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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

80 replies

ripitupandstartagain · 03/10/2011 19:52

I'm not convinced.
I feel that once you have had a real connection with someone on many levels, you just click/get each other, the sex is wonderful etc you can't go back to being happy with less.

OP posts:

HMTheQueen · 04/10/2011 12:29

The heartache I feel everyday after my DH died, is nothing compared to how I would feel if I had never met him.

I am forever grateful I had that time with him, and although it hurts like hell that he is gone, I would never give it up, or wish it away.

rycooler · 04/10/2011 12:35

John39 - of course men love in the same way, if anything they love deeper.

In answer to the op; yes, definitely better to have loved and lost.

LittleHousebytheRiver · 04/10/2011 12:47

Yes

Ultimately all relationships end with either death or a breakup don't they?
So to have loved for a lifetime and died first would be the best option, all others end in sorrow!

I can't imaging loving any one person for the rest of my life, but it is still worth the pain.

Original poster

ripitupandstartagain · 04/10/2011 23:03

That's reassuring rycooler (based on a representative sample of one)
Yes littleHouse, I guess we are all trying to avoid the pain of loss, but doing that can miss out on the joy

OP posts:

cecilyparsley · 05/10/2011 00:48

it's all grist for the mill

akaemmafrost · 05/10/2011 11:32

Yes. I have been married twice and co-habited with two others. Obviously they all ended as I am single now. Apart from my last marriage I do think that I was the problem. I was high maintenance and found it hard to be faithful, so I tended to leave the relationships for other men. I recognise this in myself now so would avoid another long term relationship.

I wouldn't change any of it though. I had good times, I was able finally to extricate myself from my abusive last relationship because I knew what being loved felt like and this was not it despite his constant declarations while treating me like crap!

I would be much more unhappy and unfulfilled if I didn't know what it felt like to be in a loving relationship with someone. When they are good they are very life enhancing, much like good chocolate or cheese so why would you go without?

mummery · 05/10/2011 12:09

I've been in love with 3 people (at different times lol). None of them were in love with me in the same way. Two were abusive, one was just a shit. So I 'lost' in the sense that my love was wasted/pointless.

However I've learned something from the experience. I'd rather have had those relationships and feel wiser because of them, than to have not have had them and thus not be able to spot the red flags next time around.

rycooler · 05/10/2011 12:47

Ripitup: I'm not quite sure what you mean 'based on a representative sample of one' - I could have had 100 men in love with me.

Original poster

ripitupandstartagain · 05/10/2011 22:07

Rycooler - Sorry, I wasn't vlear - I meant you are the sample of one - the only person who took a view on John39's assertion that men don't love in the same way. No offence meant to you!!!

OP posts:

rycooler · 05/10/2011 22:15

I read your post completely wrong - I'm so sorry.

( I haven't had 100 lovers btw - 2 is enough )

Original poster

ripitupandstartagain · 05/10/2011 22:20

Misunderstanding based inadvertant offence alert!
Yikes - This is how wars start you know!!

OP posts:

rycooler · 05/10/2011 22:24

Thank you for sending me to sleep laughing...

solidgoldbrass · 05/10/2011 22:27

People who have never been treated with kindness or affection in their lives do suffer. Babies apparently can die or at least become very ill if they are not shown affection as well as having their basic needs of food, warmth, cleanliness met. Also, if no one loves you then you a) can't love yourself and b) can't love other people.

As to romantic couple-love - well, not everyone is interested in it. And many people who have no interest in a sexual or romantic partnership have full, happy lives. ANd some bucketheads people obsess throughout their lives about the importance of Finding The ONe and therefore forget to enjoy themselves.

rycooler · 05/10/2011 22:29

Oh, and you have a cool NN- brilliant book.

exoticfruits · 05/10/2011 22:33

DH1 died before he was 30yrs. I would go through all the pain again if I had the choice to re run. It is definitely better to have loved and lost than never loved.

Taghain · 05/10/2011 22:33

Yes. If you haven't loved you haven't lived fully.
Even the pain of loss makes you feel in a way that surpasses the ordinariness of unloved life.
Falling in love again was delightful, horrible and painful: I'm glad that it happened in spite of the pains.

Lemonylemon · 06/10/2011 09:43

My OH died just over 4 years ago. I had a year with him. The pain has been unbelievable. I never, ever, thought I would feel so much pain. It doesn't go away either. You learn to manage it/live with it.

But without him, I would not have my DD. She was born 3 months after he died.

caramelwaffle · 06/10/2011 14:38

I think only when applied to a mother and her child/ren.

GiveMeSomeSpace · 06/10/2011 14:58

Wow caramel - that's an indictment on men - on so many levels.....

IMO the answer is a definite YES

caramelwaffle · 06/10/2011 15:27

No. I simply believe it is more of a follow on from what SolidGold said here:

"As to romantic couple-love - well, not everyone is interested in it. And many people who have no interest in a sexual or romantic partnership have full, happy lives. ANd some bucketheads people obsess throughout their lives about the importance of Finding The ONe and therefore forget to enjoy themselves."

The question was "Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?"

When it comes to having a child, loving a child and losing them through death, as opposed to never having that child, yes, I personally do believe it is better to have had them for a short while.

I came to Mumsnet because I am a mother. It is my most important relationship.

caramelwaffle · 06/10/2011 15:28

I speak also as a bereaved mother.

solidgoldbrass · 06/10/2011 16:20

Caramel: Yes I agree with you there and sorry for your loss.

exoticfruits · 06/10/2011 17:13

You can apply it to any relationship-in my view it is always better to have loved and lost. I just can't imagine never loving anyone (adult or child)

Original poster

ripitupandstartagain · 06/10/2011 22:45

Interesting that the different forms of love are being discussed here. We only have one word for love which is not really adequate to describe the difference between erotic love, romantic love, parental love etc. Can't remember exactly what they all are according to the Greeks - eros, agape etc?

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 06/10/2011 23:10

Eros is sexual love, agape is sort of pure and virtuous love (with no genitalia), philos is brotherly/companionship love (the Greeks of course thought that what men did mattered more than what women did so no comparable word for sisterly love) and I think (but could be wrong) that they also used Logos to mean love for the universe.

I would kind of expect a word for parental love but can't remember one off hand.
There is also Ludus which means playful sexual affection but I think that's Latin not Greek (was the name of the most underrated of the women's sex mags of the early 90s)

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