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Original poster

Strange texts what do you think -is he gay?

38 replies

blossom123 · 28/09/2011 09:33

DP left his phone @ home and could not help myself but look @ the history. He called several people between 2 and 3.30 last night and there were several text's from a close friend ( man ) saying I love you, xxxxxx, "if I was not so fat, I would be there", Bizarre, "Love you loads""the sooner the better" WTF. Just a bit of history, DP is an alcoholic, still drinking, taking AD's but I thought things were getting better but he keeps having blips. I have also just had a call from another of his friends asking me what is going on, he called him @ 2.00, talking about self harming, this is just too much. I would like to know what other people think, am I being paranoid, is there something going on with this man? he is really unattractive (friend) he claims he is not gay but I really am not convinced. Things have been pretty bad for a couple of years, am I wrong to think this this might be the core of everything. May be he can not face up to his feelings. Sorry probably not making much sense but sitting here on my own and my head is spinning. We have been tog for 20 years by the way and have 2 DC.

OP posts:
ColdToast · 28/09/2011 09:38

Was the number definitely the friend's actual number? I'm just thinking of cases where a dp/dh/dw has saved a number under a different name to avoid suspicion. So a dh might have lots of calls from "Ben" but the actual number belongs to a Jane.

Original poster
blossom123 · 28/09/2011 09:42

No this is 100% from his friend, he is not married and no DP

OP posts:
slartybartfast · 28/09/2011 09:49

perhaps it was just the drink talking?

whether or not he is gay i think you have enough to contend with with his drinking and aDs. Sad

Original poster
blossom123 · 28/09/2011 10:12

I am beginning to thinkg that is why he depressed and drinking, there is something seriously wrong. I just want to hear what other people think, maybe I am losing the plot.

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 28/09/2011 10:17

Nothing in those messages screams "gay" at me (although anything is possible).

Do you think you need to find "the core" of his alcoholism and depression? Bottom line is that they are his issues to sort out, whether there is a skeleton in the cupboard or not.

Original poster
blossom123 · 28/09/2011 10:27

I agree you are right, he needs to sort out his "problem" I have come to realise that he is reponsible for his alcholism and him alone and I am not going enable him anymore, but just would explain things if this is the case, I just think it is very strange for a male friend lots of messages saying these these things and one just xxxxxxxxxxx is not right

OP posts:
MrGin · 28/09/2011 20:23

Men talking 'gay talk' is quite common form of 'jokey banter' in my experience. Don't ask me why. The same as women on MN offering < snogs > to each other.

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion he's gay personally from what you've layed out.

Fairenuff · 28/09/2011 20:30

blossom I am not suprised that you are confused by this. I would certainly not write off the idea that he is gay. Those texts messages are unusual if they really are from a man, imo. Also 2-3.30 at night is an odd time for friends to be texting each other. That said, I have no clue as to what you should do about it. Do you want this relationship at all?

PaigeTurner · 28/09/2011 20:35

Do you think fat is a typo for far?

Maybe his friend was trying to console him if he'd also had a call about self-harming? I don't think you can suggest he is gay from those texts alone, unless you have other suspicions?

Original poster
blossom123 · 29/09/2011 08:41

Paige yes far not FAT, LOL, I realised afterwards, though he is actually fat. Yes I know this man was trying to be supportive but it was the number of texts, also saw dp reply, said "love you too, sleep well tonite" it just seems a bit too intimate. Obviously this is not the only thing in our relationship that leads me to think this. Also no I am not sure I want this relationship, many years tog, house kids, you know the story. I have been pondering whether to make the decision whether I want to go alone for a long time. Trouble is DS2 has just started secondary schooled and really struggling to settle down, certainly does not need further drama in his life, poor lamb. IfI asked DP to leave now I think I would be totally selfish.

OP posts:
Bluebelle38 · 29/09/2011 08:56

I'm another one for definitely double check the number.
The texts from the friend do sound sexual to me. I went out with a guy years ago that was a very heavy drinker. I believe he was in denial about his sexuality - there were lots of red flags that I blindly (stupidly, looking back on it) ignored!

Original poster
blossom123 · 29/09/2011 09:23

Bluebell, absolutely 100% a man, in fact DP left his phone home yesterday and the person on question called a couple times, I picked up dp phone and he seemed miffed! Red flags?
I actually spoke to dp about this last night, he seemed uncomfortable, said he thinks he will cut contact with this person, it all seems weird.

OP posts:
PaigeTurner · 29/09/2011 09:24

Are you going to ask your DH about the texts?

FWIW I don't think asking him to leave is selfish if you are unhappy with his behaviour over a long while.

PaigeTurner · 29/09/2011 09:24

sorry x-post

ihatecbeebies · 29/09/2011 09:30

My DP often tells his male friends he loves them and they all reply with how much they love him, he says this to his female friends too, but they never mean anything sexual by it - they call it 'bro-love' and 'bro-mance', and meet up for 'mandates' Hmm it usually gets worse with the more alcohol that is involved!

Original poster
blossom123 · 29/09/2011 09:37

Paige, DS2 is very sensitive and if I kicked out DP now then it would send him into a tailspin. I know I deserve better, we do not have a proper sex life but when he is not on one of his benders we get on well. I am slowly detaching, this gay thing has been lurking in my mind for a while, I am sure in another attempted sexual episode a couple of weeks ago I think i blurted out "I think you are gay" probably not the best timing!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
blossom123 · 29/09/2011 09:39

Ihatebeebies, I have no problem freinds telling each other they love each other and know what you mean but this is a whole different level. did chuckle about the "mandates"

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 29/09/2011 09:40

Do you both still have sex with each other? My ex dh had low libido non existent but turns out he is very confused. I had to send an email for him from his account recently so he gave me his password. I did a snoop on sent emails and was Shock at what I found. Certainly explains a few things. Not that I care really as am very happy now with lovely dp. Dss are happier too. Hope you get your life sorted. I was so much happier when I left. Who knows maybe your

DS2 will be more settled if you're away from dp? I moved 30 miles away and dss go to different schools, couldn't be happier.

Original poster
blossom123 · 29/09/2011 09:54

Curious, goodness, how long were you with dh?

Sometimes we do have sex but tbh it is not good and err tbi he seems not to want straight sex iyswim!!!! It has not always been like this, something changed a couple of years ago, following that drinking got worse and depression. He tells me he loves me and fanices me like mad but talk is cheap. BUT on one of episodes, he say he just want to be friends, I should find someone else, he is not worthy of me, I deserve better. I feel torn. See DS he has just started a new school and he hates change, I really would be a selfish person to upset things now, it really would not be fair. Moving is not an option, house in my name.

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 29/09/2011 10:00

Blossom we were married 17 years. Are you using condoms? I would be if I were you. Oh ex used to say he fancied me etc... just we had to make time for it Hmm Loads of excuses. Makes me shudder to think of it now. He's minging tbh. I used to keep him clean and still bloody cut his hair! I'm a hairstylist and if I didn't do it he'd look like a mad professor. I only do it as dss get embarrassed.

My ds2 hates change too but they need to learn that life's like that. But sounds like you don't need to move anyway just to get your dh out (if it comes to that?)

Curiousmama · 29/09/2011 10:01

oh and on 1st post I meant your ds2 may be more settled now will!

Curiousmama · 29/09/2011 10:01

not of fgs I give up Grin

Original poster
blossom123 · 29/09/2011 10:17

Curious, blimey 17 years, we have been tog 20. re the condoms thing, tbh I don't actually think he has done anything, YET. I may be completely wrong about all this that why I wanted outside perspective.

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 29/09/2011 14:58

You'd never know they are amazing liars imo.

Fairenuff · 29/09/2011 17:37

I have to say a friend of mine was married for over 15 years when she found out her DH was gay. 3 children, home, holidays, planning for retirement together etc. She found out by accident when she discovered he had posted pictures of himself on gay internet sites. When he admitted he'd slept with men and then with her, she threw up everywhere.

Don't want to scare you blossom but if you think it's a possibilty you need to take care of your own health.