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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I find this quite hurtful but I wish I could just rise above it

40 replies

emkana · 16/12/2005 09:38

I was friends with a woman for several years who moved 120 miles away a couple of years ago. We still stayed in touch with cards and birthday and christmas presents for the children and we once visited them at their house and they came to us one weekend last year.
This year we haven't seen each other at all, even though I have made suggestions about meeting up half-way or something like that. These suggestions have been totally ignored.
I have now just received a christmas card, but no christmas presents for the children, which is fine, my children don't need more presents, but it feels like I have been now further "demoted". It says in the card "Look forward to seeing you in the new year", but that doesn't ring true at all.
I really like her and feel sad about this, even though I know it's just life I suppose. But there's nothing more I can do I suppose, I've tried to keep the friendship going but she's obviously not interested.

I've already bought some small presents for her kids, but luckily haven't posted them yet. Seems like a card will suffice...

OP posts:
Tinker · 16/12/2005 09:43

I doubt she's not interested, just that old cliche of life getting in the way. I have Christmas card friends, still would love to see them, just so difficult to really organise when living far away from each other. It does feel sad though, I agree.

sevensuzyswongsaswimming · 16/12/2005 09:46

rise above it, move on, chin up

tracyk · 16/12/2005 09:55

Keep in touch - you never know when you might move back nearer each other in years to come. I had a really good friend and moved down south. We kept in touch quite regularly - then I did something to 'upset' her - to this day I don't really know what it was. We still exchange cards and ocassional emails etc - but am hoping when I move back that we can pick up where we left off.
Life does get in the way of distance friendships - so I wouldn't take it personally. Also you don't know if she is has problems with her home/work/children that drains her energy.

FestiveFrex · 16/12/2005 10:05

To be honest, if you've already bought them, I'd send the presents anyway. It might just prompt her to look again at your friendship. I know what it's like to try to keep up with all friends and sometimes something has to give. She may have made new friends where she lives now and have to buy presents for their children and possibly feels that she can't afford to buy for everyone.

If she doesn't respond to your gifts, then I suppose you will have to accept that the friendship has moved on to the more casual stage of simply sending cards.

TheVillageIdiot · 16/12/2005 10:05

Keep in touch, send the presents even.

I have a friend who lives away, we used to buy presents for each other, then for each other and our kids, then she had another etc and this year I just bought for her children, it doesn't mean I love her any less - just can't afford to keep buying everyone presents. It doesn't reflect our friendship in anyway - I would try not to worry about it too much.

Life gets in the way and time passes quicker than we realise. Money's another thing and Christmas is an expensive time of year.

emkana · 16/12/2005 12:51

Should I really send the presents? I'm worried that she might find it a bit demonstrative (is that the word I'm looking for?) if I do that -
a la "You couldn't be bothered, but look how great I am sending presents to your children."

OP posts:
TheFish · 16/12/2005 12:52

i woudlnt
fgs zmas gets so £££

TheFish · 16/12/2005 12:53

i htink she is a realist
you need to draw the line somwhere
maybe hte realition hsip IS one sided
if i were feeling liek you do id ignore her for a while - shell come running

do NOT send presensts

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 16/12/2005 12:53

I probably wouldn't send the presents but would include a personal (handwritten!) letter of "news" and how you'd like to meet up in the new year.

Sadly this is what happens with a lot of friendships where one half moves away. It's always so much easier not to do anything.

TheFish · 16/12/2005 12:55

thats what you tell yourslef isnt it soup

emkana · 16/12/2005 12:57

Oh gawd am totally at a loss now what to do -
send presents
don't send presents - ignore
don't send presents - send handwritten letter

aargh

am leaning towards writing card with just very short message on it, because over the course of this year it's always been me who's sent the cards with news in it and written e/mails and stuff with no response really, and I'm getting fed up with it now really.

OP posts:
PruniStuffing · 16/12/2005 12:57

TBH I wouldn't send the presents, not for retaliation or any other bad reason, just that this is how the land lies and there's no need to upset things (further, possibly).

These small hurts are awful, I think, and the worst thing is one can never find out what has prompted them without making things a whole lot worse.

My friend has forgotten dd's birthday. Or not been arsed, I don't know. Lots of friends don't do presents for kids, too many kids around for a start, but Iknow her and I know she does and I know she values it, and I do it for her ds. So it really hurts to know she hasn't. But I guess there's no point in wondering why or trying to find out, because if things are dodgy in any way, they'll be worse after.

TheFish · 16/12/2005 12:58

ihave a cunning plan
sned nothing
and see if she notices
if so then she is a pal if not then bin her

PruniStuffing · 16/12/2005 12:59

Also with really good friends this sort of thing is entirely forgiveable and that becomes clear after about three minutes of meeting up again so maybe you should send a card, but work hard to arrange a meet-up. If that bombs, leave it.

mazzystar · 16/12/2005 13:00

long distance relationships are hard.

i think you are reading too much into the significance of presents or lack of them. if the presents are just tokens, I would send them anyway.

and if you really want to keep the friendship going, why not get in touch and make a definite specific invitation, vauge things never come off.

emkana · 16/12/2005 13:01

She doesn't know I'm pregnant yet, so I think I'll just send card with

To XXXX

Merry christmas

Love from emkana, Mr emkana, dd1, dd2 and bump (Due June 2006!!!)

So then if she cares a tiny bit she would get in touch to congratulate/enquire after health, wouldn't she?

OP posts:
emkana · 16/12/2005 13:03

The presents are just tiny, that's not the issue.

I did suggest quite specifically at the beginning of the summer holidays that we could meet up half-way during the holidays, maybe at a National Trust park or similar. She completely ignored that, didn't say yes or no or maybe.
Also last time we saw each other they spend the weekend here with us, this time last year.

So I feel the ball is in her court really, isn't it?

OP posts:
emkana · 16/12/2005 13:09

Go on, somebody tell me whether I should send a card like that.

(Weak indecisive pregnant person with terrible headcold here. sniff sniff)

OP posts:
fireflyfairy2 · 16/12/2005 13:13

Well, yes! I would send the card with that on it! Then she can email or whatever to say congrats.. I would if it was a real friend However if I got a card from an aquaintance with this on it, i'd just think "How nice" and wait for next years card enquire wether she had a boy or girl and what his/her name is... but then im antisocial so don't go with my answer

Verso · 16/12/2005 20:38

I would say it all depends on how close you were before and how hurt you are now. If you're really hurt and were previously very close, I would try to bring it up somehow rather than implying things by sending/not sending gifts etc. It's difficult having long-distance friendships at the best of times - loads more room for misunderstandings when you can't see someone's body language - and I think you need to be a bit more direct than you might be with someone you see regularly in order to find out what (if anything) is going on.

Just my four penn'orth! Hope you manage to get it sorted out either way.

flashingnose · 16/12/2005 20:55

I would send the card with the wording as you have described. I have been on the other side (friend moved away, always phoned and sent presents etc) and without wishing to sound harsh, I knew I couldn't maintain that level of friendship (I barely have time to catch up with anyone at the mo). I'm afraid I took the coward's way out and let her do it - I'm ashamed to admit that but how do you phrase it without sounding like a complete cow?

With other friends in similar situations, I've suggested not buying presents or we seem to have the same level of expectation as each other so the issue has never arisen but it's hard when you're out of step with someone and you realise that they place much higher value on the friendship than you do.

BTW, have also been on your side as well, so I know how painful it is .

foundintransleightion · 16/12/2005 21:21

At first I thought send the presents, but on reflection I just think send the card with your wording.
I know the apparent 'demotion' is painful but it's unlikely to be 'personal' IYSWIM.

triplets · 16/12/2005 22:31

Oh why is life such a bitch at times. I have just stopped crying after falling out big time with my neighbour who is also the childrens godmother. This is what happened. Two years ago when the first grandchild came to visit she borrowed one of my highchairs, I had to get it down from the loft, two days later put it back again, this happened three times in a year. Meanwhile I sold the other two for £8 each, they were in good condition. The next time she asked for the chair I said would she just like to buy it for £8. The very clear answer was "I only want to borrow it not buy it", so she has kept it ever since. 5 weeks ago a young Mum at school asked me if I could sell her some equipment, inc a highchair. So honestly not thinking it was a big deal I sent her a message very nicely, and said did she mind if I had it back as it was needed by a young mum, well 2 days later she stormed down my path, deposited it on the step and said, "theres your chair and you can see what a disgusting condition its in which of course is the condition I recd it in! She stormed off, I was so shocked I never said a word, that was 5 weeks ago tomorrow. She ignored us and the children, her husband came home from sea and he too has not spoken to us, not even to wave to the children when they saw him walk past the house. Anyway today my Mum told me that she had had a call from her wishing her a happy Christmas and told her that they were both coming here tonight to bring the children there presents as they are going away to Scotland tomorrow. So we said, oh well just give them a drink and not say anything. Well she turned up on her own just after we got in from school, handed me two bags and said they were the kids presents, I asked her to please come in and she said no she wouldn`t and that I had upset her more than she could say. So I said what on earth had I done, I only asked for something back that belonged to me, she said, how could you, you never considered my feelings, that I needed that chair for my grandchildren when they come down, (we are talking of no more 4/5 days in a year). So I was livid and said that 2 years ago when she borrowed it she was asked if she would like to buy it for £8 and I was told she only wanted to borrow it not buy it, she turned round to me and said "yes I do only want to borrow it!" So I then said so when you have no more need for it I would have got it back, in the meantime your salary is 3 times more than we have to live on, we have £17000 a year pension with three young kids, we had the chance to sell it and bring in a few pounds towards Christmas! She then said she had had lots of support over this, so I said I would like to know from whom, as, and this is very true, in the 12 years she has lived here she only has two friends, me and one of my friends she has got to know, to which she said, well thats because I choose my friends carefully. I then handed back the bags of presents and shut the door on her. The worst thing is the children were witness to it all, plus my endless tears after she had gone. Maybe I should have accepted their presents, but I just felt that she had no intention of wanting to make amends, she would have felt better by giving the kids their presents and then she would have continued to ignore me. What did I do that was so wrong and unreasonable? I am very upset by this, feel that its such an awful mess over something so trivial, feel sooooooooo angry that she has let me get myself sooooooooo upset and stressed, feel how could she do this to me when she knows how very sad and stressful our lives have been for the last 11 years since my beautiful Matthew died. Oh I feel so so tearful tonight when it started off such a happy day with the kids carol service and one of mine being awarded a cup at school. So sorry to have gone on and butted in on this thread, needed to get it all off my chest.

foundintransleightion · 16/12/2005 22:56

poor you triplets. FWIW your neighbour sounds totally unreasonable.

triplets · 16/12/2005 22:57

O I feel awful pouring all that out, better go to bed and get today over with.

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