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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I sent DH an email this morning explaining he had upset me,now I feel like a twat. I have over reacted haven't I :(

41 replies

Twattingcuntybollocks · 29/09/2011 11:12

I have name changed for this thread (although I prefer this name so might keep it Wink )

The DD's have been beasts this morning, DH was in a foul mood before work and had a go at me as there were no yogurts left for him to take to work.

I seethed silently until he left then sent him an email explaining that I was upset at the way he spoke to me this morning.

This is the email C&P;

Hiya Babe,

I am sorry to send you this while you are at work but I need to get it off my chest.

I was very upset at the way you spoke to me this morning over a yogurt of all things. I will go and get you some more later today if I get a chance.

I am struggling with the kids right now and you being angry with me over a yogurt does not help. The behavior of the girls is affecting my mental health right now and I am trying my hardest to stay on an even keel. On top of that not feeling well for the last few weeks has been hard for me.

I understand that you were annoyed at the way the girls were behaving this morning, it is not easy when they are mis-behaving but I would appreciate it if you wouldn't take it out on me as I do not take it out on you when I have had a full day of them mis-behaving with me.

I love you lots.

xxxx

I have completely lost the plot haven't I. He hasn't replied yet I don't know if he will Sad

FWIW, DH and I very, very rarely argue (just a couple of times in the 14 years we have been together) Our DD's are hard work right now (their ages and lack of a routine I think) We have introduced a routine and set some boundaries and they are behaving so much better already.

I keep swinging from well DH is a grown man if he wants yogurts then he needs to buy some more when he has finished them (I don't eat yogurts) to well he does work hard (out of the home and at home he gets stuck in with housework, childcare and cooking as much as I do) so I could walk to the shop to get him more. I honestly didn't realize he had run out, I suspect that DD1 may have helped herself to one instead of one of the ones we have in for both of the DD's.

Urgh I feel like such a prat.

OP posts:
Hassled · 29/09/2011 11:15

Your email sounds fine to me. Always better to actually talk, but I can see that sometimes it's easier to get things written down. And yes, him having a go at you over yoghurts while you're struggling with the kids is a bit much. Don't feel like a prat - hope he apologises soon.

mumsamilitant · 29/09/2011 11:18

Why do you feel like a prat? You're feeling a bit down after being ill etc. I think all you did was tell him how you felt. Nothing wrong in that.

madonnawhore · 29/09/2011 11:20

If he cares so much about yoghurts then he can bloody sort them out himself. Don't see why you have to be the yoghurt police in your house if you don't eat them yourself.

He's a grown up isn't he? And also, the DDs are his children too aren't they? Why on earth is it only your fault if they play up in the mornings? You are BOTH parents, no?

He's being a bit of a bellend.

I hope he replies with an apology.

pictish · 29/09/2011 11:21

You are not a prat.
He doesn't get to be angry at you over yogurt ffs. How old is he?

If he's that bothered about it, he knows where Tesco is doesn't he?

As for tellinh him you'll try and get some more today.....see above.

yummybunny · 29/09/2011 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumsamilitant · 29/09/2011 11:21

Thanks - to cheer you up. My email would probably have read "get your own damn yogurts in future" Wink

TipOfTheSlung · 29/09/2011 11:21

I think you sound remarkably nice

my version would have been

you really fucked me off this morning
if you want bloody yoghurts then go and get them yourself and fucking leave me out of it

mrspnut · 29/09/2011 11:22

I think you have done the right thing - an email gives him time to reflect on what you've said without immediately jumping to the defensive.

I hope he takes on board what you've said.

Pakdooik · 29/09/2011 11:22

Nothing at all wrong with youre e-mail except for the fact that you called him "Babe". This should be a capital offence Grin

CoraBear · 29/09/2011 11:25

Hi OP,

your email sounds really balanced and clear. I wouldn't feel like a prat if I were you. What was the alternative- have a massive argument over a yoghurt first thing in the morning? Put a sheet of paper on the fridge or notice board that everyone can write down what is running low and what needs to be bought.

He may work very hard in and out of the home, but you sound like you are very stressed at the moment. Maybe chalk it up to an over reaction on his part but don't feel bad.

Original poster
Twattingcuntybollocks · 29/09/2011 11:25

I think I feel like a prat because it has really upset me.
Not about the bloody yogurts but the way he spoke to me and huffed and fucking puffed like a toddler.
I understand he was annoyed because the girls were being hard bloody work this morning (TBH they haven't got better yet, and I am looking forward to getting DD1 to school this afternoon) but it is not my fault that they are mis-behaving.

I just hope I haven't blown it all out of proportion IYSWIM. I think he might focus on the yogurts and not the way he spoke to me so that it sounds pathetic that I am getting upset over a yogurt.

or maybe, just maybe he will see he was a twat and apologise to me for how he spoke to me.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 29/09/2011 11:25

Sounds fine to me. It's good to let him know you you're feeling, and if you find it easier to do that in writing at the moment then why not? Hopefully you can have a talk about it when he gets home.

I agree he was ridiculous to have a go at you over running out of yoghurts, it's not your fault, and anyway a grown man should be able to handle a minor disappointment like that without having a tantrum! But maybe you're both under some stress at the moment and the little things tend to get out of proportion?

mistlethrush · 29/09/2011 11:29

TCB - you say that you shouldn't have got upset about yoghurts - but you didn't. You got upset because DH treated you unreasonably when you were already having a hard time. It was he that got upset about the yoghurts and so made a mountain out of a molehill. He should have been concentrating on helping manage dds' behaviour, not adding to your angst.

Original poster
Twattingcuntybollocks · 29/09/2011 11:30

Awwwww thank you everyone, you have made me feel much better about it all now Smile

Grin
OP posts:
mumsamilitant · 29/09/2011 11:33

Well if he focuses on the yogurts (doing a swerve) tell him to stop being so childish and not to talk you in that manner again. Come on girl, get a bit tough!

bemybebe · 29/09/2011 11:33

My email would definitely read "get your own damn yogurts in future" (as in mumsa's post) Wink I would keep the "Babe" though

Pakdooik · 29/09/2011 11:33

TCB Love it

mumsamilitant · 29/09/2011 11:34

Yes, Twatting! that's the way to go!

notyummy · 29/09/2011 11:34

Email reads fine and is the kind of thing DH and I might send to each other when we have had 'words.' I think Coras suggestion about the whiteboard/list so you are both responsible for noting when you are running low is good - we do this (we both work) and it stops anyone getting ratty over this issue. Mostly. (Am choosing to forget DH's near breakdown last week over the lack of giant chocolate buttons and my helpful advice that 'you should have added it to the Tesco order yourself, you knob.')

We love each dearly really Grin.

franke · 29/09/2011 11:34

I think you've made it perfectly clear in your very reasonably worded email that this isn't about fucking yoghurts. I hope he gets it and apologises.

madonnawhore · 29/09/2011 11:36

Don't let him make it about yoghurts. It's not about that. It's about the fact that YOUR (as in both of your) children were playing up this morning and instead of stepping in and helping you out, he threw a paddy about some frigging desserts.

Which makes him the one who's made a big deal out of nothing. Not you.

3 kids for the price of 2 - lucky you!

RhinoKey · 29/09/2011 11:38

I think your email is fine - mine would have been much more aggressive, I would probably have told him to stick the yoghurts up his arse.

springlamb · 29/09/2011 11:40

I think it's a very nice email.
If DH and I had done this a little more over the past 25 years, ie offloaded the niggly bits rather than letting them stew and stew, we would be a lot better happier now.
Instead we let every small real or imagined slight fester until it affects every aspect of our life and can only end in a horrible huge row and then a silence-fest before normal service resumes and it all begins over again.
See wot I mean?

Original poster
Twattingcuntybollocks · 29/09/2011 11:44

TBH I wanted to tell him to fuck off and to stick the yogurts up his arse but thought I would be all adult like about it.
I had MN in my mind the whole time telling me to be calm and state my problem in a calm collected manner Grin
It was only after he had left that the MN staple came in to my head, I should have said to him, 'that sounded very rude, did you mean it to be?'
I think I should practice it as my Mn mantra.

OP posts:
UC · 29/09/2011 11:45

I too think your email is fine. And agree you aren't upset about a yoghurt but about being spoken to aggressively.

I sometimes send DP an email at work too, just as you have. Sometimes it works, as it gives him time to consider what I've said. Other times, he feels that I'm getting at him at work, when he should be working, and it actually makes the slight tension worse.

For my part, it doesn't always work because you send the mail, and then you spend all day waiting for a response, so that adds to the feeling of being upset! Sometimes I think it's better to just wait til he's home, kids are in bed, and you've eaten to just say something like "when you shout at me because there are no yoghurts I feel attacked and upset, please don't do that to me, especially in front of the children. Please let me know next time the yoghurts are running low, and I'll add them to the shopping list". Or "next time the yoghurts have run out, please stop at a shop on your way to work and buy one"!

Guessing he isn't normally like this from your post - so maybe he is also feeling stressed by your DDs' behaviour. If I were you, I'd probably (after the bit about not shouting at you) sit down with him and say that you think DDs' behaviour at the moment is affecting you both, and try and work out some strategies to deal with that - it may be the root cause of both your distress and his sharpness.

PS - you call your DH whatever you like. Babe, Darling, Honey, whatever you like, it's up to you!

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