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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What a wanker

44 replies

Witherhills · 23/09/2011 21:57

seething
H has serious issues. Will explain, but right now I just need to rant

Comes in from work, has an absolute fit because he left his suit trousers over the back of the kitchen door and as the door gets closed a couple of times a day, I folded the trousers over the back if the chair neatly.
I did mean to take the suit upstairs but never got round to it

Stormed off upstairs with a sarcastic comment about my tennis. Hope tennis was good

Then DS was playing up, a bit, not much, and he can't deal with it, just shouts at him, then mutters and mumbles about how inefficient I am.
How he gets away with murder. Fuck off, you spend an hour at a time with him, you know nothing

We decided that while I am looking for a job, I should make as big an effort as possible to get fit and lose weight as we are trying to conceive.

He is sooo resentful of me staying at home while he works
He works unbelievable hours, but that's nothing to do with me, he's a workaholic and control freak.

He earns lots of money, I used to too. But it's so unequal now.
Deep down he resents it so much.
He honestly thinks I just sponge off him
What an I supposed to do? I am looking for a job, I want a job. I am now applying for jobs a fraction of my old salary, just so I will be working

I am so sick of this, I can't do anything right
I feel sick now, had 3 glasses of wine

I'm a good mother, our son so sweet and lovely but definitely a handful.

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 25/09/2011 17:06

I have had pretty much all of those comments hurled at me. Yes I'm harsh. harsh on BULLIES!

i now have a very black and white view of this shit. Basically that HE has no right to terrorise you and you have a right to live in peace. If your happiness disturbs and upsets him so much, then the door is always there.

I wanted you to see how wrong his stance is, how unequal the balance, how easy that guy has got it, and on top of all that he treats you like a verbal punch bag? No, not something I will sit idly by and ignore.

See the situation for what it is and demand your rights.

You can do this love, you really can. You can demand and get equality in life. With or without him. That is up to him. Remember who you were, remind yourself of who you are! ((((HUGS))))

QueenofWhatever · 25/09/2011 18:10

Same applies to me as HerHissyness. it's all your fault and responsibility isn't it? If only you could be a bit more...something, always non-specific but he makes you feel like doing all this is never enough.

I would disagree with Jux's suggestion. Why should you be trying to convince him? I bet if you did, it wouldn't make a bit of difference and he would just end up using it against you.

I may sound harsh too, but I've been there. What a waste of seven years of my life, don't be like me.

HerHissyness · 25/09/2011 18:13

Jux makes a great suggestion.... for a normal man...

IMHO this guy is not normal, no amount of reasoning will achieve anything.

But by all means try it, it'll be as interesting an exercise for you to see as for him to totally and utterly discount.

I am a cynical old witch, I am working on it.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 25/09/2011 18:17

HerHissyness, you are wonderful.
OP, HH knows whereof she speaks. Please listen to her.

HerHissyness · 25/09/2011 18:23

oh thank you!

I'm a cynical old witch that wells up and blushes

Original poster

Witherhills · 25/09/2011 20:26

Thanks all
Had my night out last night, left ds with dh and mil, they were fine, didnt go to swimming though.
Since I gotback he has just whinged and moaned and lost his patience. I give up. I can hear him ranting downstairs now it's unbearable.
I feel like I haven't got an ounce of energy left to sort this out.
I am sick of saying the same things.
I was trying to explain to him before how children are , you know when something they want is completely unreasonable, DS wanted to move his table into another room to eat, dh wasn't even listening. He was too busy trying to rearrange something on the Internet. He was just saying why is he so naughty?

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 25/09/2011 20:36

So nothing is going to change then?

Original poster

Witherhills · 26/09/2011 07:46

I guess there's is a limit on how long I give him to change
I feel like we can't even talk at the moment because his mum is here visiting.
He doesn't have time for therapy appts. We have to wait 2 months to get results of fertility tests because he is away/busy/already booked

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 26/09/2011 08:24

He doesn't have time for therapy appts.

Witherhills he is clearly not making your relationship a priority in his life. If he has a therapy appointment, then that is already booked and he will need to work around it. He doesn't want to. It's not important to him. He is not going to change.

Only you can chose a limit. How long will you give him, a lifetime? Why even consider another child. He cannot cope with the one you've got and it will get worse if you are busy with a baby. Is that fair on your son.

Take the chance to talk while MIL is there. Ask her to babysit and tell him exactly what you want and need. No excuses. His work is ridiculous frankly. He is behaving like a single man who can make work a priority. He has choices. He is making his choices. This is not about money.

Jux · 26/09/2011 09:13

I stand by what I suggested, because I think it is an exercise that will benefit Witherhills, at least. She will see how valuable she is to him, whether he sees it or not. Of course, if he doesn't see it too, then that is an indication of how unreasonable he is. It would be interesting and revealing to see his reaction to it.

Witherhills, if you were to say to him that he will either make time for Relate (or some such) or he will have a divorce, what do you think he will do?

4aminsomniac · 26/09/2011 09:17

Just a thought OP. A long time ago I was married to a workaholic with zero tolerance of DC. He always went on about how much he wanted to be a good dad and father, so I gave him many chances. Eventually I started 'listening' to what he did instead of what he said. In the end its actions that count. Divorced 15 yrs ago, found a lovely husband whose actions match his words, can't believe I let first H pull the wool over my eyes for so long. Not suggesting you divorce necessarily, just tell him that for you its actions that count?

Original poster

Witherhills · 26/09/2011 09:38

I think I want a divorce, I can't try anymore
I am really down today, can't think straight. Have his mother here and she doesn't stop talking

OP posts:

Original poster

Witherhills · 26/09/2011 15:22

So, the I'm so busy husband, was going to come home early, but has now gone out for lunch with a friend.
Just sent me a message, saying "one more drink, then home"
he's going to have had a long lunch, and be tired and fall asleep on the couch
tosser

OP posts:

Jux · 26/09/2011 16:22

I think you need to tell him that if he won't go to Relate with you then you'll go for divorce. He needs serious talking to.

HerHissyness · 26/09/2011 18:02

Jux, i agree with you, it'd be really useful for Witherhills to see her value, in real terms.

Original poster

Witherhills · 26/09/2011 21:05

Bloody hell
So he takes the afternoon off work, goes out for 3 hour lunch with friend, not me
Comes in, wants to cook outside, fine but moans when DS wants to play outside. Why? He's going to ruin the lawn, he's going to lose his toys(he was doing a treasure hunt) he's going to hit the BBQ with the ball.
Stop moaning and appreciate a surprise warm summer evening in the garden, with your wife, mum and son, home early from work.
Then he moans about what time is ge going to bed, I want my wife back. DS did need an early night, so I come downstairs half an hour early and he is asleep on couch, as predicted.
So I wake him up and say nicely, are we going to watch something or do you want to go to bed.

Then he got stroppy cos downton abbey didn't record. Then I go through everything else on sky+, no, no, no. Then accuses me of giving out to him

I told him not to turn it round on me, and he really tried to.saying I was grumpy last week, and that made him grumpy,
Yeah, nothing to do with the fact that you went out for lunch, had too much to drink, fell asleep, then woke up like a bear with a sore head,
He's gone to bed now
He says we either go to a solicitor or a counsellor,
Fine, solicitor suits me

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 26/09/2011 21:43

Witherhills you do not sound in a good place at all . I would suggest the counselling if he is willing but it seems that he does not stick to his word so it might never happen. The important thing is that something has to change. You are clearly not happy and your son is probably being affected too. At the very least he has a poor relationship with his father.

You could have an initial interview with a solicitor, just to see where you stand. If you take control and do something constructive you will hopefully feel better about yourself.

FWIW if it were me I would not continue this relationship. Keep posting and ranting if it helps.

Original poster

Witherhills · 26/09/2011 22:27

I'm ok, he just gets me really worked up, I think I am sick of keeping it all in

OP posts:

Jux · 27/09/2011 16:15

If you are really at the end of the road, and don't think it worth seeing a counsellor, then take his other suggestion and go see a solicitor. You've been together how long?

What is likely to happen if you have the serious conversation when he's in an all right phase (you said further up that he was reasonable 90% of the time)?

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