im worried about what the postman will bring

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i posted on here last friday about my ex being verbally abusive to me infront of 13th month old. hed been having access for just 7 weeks as he went to court to get parental responsibility (id never said he couldnt have access)but while the courts were taking so long and it was very bitter he didnt visit, i definitely couldnt have had him in my home.i phoned his mother and told her if he wanted to see baby could she visit with him and explained why, the fact being that i hate the bloody man at the moment. after the weekend and thinking about it i thought sod it im not having him coming round a week before xmas and there being an atmosphere (i have an 11year old also, no his)and ruining xmas. last xmas i was too soft and allowed him round xmas day which culminated in him being a controlling arse and my elder son crying allday because of the agro.anway, sorry im waffling, he emailed monday to ask when he could visit. no apology or anything, he obviously thinks its totally acceptable to scream abuse at me over the babies head!i replied that he should go back to his solicitor and find out about contact centres. yesterday he emailed to say fine and what arrangement would happen in the meantime. i said nothing cause of his outburst. im now worried about what the post will bring ie:shitty solicitor letter. his dad is the same and has told him that he himself (the dad)should be allowed to have babe overnight!over my dead body.help please.x

You poor thing I really feel for you it is a horrible feeling I dread the post every day as I try to sort out my own contact problems with newly xh especially at this time of year it all seems so much more sad and awful.

Stick to your guns this is about your kids and their happiness and safety in the end. What does your solicitor say?

at the moment i havent got a solicitor because it was sorted amicably , yea yea. on 2nd december he went to court to confirm that hed have 2hours a week visit, go on birth certficiate (he threw me out at 4months pregnant and son, 8 then)which would give him parental responsibility. since found out that his father told him to tell us to leave, unbelievable eh a first time grandad making us homeless and now the grandad is getting hump and thinks he should be allowed him overnight. dont know where i stand if ive disobeyed whats in writing by courts, even though they didnt make arrangements.also i dont trust him and his father at all. me and my family always said he was more interested in the paperwork for baby. i think if he gets parental responsibility his dad will say "thats it son, we'll get the baby now blah blah blah"

Get yourself a solicitor asap and don't agree to anything. Are you breastfeeding? Even if you're not your baby is still quite young and it would probably be quite unsettling to have to go and stay with someone who is more or less a stranger.

I really would stick to your guns, your ex sounds nasty and vindictive and I really wouldn't want my baby in that sort of environment.

The jist (sp?) I get is that his dad wants to look after the grandchild as well...ffs does he not realise how hard it is to look after a baby..?? Surely he doesn't want to go back 20 or so years and to be getting up for nightly feeds etc..?!

I would stick to your guns as well. Good luck. x

found you!
Ultimately Courts award fathers contact-very difficult to argue against. If he has been threatening to you the Courts may examine this but would probably look to find a way of allowing contact in supervised settings where the two of you do not have to be together alone.

You will not get into trouble if the reason for contact stopping is because you were threatened in front of your child. In those circumstances it is clearly inappropriate for contact to take place in your home.

Also it is difficult to see how contact can take place without you nearby if dd has no relationship with her father unless there is a familiar go between!

You do need a solicitor-your ex will no doubt take you back to court to sort out christmas contact
you need someone to speak up for you
xx

he said i could go to prison or get community service if i dont let him see him?the problem being that babe isnt easy anyway coz food allergies. i dont trust the grandad, i only met him twice, him and his son are both bullying assholes and i can imagine the talking too hes giving his son about "his rights" etc.theyre both snobs and think theyre quite upperclass and i know this is gonna go on for ever, its so bloody depressing. i try not to think about it but stuff keeps popping in to my head. really annoying!

Ring up some solicitors tomorrow and get yourself some proper advice. You really need to know where you stand, you could get one to write you a letter saying that all contact is going to be put on hold until a contact centre can be used. If he hears it from a solicitor he may back off slightly.

il ring my old solicitor tomoro perhaps they can help again.cant bleve theyd send you to prison for not wanting to be anywhere near sum1 you dont trust!il try to put him and his father in a box at the back of my head, i might get some sleep then, theyre ruining my dreams!

they always threaten with prison! first he would need a Court Order that specified that you were to make the child available for contact at a specific place at a specific time on a specific day
Next he would need a penal notice attached to that Order
Before those steps are taken-he cannot take action for contempt.
Sounds as though he has to prove himself before realistically the Courts will let him have unsupervised contact-at the very least he needs to get to know his daughter!

Hi chipkid, sorry bout the message mixup!can he get contact that quick for xmas? i was hoping that i could enjoy xmas and do the court thing etc etc. after

He's talking drivle honey to frighten you and it's working!
Go see a solicitor now and you'll have your mind put at rest. there's no way a court is going to punish a mum who is acting in the best interests of her child but they do like things done in the right way - so keep arecord of the emails and the happenings - dates/ diary entries and give it all to your solicitor.
By the way access is not the right of a parent it's the right of the child and only if it's in the childs best interest.
Put your mind at rest- you are in a strong position regarding your children being their ony carer (remeber he threw you and the kids out!)
I'd have as little to do with him and his family as possible and keep refering him to his solicitor if he wants to make changes- that's why you need one then you can say ALL communication must go through solicitors first.Take care, keep strong.

baby is a boy. must have done my signing wrong

he's cutting it fine but could try for a last minute directions appointment.
He may have to wait for the New Year realistically.
Make sure you write stuff down-like when he turned up for contact, what happened on the last occasion etc it is much easier to provide a good statement if you have times, dates etc

ive phoned my solicitor this morning after hearing nothing off ex since begining of dec when i stoped him coming round to see ds because of his behaviour. my solicitor has said i hve defied the court order with regards to his 2 onehourly access visits in my home every week. wot happens now? do i get into trouble, wots the process?can any1 help. waiting for sols to ring back but prob not till end of day.x

hi,
I'm sorry to hear about the trouble you've been having. I had no end of problems sorting out access with my exh, but it never got as far as court. You can get into trouble for not complying wiht court orders. I can't see them doling out severe punishment in view of your situation though. I think you need to be concentrating on getting a working contact arrangement going. If you can't have him in your home, why doesn't he take his baby somewhere else. at 13 months, is there any reason why he can't have the baby for a few hours? You need to get contact sorted without the abuse and fighting and the baby needs to see his father.

this is a man who is a confirmed bachelor and football addict who slobs around and has no commonsense so definitly couldnt be trusted with my ds.he has no experience with kids, no kids in his family. ds also has food allergies so is a worry anyway. ex has said hed be 2 scared to have him unsupervised anyway. its been so nice for the last 3 weeks, no worries, no visits, ive been relaxed. i wish hed just disappear!

I knwo that feelign so well! In my case, int he end, I dissapeared.
If your ex doesn't want contact alone then that is fine. Look into contact centers, or what about his mother supervising? I had my ex take the kids to his mothers to start with as I didn't trust him neither.

The court would only order contact at your home if they were satisfied that you were not in any danger. This may have been the case when the order was made, but his threats have changed the situation. If he makes any more threats, I suggest that you contact the police and get the incident logged. That way, if he takes you back to court because you are not complying with the order, you will have evidence that it was because of his aggressive and unacceptable behaviour. You could suggest that he has supervised contact at a family centre.

You should also keep a contemporaneous diary of every and all contact with him, whether in person, by phone, email, text, etc. The courts will accept this as evidence if necessary.

ive postd on here bout family centres b4 but didnt find out too much. if ds knew him(we split wen preg) and was older and not "my needy baby" it wldnt be such a worry.my 11yr old ds is petrified that ex is gona take his baby bruv away.i wldnt want ds going 2 g.parents as dont trust the grandad.really im more worried at the mo about wot im going to hear from the court with regard to defying the court order

kelly, how on earth did you sort access if you disappeared. you must be very forgiving, how old were yours? did they know dad anyway?

You will only hear from the court if your exp makes an application with relation to the original order. He may not do so if you are likely to inform the court that he has threatened you with violence. You should also receive notice of a hearing for you to put your case, so don't worry that you're suddenly going to receive something nasty through the post.

oh so it could take weeks again then, so i can relax a little then. thankyou freckle

if you don't trust the grandad, then jsut request that his mother is there. You have to offer something, otherwise the situation will jsut get taken out of your hands and the courts will make the decision totally. This could mean that your ex ends up having him on his own, if that is what the courts decide is best for the baby.
With my situation, I was pg when I left, and we had a 2 yo dd. He couldn't have the baby alone, I was bfeeding, baby was too young etc. So first he had them at his mothers, and then we worked up to him having them at his gf's and overnight visits as they got older. It was never totally straightforward, and there were still a lot of rows about it, but it did get easier over time to make arrangements. I had been tryign to move away for various reasons, which he knew about. When ds was 2 and dd was 4 I moved 200 miles away. He was given contact details, said he was going to his solicitor but I never heard back. I heard from his gf (a few months later) that he never even went to his solicitors. 18 months on from that I moved again, I've changed my phone, and so I have effectively dissapeared now. He doesn't have a clue where I am.
My dd knew him when we left and it was hard for her at first. It's been that long now though, that she rarely ever mentions him now. My ds has no memory of him at all. He is developmentally delayed so still hasn't really asked.
I never intended to stop contact altogether, It wasn't my place to do that. I tried to get arrangements put in place for when I did move away, but he never wanted to discuss it until I had found a place. By then it was a bit late adn nothing as ever sorted. i was relieved to get away from him, but it should have been up to the children really to see him or not.

blimey, sorry didn't mean to ramble on and on!

thats ok kelly, its good to ramble. i know also that its not my right to stop access, although i have good grounds at present i think. hes such a pompous spoilt brat and his mother always said to me that she thought he had communication problems as hes so hardfaced and unemotional, i wish he had a girlfriend at least id know there was another female around with commonsense when he comes to caring for little ones. hes a strange bloke, 33years old i was his first lover/girlfriend! hes a geek really, used to be into planespotting and now just eats wotever takeawy he can get hands on watches ALL footie on sky etc. twice in the 7weeks he had access he made me arranged contact around a footie match!hes a tosser and i wish he just let me get on with a good mum and not cause me this stress which invariably causes your kids stress as you know. see, now ive waffled!