A few months back I found that H had been instant messaging a woman on Facebook that he knew from school days. At first I noticed she cropped up on posts quite a lot but thought it was just old friends catching up. Then saw exchanges on chat and these included pages and pages of kisses and "I love you" "I love you too" etc from both sides. I approached H and he said that some months earlier he had arranged to meet this woman while we were staying with his in-laws. He said that they kissed (but not French kissed) at the end of the meeting and acknowledged that they had "a moment". He also said that after this they discussed (presumably via chat) that they could do something about it but decided not to. She is married and also with children.
He said that they hadn't met again and had agreed to be friends. However, FB activity was quite frequent, including her posting on pictures of my kids and joining a page that I set up with H. When I raised objections to the content of the chat he said it was "two old friends being affectionate", he was drunk and it didn't mean anything. By the way, this is someone that I have never met or heard of in 15 years of being together. It hurt even more because the evening in question, he'd said to me to go and get something sexy on and he'd be through in a few minutes.
I had also found a till receipt for purchase of two cups of coffee on a day when H had got a lift with me to a meeting . I quite innocently asked him if he'd met up with someone (it was before I found out about the other stuff). He explained it by saying that there was a mix-up at the till. I later I found out that he had met up with another former school pal and had written her FB messages that were more innocent, but mentioning that her eyes looked stunning in a photo. There was another occasion when he shared a hotel room with a female friend and told me he was sharing with his male friend and that he felt he had to because I wouldn't have understood that she's just an old friend (I do think that's true, despite suspicions in the past).
He was extremely remorseful when I approached him about all this. He told me about the meeting and kiss voluntarily but swore that there is no more to know. I have told him that I don't believe that. He acknowledges that and that it will take time to build any trust in the relationship again.
Yesterday we were at a funeral of one of his relatives. Back at my in-laws house, where we were having refreshments, H made a beeline for his second cousin and talked to her for most of the event. I noticed that he was flirtatious (her partner was not present) but didn't worry as all were family etc. However, I went through and he was bending down, stroking her leg and when he saw me he said "oh no, there's [myname]". H claims that he does not remember saying that, although he remembers taking some interest in this lady's legs because they were talking about running (which was true, I had been involved in part of that conversation earlier in the evening).
H says that he loves me and we have a reasonable sex life. I am slimmer and more attractive now than when we met, something that he often compliments me on but he can also be quite hurtful as far as personal comments. He can be attentive and affectionate. We also share a sense of humour and have fun together still, particularly at home. H is charismatic and funny. He can also be quite negative, has a short fuse (but is never physically abusive) and very critical of others. He can be very rude to his parents and other people close to him too (but really nice to strangers...so odd) but we all put up with it and let him away with it as he's good at apologising. He would definitely not think that behaviour described above is acceptable for others. He often describes other men as being creeps and he reacts when I get comments made by my male Facebook friends, even if they are joint friends of ours, my brother in law etc and even though they have never been suggestive or flirtatious or anything. H is good with the children and loves them very much.
I work full time and commute quite a long distance. H was made redundant 10 years ago when I was on mat leave with child 2 and has not applied for, or had a job since. He is trying to become an artist and he has stayed at home with the children, 2nd of which has been at school for over 5 years now. I have tried to support him with the art, but although he has the skills and talent, I don't think he works hard enough to achieve success in this difficult field. He finds excuses not to work, spends a lot of time on the computer on FB etc, he often has illnesses like headaches or mild colds etc. He is taking anti-depressants. I have quite a good job, but still with just one salary, we don't have the lifestyle that, H, in particular, would like.
I told him this morning that I'd had enough. The thing with his cousin was hurtful but not the only problem. Strangely, this morning when he said how much he loves me it sounded truthful, unlike some of the other things "I'll change, we'll make a team again..." but I don't think I feel the same. I really don't want to hurt the children. I told H this that I think he takes advantage of the fact that he knows I don't want to leave the kids, or for him to have to leave them. We are good friends as well as partners but although I still like H, and still fancy him enough, in an ideal world I wouldn't want to be married to him now. I frequently fantasize about being single. I don't lack guts or motivation and I'm very independent. What's stopping me is that I but don't want to make a huge mistake as far as splitting up the children from either myself or their dad. I want to know what to do next. I don't know what to believe and I don't know what to do. What are my options? Thanks for reading this long post!