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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

but you always/never ...

32 replies

soggy14 · 29/09/2011 20:43

dh keeps saying this - eg "but you always work all weekend" (have had to for the last 2) "but you never put the key back" (I occasionally forget) etc. I don't mean occasionally - I mean that it is his normal way of referring to just about everything that I do It really annoys me but I cannot work out why. I've tried to talk to him about it but he says that it is "just words" etc. I can't work out why it bugs me so much but it seems (to me) to be indicative of some underlying problems - am I over reacting? the thing is that he acts upon it - ie I do somethign a coupe of times and then it is like that is it and he will make changes to plans, etc based on this assumption that I now "always/never" do such and such but usually if it is negative - ie once I have done something wrong (worked or lost key) I'm then doomed to always do it (in his mind).

OP posts:
cecilyparsley · 29/09/2011 20:55

Hi Soggy, 'just words' yeah right, he verbally attacks you and tries to prevent you from retaliating by denying that it mean anything, I'd say thats another version of 'only joking'
No I dont think you're over reacting...in those situations I usually ask for evidence, but I guess really thats taking the bait.
Perhaps you can get to the underlying thing thats bugging him? Or does he just like to have a go all the time and magnify everything that he feels isnt as it should be?

Kayano · 29/09/2011 21:05

Verbally attacks her?! FFs! No way.

I do this to DH and he does it to me
'you always forget your namebadge'... I've done it twice
You never do the dishes' er yes I do.

I do it to him to, some people just say it and it means nothing. I just said to him 'you are AlWAYs on world of warcraft' - he plays two nights a week and then on days I do stuff too.

I don't think means anything to some people but I wouldn't say it's abuse or a verbal attack! This is why I find this topic frustrating at times

Original poster
soggy14 · 29/09/2011 21:08

I have tried to ask for examples - he can usually quote one or two and then just states that "this is the way it is now" and so I feel unable to "go anywhere" - I guess that I feel that I'm being written off as unable to change/improve/move on etc but he can't seem to undrstand why it bothers me. He will say "you never put the key back". I say that it isn't "never" - he lists variosu occasions, often jokingly in a sort of puttign his arm around me and saying "come on you know you're useless at organisation" etc. If I continue to object I get "why are you always so prickly" etc.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 29/09/2011 21:09

once I have done something wrong (worked or lost key)

I have to ask, because it may be pertinent to his attitude, but why is it "wrong" for you to work at weekends??

Kayzr · 29/09/2011 21:10

I think lots of people do this. I say to DP all the time 'you never do X' or 'you always do Y' he also says it to me.

I'd never ever say it's any type of abuse, it's just the way some people talk I think.

squeakytoy · 29/09/2011 21:10

And he sounds a patronising twat actually.. Confused

Kayano · 29/09/2011 21:12

I still think it sounds like different personality and use of language just winding each other up.
I feel like I would react the same way if DH asked me for
Specific examples and I provided a few but then he continued to go on about it. I can imagine he would get an eye roll and a 'really? Chill out'

I do think if it bothers you so much he should try and stop but it seems to me just one of those things that people say?

thisishowifeel · 29/09/2011 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

cecilyparsley · 29/09/2011 21:19

yep, it's a headfuck tactic alright

Kayano · 29/09/2011 21:20

So I'm a ranked because I don't agree that it is a 'verbal attack' or 'abuse'? Angry

I don't se how you can call me a ranker just because I have a different opinion on a perticular thread? I would say that's more insulting than 'but you always forget to put the key back' tbh.

And I said he should try and stop if it
Bothers her that much.

Kayano · 29/09/2011 21:22

Autocorrect has changer wanker to ranker Blush apologies, but that was really nasty IMO

thisishowifeel · 29/09/2011 21:28

I didn't say that I thought it was a verbal attack or verbal abuse.

I SAID that believing that you know how someone else views the world is unhealthy.

Which strangely, is what you have just done.

Well there's a surprise.

Why didn't autocorrect address "pERticular"?

Kayzr · 29/09/2011 21:29

I'm not a wanker thanks very much.

People have different opinions on things. I personally think life is too short to worry about things like forgetting to put a key back. I never ever put the keys on the key hook and DP says that to me at least once a day when he can't find them. Doesn't bother me in the slightest. Doesn't make me a wanker thoughAngry

livingonthedge · 29/09/2011 21:31

I think that it depends - it could be two people just using language loosely or it could be undermining and abusive. I know where yo are coming from soggy - have had the same argument with myself. What I am beginning to think/feel is that it is his reaction to the "I don't always..." which matters. Does he accept that "okay he is exaggerating" or does he insist that you really do always/never ...?

Kayano · 29/09/2011 21:33

Thisis... I do not know why autocorrect does/ does not do what we like

But the fact remains you called 2 posters wankers for not instantly agreeing with an Op that something was meant to be upsetting.

I don't see how you can complain about people being undermined in one sentence and then totally dismiss other posters by calling them wankers Angry

buzzskillington · 29/09/2011 21:37

Dh says "oh you always.." to which I now always reply "I don't always do anything!"

And we always end up laughing about it.

If he tried to convince me like your bloke does to you, I'd not like it at all. Especially when he seems determined to convince you you're not good at things - that's not nice - that's not supportive - it does pop up a red flag to me.

thisishowifeel · 29/09/2011 21:38

I SAID that there appears to be an invasion of wankers...if you feel that this defines you...that's up to you. ;-)

thisishowifeel · 29/09/2011 21:39

I couldn't care less what your phone does...or was that the royal "we"?

cecilyparsley · 29/09/2011 21:40

just to clarify...when I put 'verbal attack' I was thinking more sniping & undermining rather than overtly attacking or abusive :)

Kayano · 29/09/2011 21:41

You made it pretty clear and for a thread on a topic that regularly condemns verbal abuse and general nastiness you should maybe not Wink at me but try to improve your attitude and manners. We are all here to offer opinions and advice and because we don't agree does not give you cause to name call.

cecilyparsley · 29/09/2011 21:56

Kanyo, I didnt ;) I :) ed and the :) wasnt even for you, neither did I call you a name.
Jeeze, this has all gone very infants playground.
I'm outta here....
Good luck op! :)

Kayano · 29/09/2011 21:58

Cecily that was not aimed at you but at Thisis... Who called us an 'invasion of wankers on MN'

I still can't believe it

babyhammock · 29/09/2011 22:37

Hmmm but this isn't a little game between OP and her DH where the banter is on an equal footing and therefore amusing.

He is very much undermining her and then minimising her feelings of being upset by it. My dad was like this and its not nice.

Then he acts on it too .... that's got to be really waring x

garlicslutty · 30/09/2011 00:07

I really don't want to attract even more contradiction to your thread, soggy, but I do want to validate your unease.

You wrote: I do something a couple of times and then it is like that is it and he will make changes to plans, etc based on this assumption that I now "always/never" do such and such

There is a sort of dysfunctional thinking that therapists call "eternity thinking". People who suffer from it do, as you describe, assume everything will always be the way it is today. It's incredibly limiting. I briefly went out with a bloke like this - he'd order my food for me (red rag to a bull, that!) based on what I'd said I liked last time we went out. We even had exactly the same sex each time. When I changed things, he'd go "Oh, so THAT'S what you like now?" as if I was wildly unpredictable and/or doing it to annoy him Confused

I have wondered if he had Asperger's but, no. I think he was just weird.

One consequence of being with someone like this is that you have to go through this ridiculous rigmarole every single bloody time you want to just do what you do. Hang your coat up differently: "Why have you hung it that way? You always do it this way!" - and he moves the coat. Make tea instead of coffee: "But you always have coffee in the morning!" No, not always. Today I'm having tea, look. "Oh, so now you like TEA in the morning?"
Gah.

CBT therapists love working with this kind of dysfunction. But first you have to get the person to the therapist, which means getting them to understand they're being weird. Not easy :(

I don't like this at all: he lists various occasions, often jokingly in a sort of putting his arm around me and saying "come on you know you're useless at organisation" etc

Telling you how crap you are IS abusive, especially when it's done all the time. As Hissy says, he's defining you and your reality. That really isn't on. Without knowing more, I can't guess at whether he's on a mission to undermine you or if he genuinely believes you're unreliable because, to his strange mind, you're unpredictable. Either way, it's a pig of a thing to live with. Deliberate or not, it does undermine you.

Have you tried just agreeing with him, then going on your merry way? Could you even do it, or do his constant rearrangements of your life make it impossible to ignore?

Has it been getting worse? I'm a bit worried that you may end up doing everything to an exact routine, like a little clockwork toy, just for a quiet life ...

garlicslutty · 30/09/2011 00:16

Sorry: thisis not Hissy.