Mutual attraction?

[ShowerGel]

Short version: married for 2nd time, DP2 is an alcoholic and we have had some rocky moments over the last 15 years but we do love each other.
Been at my current workplace for the past 7 years and I have a good circle of colleagues that I can talk/share with. One is a guy (B) with whom I discuss books, films and life in general. This year we met in the photocopy room and ?something? happened ? no words exchanged, no touching ? just a feeling I had. Next time we met (usually attend a meeting about once a month) he couldn?t look at me. The time after that there were smiles and a touch on my arm from him.
Then a mutual colleague gets cancer, is looked after by the wife (also a colleague), and subsequently dies. At the funeral B sees me and kisses me on the forehead. I was taken aback by this but did not have the emotional strength or time to discuss it with him. At the next meeting he gives me an even bigger grin.
A month later (July, and the next scheduled meeting) he comes to my office and as we walk along the corridor I can sense he is quiet so I ask him how he is (thinking it is related to the loss of our colleague) and he tells me that he is splitting from his partner of 21 years. We attend the meeting and then afterwards he comes and tells me that he has re-mortgaged the house to buy her out and that they are sleeping apart. He told her that he doesn?t love her any more and he has a terrible sense of guilt because of the hurt it caused. I ask him if there is a third party involved and he says no.
I have been in shock ever since. DP and I had a humungous row shortly after this event due to DP having an altercation with a relative of mine. I have examined my feelings thoroughly and I know I love DP, for all sorts of reasons, even though he has some terrible drink-fuelled rages ? but I can?t get B out of my head. Given that I will have to continue working alongside B and I am someone who knows what separation and loss are, hence, perhaps his turning to me, I find myself struggling with emotions.

Sounds very difficult, if you want to stay with dp, minimise all contact with other guy.

Thanks, MM, that's what I tell myself ....

If you're committed to your marriage, despite your H's alcoholism, then avoid this relationship with the work colleague. I'd also be extremely sceptical about a man who says he has ended a relationship, is sleeping in separate rooms but is still living with the women concerned.

are you able to continue dealing with DP's alcoholism for as long as he has it? if you truely love him and enjoy your marriage, then lessen the contact with the other guy.

agree with charbon about being wary of a man like that. he dose know your a married woman right?

Charbon why? It happens I stayed in the same house as my husband for six months sleeping seperately, living seperately because that was the only way he had a roof for six months.

It's not all bullshit you know.

Fabby it's a moot point in this case anyway, because fortunately, it doesn't sound as though the OP wants an affair, but if I were ever to agree to a relationship with someone who said he was separated but under the same roof as his wife, I'd do everything I could to verify that he was speaking the truth, including speaking to the ex-wife if necessary. In truth though, I'd be far more likely to suggest he comes back to me when he was living alone, because I'd assume he'd need some space before jumping into another relationship and I just wouldn't want the aggro.

I can't always say I enjoy my marriage and so I know I am in a vulnerable state. DP has been an alcoholic for as long as I have known him. In the past three years he has retired and now, when I get home form work, he is often using the kitchen work tops to keep him upright. He goes into rages about life and occasionally it gets directed at me even though I am not the trigger. The sex life is non-existent - I have long found it difficult to partake in love-making when he is as drunk as he is - a 'stab in the dark' is literal :)
B has not made a play for me in any way, shape or form other than his small non-verbal gestures. He always talks about work-related issues. He is being honest about the housing/mortgage thing and he says that it will be settled next week. They are in the process of dividing things - photos, etc.

I actually want to 'normalise' the relationship that I have had with B for the past seven years - avoiding him would not be like me and he may feel it was a further aspect of social rejection that you experience at break ups.

ill be honest,im unsure why you would want to stay married to a dp like that

Chronaut, when you have been married before you know the pain and heartache that splitting up can bring. So the sense of failure is one aspect I suppose. DP has been very supportive of me over the years and I have had a sense of independence that many other women would envy - I have also been equally lonely, as DP now hardly goes out. We don't do the cinema (he is intolerant of the noise), we don't do eating out much (he can make food much better and cheaper to - his words), we don't do foreign holidays any more (the hassle of the airports), we don't go sight-seeing (who wants to be stuck in traffic). So I got a dog and I take myself out. Having conversations at work reminds me how normal people live, although as B exemplifies, you don't what is happening behind the curtains.

Regardless of the work colleague I would not stay married to a man like your Dh

Well I spent a restless night thinking about the virtues of DP. Thank you MNetters, at least I stopped thinking of B.
Why am I with DP - well I paint him black before I start to add the colours, so that is my negative trait. Firstly I compare him to my XH, who I never really loved. (I woke up on the day after my wedding and thought 'What have I done?') That said we produced two children and we rubbed along for 20 years. Ex could bully me and was one that watched/played sport for most of the time. He didn't listen, was a terrible manager of money and was blind to the struggles I was going through. When I met DP I fell in love and despite the fact he is the more difficult character to live with, I have stayed in love and when he is sober having his arms around me is The Most Wonderful feeling. He is confident, unlike XH, intelligent, supportive and has some money nous. XH derided me for being a grammar school girl, DP has given me emotional support through my degree and beyond. The downside is he is an alcoholic and all that brings. He has the emotional insight to recognize that at times I am functioning as his carer.

I couldn't live with an alcoholic. You are less important to him than booze. He may be a great guy in many ways, but in the end you are living a lonely life, with alcohol as your husband's mistress.

If I got home from work once and my husband couldn't stand up because he'd drunk too much, I'd wonder what the hell was going on. If it happened regularly... well, it wouldn't. I wouldn't come home to see what kind of state he was in.

I doubt 'at times' you are acting as his carer. You ARE his carer, full time.

I don't know if it is any good but look at the AA stuff for carers of alcoholics. I think B is very important to you, because any carer needs some let out into the normal world. Are you worrying too much about the flirty side of your relationship with him? Perhaps you both need someone to lean on and that is ok. Don't beat yourself up about needing something else/someone else other than your partner. Don't make a move on B. If you and he respect each other then any move on either side can be dealt with and the friendship remain. Posting here may be a good way to work out your feelings.

Maybe it's the sense of being cared for that draws you to B. You are defined by being a carer to your husband. The desire to be cared for can be overwhelming, I think.

What was that thing Reality said ages ago? Just because you've escaped from a Level 8 bastard, doesn't mean you have to settle for the Level 3 one who comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is NONE. (While your DP's behaviour might only happen when he is drunk, it doesn't mean that it's not abusive.)

I'm sure your DH is a lovely person under it all and brings some real positive support etc to your life, but the other things - being difficult to live with, the rages (Do your children live with you? They shouldn't have to witness this :() and everything in your post from 23.04 - these things are not the price you have to pay for someone nice. I know it sounds really callous and hard-hearted to essentially say ditch him for someone without the issues, but his issues are not your responsibility. Helping him out of love, yes, great. At great cost to you and your children? No, that's not fair at all. Also worth looking at - are you caring for him, or enabling him? Perhaps the time has come to be cruel to be kind, and you can't safely stick around to deal with the fallout, especially if there are children involved.

I think you are attracted to B because he represents the chance/idea of a normal relationship, a way out, if you like. I don't think you should make a move on him, because I think that would make things worse and in any case even if you did split up from DH it's not a great idea to go straight into the next relationship. But I think it could be helpful to recognise that it's probably not B you want in particular, you're just craving normality, a normal relationship, a normal life.

I completely empathize with feeling a failure and that worry stopping any movement away from a relationship. But believe me, you can see leaving a crap relationship as success and a brave move. What's to admire in people who waste life on misery? You're q long time dead.
Once you're out you'll wonder, eventually, why you stayed so long. You sound like a good person trying to do the right thing. Start putting your feelings and needs first, your husband won't

I think you are right - I do need someone to lean on and I can stay away from the flirty stuff - it has never been a feature of my relationship with B and he knows of my situation, as does several of my colleagues as I recognized the need for support. Posting here has really helped as I haven't had anyone to talk to about the situation. Weird as it may seem, this space has the advantage of anonymity which in non-cyberland hasn't.
I know, for example, when B moves out it will be food for the gossip machinery and I will be told of his 'news' by others (B has already told a couple of senior colleagues of his situation).
I will keep posting - many thanks for the comments so far - and if you ask me would I marry DP again? Let me think about that one ......

No - no children involved, mine are all grown up. DP has no children either (I think that been a deep problem for him). When we had the row a month or so ago I laid it on the line that if he was to rage at me again then I would go. He knows that I would do that as 5 years into our marriage I had a health problem that led to acute anxiety and some paranoia. He thought the way of dealing with me was to shout at me, pull myself together-type of stuff. I had counselling and that enabled me to make an exit plan. I left and stayed with my DD, for six months, at which point decisions had to be made. I returned on the grounds that we had couple counselling, which we had. Believe it or not I had to argue MORE, not less. Since the last row he is, despite being under the influence, aware and making an effort to not rage at me (he shouts at the radio instead).

Do keep posting, many of us here read threads and comment because we are trying to come to terms with other things in our lives. I for one find it a comfort when dilemmas gradually resolve themselves, it helps me to see that resolution is possible. I hate the bleak 'leave him/kick him out' responses as life and love is never so clear cut.

Thanks, NotSorted - as you say, things are never clear cut. I will update if anything changes

It's not clear cut, no, but often it's simpler than it seems to be. If you have no children living with you, then it really is something you have to weigh up on both sides. But I think that it is worth

The thing is that individual dilemmas can resolve themselves but if those dilemmas were symptoms of underlying issues, the issues aren't going to go away by themselves so easily. "Leave him" might seem bleak, but so is a life lived to someone else's tune. Everyone deserves a chance of happiness, learn to apply that to yourself rather than feeling that you are the only chance of happiness for your partner.

Bollocks, sorry - worth examining and evaluating your feelings in general as they may help you work out what it is you really want without the confusion of other things, like the hope of change.

An update: out from the left field - my XH has e-mailed me asking if we can met up for a coffee. He has just ended his relationship that he went into when we split up. We have always been amicable but after half an hours conversation I am reminded why we are not together.

The only plus side to all of this is that for a 'lady of a certain age', which I am, it does something for the self-esteem and I have discovered I have some residual hormones :), :)

A further update.... I have tried to avoid B this week and looked at DP through positive eyes.
I mean, I arrived home last pm and was greeted by the aroma of a home-made cottage pie cooking in the oven and tonight DP has lit the fire prior to my arrival. What more can I ask for, apart from a sober conversation?
My self-talk has been about it all being in my head and that I am conflating B's body language.
Today I wasn't expecting to see B but he turned up for a meeting and sat directly behind me, which was as near as he could have got other than sitting next to me but those seats were already filled. I didn't make eye contact and left the room quickly, only to cross paths with him 10 minutes later. He chatted to me about the meeting (a pattern I am recognising in him - work-focused conversation followed by something that is more personal). He came into my office and continued talking to my colleague. When he left I did return to the corridor with him and he said 'Isn't it your birthday soon?' (It is towards the end of this month) and I am amazed that he has remembered this, and the fact that I usually take time off on my b'day.
Can I really be just good friends? I need some songs to play in the car to keep my feet on the ground and my head as a 'sensible person', so any suggestions would be appreciated.