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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really need to sort out our sex life, please help!

26 replies

mosschops30 · 28/09/2011 15:18

me and dh havent had sex for weeks.
Its not that i dont want it, or dont find him attractive because i do. Its just that when he initiates sex its like throwing a bucket of cold water over me. His repotoire consists of
Fancy a bit?
Any chance of a play?

You get the picture!

Thing is, we are not tactile at all, he kisses me goodbye in the morning but thats it. So theres nothing thst makes me feel close to him in that way IYKWIM.
i wish we could have a kiss, or cwtch without it leading to anything on a daily basis, because it might lead to sex more often.

Has anyone else had this in their relationship and found a solution? Any advice to get it right would be great thanks Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2011 15:34

Bump please

OP posts:
buzzskillington · 28/09/2011 15:43

Well, have you told him what you've told us? That you need more physical affection?

Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2011 15:51

I have in the past but he just says 'well you never show any either' which is true i suppose, but i feel like i cant without him thinking hes onto a winner, or having a grope in the kitchen!

OP posts:
buzzskillington · 28/09/2011 16:04

Could you agree to doing something like taking sex off the menu for a month, say, to take the pressure off to follow through?

Then both of you make efforts to be more affectionate in the meantime: cuddle in front of the telly, give a shoulder-massage in passing, that sort of thing, until it becomes more normal for you both to touch each other and be intimate, without it being about sex. Basically trying to relearn how you interact.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2011 16:10

Thats what i would like todo. I think dh would see it as an excuse for me to not have sex with him for a month!
Do you think a fortnight would work?

OP posts:
buzzskillington · 28/09/2011 16:24

Well, it would take the pressure off.

If you haven't had sex for weeks anyway, he hasn't much to lose by trying it, has he? Grin

Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2011 16:56

Thats true i might tell him that.
Its sad because in every other aspect things are lovely, we just neglect each other

OP posts:
Chrononaut · 28/09/2011 17:03

maybe just kiss and cuddle him more, if he then says "any chance of a play/fancy a bit?" just say "sure thing! but when you can come up with something a bit more alluring than 'fancy a bit?'"

peppapighastakenovermylife · 28/09/2011 17:08

Oh I could have written this post! He can't quite understand why when I am in the middle of doing something completely unerotic and he says 'do you want to have sex' I don't drop my clothes right there.

I have explained to him that if he was more affectionate with me - cuddling up on sofa, kissing me when he leaves the house, hug when I come in etc there would be naturally more opportunity for it.

But he doesnt see the point. He asked 'wheres the point in that if we dont have sex?' Hmm

Strangedays · 28/09/2011 18:50

This sounds very familiar. Do you feel as if you can't go nearf him for any physical contact as he will jump straight to sex?

Been there, done that.

Not v romantic but;

Get in the bath alone of an evening, read something saucy and start yourself off. Then shag him with you initiating it. Do this several nights running or 5 nights out of 7. THEN tell him what you've told us and work it out from there. Tell him what he has to do to 'woo' you and how you want cuddles without an 'agenda' sometimes.

Please don't let your situation go on without addressing it. It can have nasty consequences.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 28/09/2011 19:45

chronaut wheni say that he just gets all huffy and starts moaning that i use any excuse to get out of sex.

peppa you are absolutely spot on with your post

strangedays i wish i could but i cant just shag him without feeling any closeness, does that make sense

OP posts:
Chrononaut · 28/09/2011 19:49

alright, tell him you DO want sex, and thats the problem. if he went into a pub and said "fancy a play?" to a woman, he would get a slap in the face, why should his wife be any different. there is nothing sexy or attactive about that in the slightest

Strangedays · 28/09/2011 20:24

It's a vicious circle I think Mosschops. Sex helps with feeling close, which helps with sex, which helps with feeling close etc etc. You have to find a way to break back into the circle.

Just have a few glasses of wine, put the lights off, make him shut up and keep your eyes closed if you need to just to get back into it again. I found thinking of David Tennant helpful!!!

Then, if it doesn't work/ he won't meet you half way when you do get to the stage when you can discuss it, then at least you can say you've tried your best.

bigbongos · 28/09/2011 21:14

You could be me! Me and dh not done the deed for a yr! All about me not being turned on by lack of daily affection , and then i'm put off showing any as he sees this as green light to jump me, with almost no forplay :( I think peppa and Strangedays are right, you get ointo a viscious cycle and unless You just go for it and try to rekindle some intimacy you can become really detatched. Men dont tend to realise we women are a bit more sophisticated and need a bit of wooing, require more effort basically! I have told hd endlessly that if he made more effort ie didnt fart as soon as he got into bed etc i might be more receptive. He cant be arsed basically! Would rather watch porn than make a bit of effort to be intimate. sorry for not giving any advise...i would just try and keep the communication open and lighthearted and not blame x good luck!

kunahero · 28/09/2011 21:47

This sounds rather familiar. DW and I went through this a few yeas ago and we ended up at Relate for sexual counselling and that worked well for us.
They 'ban' sex for forseeable future and then get you to have weekly contact, massage, stroking with silk, cuddles etc but no sex! Slowly the contact becomes more erotic, getting closer to 'sexy bits' without actually touching etc then eventually after about 2-3 months you are allowed to dtd. We found it really helpful and the counselling helped us both see each others side of the problem and we are now much better and that was about 6-7 years ago.
Talk, talk, talk then when you think you have got it sorted, talk some more.
Good luck

Diggs · 29/09/2011 10:04

Chrononaut is right , if he said this to anyone else he would get a slap , and rightly so . Why do you deserve less respect than a stranger in a bar ?

Having experienced similar i wouldnt advise rewarding this lack of respect by shagging him , i actually dont think its about sex at all . Im not willing to accept that men just dont get it , of course they do .

When a man is knowingly doing things to put you off sex then moaning about it , something is going on . And its not good .

MumblingRagDoll · 29/09/2011 10:08

I have taught my DH that there's nothing wrong with a little grope but it wont lead to sex immediately.

I have also told him that hugs and kisses throughout the day will build up towards better sex as I get more interested.

So he's allowed a grope (which I enjoy too!) and I can go and instigate a hug without thinking he's going to try and jump me there and then.

givemeasec · 29/09/2011 20:20

Just wanted to say that I'm in the same boat (and have been here before!)! You guys are so right that it's a vicious circle! I think the only way to break it is to take the plunge at a time when you vaguely feel like getting down to business! As soon as you've done it, you'll feel closer to him and less on edge about not wanting to hug in case he thinks he's going to get lucky.
If you possibly can, just grit your teeth and do it - you'll feel better afterwards (and will hopefully be surprised by how much you enjoy it - I always wonder why I don't want to do it more often but being exhausted might have something to do with it!)
Good luck!

scaredykatt · 29/09/2011 22:43

Exactly the same here too. Problem is the age old one that men need sex to feel close, women need to feel close to have sex. Stalemate. The post about the Relate advice was interesting, but not sure DH would go for it. Anyone else got through this?

Diggs · 29/09/2011 22:52

Grit your teeth and do it ? No disrespect Giveme , but its not the 1920s and women shouldnt be having to grit their teeth in order to have sex with their husbands .

How about these men be expected to treat their wives with respect instead of a blow up toy whos there for their convenience ?

beachyhead · 29/09/2011 22:56

just say 'tonight is just for snogging!' Nothing like a bit of snogging to get you going again......

helpmabob · 29/09/2011 23:00

Strangedays what is a good saucy read? I like that idea

Strangedays · 30/09/2011 21:10

Jilly Cooper - saucy but decent storylines.

solidgoldbrass · 01/10/2011 12:10

Point out to him that sex and marriage are not just about his needs getting met. Tell him the things you would like him to do - give him a list of three things you would like, and get him to list three things he would like, and try doing these things for each other. But make sure he understands that you matter and your needs matter and it's not about him making a couple of grudging gestures then getting his cock out - he has to make an effort and you will do the same.

barkwithnobite · 01/10/2011 20:42

Buy handcuffs and a bottle of wine. Get drunk, and show him how enjoyable foreplay can be ;-)

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