I wanted to end this relationship but I am still here

[CactusRash]

Been with H for 14 years and we have 2 primary school age dcs.
Things have been very hard since the birth of first dcs, just getting harder and harder as time went on.

I told H a year ago that I had enough but tbh didn't have emotional strength to go much further away than this. He was very difficult to live with, was very hurtful (some of his behaviors could be said to be abusive). His attitude towards the dcs was bad too.
A few things changed in this last year. It very much felt as if it was too little too late.

So I decided to leave after the summer and the dc birthday. I had decided that this weekend I would tell him it's finished, that there is nothing to salvage and I am not in love with anymore.

But... this sunday has been the day where he decided for the first time in well... perhaps years to actually be relatively relaxed. He smiled. I even managed to have a relaxed conversation with him, very much a chitchat type of things but we haven't had that in a very very long time. Quite a few of his unacceptable behaviors seem to have disappeared over the summer (as my resolve to leave was getting stronger ).
At the same time, I spoke to my mum about my decision and she has been equal to herself. Oh poor him. So hard, what about the dcs etc... Always putting herself/me after others (read my dad, my H) as these poor men have had such bad childhood/so many difficulties etc.. I knew she would do that, so I hadn't talk to her about it before. But my strength has disappeared again.

So my question is really, is my feeling that nothing can be salvaged the right one? Am I putting everybodyelse before me (again!)? Or should I give H another chance (again!)?

[LydiaWickham]

well, you have a choice, you can leave him and have happier children, or you can stay with him and not feel guilty about leaving.

That's basically what your arguements come down to.

[waterrat]

You talk about trying topic yourself first - but it's your children that should come first. They have no choice and they need you to act for them and teach them - if you don't get out now they will grow up like him or they will marry someone like him.

I don't know how you can justify keeping them in this environment.

And of course, as you say, one day is meaningless - it's not about occasional pleasant behaviour it's about who he really is and how he makes you all feel

This isn't the 1950s you know you need to go so don't let your kids learn any more crap behaviour ...good luck, you will feel so free ...

[waterrat]

Sorry - to put .. Not topic...

[NorthernerAtHeart]

Keep working at it. You can get there in the end - and you sound to be in a much worse situation than me at the moment. I have been there time and time again pretending everything is ok after a good day or two, only for things to crash back down again sometime later.

So, I had a really bleak couple of weeks at the start of last month - pretty much stuff we have talked about before really getting me down. I just felt worse and worse and couldn't shake it. As a last resort I made an appointment just for me with our counsellor. After that hour I felt better than I had done in such a long time (despite lots of tears within the session too). She was pretty much telling me what I need to do, validating my feelings and telling me that I HAVE been making it pretty clear to DH that I don't want to continue with our marriage.

2 weeks ago I told him this - I wanted space, proper space - he's been crying lots (never seen him cry before) and telling me how we just need to keep talking and how things are getting better. Hmm. He went to see the counsellor too, although I don't think it achieved as much. I'm really not sure it has properly registered with him. I suppose I should just be repeating what I want all the time, but I have kind of gone quiet again. I find myself quite short with him, and I don't like my snapiness at the moment.

He has been working at things (in between crap bits) for a good few months, loves the kids to bits and gets on with them pretty well.

So, I'm still here too. I stopped posting for a bit as I needed to stop over analysing. It doesn't really leave my head at all. :(