Don't know what to do

[neepsntatties]

Dh and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 children 3 and 8 months. Whenever dh gets stressed he takes it out on me an can be quite nasty in the way he speaks to me. I have said that this is not ok but it still happens.

Recently we have both been busy, dh is building an extension to the house. I work 3 days a week, have just started teaching a class once a week trying to set up a small business, I also do a couple of exercise classes in the evening and have just registered on a part time post grad course.

The course runs over weekends and I need to go away once a month to do it. I am away on my registration weekend and dh called me to say everything needs to stop so he can get the extension done or it won't happen. I agrees to stop my classes and to do all drop off and picking up of the children from now on but dh wants me to not do the course either and I don't know what to do. I really want to do it and it is already paid for. My hours at work this year suit the course which might not happen next year and I started teaching my own sessions based on the knowledge that I would be in training again. If I insist on doing it without his support it will be awful, there will be a huge fuss everytime I go and dh says if he loses a weekend on the build then it's fucked and that I need to focus everything on that.

Last night he told me he couldn't stand me anymore and to just fuck off. I love him but things can't go on like this. I feel under huge pressure to make a decision to either push ahead with this course or try and defer if they will let me. I would be devastated to defer but am feeling like I have no choice. He feels I am not supporting him on the build and I feel he does not support my career, he often refers to what I do as a waste of time or calls it shitty.

I am getting the train home today and don't know what to do. Don't think he could even discuss it without getting unpleasant.

[bigkidsdidit]

hi Neeps

I can't believe people are intimating you are being selfish or that one weekend a month away from your children, doing something that will make all your lives better in teh future, is not 'putting them first'. What is putting them first, what does your mum mean? Staying with them every second now but having a lower income forever?

To me, that is not selfish. You doing this course is putting your family's future first.

[neepsntatties]

I have thought about it. I worry about what the kids pick up on. If i was on my own I would at least know where I was, I am scared that I would be stuck in the house all the time though. If we separated I don't think I could do the course for sure. I am scared of being on my own. But I don't want things as they are either.

[carlywurly]

Whatever else happens, don't let the course go. I say this as a single parent who used to be married to an entitled man and gave up my career for him for 6 years.

If you have any concerns you may separate, you'll be far better off if you have some means of income of your own. Plus the weekend away each month gives you some headspace to think about it all.

have counselling on your own if he won't go. They'lll help you iron out whether this is abusive behaviour or not. I didn't think XH was that bad at the time, but looking back he was an EA nightmare. Wishing you well.

[carlywurly]

You could do the course! I've done 4 different ones as a single parent. Don't forget your H will have a share of the weekends with the dc's if you're the resident parent. And I promise that being on your own is a picnic in comparison to living with an abusive twunt.

Not that I'm trying to lead you down this path. Just don't fear that it means the end of the world for you.

[neepsntatties]

He just sent a text saying sorry. This is what usually happens, he seems to sense when he's pushed me too far and back tracks. My night last night was successfully ruined though. I was staying with a friend and was meant to go out but was too caught up dealing with nasty texts and messages.

My brother has offered to help with the kids . Means dragging them on a train with me to the course but will allow me to not give it up.

Annoyed with my mother. She was an alcoholic when we were growing up so bit exactly putting her kids first,

[neepsntatties]

Still need to sort out the way he speaks to me/deals with stress. I am not sure how to address it though. I never want to mention it when things are calm as I don't want to risk another mood.

[HerHissyness]

Don't you DARE give up the course! Your H is not working. If he's so stressed, tell him to give up the extension, and get a JOB. He can then PAY for someone to finish it.

this to me is all about other people not wanting to see you thrive. Neither of them are being friends to you at all.

Don't accept his apology. It's all bollocks, He only kicked off to ruin your night with a friend. I've seen it ALL before. Nasty, abusive, jealous and miserable LITTLE 'man' can't bear to see his OH happy, successful, thriving, cos then it shows HIM up for the failure he thinks he is.

Your mum is not far off the same position either tbh. Your mother has her own guilt/failures to project here. she has her own interests in getting you to give up your dream. discount her totally.

so when it all calms down, even then you can't address this cos you are scared he'll kick off? GREAT, so he has you on eggshells when he's not kicking off, and positively crapping yourself when he is. This is a SHIT life to lead, I know cos I did it for the best part of 10 years.

TELL him you won't be spoken to like that, or he can LEAVE, and you will get your brother to finish the extension. TELL him that he needs to get himself a job, as he'll be needing to move out if he so much as raises an eyebrow in your direction. You are holding down the fort, running the kids about, and trying to better yourself. You put your life on hold while he got HIS education, and now it's YOUR turn, and it's NOT negotiable.

BE that strong.

[neepsntatties]

Thank you, I feel stronger about not giving up the course now.

You were right about the apology, he picked me up from the station and after a couple of jokey mentions of divorce he said that I was to 'get a grip'. I just said we'll talk later as ds was in the car.

He's now gone out so no chance to talk tonight.

You are so right about my mum, I do not want her life, I should know better than to call her for help.

I am glad I started this thread. Usually I have no one to talk to as my mother is useless and my dad has passed away. I don't have friends where I am.

I hope I can be strong about it, I find conflict very difficult and I end up feeling guilty about things. I think dh needs counselling actually but he would never do it. God I am so tired right now. Thank you for all your support on this thread.

[Shoni]

I think if he's not got a job and your trying to further your career with also juggling work and children then he's the one who's being selfish! I was clearly saying that which ever one of you had started there project first, should get to finish before the other started, if not then that person would be the selfish one! Not that YOU were selfish! Hopefully the other commenters will read it again carefully!
And why I said that he may not want your brother to help due to finances was because he may of felt obliged to pay him even though he's family! as I know we feel like that sometimes!!

[solidgoldbrass]

Your H needs a good kick up the cock, never mind counselling. He's expecting you to fund the family and provide full domestic services while he provides... oh... er... the presence of a Person who has a penis. Because as far as he's concerned, women can't function without a male owner, and the man in the house is the one who matters, so whatever the woman wants is ok unless it inconveniences the man.

[MysteriousHamster]

If the course is paid for, you have to do it. If your DH isn't working, there's really little he can (legitimately) complain about while you improve your qualifications to one day bring in more money.

No matter what else happens, please don't give up the course. If you did and the relationship broke down anyway you'd have lost all the money for it and the time invested in it so far.

No reasonable person would ask you to throw that money away in this situation.

[carantala]

So sorry for all that you are going through; hope that things improve.

Hate to ask this, but your story sounds so familiar to me. Do you get on together sexually? Sorry if you think that this question is a bit intrusive!

[neepsntatties]

I just tried to talk to him and it did not go well. He just said he was under pressure and angry with me for doing stuff that wasn't important right now. He pretty much ignored my comments about the way he speaks to me. He threw a few things at me about not cooking for him etc. He said this is who I am so if you want me gone just pack my bag,

It won't change I think. Every time he is stressed he will go back to telling me to shut my shitty mouth or whatever. We didn't even finish the conversation properly, he just went away for a shower.

What the hell do I do? I have no one to talk to here.

[neepsntatties]

Carantala, we do I think but we also don't have sex much right now. Partly because we are both exhausted and would rather sleep I think.

[gillyglops]

Your situation sounds horrible, and it's very unfair of your DH to be trying to manipulate and bully you into submission. I don't think you should give up the course, you're doing it for your whole family, but even if you weren't, why the hell shouldn't you be able to achieve your ambition, when your husband had that luxury?

I hope he'll stop and listen to you, before he does permanent damage to your relationship, although it doesn't sound as though he's very nice to you in general, tbh.

[neepsntatties]

He is. It's just how he deals with stress. I said I have no issue with him being stressed or being angry just with the way he deals with it. I don't want my kids to hear their mum bring told to fuck off or shut her mouth. I wish I had someone to talk about it to in rl. All my friends are miles away.

[HerHissyness]

He said take it or leave it and if you want me to go you have to pack his bag for him? can he not even do that himself?

If it weren't so sad, it'd be funny!

the course IS important. TO YOU. his education was important TO HIM and you supported him in that. Your course is paid for. You are doing it.

What IS important is that he gets a job. What is important is that he supports his wife, as she did him.

Remind him that if he did leave, you'd have more recourse for benefits, so not to tempt you...

Strategy going forward? Carry on as you are. Repeat to him that you will not accept him to be rude to you and that if he is unable to talk to you with respect then there will be consequences. This is not a polite request, this is your right. and yes, he can take THAT or leave it.

If he treated you with respect, he'd get it back. Why on earth would you cook for a cock that called you names and told you to shut your mouth and fuck off?

He's not working, why is HE not doing the entire SAHD cooking, cleaning and stuff? The extension is a nice to have. when there is not much money coming in, him hiding himself in a building project is not at all helpful.

stand your ground love.

DON'T QUIT THE COURSE!

[neepsntatties]

I am not giving it up for sure. I don't feel he heard me at all on the way he speaks to me issue I just got a list of why he's a good husband and why I am a crap wife.

The cooking thing is an on going source of tension. I can't cook and hate doing it but do prepare simple meals for us. However right now he eats with his brother and friend as they want to eat big meat based dishes. I don't eat meat so no idea how to cook it and don't feel comfortable dealing with it. They won't eat the sort of things I can cook so I just cook for me and the kids and they sort themselves out.

[snailoon]

I just want to add that your brother sounds absolutely wonderful.
Good luck with your course; you are100% right to stick with it.

[giagindi]

Hi neeps. I came across this article today about gaslighting which was written by a bloke but seems to be appropriate to how he is treating you. I don't know if it would help you if he read it but it might help you understand that you're not over reacting. Hold firm on the course; while it might be a bit more difficult to take your children with you so your brother can look after them, it removes all the challenges your H is throwing up - although sadly I think he will come up with more. Good luck, thinking of you!!

Thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/09/12/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-"crazy"/

[neepsntatties]

My brother has been a life saver in all of this. Thank god for him. Dh is now saying that he won't let him look after the kids and he will do it as they are his kids?! Damned if I do and damned if I don't. It is easier if I leave them but not if he is going to give me hassle before, during and after the weekend as a result.

[ShoutyHamster]

I think you need to start making noises about really thinking that you might indeed all be better off if his bags were packed, and yes, you're more than happy to pack one for him if that's too difficult for him to manage.

• You are the one keeping the family afloat - he doesn't seem able to appreciate this. Breadwinner, childcarer, training vs extension manager. Already not very balanced, is it?
  
• He has been supported and subsidised to do his course, but won't give you the same.
  
• Courses aren't all fun, they're for the benefit of the whole family for the future - he doesn't seem able to appreciate this. Or rather he can, but it's more important to him that you're all worse off as long as you get kept in your place.
  
• The extension isn't more important than all the above, so given the choice, you'll take a course, and a more secure future, and no extension, thanks.
  
• If he's not working, he CAN and SHOULD be able to manage and get the extension done while you are working and the children in school. Any other organised person would.
  
• The fact that he's turned down free help means it's not at all about the extension, it's about controlling you.
  
• The way he speaks to you is unacceptable.
  
• His deliberately trying to make everything even more difficult by 'refusing to allow' your brother to assist with the children says even more loudly that the real problem is that he is threatened and sulky about YOU doing something he doesn't want you to.
  

I'd be putting all those points to him and saying that you've had ENOUGH. He either changes, FAST, or you'll be talking to your nearest and dearest (your fab brother) about his abusive treatment of you AND THE KIDS, and with their support sorting out a life without him in it. In the meantime - the course ain't stopping, you can and will sort out childcare to your own satisfaction if he isnt willing to provide that support for you, and if he wants to talk to your brother about why he thinks he isn't fit to look after his neice and nephew, he can do it to his face. Oh, and be prepared for your brother to ask him why he thinks he can tell his sister to fuck off and shut her shitty mouth in front of her children.

He is an absolute twat. Keep on coming here for support, you will need a LOT of strength to either stand your ground until he learns not to treat you like crap, or to kick him out.

[ShoutyHamster]

Oh and tell him that next time you get a list of why you're a crap wife, you're going to do him a BIG favour and make sure he doesn't have to put up with that crap wife for one second longer! Won't that be kind of you?! (biiiiggg smile :) )

[solidgoldbrass]

Why don't you throw him out? His presence in the house is all negative, no positive - he's lazy, verbally abusive, selfish and an economic burden. And you are not interested in having sex with him (and he's unlikely to be sufficiently good at it for that to merit keeping him).