How to deal with this information?

[CardyMow]

My mother finally admitted to me last night why I ended up in care at age 4yo. Her boyfriend raped me. I don't remember this - I just remember feeling scared when my mother went to work leaving me with him.

I assume that this is why Social Services refused to let me see my records - the only time they can do this is when they believe there is 'a risk of serious psychological harm'.

It explains a lot of my behaviours over the years, I feel. How do I go about getting my head around the fact that I was raped at 4yo? Apparently the bloke got put in prison - but as this was over 26 years ago, I am quite sure he will have been released by now. My mother is well known for witholding information until it suits HER to reveal it. She is also very narc.

Her response when I asked why she didn't think that this may have affected my behaviour - "Well how much do you think it upset ME, I haven't been able to talk about it until now". I mean - I am in shock. I only rang her because I was having difficulty dealing with my ASD teenager DD.

My head is in a spin. How can I NOT remember this? How come it was never given as a possible reason for my MH difficulties? What do I DO with this information? WHO the actual FUCK rapes a 4yo? It almost seems like this must have happened to someone else. I can't get my head around it. I keep looking at my own dc thinking HOW could my mother not have known? HOW could anyone do that to such an innocent child? HOW can I not remember? HOW has it taken her 26 years to tell me that this is the reason WHY I was taken off her? HOW do I actually begin to DEAL with this?

You say your mothers is narc. Is it possible this isnt true, or is not the full story? I would get try the official story, but only when ready.

I'm concerned about how this has been handled by social services. At some point in your childhood or early adulthood (whenever was appropriate) it should have been revealed to you that you were abused. People have a right to now their own histories so that they can better understand themselves.
I'm wondering if part of why they withheld the file from you (which I am not sure they can legally) was because they would be worried that you may sue because 1) they lied about your history 2) they placed you back in the family home where further abuse (albeit of a physical nature) took place.
You may feel numb at the moment but you have a right to feel pretty angry.

No - this is true - I can TELL when things haven't hapened the way she has said. This was too detailed, too real not to be true. I wish this was the case - but it certainly explains why SS and the GP both refused to let me have a copy of my OWN files due to the risk of 'severe psychological harm'. This was when I was 18yo, and trying to piece together 'missing' parts of my childhood IYSWIM.

Unfortunately, this makes too much sense in too many ways NOT to be true. Too many private details to go into on here, but it explains so many things. How would I get the official story when SS and GP have (legally) refused to let me read my own records? I looked into it back then, 12 years ago, when I requested, and the ONLY reason they can do that is 'severe risk of psychological harm'. And that hasn't changed in the intervening years, either.

So I have known for years that something bloody horrible happened to me as a child, but not WHAT, you know. Now I know.

No, in some cases, it IS legal to refuse access to your records - if SS believe that there is a 'serious risk of psychological harm' is the ONLY legal reason they can refuse.

Though I DO believe that some of it might be a 'cover your back' exercise, due to them placing me back into that environment. Though my mother was pretty convincing in 'acting' like she had changed. They also sent me back to live there after I ran away, spent the night in a field, and my mother didn't bother to phone anyone - it was a neighbour that reported me missing. And SS told me I HAD to go back there - at 14yo, you sort of do as the SW tells you. .

And the wanting to know about my childhood so I could move on was precisely WHY I had applied to see my SW records.

Hunty - if you now know the reason why they wouldn't let you see your records, you can probably ask to see them now and tell them that you know the "risk factor" and need to see the records to help you deal with it.

So sorry to read this - what a fucking awful thing to happen to anyone - and your mother - well! doesn't even cover what I feel about her behaviour. :(

PMing you as well.

I have never found counselling much help either, for the same reason you say - it seems to be a safe space to talk rather than actually helping with anything which is probably a massive relief for some people, but as I'm quite open and able to talk to friends etc, I find I spend ages explaining backstory and nothing ever gets more deeply explored.

I've been advised that if you are like this you might benefit more from psychotherapy, which you would probably have to pay for. But the benefit of this would be that you get more than the 6 sessions allocated by the NHS (I know they are constrained, but the 6 sessions policy is completely ridiculous. They wouldn't have a policy of only ever handing out 6 doses of any other kind of treatment.) Even aside from the 6 session policy, it's difficult because you don't necessarily get to choose who you have and I think that an important factor in counselling/therapy is that you get on with and respond well to your therapist.

If you start at www.bacp.co.uk/, and contact a few in your area, you might find some who are willing to work at a reduced cost if you are on a low income. I would definitely contact Rape Crisis as well. They would be able to put you in touch with a counsellor or therapist who is experienced in these issues, I don't know whether they have funded counsellors themselves, but you would be able to explore these options once you had made contact anyway.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. It must be such a shock to find out.

Hunty, I have no words.

I really didn't want to read and run but I can't offer any more advice than the excellent advice already given here.

I am so sorry for what happened and what you now know. Keep posting if you can, there are so many members here who will be able to assist you more than I could.

My heart goes out to you.

HuntyCat - I am going to send you a PM in a minute. Check your inbox.

I'm so sorry to hear what has happened to you, your childhood sounds truely horrific.

I would definitely ask for access to you records now that the "risk" has been revealed to you. It does not sound like your mother can be trusted to tell you the facts about your childhood so your records might be useful.

And another vote for proper psych. treatment and support rather than a few chats with a counsellor. If your circumstances mean you cannot afford to pay for this then have a google for a charity or practitioner near you that charges on an income related scale- I have referred employees to this one in London Bridge and I've had excellent reports back.

www.wpf.org.uk/talking-therapies/what-does-it-cost.aspx

Thank you for the links. Financially - at the moment, I have NO income - I am waiting for a claim of Income Support, as I have had to give up my lovely new job due to lack of SN childcare for DD. Am living off my Child Benefit until my IS and new TC claim come through. So waaay more than tight right now, and even when they do come through, things are going to be super-skint. Hopefully I can find someone that can help me for shirt buttons.

£45 for the introduction session, and £25 a session afterwards! That's 1/3 of my food money. By the looks of it, I'm going to have to try to get my head around this by myself - financially, paying for therapy is out of my league.

But where the bloody hell do I start?

Hunty

If it is any consolation, the fact that you have totally forgotten about this shows that it has not in fact traumatized you. Maybe you were too young to understand what was going on.

In any case, please don't now look back on everything wrong in your past or current life and conclude that they must have happened because of this one horrible thing that happened to you as a child. Many women have relationships with men who treat them horribly, and they haven't been raped as children. Many women have multiple miscarriages, and it is not because they have been raped as children.

What happened is horrific but it does not define you.

Very very for you.

I think without meaning to CoteDazur has been a little clumsy. The issue for Huntycat right now is that she is sure of nothing. There are no certainties in her life.

Hunty, there are places that will give therapy based on what you can afford to pay. Again, the british council of psychotherapists will put you in the right direction.

The first layer of the anger, shock and fury will be a fucker to get through. The fear of knowing as well cannot be an easy thing to look down the tunnel at. I think that if you have a narc mother, and your reality has been twisted and undermined for years, things kept secret, truths and half truths, it is very difficult to get a proper handle on what you actually feel and what has actually happened.

Please go to But we took you to stately homes" thread. It is a space for those who have had Narc mothers. You know, when I have had counselling, I found listening to my voice say things and wonder at the veracity of them. I knew if I said it in front of Her, she would argue black is white etc. Get your life back, but it will take a while and it won't be easy.

Excuse me?

CoteDAzur - The thing is, I HAVE felt that my childhood has caused me to make bad choices with men, to put up with far too much, there are things that I have accepted as part of a relationship that I feel may very well track back to this (without being more open than I want to on here).

I did know from the ageof 18yo, when I was refused access to my SW & GP records that something awful had happened to me, but not WHAT IYSWIM. It was something that I assumed I had put to the back of my mind for years - but now that I know WHAT it was - I have also realised that it has been affecting me, in more ways than I can even begin to explain.

There is SO much that this explains - that, being very personal and intimate in nature, I don't feel like discussing on an open forum.

Which sounds stupid, when put like that, given the fact that I am asking for advice on finding out that I was raped at 4yo - what is more 'intimate' than that? As you can see, it is still almost like it is not ME this happened to. But I mean I have intimacy problems NOW. Certain...acts...leave me in tears, or disgusted, have never had an orgasm. At all.

Took me years to stop getting paryletic whilst out and having one-night stands that left me feeling used (and often was far worse than that, got much better with that about 8 years ago - found some self respect, at about the same time as I dropped a lot of face-to-face contact with my mother).

when i read what cotedazur said i was thinking that she put into words what i was feeling but she said it better than i could. so i was hoping her post would give you some comfort in the long term. i do get what she is saying. to not allow what has happened to define you may help you to have a happier life. i dont mean right now. of course you have all of this to deal with, which is monumental for anyone. try not to think there is a right and wrong way to feel but allow yourself to feel about how however you want.

please do think about getting in touch with rape crisis and womens aid. this will be free and you can speak over the telephone if getting to appointments will be tricky for a while. both of those organisations will be able to help you liaise with police and/or ss if that is what you want to do in the future

i do feel so sad for you. i have a ds with asd and that in itself is hard enough. pm me if you think i can help or if you want me to search for numbers for womens aid and rape crisis for your particular area

Hunty dont put all the things in your life that you mention in the last couple of your postings down do you being raped. I had these problems too and I wasnt raped. I simply made a few bad judgements in life.

As for the orgasm, many women have never experienced an orgasm, especially during sex. Exploring your own body is the best way to find out what you do enjoy and may result in you having an orgasm on your own ... a guy doesnt always need to be present to enjoy this.

Can't do it on my own either. But that's by the by. I've made bad judgements, yes, but I feel that this issue, and others, in my childhood, led me for a long time to not be confident in my own worth. Just as I got rid of the last crap bloke (EA, am slowly moving on, am 4 months out of it now), this springs up from almost left-field to throw me just a little bit more.

Unfortunately, no phone calls are free from a mobile, and a mobile (with no credit on) is all I have. And next week is incredibly difficult due to 3 non-pupil days (why the Primary and Secondary can't have them on the same day is beyond me). The week after, I will try to speak to some RL people, and in the meantime, I am trying to work out what to DO with this information. Do I just 'file' it and try to forget about it? Do I try to explore my feelings about this? Will that affect me badly to the point where I can't cope with my (very stressful being an LP to 4 dc's, 2 (maybe 3) with SN, and my own disability) life? I can't get depressed again, as I can't take AD's in conjunction with my epilepsy meds.

Just want to say that I totally disagree that your forgetting it means you haven't been traumatised about it - absolutely the opposite is more likely! you were so traumatised that your body and brain shut down and refused to remember it, it has been locked away deep in your psyche, causing little vibes of nastiness to leak out and poison your life but you never knowing where it comes from - until now.

Rape Crisis is a good idea - they may well be able to advise you where you can find affordable (i.e. what you can afford to pay) therapy.

As for whether your relationship issues are down to the rape or not, who can tell? It's different for everyone - and it could easily have stemmed from the rape for you. You have known all along that something wasn't quite right but could never work out what - and now you know - that black shadow that has been over you all this time is now in the open. But you can get rid of it and I hope you find someone who is prepared to help you for what you can afford to pay them.

My advice would be to go to your GP and ask for help.

I had an awful child hood and feel I behave in a certain way because of things that have happened. No one will ever know if that is the reason or if I would have been like that anyway. No one can change what has happened in the past but you can learn to react differently to things that are happening now. I feel you need specialist help.

I, too, disagree about the 'not being traumatised because you forgot about it'. Sometimes the only way to cope with things is to suppress the conscious memory of it.

Sometimes, something much later will bring it all to the surface.

HuntyCat, very, very similar things have happened to me. Almost a relief that I'm not the only one!

I only started recalling my Dad's sexual abuse about two years ago and now have a much clearer recall of him raping and threatening to kill me from the ages of six to ten. Remembering has been a huge relief for me, I just know it's all true despite how fantastical and extreme it sounds to others. They way you describe it sounds similar.

I paid for my own psychotherapy for a year, which most importantly included EMDR which is an incredibly effective treatment for dealing with repressed traumatic memories. Counselling will not touch it. There are NICE guidelines that recommend this for PTSD which your GP should know about. If not, show then to her/him (I can help you with this). If there is no funding in your area, you can apply for what's called exceptional funding. If your GP doesn't support this, change GP.

I too have the narc, alcoholic mother. I now believe she did not know about my Dad's abuse. Not because he was necessarily good at hiding it, but because all she can see is herself it wouldn't have entered her realm of consciousness. The way you describe your Mum is word for word like mine. I've been no contact for 14 years and I've never regretted it.

PM me at any point, I absolutely get what you are going through. It will all be OK.

Hunty your thread is so shocking and devastating, I don't know where to start.

Keep talking to us on here if you feel it is all you can access right now. You've had the most horrific shock, and you need and deserve support. We'll do our best for you on here, promise x

Regarding your memory: when a child is extremely traumatised the brain goes through a process called Dissociation. Your mind at the time will have taken you away from what was happening to protect you as what happened would have been too much information to process at once.

With the consequences of your childhood on your adult life: of course it shaped you in so many ways :( Your ability to trust was probably damaged by the people who you should have been able to trust very early on, and that does affect adult relationships hugely. Please understand that the damage that was done cannot be repaired, it can, but you will need the support of a professional to do this. A psychologist that you work well with can lead you to a safe place emotionally and help you through this; think of it as unpicking badly applied dressings that prevent a wound from healing in order to let the wound heal, breathe and repair.

Please don't forget that while you have been let down so badly, you have survived ever such a lot, and will keep surviving. I suspect that at some point some anger, real anger will kick in, and it is totally justified; just don't let this anger harm you.

I'll be thinking of you xxx