Am close to exploding with rage

[imustbeamug]

Sorry this is long. need to let off steam.

I am beyond furious with DP. Today ive been running about like a blue arsed fly. I scrubbed the bathroom from top to bottom, gave the kitchen a huge clean down, too, painted a wall that's needed doing for months, done 5 loads of washing, then this afternonn I had to shut myself away to finish some work as im self-employed.

He has taken DC out for lunch and spent the afternoon on the beach in the sun. I have had to work through bath and bedtime and DC is in bed so I already feel guilty that ive not been around today.

Have just gone into the bathroom for a wee to find a piece of shit smeared over the bathroom floor (DC is still small and must have dropped it when wiping) Our floor is very light, so it would be pretty hard to miss a piece of that size. DP has thrown the clean bathmat on top of it and left it for me to discover. The kitchen is also a complete dump again the surfaces are really messy with food all over and the floor is covered in spilt food. It doesn't look like it has been cleaned for weeks, let alone this morning.

DP does this sort of thing every day, gives me no help with housework, even though I frequently work longer than he does, and he then expects me to come along behind him sorting out all these delightful 'gifts' he leaves. Yesterday evening, DS wet himself. DP put him in the shower and washed him off, but dumped the pee-covered clothes on storage unit in the bathroom where they sat until I found them in a stinking heap later that evening. He never finishes cleaning anything up His too excuses are 'I didn't see it' or 'I was going to come back and do it later' but he never does.

He wont 'let' me employ a cleaner (and i know realistically its beyond our budget), hasn't had a pay rise in years but wont look for a better paid job, insists I cant give up work and says 'I'm not going to work myself into the ground because you want to be at home' but won't help out either. I barely get a day off, or any family time, as im constantly playing catchup with all the jobs. its not as if I am extra houseproud, believe me, the house gets really grotty and I am just about staying on top of the basics.

WWYD? Please don't suggest that I should just go on strike. He wouldn't care if I did and would happily live in a rubbish tip if it meant he didn't have to do any cleaning and with DC in house that is not an option. I have to do something though, as I cant go on like this. I feel like he is getting all the good times with DC and I am just spending my time mopping up the mess.

speaking of work, i must get some done. ill come back in a while, but thank you all for listening and for your support. it has been a big help to put it all down and see it in black and white.

so i will be on strike, as of now, and will come back to update you on 'operation slacker'

Dear Mug,
I TOTALLY empathise. Every so often DH and I have an argument, in which I cry, and he makes more effort for, ooh, about 5 days maybe. And then he goes back to apparently just not noticing that there is washing up to do AFTER HE HAS COOKED INSANE AMOUNTS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, or just not seeing THE CLOTHES THAT HE TAKES OFF WHILE WATCHING TELEVISION AND LEAVES ON THE FLOOR. He does exactly what your DH does in terms of DS's clothes etc. And I, too, am self-employed and do it from home, while looking after DS and running/ cleaning the house etc. and DH is supposed to be in charge of things like paying the bills (I pay the mortgage and the council tax, and do most of the shopping, so he is supposed to sort out the others) and getting the car MOTd (due now, I bet I end up sorting it out). And my favourite bit is when he tells me that it's easier for me because I'm at home and so have time to fit in ringing the garage and sorting it out etc. Or time to go to the bank and pay the bills/ write cheques, stick them in an envelope.
Sometimes I think about going on strike. But last time I tried to ignore the post etc. our phone got cut off, which meant no internet connection which I kind of have to have as I work from home. And it's illegal for the car not to be MOTd. So what does one do, seriously?
Anyway, I will be watching this thread with great interest. I would LOVE to find a way to persuade our husbands to do more to help.

Love Puffikins

P.S. DH once told me that I have much higher standards than him, and it wasn't fair that I expect him to live up to mine, rather than dropping down to his. Incidentally, his are really REALLY low. I once went away for a week, and came home to find that he'd been and bought more mugs at a charity shop. We'd 'run out', i.e., all 18 needed washing up.

Puffykins you sound like you are living my life. your line about 'higher standards' is so familiar. Ive heard that one a million times. the fact that my standards are about the same as everyone else seems to pass him by.

Well... you have my sympathy.. my OH is equally as lazy and after going on strike for a week myself I've spent the evening cleaning my living room, folding clothes, cleaning the bathroom and putting wash loads on. I've also not spoken to him in the last 2 days as I'm so angry at him - the only response this has provoked is him calling me moody. Given up talking to him about it as he just give me excuses about him working, being tired or looking after the baby. If he only knew what tiredness was - I don't remember him ever waking up with the baby and then going to work all day!

I understand how you feel- if you find anything that works for you I'm open to suggestions. ATM I am just looking after me and LO and leaving him to fend for himself. Doesn't seem to be working tbh...

I might keep a black sack to fill with his dumped stuff, which goes in the garage at the end of the week. I wonder how long it would take for all his stuff to be out there?

he has a fucking cheek - does he think you are a maid or something?

bubble has hit the nail on the head; OH places no value on your time

or happiness by the sounds of it either

IME it wont improve. I am nearly divorced; with less cleaning and tidying to do and no furious feelings of frustration from being so disrespected and taken advantage off- much better!

He won't change. The cycle will continue forever. Insist on a cleaner regardless of the fact he's said no to one. Once you've got one he won't argue, as long as you can afford it. Otherwise leave the git. Easier said than done as I haven't yet!

Why the he'll did you do any of that on a beautiful day like to day. You are crazy

Hell stupid polite American iPods!

Not crazy, just frantically trying to keep up and very resentful.

Have you tried to keep up a diary of what you are doing during the day? I mean all of it, from the little things plike picking up his cup of tea left in the living room to cooking dinner, making the bed and putting the dcs to bed.
And also the times that you have for yurself. he little 5min of peace where you read an email (personnal), or have a phone call with a firend. I've done it before and tbh it has been a reak eye opener. It might do the trick for yourself and your H.

Failing that I can only see 3 options

• accepting it will always be like this and try to make it easier on you
• giving up and separating
• and finding a solution together, perhaps with the help of a counsellor.

I have had a similar issue with H but his standards aren't that low. So when I stopped doing some things (like hoovering that I am not too fussed about), he felt he had to do something about it. Mind you, I didn't go on a full strike and I picked the things that were not that important for me. It worked but it took a long time, much more than a week. Which is why it might be a good idea not to get on a full strike as you will not be able to stand it for that long.

Have you ever heard that story?
If you have a bucket and some sand & stones and you want to fill the bicket, you can do it 2 different ways.

• You can put the sand first but then yu will struggle to put the stones in.

Youcan put the stones first and then the sand will go in the crack between the stones. You will be ab;e to carry both the sand and the stones togther in the bucket. That's the same with life. Sart by putting in the most important things (so look after your work, yourself, your dcs) then put the sand in (all these little things that are not as important or actually as important as they make themselves out to be, I personnaly put HW in it but also some of the gardening, house decorating, going to seefriends acquaintances etc...).

You need to put time in and prioritize the important things for you (work, dcs, yourself!) then think about HW. You might find that by giving the right importance to thngs, thr organisation will fall back into place also with very strong words to your H about it all

You sound like a martyr. Just because you decided to spend teh day doing boring house stuff why should he? The trouble is you have taken on ownership of teh housework and see his help just as help. The default isnt you picking up after him. Why would you do that? If dh had done the things your dh had then I would assume he was coming back to finish them off at some point. I wouldnt be sorting anything out as housework isnt just my job. You need to start seeing it as a partnership rather than him helping you before things can get better.

Youdidn't read, wa: she says when she leaves it he doesn't do it as he doesn't mind. He'll never see it as a partnership - always as doing something for her.

That's my point. He knows she will sees mopping up what he has left as her responsibility. He knows this because she does.

he is an arse

it's unlikely he'll change

you'd probably find life easier and more pleasant without him

It sounds like passive aggression to me. On his part. He does the jobs but does them so badly or in such a half-arsed manner that your time is spent fixing everything he leaves or just doing it yourself in the first place. Do you think he could be punishing you for even daring to think that he might pull his weight domestically.

I don't think calling her a martyr is helpful. She is hard-working and would like her husband to help.

Lots and lots of really good advice here. I would say the key thing is, you are now on different pages with this.

He is still seeing these issues as just part of the wallpaper, iyswim. 'Oh there she goes again.' Yes, that makes him a dick, which you are now fully realising. A silly selfish dick who is actually putting HIS OWN happiness at risk, because he's now destroying your love for him.

He doesn't see that for you it's moved into separation territory. And he doesn't see that because to him, it's all trivial. It's about a tiny bit of poo on the bathrug - not about basic respect. It's about a few pots and pans - not about the fact that he does not care about or value how you spend your time.

You now need to sit him down and tell him that you are genuinely considering separation because you can't spend the rest of your life with a man you no longer love or respect, and who clearly thinks of you as dirt.

Do you think it'll shock him, really shock him? Then you might have a chance of 'waking up' this manchild and making him realise that it's literally change or die.

If his response is an eye-rolling 'I'll change' ... then I don't see much hope without drastic action, such as planning to separate, making a unilateral decision to take on a cleaner and telling him that if he feels no need to pick up after himself (basic respect) you feel no need to consult him any more about cleaning-related decisions (basic respect). Oh and as for funds, tell him that from now on, you are opening a bank account of your own and starting a leaving fund, as you feel that you and the children might need it fairly soon. So there will be less in the pot...

All VERY drastic - I hope you don't need these options.

I feel for you.

'I'm not going to work myself into the ground because you want to be at home'

You know that says enough about how he feels about you. He's a nasty resentful person who apparently views your relationship as a competition or a set of hostilities. What a horrible way to talk to his own partner.

He sounds like a lazy slob. The poo thing is absolutely disgusting and leaving it there to fester for you to find shows how little he respects you.

He can't be arsed to change his ways despite the numerous tellings things have to change.

I think it's time here to pull out the big guns and say that you refuse to live like this anymore. Maybe if he thinks you are serious about leaving he will be shocked into actually behaving like an adult and not just a messy child.

I really feel for you.

Hello,

Having read a little more I would just like to reiterate the idea of looking after yourself and your son and not "looking after" your husband at all. You don't have the energy or time for it, I don't think. In practical terms, this would mean all his clothes go in the washbasket if left on the floor, and then in a black bag in the garden if they clog up the washbasket. You eat a decent lunch at work and then don't "cook for adults" in the evening, just get yourself toast or sandwich. I swear I would take it as far as keeping a clean set of crockery and cultery for you and your son and putting the rest of his mess in the yard or garden. You will still have to clean the bathroom and so on to keep yourself sane. But you don't have to buy anything for him in the supermarket, do his ironing, make allowances in any way. And you don't need to get cross about it. Wait for him to get cross, wait for him to get angry and look unreasonable and look like a nag. Just stay calm and catch up with yourself and your son.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

As EVERYONE has said, you have to get a cleaner! My DH is a lovely man and a wonderful hands on father, and has been very supportive of me over the last nine months of a not very nice pregnancy by taking over most of the tasks with DS. So I'm lukcy, I know.

BUT!

He has the same blind spots as yours. He takes clothes off and leaves them where they fall. He'll forget about a pee-y outfit of DS's that he's taken off then I "discover" it. He doesn't see when the cleaning needs doing, or ever put a load of washing on. He'll do stuff if I nag him, and tells me I just need to TELL him to do stuff. When I do he will spend the evening cleaning the bathroom or kitchen. But I just got so pissed off with having to tell him. Neither of us are particularly houseproud, but I actually want a more habitable house, and we'll have a newborn imiinently so something has to be done.
So I finally got a cleaner last week!
I figured, ok it's an expense, but we're not going to be going out much over the next few months, and my quality of life is going to increase massively just by knowing that those jobs will be taken care of. And of course DH's quality of life will increase too as he will no longer be "nagged" by me. I know we'll still have to tidy up, but I'm going to feel so much less resentful if it's just picking up a few socks.
And if they leave children's stuff lying around, then we should go and hand the to them and say "right you need to soak this in some Napisan" instead of doing it for them!