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Original poster

how long until the sadness, dreams etc start to fade post break-up

28 replies

takingbackmonday · 26/09/2011 17:19

I used to post under different names (mostly chubsasaurus) and received a lot of support when I broke up with DP of 2-3 years in June-July and had to move out of the house.

It hasn't really gotten easier. I still cry in the shower because there's nothing there to distract me. I dream about him most nights. He hates me and the back story is long and boring but I know there is no way back. I miss him horribly despite the huge personality flaws. I just want to know when this starts to hurt less. I've started antidepressants and have done usual things - haircut, holidays, shopping etc. I start PhD next week and am finding concentrating on anything so difficult. I just want a non-Xdp shaped light at the end of this.

OP posts:
mumof4sons · 26/09/2011 20:13

I just wanted to tell you that it does get easier with time. I know that from personal experience. It is early days for you. It has only been a couple of months. What you are experiencing now will make you so much stronger in the future.

I spent months grieving for the future I thought we had together - seeing the children go to university, children getting married, the grandchildren we would welcome to the world together. I spent months blaming myself for my marriage break-up even though I knew it was nothing to do with me and that he was just a selfish bastard who chose to have an affair and walk away from a family who loved him.

Let yourself grieve. Believe me, one day you will wake up and the future will look brighter. I now thank my exh for doing me a favour. I am now in charge of my life. My boys and I are closer than we have ever been. I lost 20 pounds and have started dating a great guy (on my terms). I have found me and life is good.

Good luck on the studies. You are wonderful and don't let anyone tell you different.

aliceliddell · 26/09/2011 20:17

in my experience of this, it's horribly painful until you fancy and/or snog someone else. that's what distracts you. will the phd involve any tuition? if it does it couldbe an opportunity to see someone regularly and nurture a torrid fantasy. you don't need to do anything about your lust for this to work. you won't always feel like this. it will wear off eventually.

lubeybooby · 26/09/2011 20:22

I'm nearly 6 months on now from the most horrible traumatic, cruel, impossible, painful break up ever. Over the months I've had bad days and good, and I've just noticed that I'm moving on, thinking of him less, and having more good days... even fun sometimes! It sort of slowly creeps up on you. You're doing everything right, just keep going and slowly you will get there

RabbitPie · 26/09/2011 20:27

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CarmenSternwood · 26/09/2011 20:28

Didn't see your earlier posts, so have no idea about the baclkstory. Sounds like it is still quite early break-up days if it was a lengthy, solid relationship. These things can take a long time to heal IME. I know that when my last serious long-term relationship ended, it probably took me a full year to recover fully, as I could mark the passage of time I spent without the person through the change of seasons. As soon as one year had passed, I no longer thought 'oh, last Spring we went to Scandanavia' or whatever. It sounds like you're doing all the right things to try and move on. The dreams also lasted a while for me too :(

Another important thing for me was not to give into the temptations of seeing the other person in extreme forms, either as some kind of untouchable saint or hero or as some kind of horrible villain. Obviously that's more difficult if you parted on very bad terms. I'm sure he doesn't hateyou. Maybe after you have both moved on properly, you will even become friends again. That's what happened eventually in my situation and i'm extremely happy because of it. I even found myself giving my exDP relationship advice the other night! Shock

Good luck with the PhD!! I'm sure once that starts you'll have plenty of other things on your mind!

Original poster
takingbackmonday · 27/09/2011 10:20

I made the massive error of texting him last night. He asked me to go for lunch with him in October when we're in the same city and to call him soon to talk. 10 steps backwards, cried all night. The phd is a bit of a sore point because he was actually one of my undergrad lecturers and so all my academic interests are linked to him. He is still on a pedestal and I don't know how to knock him off it.

Thanks for all your replies, it;s so bloody hard.

OP posts:
HappyFinnish · 27/09/2011 16:19

Try this (it's worked for me):

Picture yourself running along a high-up grassy piece of ground. Smell and feel it. That person and all that other stuff connected with him is way behind you, in a pit, and you're putting clean, bright air between you and all of it.

Hope this helps.

wanttobeabettermum · 27/09/2011 16:34

I am 4 weeks on from the end of a shorter relationship, but also have those feelings of grief and sadness. What has helped me is to break all contact, deleting all his numbers, emails, FB etc. If you really want it to be over thats the only way - in weak moments I write him letters and then burn them when I find my resolve again. For me, the only way forward is no contact. There can be no going back. Lots of luck x

mh85 · 27/09/2011 16:41

Don't meet him in October!!!!!!!!! Don't do it to yourself - it's been a month for me now and he keeps coming over but I'm so so angry I've put up a big barrier. Don't do itttttttt

notsorted · 27/09/2011 16:50

I feel for you. I too broke up with an abusive man in June. I still love the b, despite it all and the OW. Don't contact, don't see or at least not until you don't feel so desperate. I took steps back by going somewhere we used to go with the DCs. Keep posting and keep talking/writing whatever you want but not to him. Eventually all the pain will gather in a box that you can put away and think of when you choose rather than flying around like debris as it is now. I can write this but not practice it myself continually but writing it helps iyswim.

kallima · 27/09/2011 16:50

chubs - i read your previous threads. i feel your pain.

this pain you are feeling is important, it is trying to tell you something. please try and listen to it and get to know this pain, it's a part of you. if you keep pushing it away, finding a 'fix' (texting him), then it will never go. working through this pain will ultimately leave you stronger and happier in yourself.

unfortunately there is no easy path. xx

cecilyparsley · 27/09/2011 21:01

the contemptuous sneer that I occasionally glimpse before he had time to rearrange his face. Rabbitpie.
Wow, that rang true...those fleeting facial expressions that told you exactly what he really feels.
Of course you sort of ignore it, I mean he couldnt really be that mean could he?

Original poster
takingbackmonday · 27/09/2011 21:05

thanks kallima, I'm sure I'm boring people by now with them. I just feel so terribly sad, regretful and alone. I've just read the beautiful thread where people have text their DP/H saying i love you then written the responses, it set me off badly. It's been over 2 months since I've seen him and I so want to be as strong as I was a few weeks ago but I feel like hiding, crying and begging him to love me/stalking him and locking us both in a house. Obviously I will not do these things because they are bat-shit mental and I am not.

OP posts:
cecilyparsley · 27/09/2011 21:22

I know it's a cliche but give yourself time, and if you can, find things to distract yourself while the pain gradually eases
Inevitably a relationship break up will leave a gap in your life, leaving you with an empty lost feeling even if the other person did have huge personality flaws and you are better off without them.
It's crap and it's shiite but you will recover!!

SkinnedAlive · 27/09/2011 21:24

This will sound really pathetic and like I am a complete loon, but what helped me was to make a reward chart and mark every day and how I felt. So I could see that yes, 3 weeks ago I did cry every day, but I only cried once this week. And when I have a really good day with no tears I get a cat sticker Blush on my chart. It also means I can track what made a difference to those days that are good - whether it is spending more time with friends, going to the gym etc. It is just a kind of visual affirmation that things are getting better.

Don't meet him. Its like you have to start the seperation counter all over again :(

cecilyparsley · 27/09/2011 21:28

Doesnt sound at all pathetic Skinnedalive, measuring your progress is very good sense, that way you know that you've made progress and you know that you can and will get through it

kunahero · 27/09/2011 21:29

Hi, trust us, it will get better. There is no set time scale and everyone is different and we all recover at different speeds but you will get there and be a better, stronger person for it. Took me 18 months to recover from exdw having affair with a friend of mine but with the help of dr (ad's and CPN) and ex's family i got there and now I am such a different person to the one I was then.
You can and will do it, be gentle with yourself.
Good luc, be strong and try not to cry in the shower, thats the ultimate waste of water! :)

Original poster
takingbackmonday · 27/09/2011 21:32

skinned that sounds pretty clever.

He's texting me now. Wants to see me, wants to make it clear he has no bad feelings towards me, wants me to call him tonight. I've been having panic attacks all day. The thing is, we ended because I screwed it up - I loved him so much and because of my own issues had to sabotage. He is so close to perfect and I am mourning both him and the future/kids I still think we could have.

OP posts:
ike1 · 27/09/2011 22:11

Taking back.. if i remember rightly he was a bit of a commitment phobic, narcisistic twunt. Not perfect at all.

SkinnedAlive · 27/09/2011 22:18

I can see why your heart is breaking if he is still keen to be in contact with you and is now telling you he has no bad feelings :( :( Have you told him you need a while with no contact? I think you need to or you can never really move on.

Remember he is NOT perfect. You did speak about 'huge personality flaws' before. You certainly did not screw everything up alone - please don't blame yourself. Can you maybe go to your uni and see about therapy? If you are in the UK most uni's offer this type of service as part of their health facilities. It would almost certainly be quicker than the NHS and it could possibly help you in many ways. Ideally you could learn some techniques to help not think about him all of the time and also to deal with your panic attacks and the issues you have that you felt contributed to the relationship break up.

kallima · 27/09/2011 22:44

no. it didn't end because you sabotaged it. my take on it was he didn't like you going out and having a social life without him. he had been basking in your adoration and attention for so long that when you started having other interests, he punished you by taking what he knew you loved most away. which was him.

and now he's back. he needs you and you adoration more than you need him you know...

do you really want to go back to that fear that your relationship may end if you put a toe wrong? again?

Original poster
takingbackmonday · 28/09/2011 12:48

Yes you're not wrong kallima. Thing is, the summer is over and i miss him more than i care about the social life which is potentially unhealthy in itself. Adoration won't go away and you are right about the fear. I didn't call last night, his voice pushes me over the edge (weirdly so does everyone with the same regional accent at the moment).

I'm on anti-ds and having therapy soon. I just really miss him and want my old life back.

OP posts:
DariusVassell · 28/09/2011 13:21

I think I remember some of your old threads too and the unanimous conclusion was that this guy was an abusive, narcissistic twat. He abused his position as a lecturer, left his wife very suddenly for you and was only happy when you were the adoring puppy-dog, ever-ready for sex. Any time your focus was elsewhere, on perfectly normal pursuits for a young woman, he punished you and was cruel.

Wasn't there a later thread when you finally admitted that your family thought he was a wanker and that even the sex was not all that great? If so hold that thought!

You really need to push this nasty guy off his pedestal, because even if this relationship had been functional, you were always far too much in his thrall for it to be healthy. If he wants to meet you now, it's only because he's spent the summer shagging around and just hasn't found another Eliza Doolittle to manipulate long-term.

Original poster
takingbackmonday · 28/09/2011 16:28

I don't think I said that about sex, it wasn't, but yes that is true. I think I painted him badly because I was so upset. He really isn't bad, I miss him a lot.

OP posts:
fiventhree · 28/09/2011 16:50

I havnt read the back story, either.

I would say that you shouldnt meet him unless you want him back. My ex aupair who still lived with us and my daughter went through this, and it was like a revolving door several times for each of them before they finished for good.

It is really hard to rebuild a social life or to want a social life after an important love affair, but you need to do it, and it will get easier.

I spent a whole summer holiday in bed feeling sorry for myself after an important affair for me when I was 24, and also doing a phd. I went back to him three times over the next two years for short bursts, but it never worked out, he was neurotic and a womaniser.

Funnily enough, I heard only the other week- 26 years later- that he has been thrown out by his latest v long term partner after another affair. Some people never learn, they are charismatic but narcissistic and a pain in the ass to live with.

Cant imagine what I was thinking, now!

Hope it turns out like that for you.