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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone actually caught OH with someone else ?.................

35 replies

katkin73 · 03/10/2011 10:45

...and if you knew that you could, would you?

Sorry, bit cryptic I know, but if you had advance warning, say stumbling across an email of OH planning to meet someone else, could you/would you be there to catch them out?

OP posts:
windsorTides · 03/10/2011 10:48

Yes, without even a second thought.

bubblegumpop · 03/10/2011 10:54

Hell yes.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 10:56

no, far too Jeremy Kyle

I would present the printed-off email to him along with his suitcases though

ThePosieParker · 03/10/2011 10:56

Good God yes.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 03/10/2011 11:06

Oh yes. If I knew I would catch them, of course I would. Why wouldn't I? No good to avoid the confrontation. Doesn't change the truth of it.

And, of course, actually catching them red handed means they cannot lie about it. You've got them. No gaslighting, no telling you you're paranoid or controlling or nuts...

MsGee · 03/10/2011 11:07

It has the potential to get very messy if you go there and for OH to deny any wrongdoing.

I'd go with AF's option if you have sufficient evidence from the email - mainly because a) I would have more control over that situation and b) I'd be more likely to keep my dignity.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 03/10/2011 11:08

You don't have to go in all 'Jeremy Kyle' though, you can walk in, digified, say something like "I expect you to collect your belongings at the earliest opportunity" and turn and calmly walk away.

MsGee · 03/10/2011 11:11

Hecate I do like that plan and think if OP can do that it would work and mean that you can catch them red handed. I guess this is just me but I know that I could not stick to it and would go all banshee and undignified. It would take a lot of strength to just walk out and not wait for a reaction or say something else.

Original poster
katkin73 · 03/10/2011 11:15

Am scared and need a big hug off all you ladies :( think I'm just not ready to admit that my marriage is probably over.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 11:16

I am really sorry, katkin

can you talk about what is actually happening ?

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 03/10/2011 11:16

Will doing nothing mean the marriage is not over?

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 03/10/2011 11:17

That sounded really harsh Blush I just meant that not facing up to the reality of things doesn't mean they aren't happening. It just means you stagnate, unhappily, instead of making changes that will, eventally, lead you to a happier life.

eandz · 03/10/2011 11:20

sorry Kat.

Obviously you feel horrible about this, but is there any relief found in all of this?

lubeybooby · 03/10/2011 11:23

I did, caught an ex of mine out at the airport waiting to check in for his hols with the OW. I had been suspicious and knew that was the only place he couldn't get out of it, eg if I'd gone to his house he could have just not answered the door.

Original poster
katkin73 · 03/10/2011 11:32

Hecate, thats it, I'm not facing up to the reality of it, I've been through every emotion possible-except anger, I wish I could get angry and start throwing things but I can't (stupidly blaming myself I suppose :()

Background: I was suspicious of DH for a while on and off little signs here and there, went looking for evidence and found him on website, bit like facebook, got into his chat history loads of messages to women, sex talk pictures etc etc. Same on MSN, confronted him said he was sorry, just got carried away, flattered by the attention etc never do it again, don't want to hurt you (oops too late) anyway he lasted 18 days!!!
Now back on MSN 1 week chatting to woman....!

I don't know what I want.
I know I will never trust him again, and can I live like that??
But I also know I still love him.
Scared to go it alone (although I know if he got hit by a bus tomorrow I would and could cope) its just making that decision for myself is so damn hard despite that fact that, lets be fair, he is a complete &%$£%&!!!
Help :(

OP posts:
JustinBoobie · 03/10/2011 11:33

So sorry katkin

is there any background? Is it on going or something new?

clam · 03/10/2011 11:34

I'm not sure I could bear to arrange to actually "walk in" on them during the act, (there would be a mental image I could never erase from my mind) but I might be prepared to turn up just before the event, e.g. in the hotel reception or whatever, and stop them in their tracks. Wouldn't change the intent on his part, but would ruin his illicit shag and show them both up. Bastards.

Vile business. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.

PeppermintPasty · 03/10/2011 11:36

Oh yes indeedy, caught an ex in the past. Can't recall if I was dignified or not, it all went by in a blood red boiling haze....so there's my answer Blush.

We've all got our wide shoulders and broad backs out for you katkin. Lean on us if you need to x

GreenMonkies · 03/10/2011 11:39

Yes, I would.

Ex got caught out when a tweet from his lover scrolled across the top of his iphone screen. Stupid twat forgot to switch it off when he fell asleep one night. I looked her up on twitter and asked her if she'd enjoyed her hotel mini-break with the father of my two little girls, and asked her if she was going to explain to them why he was leaving. Then I woke him up and told him how long he had got to pack.

But I would've popped down to meet them if I'd had the chance. Fuckers.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 11:39

kat, is this how you saw your marriage ?

is this how you want to live ?

your husband is massively disrespecting you

it sounds like you have sufficient evidence to show him the door

are you happy to share him with other women, because it doesn't sound like he is going to stop I am afraid

GreenMonkies · 03/10/2011 11:41

Katkin, you don't still love him, you love the person he used to be, before he started this affair.

Trust me, you will be happier once he's gone (perhaps not instantly, although I was) but if he stays you'll never be confident or happy again, because you'll always be wondering.

fiventhree · 03/10/2011 11:44

I agree. He isnt going to stop. You discovered it and had the chat and gave him another chance. He waited for it all to die down and then arranges to meet someone.

You cant ever trust him again, I wouldnt think.

Should you go? I dont think it matters one way or the other- it depends what would make you feel better.

You poor love.

fiventhree · 03/10/2011 11:47

I suppose if you do go to catch him in the act, he cant pull the line that he never turned up or changed his mind?

AnyFucker · 03/10/2011 11:49

it doesn't sound like kat is emotionally-strong enough to do the turning-up thing, tbh Sad

don't do it kat, or if you do, take along a very strong and trusted friend who will get you out of there at the first sign of things getting out of control

oldwomaninashoe · 03/10/2011 12:04

The other thought is that by confronting her OH "in the flesh" so to speak will bring the reality of his behaviour home to her, and make her angry rather than sad.

I do know someone who turned up at her DH's hotel (as a surprise) he was away on work business, and caught him out. She had no idea, and was very shocked but the anger kicked in straight awayand she coped with his betrayal she feels easier because she was confronted with all the "visual sordidness" of it all and just felt contempt for him!