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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me about kind loving men

26 replies

Punkatheart · 22/09/2011 18:59

I am struggling at the moment. I really don't want my opinion of all men to be coloured by the fact that my OH has abandoned me and DD. But I cannot understand how such a lovely man, I man I have known for 20 years, has become so callous. Please tell me about kind men and lovely partners....I need to believe that the world is a better place. I have kept all my OH's messages on the answerphone and I played them today...messages where he called me darling, where he sounded loving...it all feels like a dream now.

So please...tell me about lovely people, lovely things they have done. Or I may dig a hole and look only at the sky. I feel as if I am going mad, when the universe can be so cruel.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 22/09/2011 19:05

Oh sweetheart, I am sorry.
There are good men out there who deserve you, there are.
There are also utter duplicitious tossbags unfortunately and then those in between.

My DH, my brother and my Grandad are/were (in case of GD) wonderful, loyal and loving men.

You've been very badly hurt but not all men are bastards, they really are not.

TipOfTheSlung · 22/09/2011 19:06

You had an exception, not the rule. I am blessed as I am surrounded by wonderful men, father, brother, husband, fil. There are so many good ones out there

Lizzylou · 22/09/2011 19:09

Oh Gawd, yes, my FIL is wonderful too.

My Dad is a lovely man but a crap husband, ask his (ex)wives! I sort of learnt what not to go for in a partner from him.

I like that phrase, You had an exception, not the rule Tip. That is perfect.

MangoMonster · 22/09/2011 19:11

There are lots of lovely men, granted they can be twats sometimes but can't we all. Sorry you're feeling so low, hope it gets better for you soon.

Malificence · 22/09/2011 19:11

Telling you how wonderful my DH is would seem too much like rubbing your nose in it Sad I know what a horrific time you've had recently and can only hope you can move on from this, you must be so lost right now, I can't imagine how you are coping.
Rest assured that his failings have lead to this, not yours, take comfort from your DD - he has lost far more than you.

StitchingMoss · 22/09/2011 19:11

Loyal, wonderful dad, FIL, brothers and dh here too. I'm so sorry that you've been so badly treated - there are many wonderful men out there and I do hope you find one, when you're ready.

TheGoddessBlossom · 22/09/2011 19:21

I wish I had a brother...

Original poster
Punkatheart · 22/09/2011 19:59

No Malificence - I like hearing about good men. I am so pleased that your DH is lovely.

So sad right now. I still love him so very much - he was my world.

OP posts:
Grumpla · 22/09/2011 20:03

My dad, FIL and DH are all wonderful men (in their very different ways)

It's no coincidence that they are all married to brilliant women who take no shit and weren't prepared to settle for anything less.

He didn't deserve to be your world. You and your DD can have your own world where appalling men are given short shrift, and one day you will find someone who deserves to be part of that world as well.

Delete the messages, please. It's not a good idea to torture yourself like that.

MangoMonster · 22/09/2011 20:07

It's going to take time, don't be hard on yourself. I know it's heartbreaking and confusing but you have to accept that although he was loving, he's not anymore and you can't change that, only he can. Also, could you forgive him for the shit he's put you through? Moving on is really hard but you need to distract yourself, please don't play old messages. I have done it too, but it's fantasy not the reality that faces you.

Uglymush · 22/09/2011 20:19

My DH is a great bloke. So great he told me he loved me at 16, I didn't believe him went off had my own life and at 28 finally told him I loved him too - He had waited all those years for me.

If it helps punkatheart my mate is going through an awful divorce but she says it hasn't put her off men, she just had the wrong one. You will be happy again but it will take time

Take Care

morrisseysquornmince · 23/09/2011 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tigermoll · 23/09/2011 10:08

I have to get up at 6.45am to go to work every day, and so set my alarm for that time. My OH (who very rarely has to get up to go to work) always sets his alarm for 7am, so if I oversleep, he can wake me up. It doesn't sound like much, but it makes me feel very loved.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 23/09/2011 10:08

Oh sweetheart - I'm so sorry. Please don't give up.

I can offer up a wonderful Dad and brother, my DH and his Dad. His brothers - loyal to a fault. Even my ex-husband is a gem of a man. Wink

There's loads of them out there - just you see.

xx

HotBurrito1 · 23/09/2011 10:12

Punkatheart there are lots of crap men and lots of lovely men. My husband is supportive gentle and really kind (and very funny!). My dad is a really lovely, generous-spirited man.

I am new but have been reading for a while. You sound in your posts like such a lovely person, you deserve the utmost respect and the best of treatment.

GracieFavour · 23/09/2011 15:38

my OH is a wonderful, supportive, kind and loving man. Unsurprisingly, my sons are also kind and gentle men. My younger son saved up for a year to take his girlfriend to the Maldives for her birthday with all sorts of surprises.

Nastiness, spitefulness and meanness have no place in a relationship

coccyx · 23/09/2011 15:40

My husband wrote me a book of poems.
I am sorry your OH has been a fool.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 23/09/2011 18:13

My DH kept our family together whilst I was ill with cancer for a year

OP you sound so heartbroken you've made me cry

anothermum92 · 23/09/2011 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Punkatheart · 23/09/2011 21:06

Oh you gorgeous ladies and your lovely men...it is truly lovely to hear. Fuzzywuzzy - how strong and faithful your man sounds. I hope that all is better with you now. Give him a hug from me.

My problem is that I still love my OH so very deeply and yes, I am totally heartbroken. His poor mother as well. I got my DD to call her this evening and she apologised that she cannot control what is happening to us all. It would seem that OH is on a self-destruct.

But I love all these stories. A book of poems sounds lovely. Gracie - thank you for bringing your sons up so beautifully...the world needs them....

OP posts:
heleninahandcart · 23/09/2011 22:04

I'm so sorry you are going through this Punk. Some examples for you

My DD was a lovely man. He would get up early before work, light the coal fire so DM and I could get dressed in the warmth. I stepped into polished shoes, he would wash and iron my school shirts each night (not much money so only had two).

He always told me to 'take care of your lovely self'. This is the thing I still say to myself when I feel that someone isn't treating me right.

I also worked with some very good men, supportive of their DPs, concerned for their well being, hands on loving dads. On many occasions I have had men worried sick in my office during a family crisis, wanting to do the best for their DP.

Good men are in the majority.

Signet2012 · 24/09/2011 14:51

Not all men are bastards....

Mine isnt, I dont have any fancy stories, or anything really to share other than he respects me completely, loves me totally and treats me like Im the most special thing in the world. Which to him, I honestly believe I am.

My mother told me the other day I was "lucky" to have him... And yes I suppose I am, because its taken him six years to undo the damage my first partner did, he has been punished for everything XP was, when he wasnt. He has helped me to realise, Im not lucky to have him, this is what I deserve. I deserve respect, to be loved and to be treat nicely. Everyone deserves that, you definately deserve it OP and I hope you will find it soon.

LaBag · 24/09/2011 16:39

Punk

Your man too was a lovely, wonderful man and no-one (probably not even him) knows what has happened. It's a terrifying place to be in and I imagine it's not one that he would have chosen.

I think sometimes things happen that are outwith our control.

I hope things turn out well for everyone concerned.

Original poster
Punkatheart · 25/09/2011 08:01

Appreciating your wisdom as ever. I love the sound of your father, Helen. He sounded like a real joy. Signet I am glad that after such a bad start, you got the man you deserved.

I still keep mulling over the fact that my OH told my BIL that he found me a burden, that he found his DD a burden and that he couldn't cope with her. That sounds like a crack-up to me.....where fight or flight has inevitably turned to flight. But thank you LaBag....my OH was a gorgeous and special person, who has undergone some kind of strange personality shift. It doesn't stop me wanting him to come to the door in tears and say sorry.

Last night I went out and I didn't cry until I got home and went inside. Clinking wine, couples....it all seemed like a bubble and I was on the outside..

Have a great Sunday, people. Hug those lovely men.

OP posts:
FagAshLill · 25/09/2011 09:16

Thank you OP for posting this. We were abandoned too so know where you are coming from. All trust has gone out of the window and although I know there are good guys out there, they just seem few and far between. Like you I'm trying hard to remember that not all blokes are arseholes but it's difficult.