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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

inappropriate cuddling

72 replies

nuttiestnut · 03/10/2011 14:20

Yesterday visited sil and her partner. I felt he was cuddling the kids a lot and that it was inappropriate given the fact that they barely know him. I felt like saying something but couldnt. Now I feel annoyed with myself as I think he crossed a line. Have spoken to the kids about not cuddling people they dont know very well. If this happens again I am not sure how to deal with it or what to say. Wondered if anyone has had a similar experience. How did you deal with it?

OP posts:
Shoni · 04/10/2011 10:20

I'm just wondering who bubblegumpop is referring to?

LittlePumpkinHead · 04/10/2011 13:49

I think the point about letting children go for cuddles is a really good one. My 2.5 yo DD will naturally go to cuddles with some people, others she is more wary off. I'd never dream of making her sit and cuddle someone if she didn't want to. I have no issue at all with her cuddling our male relatives or friends, because she quite obviously loves the attention and goes back for more.

However in the situation where a child is 'cajouled' into tickling and hugging I would definitely feel uncomfortable. I have never been abused but I remember having to endure similar as a child and I hated it (particularly from a friend's dad who is has since transpired abused her so I see now my 'spidey sense' about him was well founded :( ), but as a child you don't feel like you can say anything as you don't want to be naughty.

It is the parent's job to pick up on this and protect their children. That is not the same as being scared of every man being a potential paedo. Affection from children is not a right bestowed to everyone that knows them.

Fairenuff · 04/10/2011 17:32

I think the point here is that both the OP and her DH felt uncomfortable about it. I don't think the OP is sceptical about cuddling with men in general, just this particular one. It was your dad's instincts bubblegumpop that alerted him that there might be something wrong.

LineRunner · 04/10/2011 17:44

Spot on, LittlePumpkinHead. What I was saying, but not as well as you.

bubblegumpop · 04/10/2011 17:57

OFC, instincts trump everything, never said otherwise.

What annoyed me is the posters on page one, basically saying he was a paedo and doing it on purpose.

Posters can't possibly tell this! Posters also need to bare in mind that if a bloke is touchy feely in a play way. It does not make him, a suspect paedo. The worst cases lately have actually been women.

I think males and their actions towards children are being unnecessarily criminalised. Hysteria like that does not help ANYONE.

If op isn't comfortable, she isn't. That's it. But no-one can possibly say if this is out of the norm or not. Sinister or not.

FWIW, my Dad's instincts meant jack shit. He knew because my behaviour changed. Most people don't "detect" paedos you know. That's the idea.......they are the ones you least suspect. So no good 2nd guessing.

ImperialBlether · 04/10/2011 18:39

But bubblegum, you said, "This was a family visit." It wasn't though, really, not in that way. It's was the OP's SIL's partner, who barely knows the OP's children, who was doing the cuddling. That is completely different from it being the OP's father or brother.

seeker · 04/10/2011 18:40

Instinct does not trump everything!

ImperialBlether · 04/10/2011 18:52

It shouldn't be ignored though, seeker.

seeker · 04/10/2011 19:55

Of course instinct shouldn't be ignored, but to say it trumps everythingnis just bonkers.

bubblegumpop · 04/10/2011 20:10

Well it was family, aunt and partner.

What seeker said. As where does instinct end and paranoia start. I stand by what I said earlier. People writing this guy off on the 1st page as a paedo, were way ott.

bubblegumpop · 04/10/2011 20:14

What I meant to say, is I agree with her, my post earlier was in a hurry. I think instinct does trump everything with regards to this kind of scenario. If there is a genuine unusual feel of unease.

But not all the time, as one can just be hysterically paranoid.

nuttiestnut · 04/10/2011 21:02

I know how I felt about it at the time- just very uncomfortable- a sense of not being in control of what was happening due to the fact that I wanted to say 'just leave them' but I considered the possibility that he was just being friendly. I did feel that social boundaries had been crossed. If we knew him better and the kids did too, I don't think I would feel this way. He was the one who went to cuddle/tickle them all the time. As I said he called dd over from the other side of the room to come and sit on his lap- at that point I felt extremely uncomfortable.

OP posts:
seeker · 04/10/2011 21:33

IOC the children hadn't liked it they would presumably have glued themselves to your side? If you're going to trust anyone's instincts, trust theirs.

Shoni · 04/10/2011 21:57

I'm sorry seeker but that's true!!!
Like myself I did not want my mother to know for a number of reasons!! I would hide it from her!

Shoni · 04/10/2011 21:58

Sorry that was supposed to say ‘that's NOT true' stupid predictive text'

Shoni · 04/10/2011 22:20

Bubblegumpop I think your needing to read your comments over again? saying that woman Being hysterical for sharing their experiences and thoughts to help this lady make the best decision for her Children is awful I'm sorry but taking time to comment as long as you did with that language wasn't just a rush!! Angry

LineRunner · 04/10/2011 23:17

Bubblegumpop wrote

The worst cases lately have actually been women.

An 'observation' irrelevant to this thread actually, even if it were worth a sot.

bubblegumpop · 05/10/2011 10:14

People were being hysterical. You can't always judge people. People basically saying he was a paedo on page one and whipping up hysteria, were exactly that, hysterical. They can't possibly say. Men can be affectionate you know, playful. It's allowed.

Also the tarnishing of men. They are stupid, naive, dumb if they show affection towards kids. It's all DM whipped up hysteria. That has all been trotted out, right here.

Do people not see the sadness in that? Men can't be playful with kids, withiout being "dumb" as to what, that may mean.

I was in a hurry I was on my iphone, which cuts bits out if you swipe and is a pig to proof read. So stop putting words in my mouth Angry I can do those too.

It's also not irrelevant. You know women can be paedos to right? So why do men specifically have to watch what they do with children? Why not women. That was my whole point, people get hysterical over a bloke showing affection, saying he should "know better". What about women?

As I said the press have done a good job of turning men into paedos. It's sad. Really sad.

I think people read too much crap tbh.

Fairenuff · 05/10/2011 17:18

bubblegumpop not sure who exactly you think is being hysterical. The first person to use the word peado in this thread was you. It was your assumption - Am I aware of peados most likely to be in the family, yes, lets be honest, this is what we are getting at here.

The OP isn't saying all men are dangerous or it's just men, not women. She's simply saying one person's actions made her feel uncomfortable and what should she do about it. Most of the advice has been practical and sensible.

SnakeOnCrack · 05/10/2011 17:56

Well, he's probably the type to not be very good with social interatctions, really likes kids and overstepped the mark but was well meaning. If he's not used to being around kids, maybe he thought this was normal/appropriate behaviour.

I don't think anyone with actual.. intentions.. would behave this way in front of you/his partner etc. Either way it's a bit odd and you wouldn't be unreasonable to limit contact with him if it makes you uncomfortable.

Rhinestone · 05/10/2011 22:49

OP, you're the only person on this thread who was actually there. And your alarm bells / sixth sense / mother's instinct are telling you that something doesn't feel right. I would say listen to those instincts and act on them. If you're right and you trust your instincts, the worst that happens is that a nice man maybe feels a bit offended.

If you're right and you DON'T trust your instincts then the worst is truly horrible to imagine.

seeker · 06/10/2011 06:27

"sexual gratification" was mentioned after 10 posts.

For the record.

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