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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure what i want anymore

30 replies

OTTMummA · 25/09/2011 19:09

Hello, I've been away from MN for a few months, have been busy at work and not had much time for anything, But i don't have friends to talk to about this, am just sounding off really..

Basically i have come to a point where i no longer enjoy spending time with my husband, i don't find him interesting, funny, sexy, attractive, nothing there.
It's got to the point where i am going to work early and staying later and later to avoid any time with him.
Yet when i think about not being with him i feel sad, ive even cried about it.
We do not have any common interests and tbh, i get more mental stimulation from work colleagues, its making me feel very depressed.
We have only one child together, and don't spend much time together as a threesome as i end up even more depresse, which sounds bad, but i can't help it.
Im currently living in fantasy land most of the time, dreaming of all the interesting things i could do, and places i could go.
I guess im a selfish wife and mother for wishing to be away from my life as it is, but daydreaming is pretty much my coping mechanism to get through the days.
I have tried to tell my husband that im not happy, today i told him i can't stand being around him anymore, and that i will be arranging to have my days off when he is at work, and to be working on his days off, later on i told him i just don't like him anymore, he never says anything except " what have i done now, etc, etc" even though i tell him all the things i hate, and why.
I just cooked a roast dinner and hated eating in the same room as him, the sound of him chomping and guzzling makes me feel sick.
I don't even know what i want to do, i just feel pathetic.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 25/09/2011 19:14

I can't help but feel sorry for your husband, to be honest.

I can't imagine someone telling me they don't like me and all the things they hate about me and that he couldn't stand me.

I think you should split up and let him find happiness elsewhere.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/09/2011 19:22

OTTMummA, I had a period in my life not unlike this; I was depressed. Could this be what is happening to you?

Original poster

OTTMummA · 25/09/2011 19:27

We had an honest talk about 18 months ago, we listed things about each other that put a strain on the relationship, i have made considerable changes to my behaviour, and my expectations, i have made sacrifices, and yet he hasn't made any effort, its like he never even heard me, and really, it wasn't a lot that he needed to do.
I don't shout at him, but i have to be honest with him, thats why i told him these things today, maybe im just hoping if i said it, whats in my head, he will get the picture of how im really feeling.
he just keeps shtum and sticks his head in the sand. i can't keep hoping he will listen and do something.

OP posts:

MangoMonster · 25/09/2011 19:28

I do feel for both you and your dh. It's unfair on him. Are you sure it's him that is driving you mad not something else?

MangoMonster · 25/09/2011 19:29

What do you want him to change?

Original poster

OTTMummA · 25/09/2011 19:32

I want to stay married, i want my marrige to work, but at the moment, its not enough for me to think i should stay tbh.
I get upset thinking about leaving, but i get even more distraught what i imagine living like this for the next 40 years! i feel trapped and desperate, sometimes i feel like i can't breath.

OP posts:

MangoMonster · 25/09/2011 19:34

I don't know your situation but I should think it happens to a lot of people sometimes. Marriage is hard. I know when I'm particularly down on my dp it's because I'm down about something else too.

TheOriginalFAB · 25/09/2011 19:39

What about a trial separation?

Original poster

OTTMummA · 25/09/2011 19:39

I want him to talk to me more, take an interest in our child, he doesn't understand children well, and we clash on parenting, i have more experience and have talked him through most of our childs key life changes, things to expect, whats normal etc, he is too harsh and almost mean in the way he deals with DC, i gave him a few books and offered to book parenting classes, but he hasn't even touched the books, still over reacts to normal child behaviour etc, i find that extremely depressing as i had an abusive childhood.

As i work a lot, he is the main carer most of the time, does drop offs and pick ups, and i have relaxed my behaviour around this, i do not interfer with his parenting in this time, i don't call him every hour etc as it was getting obsessive, but when we are all together, i can't relax because i feel like he is slightly ott and that this will badly effect our childs future relationships.
He isn't loving with our child, no cuddles unless prompted etc. it makes me sad.

OP posts:

Original poster

OTTMummA · 25/09/2011 19:41

I have already looked at flats around here FAB, i have an appointment with the CAB next week
I think it will probably go that way

OP posts:

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 25/09/2011 19:44

Can you give a couple of examples of his harshness and meaness in the way he deals with the dc, and how old is the dc?

Original poster

OTTMummA · 25/09/2011 19:50

child is under 5, just one example, dc slipped in the bath a few months ago, smashed the teeth and was bleeding badly, blood everywhere, i came home, opened the door, heard screaming, ran upstairs, and husband was right in childs face shouting, why can't you be careful you stupid,,,, husband started cleaning up blood and bathroom and i comforted my child, although i know without a doubt that if i hadn't come in then, the bathroom would of been cleaned first before our child would be looked at or comforted etc.
he has always been that way, with our child.

OP posts:

eicosapentaenoic · 25/09/2011 19:50

Hmm, I was just reading Mariella Frostrup on this. She was saying there are many different forms of marriage if we loosen up our expectations. Makes sense for my relationship (similar - we eat separately, ha). We are much happier with more separate lives, expectations, holidays etc, but still together, not just for DCs.

Original poster

OTTMummA · 25/09/2011 19:51

yet with me, he has always been very loving, very affectionate, but cold towards dc.

OP posts:

eicosapentaenoic · 25/09/2011 19:51

Not good with the child.

TheOriginalFAB · 25/09/2011 19:55

A child needs warmth and affection.

eicosapentaenoic · 25/09/2011 19:56

Have you had a good holiday recently? Sounds like everyone's working too hard, not enough happy times together.

CactusRash · 25/09/2011 20:12

Well if you are to the point that you can't stand nbeing in the same room than him, avoiding him by staying atw ork late etc... then I guess that it's more or less the end of the line.

I don't think saying you are harsh with him is of any help tbh. You obvioyulsy have being giving a lot in this relationship, have done some changes that he asked so it's not as if you haven't tried.

I thik the behavior towards his child is appauling. Unfortunatly my H can be like this and it is one of the thigs that have destroyed the love between us. There is also a clear impact on your child. I think you will have to take that into account in your decision.

The fact that he has done nothing in 18 months in speaking volumes. Has he shown in any other way that he actually cares abut this relationship, is willing to amke an effort to make it work? You need 2 persons to make a marriage work.

I don't think that saying you have being harsh is very helpful tbh. The fact that you don't love him is ... well a fact and if you've said it wo anger or through ressentment, I don't really see the problem with it. However, if this is really how you feel, I don't see any other way forward than divorcing.

As for crying and being overwhelmed by the idea of being separated, I think that's normal. You will have to go through a phase of mourning the relationship that could have been. And being on yur own can be scary. Even when you are the person instingating the separation.

CactusRash · 25/09/2011 20:16

he has always been very loving, very affectionate

He hasn't being affectionate and loving if he hasn't tried to listen to you and change things that are important for you.
Being loving means listening to yur partner, taking into account their wishes and changing some ways of doing things (whether it is child related or how to stack the dishwasher). And if you really don't think things should be done that way, it's explaining your pov and working out a solution together.
Not just carrying on how you were and ignoring the wished of your partner.

MangoMonster · 25/09/2011 20:22

I couldn't put up his his behaviour towards your dc. A break might be best.

Original poster

OTTMummA · 25/09/2011 20:36

i can't stop crying now, i feel so shit, thanks for the imput, im going to go to bed, have an incredibly early morning ahead, nite.

OP posts:

CactusRash · 25/09/2011 20:49

Things will get better.

eicosapentaenoic · 26/09/2011 13:38

OTT, Again, most of my long-term marriage friends have full lives outside the family and you sound this way inclined too, as if a bit of independence would do you good, eg follow those dreams in a solo cheap holiday/weekend with The Girls from Work. Makes the relationships workable. When you get back happy with a tan, you'd have a different perspective on all this. It's OK to holiday on your own BTW.

Re OH, the old rose-tinted glasses fall off after a few years and we overlook the chomping, wet towel on bed, not communicating, ignoring children etc as I hope he overlooks mine. Apparently, par for the course esp with DCs for a bloke to stick his head in the sand (just saw a GP about this re my depression/anxieties and she says blokes don't work like this, 'talking about feelings').

I'm hoping CAB will direct you to Relate. Seems like a good head-sort and pro/con list would fix this, even for you on your own. I think you still like the being-married set-up. Certainly makes childcare easier - does DS love his daddy? Just wondering if you'd be happier looking after DS yourself after school, OH doing the overtime, because there are issues, although he's not abusive unless there's stuff you're not telling us, just needs more bonding/practice. My OH would blame DC first for accident, he didn't realise at first they're little and he's supposed to be in the charge, esp when I'd been doing full-time childcare for first few years. They do learn.

Agree, depression and feeling a bit sorry for OH i told him i just don't like him anymore :(

CactusRash · 26/09/2011 13:47

Certainly makes childcare easier Arrrg. Would you stay in a marriage that is making you unhappy just because childcare is easier ?!?

I am not sorry for the OH. She told him the truth. It wasn't said to hurt him but because it is the reality. Good relationships are based on trust and communication. It starts by being able to tell your DP what is going on and what is upsetting you. Even if it is hurtful to hear. Because otherwise you can't improve things, change and make the relation better.

And abuse isn't the only reason why a woman is 'allowed' to get divorce. Not loving yur partner anymore is enough (and that's obvioulsy where the OP is atm)

eicosapentaenoic · 26/09/2011 13:57

Cactus, are you in a long-term relationship?

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