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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Opinions please, bin him or reset my expectations?!

71 replies

bakewelladdiction · 23/09/2011 13:57

This is my first post, be gentle with me please!

Am lone parent for last 3 years to truly adorable 6 year old son. His dad is in the picture and has him every other weekend, we don't communicate much.

I have been dating my current man for over a year, before that I knew him a friend for long time. We are both 34. He still lives with his mum!!! Not because he has to, but because he wants to, his brother also lives there.

It's all very strange. His mum is rather cold to me, example: "when are Op and her DS going as dinner is nearly ready" (we had to go and get some food at nearby restuarant as was dinner time and my boy was hungry and we live an hour away) My partner had invited us over on a sat afternoon, was about 3 when he arrived and she knew we were coming, have got loads of other similar examples but won't bore you with them!
My partner has always talked a good story, i.e. one day in the future we'll have a baby and live together etc, but this never seems to get any closer, and when I press him (Biological clock ticking and all!) he gets really stressed out with me and says the more I push the less the feels like doing it.
He is very nice to my boy, and generally nice to me, but hates any confrontation, talking about feelings etc.

Now I knew his ex fairly well and she put up with this exact behavior for 3 years, and finally binned him. I told him from the start I wanted another child and if he didn't then not get involved, he said he did and still does say that, but will not say when. He does not want to move in as he has it easy at home, he pays a very small amount and gets everything done for him, so why would he want to come here and have to pay half.

Am so sorry have rambled on. Do you think I should just give up and move on or do you think should keep trying?

I have allowed my son to get close to him

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 23/09/2011 14:57

"I told him from the start I wanted another child" - yes well you'll get one. Him.

Also a lone parent with a lone child. But who your child needs is you, not a sibling or a replacement father (who won't be his father).

Agree with Wannabe thats you're in this relationship for the wrong reasons - because you want a father and a family. He wants a girlfriend (but not as much as he wants his mum to look after him I think)

Kewcumber · 23/09/2011 15:00

"but he has issues" yes his big issue is that he doesn't want to play happy families with you and your son. If he did, none of this would be happening - he would probably be living with you by now. He just doesn't want it enough, or maybe he wants it in theory but not in practice.

YankNCock · 23/09/2011 15:00

Another vote for 'bin him', for all the reasons highlighted above!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2011 15:01

This is what my mad BIL would also do to some unsuspecting sap who thinks she is the one to change him and sort his life out where others have failed. This man's primary relationship is with his mother; they are codependent on each other and you're actually unwanted. One of him is bad enough, what you wrote about this man makes me think this has got unmitigated disaster written all over it. Stop ignoring the red flags re his set up and look at this properly and without emotion.

This is not a relationship, infact its a complete non starter of one. Run, don't just walk away. Don't waste any more of your time on him.

Raise your own bar with relationships and read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

Dozer · 23/09/2011 15:03

Bin him, of course!

He sounds like what is known on MN as a "cocklodger".

Dozer · 23/09/2011 15:04

Don't waste any more time on him.

mumsamilitant · 23/09/2011 15:05

If you know what you want is it not sometimes ok to just try to get it?

Not if the other person doesn't want it Bakewell. What's the point in barking up the wrong tree for the next few years?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/09/2011 15:07

Hi bakewell,

Re your comments:-
"but I do love him, I wish I didn't, this guy has been my friend for almost ten years"

You've known him for a decade. I think you need some new friends. Bin him off/

"he's a good guy, good with my boy, he'd be a good dad"
How can he be actually a good guy; previous relationships went nowhere. He does not want to be a dad.

"but he has issues, and of course I've prob got a few mild personailty disorders too, haven't we all!"
Well no actually. But you certainly have issues with your own self esteem and worth if you truly think he is worth your time.

"If you know what you want is it not sometimes ok to just try to get it?".
No. If you want him to play happy families with you, you can forget that quaint notion. He will not do this because it is not what he wants. You in the meantime just waste further time on him.

jasper · 23/09/2011 15:08

Dozer, a cocklodger lives off woman, ie sponges off her financially without paying his way/ contributing to the household.

This charmer lives with his mum

greygirl · 23/09/2011 15:20

I think he probably is still a good friend to you, but he won't be anything more, ever. If he can't be bothered to give your son dinner when you are round (because he could have asked his mother to accomodate you, or make a cheese sandwich for you even) he won't be bothered when you need him either. I am with everyone else, you have approx 10 years to have this baby (at least, look at cherie blair), so go and find a man who wants to spend christmas day watching your little boy's face light up when he opens his presents, and understands why you want a family.
This man (and his brother note) are mummy's boys and will never leave her. never. That's why mumy is cold to you. She'll warm up when you're not her rival. Where is this man's father by the way?

Dozer · 23/09/2011 15:22

Ah, thank you for explaining jasper.

So he's kind of a cocklodger to his mum then?

Yuck.

EdithWeston · 23/09/2011 15:28

Well, you could do either.

How important is it to you at you have another child? I think this may be the crux of the issue. If it remains important to you, then I think you are in ultimatum territory. He has known all along that you say it's important, but your actions in accepting the status quo undermine this. I'd say you need to put it clearly back on the agenda.

If he will not commit (move in, TTC) then you have to abandon your hopes, or abandon him. I'd go for the latter, if I was truly clear about my priorities. It would also avoid a difficult MIL! But if he doesn't want to leave her set up, then he doesn't. He will have made an active decision, and on that basis, then yours will follow. I'd give him 6 months, tops.

EdithWeston · 23/09/2011 15:29

Oh - and that's 6 months for him to have actually acted, not to start making positive noises.

GracieFavour · 23/09/2011 15:33

I've done this mainly on my own, I could do it again if need be

what about the needs of the child?
You would be connected to him, and his mother for the rest of your lives - is that what you want?

Original poster

bakewelladdiction · 23/09/2011 15:38

Greygirl - his mum is a widow.

Attilathemeerkat- I was joking about the personality disorders, should have put a smiley face to highlight this I guess, but yes possibly do have low self esteem, probably down to the singla muvva thing as I don't think I did before.

So now I just do it, stop procastinating and find myself a new babysitter!
You are making really valid points, as do all my girl friends, but obvs some of you are a bit more on a blunt side

OP posts:

oldwomaninashoe · 23/09/2011 15:59

I have friends and relatives who have had sons in their 30's still living at home, however when they have met the "right" woman they have left the family home in indecent haste to set up home/marry.

I think a lot of the problem is that your fellas Mother is a widow, and I'm thinking that your fella and his brother are the only men in her life. He has a comfy life "chez Maman" and gets all his extra activities at yours, why should he alter the status quo, he has it made!

His Mother does not like you but she realises that open hostility to you would annoy and ultimately alienate her son so she's subtle.

Put your cards on the table with him and tell him its move forward or finish, put the ball in his court and see what happens.

greygirl · 23/09/2011 16:01

That is a shame his dad has died, but it perhaps explains a bit about his (and his brother's role) in the house, and his mother's hostility. You would think she would be kind to another single mum, and have some insight, but i think she wants to hold onto 'her men'.

you'll never be good enough either (and that is without knowing you, so it's nothing personal). I would run for the hills - better to be single than putting up with these shenanigans. the only rason to keep him i think would be for casual sex and a babysitter, with no real obligations, but i don't think that's what you were hoping for was it?

(incidentally I had the 'christmas with her or me' from my MIL. My DH chose me, no contest. we visited the day after (she had others therem she wasn't lonely). The next year we BOTH went to MILs. I think not inviting you is her way of warning you off.

AnyF · 23/09/2011 16:02

Now I knew his ex fairly well and she put up with this exact behavior for 3 years, and finally binned him.

He's pretty consistent then.

Look, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to commit. He isn't being fair to you though. He knew what you wanted (commitment and babies) from the start and now he just shuts you down when you raise the subject.

Bin him and find someone who wants the same as you

(and isn't a weird mummy's boy)

Hullygully · 23/09/2011 16:04

binbinbinbinbinbinbinbinbinbinbinbinbin

Hullygully · 23/09/2011 16:04

Is he Ronnie Corbett or Jimmy Saville?

Original poster

bakewelladdiction · 23/09/2011 16:17

Oh well. Another one bites the dust!

Off to buy some self help books on amazon then! I can't keep him around for casual sex, I will just end up feeling rubbish all the time. Have got my trusty rabbit afterall!

OP posts:

greygirl · 23/09/2011 16:21

i think you mean another one has a lucky escape!

i'd be very interested to know what he says when you leave him.

I don't think you need self-help books, i think you need to remember you are a good mother to your son, and a decent honest person. Mr right will appear while you are living your life, so enjoy yourself! good luck.

jasper · 23/09/2011 16:23

dozer

heather1 · 23/09/2011 16:28

Another vote for bin him Im afraid. I was watching the film "hes just not that into you" last night, (or some such similar name) and I think based on your examples although he is no doubt very fond of you, he is just not that into you.
Dont you want better for you and your DS. Some one who wants to be with you so much and will marry you (if you want to get married, Im a traditional girl!) Wishing you luck with your decision.

heather1 · 23/09/2011 16:29

Forgot to add. Why should you lower your expectations. They sound perfectly reasonable to me.

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