but you always/never ...

[soggy14]

dh keeps saying this - eg "but you always work all weekend" (have had to for the last 2) "but you never put the key back" (I occasionally forget) etc. I don't mean occasionally - I mean that it is his normal way of referring to just about everything that I do It really annoys me but I cannot work out why. I've tried to talk to him about it but he says that it is "just words" etc. I can't work out why it bugs me so much but it seems (to me) to be indicative of some underlying problems - am I over reacting? the thing is that he acts upon it - ie I do somethign a coupe of times and then it is like that is it and he will make changes to plans, etc based on this assumption that I now "always/never" do such and such but usually if it is negative - ie once I have done something wrong (worked or lost key) I'm then doomed to always do it (in his mind).

Wow, so people are wankers for disagreeing hey? Genuinely unbelievable, where sinuous get off being so rude Thisis? Amazing.

Anyway, the always thing wouldn't bother me as it is an irritating turn of phrase. However the rest certainly would, it allows no room for normal human mistakes without them becoming some sort of pattern. (By mistake I mean keys not work!)

My partner and I have been through this, we were in bed one night and we started talking about what a shame it is that we can be so horrible to each other at times, we found that the first sign that we are going to get angry with each other is the infamous phrase "you always do this, you NEVER do that" Now we point this exaggeration out to each other before it comes to blows.
Good luck!

garlic I think that you are right - what you say makes sense. It has been gettign worse but I am not slipping into a routine - I've gone back to work and so life is changing pretty constantly at the moment as I and dh adjust and so I'm noticing it more (as things were pretty routine based before). I also think that my going back to work has made certain of teh less pleasant aspects of our relationship surface as I am not convinved that dh likes my working outside the home.
Nothtegruf I have tried pointing it out - it doesn't work as he will not agree at all that I do not always do such and such. He either jokes around the issue or gets cross.

This sort of thing is about labelling someone , its not on . Funnily enough they never assighn positive labels , ie , youve done the garden twice so now your a fantastic gardener , or you were a lot of fun on a particular social event so now your always fun . Its always negative . And if its said often enough you xan start to think to yourself , " Well , yes , i am a bit of a klutz , unreliable / forgetfull " , or whatever it is .

I would challenge this every single time . He doesnt get to tell you what you are when you know your not and then get you to agree with him .

I think there is a difference in saying it casually and how your DP is saying. I agree that at first reading saying "you always do that..." doesn't sound that bad to me and wouldn't upset me in the slightest but coupled with your DP's behaviour it does seem weird.
Me and DP always say stuff along those lines but its normally light hearted stuff and we have a bit of a laugh about it. Doesn't make anyone a wanker for not thinking the same though

To me it's how the sentence is delivered and in what tone/context.

So - 'You always lose the fucking keys FFS' yelled at you as the other person is trying to leave the house for an appt say, is out of order for sure.

But - 'You always lose the fucking keys you fucking (Insert name calling)' is verbal abuse in my book.

Say he called her a 'f**kin C@nt.' That's a personal attack, abuse.

By displaying frustration by saying something like the first sentence, is less so to me. Not that I'd accept either, he'd get a verbal slap up side his head, delivered in the nicest possible way.

I think that if it was a regular thing, daily, etc, then clearly he has issues with taking responsibility for himself. If he knows he'll need to keys, make sure they are there before the time to leave comes.

If not, if he continues to 'pick a fight' then there's more to it surely?

Does any of that make sense? I'm knackered!

My oh can be a bugger for this too. ' I always have to do the washing up'. 'you never get home from work when you say you will'

It's bloody annoying, my coping strategy is not to argue, but to pull him up firmly on it each time.

' fucking bullshit, I washed up this morning you drama queen' or ' too damn right, I cook, you wash up, I won't do both, what sort of fucking mug do you take me for' etc etc

It is slowly having an effect, he foes it s little less often, and is more prepared to admit he is wrong