How to deal with this information?

[CardyMow]

My mother finally admitted to me last night why I ended up in care at age 4yo. Her boyfriend raped me. I don't remember this - I just remember feeling scared when my mother went to work leaving me with him.

I assume that this is why Social Services refused to let me see my records - the only time they can do this is when they believe there is 'a risk of serious psychological harm'.

It explains a lot of my behaviours over the years, I feel. How do I go about getting my head around the fact that I was raped at 4yo? Apparently the bloke got put in prison - but as this was over 26 years ago, I am quite sure he will have been released by now. My mother is well known for witholding information until it suits HER to reveal it. She is also very narc.

Her response when I asked why she didn't think that this may have affected my behaviour - "Well how much do you think it upset ME, I haven't been able to talk about it until now". I mean - I am in shock. I only rang her because I was having difficulty dealing with my ASD teenager DD.

My head is in a spin. How can I NOT remember this? How come it was never given as a possible reason for my MH difficulties? What do I DO with this information? WHO the actual FUCK rapes a 4yo? It almost seems like this must have happened to someone else. I can't get my head around it. I keep looking at my own dc thinking HOW could my mother not have known? HOW could anyone do that to such an innocent child? HOW can I not remember? HOW has it taken her 26 years to tell me that this is the reason WHY I was taken off her? HOW do I actually begin to DEAL with this?

Okay, next week is going to be hard. Can you arrange lots of things to do with DC to try and keep your mind off it? And then hopefully talk to some RL people the week after. Keep talking here as much as you need to, too.

If you need to make a phone call to a free number, I'm sure most people wouldn't mind you using their house phone, if you can find a friend sensitive enough to agree to be out or go into another room and listen to loud music, and/or not to ask why you need to make the call. A mumsnetter perhaps if anyone is near you? Or if you do go to the GP it might be possible that they would have a spare room you could make the call from. Or it would be free from a payphone, even, if you can find one with any degree of privacy.

QueenOfWhatever - Thank you for your advice - I wish I did have the money to pay for psychotherapy - I need it!

Maristella - The only things that I have ever remembered about that time in my life are : My Duvet Cover, a particular toy on my windowsill that had it's own world that I could 'jump' into when I was looking at that toy, and an overwhelming 'scared' feeling. That's IT.

The thing is - if anything, it's not that I don't trust, more that I trust too much. Over and over again, long after sensible people would STOP trusting someone. I don't ever get 'angry' either - I get irritated by things, or frustrated, but I just don't get 'angry'. Almost like when other people would be angry, I seem to get 'calm resignation'. I'm just weird!

I'm trying to take my mind off it all by arranging things I should have started arranging weeks ago (Halloween party, DS2's birthday party). I'm going to toddle over to Chat before I go to bed, as I need some help sourcing cake decorations...

Hunty, I really dont know how to word this, and it is not something I want to google to find out how true it is, but I think you should be allowed full access to your records so that you can find out exactly what happened. I remember a thread on another forum many years ago, where a baby had been "raped", however "rape" is the technical term which is used and does not necessarily mean that the person has actually used his own anatomy if that makes sense. Sorry to be so vague, I am struggling with how to put this in a sensitive way, but I just wanted to say this as it may in some small way be of some help in what must be a horrific thing to be coming to terms with. Please feel free to report this post if it is in any way upsetting, I truly have no intention to further your distress at all.

Oh god, I should say, the thread I remember was a discussion about something that had happened.. not that it happened on the thread... sorry ..

I think someone else mention this organisation Hunty www.napac.org.uk/

They have a free phone number, Freephone Support Line 0800 085 3330

They can tell you if there are any resources for support in your area.

Wish you all the best, so sorry to hear that you have been failed by family, carers and services.

Erm, lets just say, from my mothers graphic description - I think it was rape in the full sense of the word - it also explains my, ahem, unusual dowstairs anatomy. Not something I wish to dwell on IYSWIM.

HuntyCat, I'm so sorry that happened to you. And that your mother's too self-obsessed to help you understand your feelings. A lot of people don't get that some mothers are incapable of 'mothering' their children, which has been apparent in some of your replies.

As you say, these discoveries have explained much about why you felt as you did and shown you that your fears were, in fact, rational. Psychotherapy (not counselling) should help you find a route to making sense of it all, and 'dealing' with it. You can get good therapy on the NHS - you usually get 13 sessions, and referrals are very slow due to budget pressures. (Always a good idea to cut the mental health budget when you put more of the population under stress )

Are you still with the GP who examined DD for you? Even if not, I reckon this is a good place to start when requesting a referral. You have now found out the reason for your - apparently barmy - fears for DD and this, in itself, is evidence that the trauma affects your daily life. You could start there and, if I may guess, find yourself making further connections as you talk.

Good luck with this. And some hugs.

Hunty - your trusting reactions and behaviours are similar to others who have been abused in childhood (me too). Please, please consider the therapy if you can bear to. x

That's an important point, BDSM. The first time a therapist mentioned "boundaries" to me, the concept was entirely new. Already in my mid-forties, it had never occurred to me that people have limits beyond which they won't let others go. It's all to do with a childhood that taught me my body was available for others ab/use and, indeed, my very existence depended on whether they had any use for me. I had a poor grasp of what was appropriate. It's like having been 'groomed'.

I have spent the last few years trying to establish those boundaries - i.e. not getting back with the bloke that liked to anally rape me when I had my period - he was poison for me. Like standing up for my beliefs with my EA Ex-P. Like putting boundaries in place RE contact for the dc with my EA Ex-P - not using my home to fall asleep in etc.

I DIDN'T have those boudaries - but I have been staedily tring to improve that over the past few years, I just don't want this information to derail the work I have managed to do so far. If that makes sense.

Hey, good for you :)

It's unlikely to derail the work you've already managed to do, I think, because you're aware of what you're doing and why. You may even find your new discoveries add missing pieces. You are likely to feel quite a few aftershocks, though and, if you've already got 'processing' methods in place (I write, some people paint, etc), may be able to use your feelings constructively.

It is definitely easier to do this stuff with expert guidance.

OMFG :(
I worked with a girl who requested access to her records at age 18. She had been abused as a baby by a family member and had never been told. I know it was different as she was still a current client and had a SW but a huge amount of work was done with her around sharing this information and supporting her through it. I believe there was concern that the LA could face legal consequences to this having been witheld from her and the priority was that she was informed as sensitively as possible.
I understand in a way why your LA refused to disclose it, but iMO they were wrong. Of course it would be irresponsible of them to just hand you the files and say 'see ya' but there should be someone whose job it is to manage this type of scenario - a SS service manager perhaps. Followed by a referral to the CMHT for therapy. It might be 'technically' outside of their remit but I feel sure that my LA would manage something like this this way rather than refuse to allow access. It's very poor practice.

No idea if that was helpful or not but something to consider. HUGS to you xxxxxxxxx

My heart goes out to you.

U have a right to see your records. I have done lots of work helping kids in care and careleavers accessing their records. Serious harm is a vague term, and cannot be used just to fob people off. Clearly u know what has happened and need to get the detail from what is written in case notes. I have challenged this several times. You may also be able to take legal action if local authority failed to protect you.

Hi Hunty - how are you coping with everything? I tried to post the day before yesterday but was on PAYG internet and it died just before I posted. :(

Hope you are managing to get on with stuff and your "new" knowledge isn't interfering too much with daily life.

I'm 'displacing' a little at the moment - RL stuff is there, needing to be done. I am currently trying to sort out my halloween party and DS2's birthday party. I am going to take stock next week, and decide what my 'next move' will be WRT this. I am pondering requesting acces to my SS files again - and this time not taking no for an answer. I'm sure they would have to provide some sort of counselling if I see my files - so that may be a good place to start? Maybe?

It would be a place to start, definitely - if they were sufficiently worried about the content that they wouldn't let you see it before then maybe they would have a system of support in place if you do - but then you already know the general content, so perhaps not. Definitely worth asking again though! You're not 18 any more so you'll be better able to insist on seeing them and not being fobbed off.

Might still be worth talking to Rape Crisis as well as they may have experience of dealing with refractory LAs. Not sure where you are - there are separate websites for the Scotland one and the England & Wales one.