I know that there are countless threads on here about emotionally abusive relationships, but I'm looking for some honest advice on whether my DH is causing our problems, whether I am, or whether we're just inherently incompatible. Apologies in advance for a long message.
We argue a lot, and DD is currently 6 mo - too young to be affected at the moment (it mostly happens when she's in bed in the evenings), but the very thought that she might be affected when she's older is making me consider the future. I'll give an example of the most recent argument because it illustrates a lot of the same themes that keep recurring.
Last night, I made what I considered to be a lighthearted comment as DH carried his dinner plate into the kitchen. I said 'I wish you were that helpful all of the time.' I didn't mean it to sound like a cutting remark, I actually (stupidly!) thought that he would just smile. Most of the time, I fetch the plates and clear up after dinner, but he does help probably one or two nights a week. Admittedly, he works and I'm a SAHM, and i know that I'm quite lucky in terms of what he does, so I understand that my remark probably did seem hurtful. But his reaction was, in my opinion, way way over the top. He went mad at me for implying that he doesn't help - he stormed off, told me that 'all of my friends' partners are "down here" (indicating to the floor!), while he is "up there" and that he's not appreciated by me on 'any level.' He called me ungrateful (something that he's doing a lot recently) and that I don't appreciate the life that he provides for me. I apologised, kept calm and told him that I really hadn't meant to offend him, and shouldn't have said it. But he carried on.
He said that he's sick of how ungrateful I am, and that my apologies are never 'heartfelt.' I always feel that he expects too much of me when he wants me to keep apologising - for me, 'sorry' is enough (unless the damage was much greater than just a simple remark) but his feelings seem to be hurt so much that he can't forgive straight away. I frequently feel that I;m treading on eggshells around him because of how sensitive he can be. I told him he has a problem and that he needs to move on from things quicker, which angered him even more. I also asked him to calm down because I was scared that he would wake DD, who had slept so badly the previous night. In the end, he did wake her.
At this point, we had been arguing for about 20 mins, but i had been all the time telling myself to stay calm. When DD started crying, I was furious. I looked at DH and asked him to go in to her, and he refused (I;m always the one who has to get her back to sleep). What happened then was 100% my own fault and I'm ashamed to admit it - I smashed my drinking glass on the floor. I have never before broken something deliberately, and I didn't even really intend to do it, so I was as shocked as DH. But he just smiled at me - it's like he's triumphant when he pushes me to lose my temper as badly as him. But at the end of the day, we both lost our tempers in the end which is why I don't think it's as clear cut as saying that HE has the problem. Maybe we both do.
He didn't help to clear up the glass and he continued to refuse to go and calm DD while I cleared up. I ended up in tears, shocked at myself and upset with him - he became completely calm as soon as my temper had flared up, and took himself off to the bedroom. I was so upset and told him that he's making me hate him, and this time we have to face up to the fact that our marriage has serious issues (something I always end up saying, but then apologise for later).
We are both passionate people, but I can honestly say that I've never had a relationship before that brings out this side of me. I have always cried pretty easily, and become angry and raised my voice in arguments, but I never called my ex boyfriend names, I didn't swear at him and I certainly didn't break things. I feel that DH has taught me this behaviour, but I can't even type that without recognising that I might be blaming him for my own problems.
Has anyone experienced this kind of arguing before? Is it a problem that we can solve? Leaving him is something that I'm not sure i could ever contemplate. I would hate myself for breaking up our marriage and depriving DD of having two parents bringing her up together. I would rather find a way to get out of the problem, but first I need to feel confident about who exactly has the problem.