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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH watches live internet porn - I don't know what to do

48 replies

nomorethefool · 28/09/2011 21:32

A brief history:

My husband is impotent, always has been, he sometimes manages ok, we use viagra and sex used to be ok on the whole. However he has been through great periods of not being interested atall. I thought it was part of the impotence.
Last feb I discovered he was having an online affair with a philapino woman. Pure fantasy he told me but he was sending her money regularly so it had got pretty serious. I know they had begun to talk on the phone but not sure what else. I was gutted, but had a young baby and accepted his appologies. We moved on.
August last year I discovered he was paying for internet porn, costing him alot of money. I found 3 bank statements, purely at random and the total cost was over a grand.

I have discovered he has used phone lines. We have just had our third baby, not planned but much loved, and moved house and he has started a new job, so ofcourse our sex life has been non exsistant for a good while, pregnancy and a good 6 months of his depression last year have taken their toll, however this move was our fresh start and I was starting to feel we were getting on and things were on the up.

I went away on saturday night and when I came back I was online on monday and checked his history. I found he was still logged on to a live internet porn website and his profile he listed himself as bisexual in an open marriage!!!!!!! Ther was even a photo of him lying on our bed with his cock out! I am so angry with him and feel he has trampled over any chance our marriage has and yet I am loathed to end it. we have 3 small children (all under 4) and so don't want to mess up their lives. We have just bought a new house in a new area (limited friends locally) Our smallest child is only 8 weeks old. Anyone else dealt with this within a marriag? I wish I had got out before kids but now they are here I feel as though I am trapped in this but also think I deserve better. Can't think straight. He says he wrote that he was bisexual because thats the only way couples will let you watch and thats what he is into. I am not into this. The thought of being sexual with him now makes me want to heave.

Anyone had this and stayed? Anyone had this with 3 small chidlren, new area and limited family (mum died 5 years ago) and parted? How was it? Whats the legal side if we seperate? Will I get benefits? More to the point will I cope?? Sad I have wonderful inlaws, traditional wonderful kind people this will devestate them if they find out. There is so much hurt to be spread if I leave this marriage. He says he loves me to bits and will be devestated if it ends but he just keeps on lying.

Thanks in advance x May not be online for 2 much longer, small baby = grab sleep when I can x

OP posts:
Original poster
nomorethefool · 28/09/2011 21:35

just re-read my post. My life sounds like a fucking Jeremy Kyle show Sad

OP posts:
bubblegumpop · 28/09/2011 21:36

He isn't impotent. He manages to get it up to make babies, and when you are suspecting.

In the closet? Maybe you just aren't his type. Hence not being to get it up as you have the wrong genitals. This would be a deal breaker for me.

Original poster
nomorethefool · 28/09/2011 21:41

We conceived our first 2 children by cup and syringe, he has only ever managed to finish the job inside iykwim about 8 times in our marriage. One of those was our new daughter, I just never ever thought I would have an accidental child with him. We had a big talk again last night and when he was denying being bisexual he found it hard to look at me until I mentioned it, then he did to make a point. It would make it easier if he was just gay.

OP posts:
Chrononaut · 28/09/2011 21:44

i dont have any advice for you im afraid :( but i want you to know that there are a few Mnetters on here who will be along later hopefully to give you some sound advice

hugs to you xxx

Alouiseg · 28/09/2011 21:44

You're his cover. His straight life. You give him respectability and a family.

What do you get out of it?

buzzskillington · 28/09/2011 21:51

I think if you stay in this relationship, you're just doomed to more of the same. You've caught him betraying your trust in big ways three times - how many more times do you want to go through this?

If you were to split, your dh would have to pay child support and maintenance. You can check what benefits you'd be entitled to at the 'entitled to' website - it calculates likely amounts for you. It won't do any harm to find out, perhaps also get legal advice (free half-hour with solicitor or chat with CAB), so you know where you stand. You don't necessarily need to follow through, but the knowledge will build your confidence and show him you're serious.

You could do this on your own, lots of women do, and while your children are small, it'll be easier for them to cope with a new reality and not remember any different later on. Their father would still be their father. Any effect on the in-laws is on him, not you.

Original poster
nomorethefool · 28/09/2011 21:55

Thanks Buzz, I will look at those sites, yes knowing I could cope might make it easier to make the break if I decide to. What the fuck do I say to people who ask why we are breaking up? I don'twant to fuck his whole life up, but equally I do not want any blame for this landed at my door as this is his doing not mine.

OP posts:
ToxicMoxie · 28/09/2011 22:02

I have not been in this exact situation, so you may feel free to disregard if I seem way off base.
You have to decide, the both of you, what you want. Have a good, solid sit down with him, no kids if possible. You say it would be easier if he were just gay, well, tell him that. The kids need him to be honest with himself and with you so that the two of you can make the best decisions you can. Whatever the answer is, your traditional sort of marriage is over. Here are some thoughts that occur to me:
Do you stay together, share costs, become roommates? Would this make you insane?
Do you legally divorce, split stuff up, manage kids have support order in place?
Do you just separate without the legal involvement and informally deal with support and kids?
Which of you has the larger income? (this may impact who pays what)
Can either of you afford the house alone? (best not to presume the other will pay)
Call his parents if they are wonderful and nice, have them come look after the kids while you talk, keep them in the loop. Just because they are his parents doesn?t mean they won?t be civil to you. Of course, it could go horribly wrong, but I?m guessing his sexual proclivities won?t win a lot of awards with them.

Good luck!

ToxicMoxie · 28/09/2011 22:03

tell people you grew apart...

Original poster
nomorethefool · 28/09/2011 22:07

Thanks Toxic
I have given up my 2 day a week job to move to this new area for our new start. I am a stay at home mum and had assumed that if he moves out he would have to pay the mortgage. If not the house would have to go. Maybe we should just seperate but informally and live together for the time being - we get on well as friends.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 22:11

I am just actually speechless

Why on earth have you had 3 kids with this absolute skank of a person ?

I don't even know where to start with how utterly wrong the idea of staying with a loser like this would be

Your poor children, having a father like that

He is a sexual incontinent, and he is going to bring you all down with him Sad

buzzskillington · 28/09/2011 22:12

He quite possibly would. Sometimes the resident parent gets to stay in the house until the youngest child leaves home/is 18 - at which point it's sold. Or you might sell up and split assets. You need legal & financial advice on this.

Original poster
nomorethefool · 28/09/2011 22:13

I am going to sleep now as my daughter is sleeping, will check in again later, for any advice to help me struggle to get some clarity, my head is spinning.

OP posts:
Quintessentialist · 28/09/2011 22:13

I agree with Anyfucker. Sad

He is not a good rolemodel. I really dont think you should stay living together as friends. The quicker you and him move apart, the better for the children.

I am sorry, he is just not a good father figure or rolemodel, and I would not trust such a skank with bringing up my precious children. Kick him the fuck out.

twotesttickles · 28/09/2011 22:15

Hmm. I don't think you can live together after you split and stay friends. You will always be hurt that he didn't want you anymore and he will always resent not being able to be 'himself'. That is, if he is gay.

But FWIW I have known someone in a very similar situation and she kicked him out and never looked back. Yes she had to move and yes her financial situation wasn't great but you know, she had her dignity and her independence and did a bloody great job without him.

And the kids did fine too. As interesting did her ex husband who eventually came out a year or so later and met a lovely chap who she ended up liking more than she ever did her husband.

But it doesn't sound like a marriage you are in. If you look closely at your marriage, is it what you expected or wanted when you went into it? And if you imagine yourself in your 70s will you be happy that this is the way your marriage went?

Original poster
nomorethefool · 28/09/2011 22:16

Sad AF I did not find out until the 2nd was one. number 3 was an accident. Things just keep coming out of the shadows, first the woman (I could and did get over that), then the porn, now the live shows, he keeps saying he will change that it is just curiosity but I now know it clearly isn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
nomorethefool · 28/09/2011 22:18

twotesttickles, exactly. I dont want to waste my life on someone who is such a twat. Its just so scary.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 22:19

No, it clearly isn't

he will bring you all down with his obsession

he spends family money on this shit ? First a random woman (was it really a female? ), then thousands on pay-per-view porn

FWIW, porn you have to pay for is usually of very graphic "quality" if I can tentatively use such a term

He may as well take the food from his children's mouths...

Original poster
nomorethefool · 28/09/2011 22:23

i do wonder what the hell else he could be hiding

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 22:24

There will be lots more. He will only admit what you can prove.

Are you still sleeping with him at all ?

I hate to say this love, but you need to get yourself an STI test ASAP

Original poster
nomorethefool · 28/09/2011 22:25

really must sleep now thanks so far for all advice. How do you do this? Never ended a relationship with children in the picture. Don't want to hurt them anymore than I have to.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/09/2011 22:27

Get some rest, love x

btw, if you end this facade of a relationship, you won't be the one hurting your children

this is down to him

Quintessentialist · 28/09/2011 22:28

By ending the relationship now you are preventing bigger hurt in the future.

pootros · 28/09/2011 22:31

Oh my God, what a nightmare. I think I would need a weekend away from him to think straight after getting some of the advice from professionals that people above advised, and another to talk to him again, without the kids. Maybe write questions down for him to answer so that emotions don't get in the way. A lot of explanations and apologies for lying... You must feel like the ground's fallen away. Well done for starting to get some advice.

FabbyChic · 28/09/2011 22:32

Why don't you leave him? He is obsessed and addicted there is no way out of this unless he seeks help.