attorney, which caused us a lot of worry as we didn't trust him much. He didn't get it as she was unable to consent to it. He could have gone for Stewardship then, but didn't want to go through the Courts (which you have to), and anyway he has access to all her financial stuff anyway so hardly needed to.

DH thinks, and the solicitor (and quite a few other people) think that sFIL probably isn't competent, which is why DH is going for Stewardship - so yes, it's the alternative to PoA when the person concerned is unable to give informed consent.

Thumbwitch, we won't get her away from sFIL, it will cause her immense distress. We will however, take steps to ensure that she is kept properly, with dignity and care, and if t hey're in a resid. nursing home then he won't be able to bully her much.

Fair enough Jux. Is your DH going to be able to get her to see the doc while he is there so a medical assessment can be made? If she is malnourished (as well as the potential for chronic UTI) this may also be affecting her mental capacity so again she may improve a little if her care level improves (she may not either).

The doc suggested that dh bring her in, but it may be difficult to get an appt at such short notice, and dh has to be back for Friday when dd has an appt with our doc about something we're quite concerned about.

DH has also discovered - by asking questions in a very convoluted way - that GP raised concerns with SS himself, but that sFIL refused their help.

SS want to go in right now, and have raised a file on MIL, but will wait until dh has seen sFIL etc tomorrow. DH is expecting to phone them at about 4.30 tomorrow. They are raring to go and have said they will steam in on Thursday, even if dh doesn't call them tomorrow.

It may be that MIL will have to go alone into care. sFIL will fall apart as he clearly can't look after himself, and expects SIL to do it, which she won't. His own daughter won't as she is terribly busy (again ) but has said she could see this coming 10 years ago; nice of her to mention it to us, eh?

Anyway, I doubt there'll be anything further today. Will wait until tomorrow, but I won't be high on the list of priorities for phone calls. Probably won't hear until sometime in the evening.

I know it's a rarity these days, but could the GP not go and do a home visit under the circs? If he's concerned enough to have alerted SS himself, you'd like to think he could make the time to drop by and check her over.

SOrry to hear you have worries over your own DD's health as well - this must be putting a massive strain on all of you :(

I don't suppose that sFIL falling apart should be any concern of your DH's or his sister's - he has his own DD or his money to help him deal with it.

Just wanted to post support for you and family in this dreadful situation. Thank goodness your DH has got the ball rolling with solicitor, and that SS are ready to steam in.

I totally agree about the GP and a home vist, though - UTIs can really exacerbate dementia (judging by my mother's experience). As can dehydration, which may be affecting your MIL if she's not drinking as well as not eating properly.

So sorry to hear about your DD's health too.

Really hope the situation with MIL can be resolved speedily and relieve that burden of worry.

Thinking of you.

Um. I don't want to be melodramatic, but think I should at least raise this so that you can disagree with it.

Is MIL likely to be at risk of more serious, active harm from sFIL in the short period between DH confronting him and SS pitching up? Or at any point while she is still alone in his company?

His behaviour does appear actively abusive, and there are implications to his financial comfort if MIL goes into care.

I'm probably overegging things, but just want to be sure this possibility has been considered in case it changes how much information DH gives sFIL.

Very best of luck in this appalling situation. Would second the people who have said that there is some hope that much of your MIL's recent cognitive decline may reverse once she's clean, well fed and hydrated and had a full medical check up and treatment for any infections etc - all the more reason for urgent action.

As harsh as it may seem, this daughter of his may have a very good reason for not wanting to bother with her dad. I know that doesn't help your MIL, but by the sounds of it. this sFIL is horrific. there may be even more to it than you realise.

HerHissyness, it's something we've both thought about. DH says she seems cowed by her dad, and I am pretty sure by what I've known of him thatt he can be a right bully. No wonder his first wife kicked him out (was MIL's best friend so she should have known better, reallly). We decided that, though we have some sympathy for the daughter, she is married with 2 kids, runs her own business, regularly takes a few months off to go and crew to the Caribbean or places, has a very nice life now thank you, and is therefore less deserving of our sympathy in these circumstances; when she told dh yesterday that she'd been aware of the situation for years and was waiting for a "crisis" before doing anything about it she lost pretty well all of the sympathy we had for her anyway. As dh said, what does she call a crisis? The one where sFIL slips down the steps in the garden and MIL doesn't find him for a day? The one where she turns the gas on and forgets to light it? The one where the neighbours find them having not seen them for 6 weeks?

I have passed on the suggestion about a doc's home visit. DH says thanks, that's a good idea. He'll try to arrange it. Otherwise, he's expecting to be back down there next week too, and will arrange an appt for her, to which he will accompany her (or maybe SIL will, bit more sensitive if UTIs being discussed )

Oh Tianc, no, surely not. I know he's a bastard, but he's so aware of his 'good name' that he wouldn't risk it surely? He'd know that everyone would be down on him like a ton of bricks. Oh you'd have thought that at the very least they'd have had a panic button installed; it costs practically nothing.

Thank you all again for help, time, knowledge, suggestions and concern. I shall let you know if there's anything more which comes to light.

Have read whole thread and tbh Tianc's suggestion occurred to me too. People do awful things. Alzheimers robs people of their personalities so your sfil is basically living with somebody he doesn't know anymore, whose care is going to cost a lot and he obviously is quite keen on his cash. I don't expect he will actively harm her - but is he going to prevent harm? Doesn't sound like it. Bottom line is not only is your mil being treated with a lack of respect and kindness, she is NOT safe in her home.

You dh and sil sound fantastic. If mil knew how strong and sorted they are she would be so, so proud. Just tell dh to take nothing for granted and not to give an inch if he isn't happy with what's proposed.

She doesn't actually have Alzheimer's, she's just senile. She hasn't undergone some of the personality change that Alzheimer's patients have, in fact is utterly biddable, endlessly cheerful, just very very repetitive. There is none of the bad temper, anger, violence which many Alzheimer's patients develop, and she doesn't tend to wander either.

I know it's frustrating trying to hold a conversation with her, and she does come out with some stuff (which is often really quite funny) and I can quite see that it can drive you crazy. We did talk to sFIL about getting help to look after her so that he could get out and about, visit friends and family while knowing she was OK, but he just told us that everything was under control and all things were organized. He says things like this in a way which tells us that he will brook no argument or further conversation, and of course, we've taken him at his word. We assumed he was not talking to us about it because it was us and he despises us, not because he was lying, obfuscating or something.

DH has left now, armed for battle. It's hard to think about anything else.

As has no doubt been said this is abuse and Social Services should be acting on it as a vunerable adult is clearly being deprived of her basic needs :( how awful :( I hope you get a resolution soon

Sounds like the daughter doesn't care for her father. TBH, her doesn't sound very easy to love does he?

Thinking of you and DH, hope it goes well....

he not her...

I've been watching this thread, unable to contribute anything useful, but really hoping you manage to get all of this awful situation sorted out for your poor MIL. How did it go last night with your DP and his SF?

LaVache, the meeting is this afternoon at 2.30ish. DH will call this evening to say goodnight to dd; I suspect he'll be too busy organising things post-meeting to call before 7.

I have awoken feeling less angry and am wondering whether to advise dh that he is likely to achieve more by taking the kind, understanding "no one can cope with this, you have to have help" yada yada approach, instead of the "you are treating my mother with contempt and this is going to stop" approach, which is how he feels and the stance he is currently planning.

SIL and he will have discussed this though, and she is in a far better position than anyone to advise on this.

Thinking of you all today.

I see your point completely- he can always escalate to the second approach if he gets nowhere with the first one (which, from the sound of your FIL, he won't), but at least he can say he tried to resolve it in a civilised fashion first.

Don't know if this has been mentioned but give your or her local branch of Age UK a call or the helpline and also the Alzheimer's society. One good thing about Age UK is that they can have very clued up volunteers, sometimes funded by SS, and they tend to be older so nearer in age on MiL so it doesn't look like kids interfering

God how awful for your family. My Grandma went downhill quite quickly and my Mum managed to arrange for a carer to go in 1-3 times a day (it varied over the time she was still at home as she got worse). Of course she was desperately ill and would often refuse them entry due to confusion and the stubborness/anger that is part of the illness. First of all if your MIL is still safe to remain at home I would ensure similar care is put into place in order to ensure she is washed, dressed and fed regularly. We paid for private care for my Grandma as she was able to afford it and it kept SS out of it which was helpful for my Mum as she didn't find them helpful at all.

However it sounds as if your MIL is very ill indeed, would your DH consider moving her to a home where she can be properly cared for? My Grandma (and Mum) was reluctant at first but she's very happy there and they look after her very well. Sadly she now won't leave there at all as she doesn't understand anything else now :(

You could get a mandate to take control of your MILs money but I'm not sure this will help if your sFIL is in charge of the accounting.

I agree with others, your sFIL might be suffering problems himself. Regardless of his history it could be that he is having a very hard time coping with the sudden deterioration of your MIL and in complete denial. A lot of older men find it extremely hard to accept help or to take on tasks they are not used to doing esp "womens' work".

Good luck and best wishes, this isn't a happy situation for anyone, I truly hope you and your MIL and SIL get the help you all need.

The thing is, you've already tried the "you're not coping and need help" approach. Look at all you and your SIL have done, and the buying of new clothes, arranging the cleaners and gardener, etc.

This failed, not because he's trying to cope and is not managing, but because he isn't even trying to look after her, even financially. I agree that sFIL may need an assessment to see if he is also having problems, but even if there's a medical cause for his behaviour, it's manifesting as utterly not giving a shit for the wellbeing of his wife.

Tianc, got it in one. Yes, all the softly softly approaches made by SIL, DH and me, have failed to turn up anything but that it's not really our business, which is ridiculous as it's their mum and my MIL. However, we weredependent on keeping sFIL onside so that we could continue to phone and get news etc so we assumed that he was doing what he could and should and that really the situation was rather hopeless.We no longer care about keeping him on side. He despises us anyway, so why did we bother? Easy to question your decisions with hindsight though, isn't it?

DH will be pressing, or rather, insisting, on

a) immediate entry of SS to assess and provide daily personal care for MIL;
b) a thorough clean of the house;
c) weekly (at least) cleaning services: this is currently being provided by a charity, but a couple of hours a week will not get the house clean, though it will keep it clean once the blitz is done;
d) immediate assessment of MIL's physical well-being, advice to be followed, not cast aside;
e) immediate installation of a panic button;
f) sale of over-sized house;
g) removal of the pair of them to some sort managed care.

On top of this, he is prepared to demand (but he can't really) that sFIL be assessed too.

Oh, and lastly, reimbursement of SIL's expenditure so that she can actually afford food again.

I think that's it.

It may be that MIL will have to go into a home of some sort; SS have said they can do that temporarily until the house is habitable and her care plan is in place. It's not ideal, but may be necessary. DH and SIL believe that a care home of some sort will be the best thing, but ideally would find one which will take them as a couple.