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Original poster

What a wanker

44 replies

Witherhills · 23/09/2011 21:57

seething
H has serious issues. Will explain, but right now I just need to rant

Comes in from work, has an absolute fit because he left his suit trousers over the back of the kitchen door and as the door gets closed a couple of times a day, I folded the trousers over the back if the chair neatly.
I did mean to take the suit upstairs but never got round to it

Stormed off upstairs with a sarcastic comment about my tennis. Hope tennis was good

Then DS was playing up, a bit, not much, and he can't deal with it, just shouts at him, then mutters and mumbles about how inefficient I am.
How he gets away with murder. Fuck off, you spend an hour at a time with him, you know nothing

We decided that while I am looking for a job, I should make as big an effort as possible to get fit and lose weight as we are trying to conceive.

He is sooo resentful of me staying at home while he works
He works unbelievable hours, but that's nothing to do with me, he's a workaholic and control freak.

He earns lots of money, I used to too. But it's so unequal now.
Deep down he resents it so much.
He honestly thinks I just sponge off him
What an I supposed to do? I am looking for a job, I want a job. I am now applying for jobs a fraction of my old salary, just so I will be working

I am so sick of this, I can't do anything right
I feel sick now, had 3 glasses of wine

I'm a good mother, our son so sweet and lovely but definitely a handful.

OP posts:
LeBOF · 23/09/2011 22:00

I'd stop trying to conceive, for a start. He does sound like a wanker, yes.

FabbyChic · 23/09/2011 22:05

Why are you trying to conceive if this is how it is when you are at home, and why look for a job when you could be pregnant when you start?

Madness.

Sort out your relationship before you consider having another child.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 23/09/2011 22:06

He is an angry controller who is nasty to you and to his child.

You realise he will not change unless he wants to, right? What incentive does he have to do that?

Fairenuff · 23/09/2011 22:10

Agreed LeBOF.

He should respect you as a woman, wife and mother, regardless of who earns what. Can you have a serious talk when you are both calm. Maybe tomorrow. Ask him exactly what he wants and tell him what you want. No accusing, sarcasm, shouting or swearing. Just talk. Then take it from there.

SingingTunelessly · 23/09/2011 22:11

Why on earth are you trying to conceive, look after your DS and look for another job at the same time? Especially with this man.

purplepidjinawoollytangle · 23/09/2011 22:12

He sounds like he hates his job and is taking it out on you, imo...

SirSugar · 23/09/2011 22:13

Don't understand why he can't take his own suit trousers upstairs.

You are his wife, not a skivvy and as for sponging off him, does he not wish to care for his family?

Personally I would bugger off for the weekend to a spa and leave him holding the fort.

Original poster
Witherhills · 23/09/2011 22:18

We've been trying to conceive for 3 years.
It's probably not going to happen, awaiting results of tests.
I only mentioned it to explain that it was a joint decision for me to be getting fit, yet he makes digs about me playing tennis while he is working

He has promised he is getting help and the outbursts have become less frequent, but there is only so much I can take
Help is therapy. And I am going to find some parenting group/class for him.
He swears he wants to be a better husband and father
Hes stressed or depressed or some behavioural problem. There is something very wrong

OP posts:
buzzskillington · 23/09/2011 22:18

You should stop ttc and decide what you and he actually want. If he can't cope with being the main breadwinner and wants you to contribute as much financially, then another baby isn't the way to go. And if he doesn't value what you do at home and with your child, then again, you seriously need to rethink ttc. Cos it isn't going to get any easier with another dc.

LeBOF · 23/09/2011 22:21

I know you only mentioned it for that reason, but it's pretty important, isn't it? As in, it's a crazy thing to be doing in these circumstances,

It all sounds very difficult for you Sad

But if he wants to be a better husband and father, he could just DO it, couldn't he, and stop acting like such a twat?

Original poster
Witherhills · 23/09/2011 22:26

We've talked and talked. He is reasonable 90% of the time.
But once he blows there is no reasoning with him. And then what he really feels comes out.

His job is a major issue.
He has zero time, seriously motivated.
He hates it but is addicted, can't give it up, and cannot stop thinking about it. He's exhausted I think, but this has been going on for so long, there is no end to it.
He is unbelievably smart. So intelligent, but no common sense or empathy,

I have also considered Aspergers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Witherhills · 23/09/2011 22:40

I feel like my blood is boiling
My face is really hot and my chest is tight, is that my blood pressure rising?
I need to calm down
I've left him snoring on the couch.

OP posts:
Original poster
Witherhills · 23/09/2011 22:44

He is never going to give up his job, he got offered another one earlier this year and turned it down. He had a new senior boss who is just as fired up as him, even more, so he's inspired by that.

I have a night out planned tomorrow with old friends, was going to stay at my parents, but now I'm thinking I should take DS with me

OP posts:
Original poster
Witherhills · 23/09/2011 22:44

Driven, that's the word

OP posts:
maras2 · 24/09/2011 00:59

Disrespectful rude pig.Those are the words.Double up on the contraception.Do not ttc.

Proudnscary · 24/09/2011 07:51

Get back to work asap, redress the balance - you might be amazed at the transformation in him and in you and maybe. It might well be largely the dynamic and balance that is wrong.
I am choosing to believe he's a good guy 90% of that the time which is why I'll say stick at this and change things - it's within your power.
Yes he's being a wanker and needs to change his job - give him an ultmatum on that one. Rightly or wrongly ('sponging' is an awful word) he might feel resentful that he is carrying so much stress and feels (wrongly) you have the easy part of the deal.

Shoni · 24/09/2011 09:28

Sounds like he's struggling and crying out at you for help! Yano that saying ‘you hurt those people closest to you’!! like my DH he sees me home all day and the house will be a tip with the kids but spotless clean! and he will make wee comments, But never goes on about money! Was it a joint decision to have another baby?

Fairenuff · 24/09/2011 09:42

He can't be that angry if he's sleeping peacefully on the sofa whilst you are monitoring your blood pressure. If that was my DH I would be having some severe words. He comes home, goes mad at you, then falls asleep Hmm. It doesn't sound like it really bothers him or he would be too agitated to sleep no matter how tired he is.

His work issues are his decision. He does not sound particularly intelligent to me. Selfish, yes, arrogant, bullying, patronising but definately not smart.

He's just treating you like this because he can. You've talked about it before. What was the conclusion. For me, it would be change your behaviour or pack your bags. Do not let him continue to treat you like this. If you keep accepting it, nothing will change.

Roxylox · 24/09/2011 09:55

Certainly sounds like he's behaving like a wanker OP Sad

Question is, is this because he is a wanker (wanker running through his bones, stick of rock stylee), or whether is so resentful/frustrated/knackered that he has given himself permission to make you the unfair target and take it out on you.

Neither is good, but if it is the latter, then there is the possibility of getting things back on track.

BTW, do not necessarily assume that going to sleep means he's not bothered - definitely a way of blocking things out, but can be just as much of a stress response as drinking too much/ agitation etc.

Original poster
Witherhills · 24/09/2011 14:49

Him falling asleep is pure exhaustion
had row at 6, and he was asleep when I came firm after putting DS to bed about 8.30.
This is after me cooking dinner, him sitting at the computer, shouting at DS, instead if getting up and dealing with him.telling me to stop him jumping in his mum.
We are eating dinner and DS making a nice picture and he wants the glue, so I'm trying to tell him that mummy is eating he will gave to wait 5 minutes, and he starts shouting do as you are told.

So he apologised this morning for being grumpy. Had to take DS out to his activity so not really talked about it
This is how pathetic he is, DS has swimming tomorrow, and I can't take him, he can't drive the car(long story, not banned!) won't take him on the bus, and tbh I just think the whole thing is such a nightmare for him that DS will have to miss it. He panicked when he saw the forecast was rain

I don't think I can deal with his stress much longer.

OP posts:
joblot · 24/09/2011 15:53

If you have loads of money tell.him to get a taxi. Try not to.give in to his bad moods, you need to look after yourself.

And have a conversation about division of labour and why he's resentful

HerHissyness · 24/09/2011 18:15

He has promised he is getting help - he needs to get on with it then!

Help is therapy. And I am going to find some parenting group/class for him. - WHY YOU? this is HIS problem, HE needs to find the right therapy/class for HIM.

He swears he wants to be a better husband and father - What's stopping him??? Hmm

Hes stressed or depressed or some behavioural problem. Most of us are stressed, that doesn't manifest in what you describe. These are EXCUSES. Stop allowing them.

There is something very wrong - too bloody right there is, he's treating you like a verbal and emotional punchbag.

He is reasonable 90% of the time. So far, but I bet that used to be 95%

But once he blows there is no reasoning with him. HIs behaviour is sounding more and more abusive.

And then what he really feels comes out. See above

He is sooo resentful of me staying at home while he works - You ARE WORKING! Raising his DC while HE is able to work. You could stop being a SAHM and go back to work FT and he could stay home... has he considered that? You are a TEAM, (supposedly) and he covers you in X while you take care of Y.

He works unbelievable hours, but that's nothing to do with me, he's a workaholic and control freak. Doesn't surprise me. Gets out of actually doihng any child care too I bet....

He earns lots of money, I used to too. But it's so unequal now. This is not about money, its about control. Even if you got a 6-figure salary now, he'd still expect YOU to do the housework, the child care, the school/nursery run, the doctor's appointments etc

Deep down he resents it so much. He honestly thinks I just sponge off him - YOU are working in the most important job there is, you can financially afford to do so, because of the work YOU put in earlier on.

I am so sick of this, I can't do anything right - see previous comment wrt to emotional/verbal abuse.

I feel sick now, had 3 glasses of wine - How long will it be until he accuses you of an alcohol problem? Hmm Grin seriously though, deal with the issue you have, which is HIM and his abysmal treatment of you. Don't medicate yourself with alcohol. I know it's easily done, but it really doesn't help.

Original poster
Witherhills · 25/09/2011 02:28

That's very harsh Hissy, but bit far off the mark at all
Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Witherhills · 25/09/2011 02:29

I meant not far off the mark!

OP posts:
Jux · 25/09/2011 02:59

Write down a complete list of all the things you and the hours you spend doing it. Then work out how much it would cost to have someone else do it - cleaning lady, baby sitter, liaison with family, diary keeper, accountant, etc. Then give him a fair copy. That way he'll know exactly how much you are saving him financially and should jolt him into the real world.

He gets home from work and, while you are still working, he has a nice rest on the sofa and catches 40 winks. You don't stop until at least after you have put your lo to bed, and probably not then.

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