Am close to exploding with rage

[imustbeamug]

Sorry this is long. need to let off steam.

I am beyond furious with DP. Today ive been running about like a blue arsed fly. I scrubbed the bathroom from top to bottom, gave the kitchen a huge clean down, too, painted a wall that's needed doing for months, done 5 loads of washing, then this afternonn I had to shut myself away to finish some work as im self-employed.

He has taken DC out for lunch and spent the afternoon on the beach in the sun. I have had to work through bath and bedtime and DC is in bed so I already feel guilty that ive not been around today.

Have just gone into the bathroom for a wee to find a piece of shit smeared over the bathroom floor (DC is still small and must have dropped it when wiping) Our floor is very light, so it would be pretty hard to miss a piece of that size. DP has thrown the clean bathmat on top of it and left it for me to discover. The kitchen is also a complete dump again the surfaces are really messy with food all over and the floor is covered in spilt food. It doesn't look like it has been cleaned for weeks, let alone this morning.

DP does this sort of thing every day, gives me no help with housework, even though I frequently work longer than he does, and he then expects me to come along behind him sorting out all these delightful 'gifts' he leaves. Yesterday evening, DS wet himself. DP put him in the shower and washed him off, but dumped the pee-covered clothes on storage unit in the bathroom where they sat until I found them in a stinking heap later that evening. He never finishes cleaning anything up His too excuses are 'I didn't see it' or 'I was going to come back and do it later' but he never does.

He wont 'let' me employ a cleaner (and i know realistically its beyond our budget), hasn't had a pay rise in years but wont look for a better paid job, insists I cant give up work and says 'I'm not going to work myself into the ground because you want to be at home' but won't help out either. I barely get a day off, or any family time, as im constantly playing catchup with all the jobs. its not as if I am extra houseproud, believe me, the house gets really grotty and I am just about staying on top of the basics.

WWYD? Please don't suggest that I should just go on strike. He wouldn't care if I did and would happily live in a rubbish tip if it meant he didn't have to do any cleaning and with DC in house that is not an option. I have to do something though, as I cant go on like this. I feel like he is getting all the good times with DC and I am just spending my time mopping up the mess.

Are you really going to pick up his socks feeling? That's terrible.

It's your husband who is lucky, not you.

OP, this is what's going on here. This man thinks that you are only a 'woman' and therefore you exist for his benefit.
I bet he moans that you don't let him have enough sex on you, as well.

Clouds we both have our good points and bad points, and when I read some of the threads on here I thank my lucky stars that I have the DH that I have! Ok that makes me sound pathetic, but knowing that when our new baby comes along, DH will be up in the night with me, will do all the hands-on stuff with DS, and will probably do all of the cooking, is helping to get me through!!!

Yes the sock thing irritates me (but not as much as the pants in the hallway ) but generally I do ok!

It's just so degrading. Sorry. You being grateful too. How grateful is he for everything you do? Not grateful enough even to pick up his own socks it seems.

You say he's a great father OP, but he isn't. You are the person your DC love most in the world and rather than cherishing you and respecting you he is treating you like dirt and giving that example to his children. That is not the mark of a good father.

One practical suggestion I would give is to buy your partner his own wash basket and tell him he is responsible for his own washing from now on. Then, just completely ignore his washing. That's one job at least off your hands.

My DH isn't great at housework but he does at least try and is apologetic when he realises that he's been a bit rubbish. It's been a big issue between us before but over the years it has improved due to some things I've done. For one thing I've never done his washing, ever, as I know it's one job he'll definitely do himself. Having to do that job forces him to be somewhat organised and sort of opens his eyes to the fact that housework doesn't just do itself. Also I've given him specific jobs to do such as cleaning the bathroom and hoovering. If he doesn't do these jobs properly I call him up and show him what he's done wrong. That was incredibly annoying to begin with, for both of us, but now I don't need to do that much any more.

These tactics worked only because he has huge respect for me. He knows I work hard looking after DS and he knows it's difficult to keep on top of housework. He hates housework and doesn't expect me to love it because I'm a woman. I accept that he finds it a pain to do and I accept the he'll forget at times, fair enough, but I also take the approach that consistent slacking isn't acceptable. He signed up to be in a relationship and running a home together is part of that.

Here is a list of what my DH does around the house;
The washing up if I have cooked.
THAT'S IT!
He will do other stuff if I ask/nag him but he will often have an excuse/moan as to why he can't do it or he will do it later.
Just for fun here is a list of things he has NEVER done;
Cleaned the bath and toilet,put a load of washing on, made our bed with clean bedlinen, cleaned out cupboards,washed the floors, cleaned mirrors/windows, folded up and put away clean clothes,cleaned the oven,washed woodwork, made the kids beds,swept stairs!!! I could go on and on.
I just gave up really and do it myself now.

I am gobsmacked, lollilou. Women are their own worse enemies. Why would you have children with such a person?

and marry him??

Live with the poor standard of his job for four weeks....go on strike. It won't kill anyone.

Thats just men. We tend to do it all and they just dont see it. I like being single ish. (DP only stays about 2/3 nights a month!) in the five years i've known him, hes learnt to cook, clean, wash, juggle etc etc as a PT single dad (has his kids 4 days a fortnight) and only now has appreciation of what i've been doing for 10 years. They just dont see it.
If you want quality time with DC, just go out and do it! You'll remember those days out and be able to look back on them, you dont want to look back and just see the endless housework.
Take a male view and ignore the chores sometimes. I am being sympathetic honest. Make the most of this glorious weather! Chin up!

Well, I had a word with OH this morning about how he has stopped doing his share since DD was born. He listened but made no real response but promised to do a bit of cleaning tomorrow on his day off while I'm at work. Hope you can have a word with your DP too. Although Idk if he will follow through yet...

Ido very little housework because I think it is mostly a waste of time (and also I don't care that people might judge me for having a messy house. They can get to the back of the fucking queue for for all the other aspects of my behavour that are 'unfeminine' and 'bad'). However, I am single partly because I do not want a man living in my house making more mess and behaving as though it's my job to clean it up because I am the one with tits. There's a lot to be said for low housework standards - the world won't end if the washing up is only done every other day.
However, a man who does no domestic work and complains that his DW doesn't do enough and that he doesn't get enough sex is a man who should be dumped immediately. Because that's a man who really hates women and he won't change.