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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why did this happen - wondering what I did wrongly!

36 replies

Socci · 18/12/2005 18:09

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tillykins · 18/12/2005 18:10

How odd - and how rude! Did they know that you had friends coming as well?

harpsiheraldangelssing · 18/12/2005 18:11

you did nothing wrong
your in laws behaved in an appallingly rude fashion, and I;m with your dh on this one.
It's their loss, seriously.
sorry but I am all out of patience with adults who behave like toddlers this afternoon

foundintransleightion · 18/12/2005 18:13

How very, very rude of them.
Maybe they wanted their granddaughters to themselves? Maybe they think that if you invite friends as well they're nothing 'special'? Nothing excuses their behaviour, but I'm just looking for explanations.

Original poster
Socci · 18/12/2005 18:15

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harpsiheraldangelssing · 18/12/2005 18:17

SERIOUSLY don't be upset
pretend they're toddlers
ignore them - they just want a reaction
go and have a glass of wine or a hot bath or something nice
xx

tillykins · 18/12/2005 18:17

Well then, I think they were just plain pig ignorant
I agree with your DH, its not worth ringing and asking them anything - you won't get anywhere with that
Perhaps they are just the sort of people that prefer to socialise one on one, if that makes sense?
Shrug it off, their loss!
I hope your friends weren't offended

Original poster
Socci · 18/12/2005 18:26

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Original poster
Socci · 18/12/2005 19:49

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fireflyfairy2 · 18/12/2005 19:58

We had a party for our DS and DD (who are 1 and 4 over xmas) and we didn't invite grandparents (from either side) Just cousins and some friends of DD's from playgroup. Yesterday my MIL came in and DD said to her "It's my birthday today!" MIL looked all superior and said "Oh noo sweetheart, it's NEXT week"

DD told her it was today cos she got lots of presents from her friends and cousins.. we then got the 3rd degree as to why we had a party and never told them!! (neither sets of GP's see our children often and have no day to day involvement in their lives) My mum was okay about it, she said she couldn't have stuck 20 screaming kids all afternoon, and I dunno why MIL was so annoyed anyway, she had a hair appointment!

Let them stew in their own juices and don't let them make you feel guilty.. it was for the kids, let them go and grow up!! Thats what we've decided to do with ours!!

itllbelonelythisdavros · 18/12/2005 20:31

Personally I would call them (myself) and ask if anything was wrong and that I am worried about what happened and that I don't know if there was a problem, don't say you did this, you did that (I learned about this recently, its called "I messages"!). I think kindly confrontation to get it out of the way is best. I have done this myself with MIL (years ago) and it puts people on a back foot. Then you can move on and enjoy Xmas. Don't blame you if you don't fancy doing it though. I wouldn't wait for DH

philippat · 18/12/2005 20:38

it's so obvious - they last met them somewhere embarrassing...

MummyJules · 18/12/2005 21:07

How weird but how awful for you! Did your friends seem to notice? Was there any reason why the pil's thought that it would be "just them"?

Think its disgraceful behaviour especially as you were celebrating a birthday - How childish and selfish of them.

wombat2 · 18/12/2005 21:27

This seems quite like how my parents might react if they felt offended, although I don't think they would actually leave!! Perhaps it is all down to communication problems? ie they had not understood that your friends were coming and so felt put out that they were not the only ones there (especially as they only see your dd's occasionally), perhaps they thought you wanted to be on your own with your friends (my parents tend to think they are unwelcome because they are old and 'boring'!)? Not condoning their rather extreme reaction, but just trying to come up with explanations?

Maybe it would be best just to ignore it and then ring them up in a chatty way, inviting them over again on their own another time? Seems to me they are wanting a bit of attention!! (yes, I know you don't need any more toddlers around!)

Don't think it's worth getting into a big rift over, anyway.

Original poster
Socci · 18/12/2005 23:37

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BluStocking · 18/12/2005 23:42

I think Phillipat has the answer....swingers club? The Priory? On Community Service?

thecattleareALOHing · 18/12/2005 23:45

Blu!

NewBethlehemGirlwithsparkles · 18/12/2005 23:46

Sadly my in laws (well my MIL) is like this.

She will not associate with any friends and is hard pushed to come round when my family are here.

She has expressed on more than one occasion that she doesn't agree with how we celebrate our dd's birthday (we do it just like you btw, at home, close friends and family) which is probably why she doesn't bother.

Agree with the others shrug it off and ignore them. It is their loss.

PruniStuffing · 19/12/2005 00:02

phillipat and blu - you got there before me.
Swinging, it has to be.
Or your friends are solicitors and have seen your in laws up at the mags court?
Or they're doctors and have met them in indelicate circs?
(That did happen to someone I know...)

Caligyulea · 19/12/2005 00:11

I just wouldn't refer to it or mention it again. It's bad manners on their part, but so what? Some people are bad mannered. No use making an issue of it, it won't improve their manners. Best to ignore it imo and carry on exactly as if it wasn't a problem, it was just a normal nice social occasion. ("Such a pity MIL and DIL had to rush off - such a pity you couldn't stay, MIL and DIL - ooh more gin, yes please"... and airly carry on with life.) Agree with others that like toddler behaviour, this sort of thing should only be confronted if it presents an immediate danger or nuisance. And now that the nuisance is passed, I'm not sure what you'd gain from discussing this with them. If they're swingers, they're not likely to fess up , and if they're just socially inept, you're not likely to change that.

Original poster
Socci · 19/12/2005 00:51

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Original poster
Socci · 19/12/2005 11:14

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COPPERfeelunderSantasTOP · 19/12/2005 11:21

Until I read your later posts I was going to suggest that perhaps they felt that as they's had their 'turn' at spending time with the dds that they were leaving to give you and your friends some more space. Now though i think your original thoughts were spot-on and they were just being incredibly rude.

petunia · 19/12/2005 12:28

You didn't do anything wrong. I was wondering whether you've had any trouble from your ILs before? I ask because this sounds like the sort of thing my ILs would do. My ILs take offence at the slightest thing.

What your ILs did was really rude, not to mention pathetic and childish. I probably wouldn't invite them to any more parties if they can't behave themselves.

yULeYSEES · 19/12/2005 12:52

Mmmm something a bit odd going on here? Chocolate bar??

If it was me I'd have to ask if anything is wrong as it could be something outside of this. Have they visited the gp lately? If you don't get any joy then at least you've asked. If they get arsey then....well I won't swear it's Christmas

Original poster
Socci · 19/12/2005 12:57

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