DH watches live internet porn - I don't know what to do

[nomorethefool]

A brief history:

My husband is impotent, always has been, he sometimes manages ok, we use viagra and sex used to be ok on the whole. However he has been through great periods of not being interested atall. I thought it was part of the impotence.
Last feb I discovered he was having an online affair with a philapino woman. Pure fantasy he told me but he was sending her money regularly so it had got pretty serious. I know they had begun to talk on the phone but not sure what else. I was gutted, but had a young baby and accepted his appologies. We moved on.
August last year I discovered he was paying for internet porn, costing him alot of money. I found 3 bank statements, purely at random and the total cost was over a grand.

I have discovered he has used phone lines. We have just had our third baby, not planned but much loved, and moved house and he has started a new job, so ofcourse our sex life has been non exsistant for a good while, pregnancy and a good 6 months of his depression last year have taken their toll, however this move was our fresh start and I was starting to feel we were getting on and things were on the up.

I went away on saturday night and when I came back I was online on monday and checked his history. I found he was still logged on to a live internet porn website and his profile he listed himself as bisexual in an open marriage!!!!!!! Ther was even a photo of him lying on our bed with his cock out! I am so angry with him and feel he has trampled over any chance our marriage has and yet I am loathed to end it. we have 3 small children (all under 4) and so don't want to mess up their lives. We have just bought a new house in a new area (limited friends locally) Our smallest child is only 8 weeks old. Anyone else dealt with this within a marriag? I wish I had got out before kids but now they are here I feel as though I am trapped in this but also think I deserve better. Can't think straight. He says he wrote that he was bisexual because thats the only way couples will let you watch and thats what he is into. I am not into this. The thought of being sexual with him now makes me want to heave.

Anyone had this and stayed? Anyone had this with 3 small chidlren, new area and limited family (mum died 5 years ago) and parted? How was it? Whats the legal side if we seperate? Will I get benefits? More to the point will I cope?? I have wonderful inlaws, traditional wonderful kind people this will devestate them if they find out. There is so much hurt to be spread if I leave this marriage. He says he loves me to bits and will be devestated if it ends but he just keeps on lying.

Thanks in advance x May not be online for 2 much longer, small baby = grab sleep when I can x

You have three children, start putting money away he can clearly afford it, get yourself a rented house, housing benefit will pay the rent and council tax. You will get benefits and child tax credits, and he will have to maintain the children.

Please do not stay any more, he does not love you as a person, he loves the fact he can do what he wants when he wants. Impotent? More likely he is hooked on this internet shit and fantasy.

I really feel for you.

You have your children they will keep you alive, make you happy, mine did.

I don't think you really truly have much choice, he has forced your hand you should start to get some advice on going it alone, save some dignity because this loser will rob you of it eventually. He obviously has issues, and I think they go beyond what you can sort out as a couple. I'm so sorry that your going thought this but if you stay in this relationship then your choosing a miserable lie.

I've no direct experience but I'd change the locks. Tomorrow. And take the plug off the computer. You have your children and yourself to think of. He's a grown up. Let him look after himself. Good luck.

if you stumled across this shit with relative ease (I am assuming you are not a Miss Marple type) then it is only a matter of time before his compulsion spills over into your children's lives

stumbled

i hope that u can have an amicable separation...don't let the lawyers too much but find out what is a fair deal

apologies...i was presuming that u wanted to seaparte in some way but not necessarily the case...not tactful of me..sorry

Bear in mind that your 'wonderful' in laws are partly to blame for this horrible situation. Yes your H has behaved badly and selfishly but if he hadn't been brought up to believe that being gay was such a shameful thing that he is perfectly justified in using you as a disguise for his gayness, you would probably be happily married to a happily heterosexual man.

Do you think that you can talk to him and have him admit that he is gay or at least bisexual? Or is he so messed up that he would continue to deny any bisexual inclinations even if you caught him with another man's dick in his mouth? If you think he could be honest with you, then the two of you can probably work out an amicable separation or some sort of compromise (behaviour only becomes really compulsive when it has to be hidden from everyone). If you think he will either deny it or insist that there is something wrong with your sexuality then you need to sort out the practicalities of ending the relationship.
What you can't do (and nor can he) is press a magic button that will make him both straight and inclined towards sexual monogamy with you.

what ever the 'addiction' is, it is the owness of the addict and it is down to themselves to change if they can. In your shoes I would give deal breaker....'stop or get out' sadly it takes a huge sharp shock ie ending up homeless/nearly dead etc before an individual realises there problem...you sadly are feeding it (well he is using childrens money for food like OP said).

He will bring you down...he is with the money...do not allow him to any further...seek legal/financial advice asap....you cant help him he has to realise/seek help when he truely is ready. Maybe suggesting splitting maybe the deal breaker for him to want to change and stay as a family. Hope he sees the light!

What you can't do (and nor can he) is press a magic button that will make him both straight and inclined towards sexual monogamy with you.

yup, I think that particular horse has well and truly fucked off out the stable.

Haas he had any trips to Thailand etc ?

Agree with AF, can't add anything that hasn't been said by others, the marriage is dead IMO you have my sympathy

Remember that he is the one who is breaking up the family, has left the marriage, has broken his vows and is letting his children down - not you!

Good luck

"I think I deserve better" Damn right you do! Better than a man who is consistently betraying you.

This can't end well if you stay together. He is not bringing any value to the situation, further than taking the bins out or whatever, if he is spending the family money and cheating on you. Which he is!

Do you think your in-laws will be able to help you with your children?

What SGB said.

Nomorethefool - I was poleaxed by your post, what a horrific betrayal. He is clearly messed up about what he wants sexually and, God it sounds awful, there's a huge chance you aren't it...so sorry to be horribly blunt The good news is that you don't have to live with this. You are worried about your children - I split with my xH and my three are all absolutely fine. I have quizzed everyone around them, desperate to find some situation where I could tell him what a shit he was for doing this to his kids...and have found, thankfully, nothing! They are happy because I didn't tell them what an utter bastard he'd been and about the affairs etc. We told and showed them endlessly how much we loved them. And, irritatingly, I had to admit that just because he was a complete shit to me, he wasn't being one to them because breaking up our family has actually made us all happier. Leaving him could be a new start for a happier, fulfilled you. Is he a good, involved father? If so, then he will be looking after them from time to time and you can get on with going to the gym, or doing a course, basically preparing yourself for a new life.You will get benefits, you will get help. He will have to pay maintenance. My family all live hundreds of miles away and most of my friends were at the place where we both worked (I had to leave because it was his family's company), so I had to start again with friends, and having children is a brilliant ice-breaker to meet other ladies and form friendships. I just want to let you know that you don't have to be 'trapped' in this, honestly you don't, your children will pick up on your unhappiness eventually and that will affect them deeply. It doesn't matter to them what he's doing, as long as they know they have parents who love them totally and aren't sniping at each other, they will be far happier if you are getting on with life in a positive manner. Wouldn't you say the same to them if they had a similar situation in later life? Wouldn't you hate to see them unhappy as you are? That's what I told myself and it spurred me on. Three years down the line I look back at my struggle and realise it wasn't actually that bad... Good luck to you, sending happy thoughts for your future

spellcheck what a fab positive post

Hmm sorry for long paragraph, 'enter' button clearly not working properly, hope you can read my ramblings ok .

I'm back,
Thanks for all the kind words spellcheck that was an inspiring post thanks. You are right, I can rent a house and we can sell up and split. I know I want to stay in my new village and as long as he is involved and has the children I will be fine, I do most of the parenting as it is! I guess its the thought that I can never just go out ever again as I am the only adult in the house! I just always assumed I would be part of a team when it comes to child rearing
It is starting to feel real now, I have a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that just won't go away, I know there is worse to come. I have decided to tell my dad some of what is going on tonight, as I am going over to his to talk about my grans care (in a home, not doing so good - another issue). not sure how much to tell him or what he'll say, but I need some family back up and he is all i've got.

On the positive side my 8 week old daughter is cooing and smiling at me as I type If I ever thought someone was treating her like this I would tell her to run for the hills!

You'll go out again - you'll make friends and you'll babysit for each other .

It's a good idea to tell your dad, I hope he's understanding and supportive tonight.

Take strength from that beautiful baby .

This is so horrid and so close to home personally. I am a bit of a lurker but have just joined so I can respond.

I spent the best part of 8 years with somebody similar but not identical. He is not gay but traumatised by events in his life and struggles to be intimate but likes being on his own with a pile of porn. I discovered this shortly after we were married (we had a reasonable sex life initially but it petered out over the first year as he stopped making an effort). Things got worse after I had breast cancer - scars remind him of injured people oh and cellulite gives him flashbacks to decaying flesh (great for self esteem that one).

I stuck by him because I understood he was ill and loved him. He always refused to go for psychosexual counselling. He could/would not give up his beloved porn although he swore to me he had many times. I became a jealous wife stalking him to catch him out, it was almost like him having a mistress but easier for him because blokes just thought it was normal and I was being a typical prudish wife so helped him cover his tracks. I never cheated on him although I was tempted so lived in a marriage with sex happening 2-3 times a year always instigated by me, he of course was sexually satisfying himself so did not ever have to share my sense of frustration. He was jealous of anybody who showed a remotely sexual interest in me though; even though he didn't want me in that way it was clear he considered me "his" (which of course I was). I became more and more unhappy and resentful, ballooned in weight and kind of gave up.

Events have taken a happy turn for me and due to a number of different things; friends, work and an increasing drive to become independent plus the means to escape financially (I should clarify that to say that as by far the higher earner in our marriage that until very recently it was him that could not afford for me to leave him as he would have probably ended up homeless and jobless and despite everything I could not do that to him), I have finally found the courage to make the break. My circumstances are easier than yours as my children are grown up and not his but I would still urge you to dig deep and find the strength to get yourself out.

I live in a small community and have had some criticism for leaving (he is doing the poor bewildered "why" act and timing was terrible as his Dad has just fallen seriously ill so I have come out of it looking like a bee-ach). Even so I feel like I have just come out of prison. The thought of ever going back makes me want to cry. Until you get out you don't realise just how much damage a situation like this does to you. I can't even think of letting a bloke near me at the moment although I think that ice is melting slowly.

I am struggling to express just how great the sense of relief is to be "free". I am not a jealous person naturally and to know I do not have to feel like that anymore is amazing. Weight is dropping off and I am happy with a new found love of life. I cannot find the words to express just how much I think you should get out of this before it damages you and your self esteem any more than may already have happened. The lower you feel the harder it gets to leave and a whole chunk of your life can disappear before you know it. I know my view is biased and it may be possible your man can change but based on my experiences I would be very cautious and not be willing to give him too many chances.

I am soooo sorry for rambling. I really hope you find as happy a solution to this as is possible very soon.

I have one word for you Ehoneybadger

congratulations

nomorethefool

i was wondering - if you are still together and has anything changed?