Opinions please, bin him or reset my expectations?!

[bakewelladdiction]

This is my first post, be gentle with me please!

Am lone parent for last 3 years to truly adorable 6 year old son. His dad is in the picture and has him every other weekend, we don't communicate much.

I have been dating my current man for over a year, before that I knew him a friend for long time. We are both 34. He still lives with his mum!!! Not because he has to, but because he wants to, his brother also lives there.

It's all very strange. His mum is rather cold to me, example: "when are Op and her DS going as dinner is nearly ready" (we had to go and get some food at nearby restuarant as was dinner time and my boy was hungry and we live an hour away) My partner had invited us over on a sat afternoon, was about 3 when he arrived and she knew we were coming, have got loads of other similar examples but won't bore you with them!
My partner has always talked a good story, i.e. one day in the future we'll have a baby and live together etc, but this never seems to get any closer, and when I press him (Biological clock ticking and all!) he gets really stressed out with me and says the more I push the less the feels like doing it.
He is very nice to my boy, and generally nice to me, but hates any confrontation, talking about feelings etc.

Now I knew his ex fairly well and she put up with this exact behavior for 3 years, and finally binned him. I told him from the start I wanted another child and if he didn't then not get involved, he said he did and still does say that, but will not say when. He does not want to move in as he has it easy at home, he pays a very small amount and gets everything done for him, so why would he want to come here and have to pay half.

Am so sorry have rambled on. Do you think I should just give up and move on or do you think should keep trying?

I have allowed my son to get close to him

Bin him, he won't even leave his mums.

Oh and if a prospective man doesn't live up to your expectations, then he's not for you. Whoever you are with should enhance your life, not make you compromise it.

Oh dear, definitely bin! The incident of you and your son not being welcome to eat at his mother's and him doing nothing about it is horrible. He is not a man.

BIN HIM! Dear God, woman. Why would you put up with this? You could wait forever and he'd never get up and go for what he promised. It's the talk vs actions thing, wasted a year of my life on someone similar and took me ages to learn to tune out his waffle and look at his consistently 'can't-be-arsed' behaviour.

If you really want to leave him, let things get bad and wait til you're well and truly sick of him, then don't tell him your reasons and don't agree to discuss it so he can't win you round. Just say it's not working out and you won't change your mind. Otherwise if you want to be won round, he'll sense that and say whatever is required that he thinks will keep you there.
You might realistically have to go No Contact as well, so get your head around that possibility. I promise you that it gets easier with time. I am now seeing someone who most definitely can be arsed, and it's a world away from what I put up with. Never again!

DUmp him, and then sort yourself out. While this bloke doesn't sound like much fun, nor do you - desperate for a man, any man, and determined to steamroller any man you see into becoming your husband and new babyfather.
It is never, ever a good idea to keep pushing a reluctant individual to commit more deeply to a relationship with you. You will wear yourself out, never be able to rid yourself of the nagging doubt that you have only achieved this level of commitment by constant pressure, and sooner or later the other person will rebel and dump you.
Also, bear in mind that it's actually unethical to keep pushing and pushing for the relationship you want to have when the other person clearly wants no such thing. People are entitled not to want longterm commitment, or to have children. There are other men out there, leave this one alone.

Solidgoldbrass - no not desperate for any man, really choose this one, as thought knew him very well, and believed he would be right for me and my son, also have tried to finish many times, as per previous post....and unethical? I'm not his doctor!

I can see I need to sort myself out, give up on the baby thing being the major issue, as without that constant ache I am fulfilled in other areas. Job I enjoy, good friends, brilliant son. Could easily cope without this man, but have wasted a lot of time as Singout said, which is annoying and also he has always been kind to my son, so now he has to lose this man, which is me letting him down.
Hard times. Never any easy answers in life, just got to keep on keeping on.

Bakewell, I had relationships before my current one and the guys were great with my son. One for 2 years and one for 3. Guess what, they were fab to him (too bloody right) but he doesnt miss them at all. He has a father, as your's does so stop making that a big issue.

Let go of this, he is NOT what you want and you are NOT what he wants.

What about in 5 years time and he's still holding on to mummy's apron strings and you're still hankering after a baby.

I'm not saying you ever will be guaranteed to have another one but there would be a chance if you get shot of him. There won't be if you don't.

Ethics don't just apply to professions...! It is unethical to cajole or steam-roll or manipulate or whatever someone into something as significant as fatherhood.

Whatever you do, don't issue him an ultimatum - that was bad advice from whoever suggested it. While it may (or may not) give you the desired end result, imagine spending the rest of your life with someone you had to threaten into being with you. As opposed to spending it with someone who actively chooses it and very much wants it as much as you do.

I can also guarantee that he would be Hard Work on the domestic front, expecting you to do everything - a child to look after, a potential new baby and an ineffectual man-child, all expecting you to look after them? Sounds like bliss.......

Thought I read somewhere that your DS has a dad in his life. Even if that isn't the case my advice still stands. Creating some sort of "happy family" that doesn't exist (read what you have written back) is not the answer is it honey?

And for whatever reason he doesn't seem a healthy role model for your child to be honest does he.

It is thoroughly unethical to pressure someone into having any kind of relationship with you that the other person doesn't want to have. No one owes you commitment, just like no one owes anyone sex.

And if you really really want another baby, there's always donor sperm or indeed a male co-parent who is not a partner.

I know a man in his 50's who still lives at home with his mummy and another in his late 40's. Weird folk is they.

move on

So are men on a mums network site To be honest if I started dating a man and he told me he was on here.... DUMP!

I used the word ultimatum, because clarity is important here. It is not remotely about putting pressure on him to make a particular decision - but simply that this this needs to be brought to a head, and some sort of decision needs to be made (even if that decision is to do noting, and reset expectations). Ultimata do not have to be accompanied by threats or undue pressure (frankly, it never occurred to me that anyone would make an inevitable connexion).

If OP is considering binning him (as many posters have urged) then at least he should be given a chance to work out what he really wants. After all, it's going to come out of the blue to him, and who knows what he might come up with.

But if this has been dragging on and on, then I can easily see you would have no appetite for a last investigation into whether there can be a future. And if you agree with the advice unilateral action, then you've already cut him out anyhow - thus giving you answer.

An ultimatum is, by its very nature, a threat. There is no need to accompany it with threats; it is one. "Either you stay and do all the things I want which you don't seem to want enough to choose them yourself, or I leave".

Judging by the OP's posts, he has been given plenty of chances to step up to the plate and has not done so. This will not be coming out of the blue for him, not least because he's already been broken up with for exactly the same reasons by someone else.

You can love all sorts of people and you might feel love for him. But dont confuse that with being married to and sharing the rest of your life with an adult who is right for you. He will never change, you'll have to put up with MIL's sniping and he'll always say my mother thinks this, my mother wouldnt do that. He'll expect you to be like her. Its very tough, but you will have to bin him, or be his mother.

Everything has already been said, so I just "ditto" every other poster here.

I have been in what sounds JUST like your position. I didn't have MN, more's the pity.

PLEASE. Move away and save your child from a future with this man.

You do NOT want to have a baby with him, realise he can't/won't be the man/father you desired and have to have him in your and dc2's lives (pretty sure dc1 won't be a consideration to him)

PLEASE. Bin this one. DON'T throw good years after bad - I did exactly the same, thinking of all the time, effort, emotion I'd put into the relationship and pure stubborn pig headedness drove me into FORCING myself to continue the relationship despite red flags all over the place (no MN then so didn't know about them then!)

You know what the right thing is to do.

An ultimatum isn't inherently a threat - it is simply a final statement of terms.

I think your desire for another child has become undermined by your settling for a situation where none will ever be in propect. So, if it is still important to you, then restating those terms (and accepting the consequences of either a yea or nay) may be a route to the clarity you seek.

Just so you know, I am not entirely immoral, and if I did want to steamroller him into being the father of a child, I could have just stopped taking the pill. Which I wouldn't ever do. Now that is unethical!!! Giving him chance after chance to fulfill his promises is not unethical, just stupid.
I have been to the pub tonight with my friends, they have all said the same as you wise ladies, and I am going to act when I see him tomorrow.

Well I suppose it's Plan B now....

Thank you, you really don't know how much strength and resolve this has given me, thank you for taking the time to talk some sense into a random person you don't even know. x

The episode where his mum didn't want you to bring your son to her birthday meal, and he didn't back you up on that - in fact you argued about how you felt annoyed and bad about it - would be the decider for me. As a stepdad he would need to stick up for his stepson - yes, even against his mum in a situation like the one you describe. So you can do better for yourself and your son. You're doing the right thing to prepare to move on. Plus no need to panic at 34 - there is still time to meet someone new to have more kids with.