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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling under pressure

36 replies

checky · 16/12/2005 21:26

Advice anyone?

Our baby is 8 months old and I am just going back to work. My problem is that I am the main and nearly only breadwinner. We are not married and my partner is going to be staying at home and looking after little one for part of the week.. What happens if we split up? I would want to keeo the baby and employ a nanny but Will he get right sover our baby and will he get rights to my earnings, pension etc.
Am a little nervous that I dont have a clue about this ACtually I feel pretty stupid!

DOes anyone have any experience of this?

OP posts:

hercules · 16/12/2005 21:27

would you not want to share custody?

Original poster

checky · 16/12/2005 21:31

WOuld definitely want to share responsibility and access but would still want to live with the baby. I am worried because I am the earner that my boyfriend will be able to take earnings, some of the house etc as well as going for custody claiming he can look after hil full time by living with his parents

OP posts:

hercules · 16/12/2005 21:32

I have no idea of the law but I think women are entitled to a share so perhaps he would be. You need to let him know how you feel so he can secure himself financially.

Original poster

checky · 16/12/2005 21:36

Mmm I agree. I have tried to but he goes mad as he says he has nothing and im just trying to screw him and make sure that Im okay and he isnt . He is insecure about not working so I have to be a bit careful . I really dont want to hurt him but am nervous what the law might do. I have heard that as my earnings potential is greater then he would get a lot from me

OP posts:

hercules · 16/12/2005 21:40

You need to get proper advice as if he's looking after the child, it seems only fair he has entitlement. I have no idea of the law though.

Original poster

checky · 16/12/2005 21:41

Yes you are right. I will do that

OP posts:

hercules · 16/12/2005 21:42

I'm sure you'll get better advice from others here.

Kathlean · 16/12/2005 21:43

This is a tough one. Most people say the baby is better off staying with the mother. However if you are at work all day and a nanny is going to look after the baby perhap she would be better with her dad full time.

Especially if he is a full time, hands on dad.

Is his name on the birth certificate? If so after a certain date then fathers automatically get parental responsibility or is this not what you are talking about?

tribpot · 16/12/2005 21:45

My feeling is that as the primary care giver he would generally be awarded custody if it came to it. If it helps, I have similar misgivings about going back to work myself. I have absolutely no intention of splitting from my husband, but occasionally I do think 'what if?' - he is a SAHD but that's because he is chronically ill and cannot work. Frankly if we were ever to split, I would not be prepared to lose custody of ds, even though logically it should be awarded to him as the primary care giver.

Nightynight · 16/12/2005 22:12

But who is the primary care giver when they are both at home?

Original poster

checky · 16/12/2005 22:22

This is getting tricky...

I think I have cause for concern because altho he is not the only carer here he will be primary in the week. That said, I am employing a nanny one day a week and he is going to nursery 2 half days so the burden or joy is not all my partners. I am really scared that if we split he will pull tricks to get him . My partner will be able to live at home with his parents and claim he can be there for th ebaby and I cannot say that. BUT I can proviode for him and would work my ass off to ensure he gets quality time with me.

Hmm..

OP posts:

Original poster

checky · 16/12/2005 22:24

BTW his name is on the birth certificate. He is a good day and I would not deny him that, but I dont want to lose my baby nor lose what I have worked for over the past 10 years

OP posts:

hercules · 16/12/2005 22:26

I dont know what to say as it seems he deserves as much as a chance as you do.

There will be more posts here from more experienced mumsnetters. seems quiet at the moment.

hercules · 16/12/2005 22:35

bump

Original poster

checky · 16/12/2005 22:35

I agree he deserves access and rights, no problem. I am comcerned because I have to go out to work when I would rather stay at home but he wont earn the money. I dont therefor want to compomise losing my baby nor my security just because I am giving in and letting him stay at homw to look after J. I know it sounds harsh but I am really worried!!

OP posts:

hercules · 16/12/2005 22:36

I see where you are coming from now. If I were you I'd get some legal advice as soon as possible so you know where you stand. SOunds scary and a difficult one.

ImdreadinganAUTIExmas · 16/12/2005 22:51

If you are not married and he hasn't registered his paternal (???) something or other, then if you split he has zero rights- at least I thought that was how it works. Someone will be along to tell you soon.

ImdreadinganAUTIExmas · 16/12/2005 22:54

see here Looks as if the law changed recently- depends on whether he signed the birth certificate as well.

ImdreadinganAUTIExmas · 16/12/2005 22:55

whoops- didn't realise that was families need fathers (just clicked from google) - I know they're not very popular on here- sorry!

Nightynight · 16/12/2005 23:01

why are families need fathers not v popular on MN? have I missed something?

Nightynight · 16/12/2005 23:08

checky, I dont see that looking after your child for part of the week makes your dp the primary carer automatically. Eg who does bedtime, who cooks supper, who is the main carer at weekends? If you are genuinely worried that you are going to split up, then can you be a little sneaky, eg keep evidence of times when you look after your baby?

Maybe keep a diary, receipts, records of nights out, holidays etc.

It is not very nice to do this, but it is the only thing that I can think of. It sounds as though you are in an awkward situation, but I dont blame you for feeling a bit nervous. I imagine it would wreak havoc in your relationship if your dp suspected it though.
I am also the main breadwinner btw.

ImdreadinganAUTIExmas · 16/12/2005 23:57

Just start a thread asking everyone what they think of Bob Geldof Nightynight.

anniemac · 17/12/2005 01:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

chipkid · 17/12/2005 01:22

it is much more difficult these days to argue that I am the mother so I should have residence. The court will look at the status quo- ie who is the main carer for the child. Who goes out to work and who is the one staying at home with the children.
If there is no dispute as to paternity-parental rights are irrelevant. (a residence order automatically grants them anyway)

Nightynight · 17/12/2005 09:05

ha ha just read the thread you meant jimjams! Note that I am letting it lie (despite having strong views myself on this subj)

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