Emotional affair or jealous wife?

[Naetha]

I could namechange but the circumstances would out me instantly so I won't bother.

We've just (i.e. last week) emigrated to Australia. DH was over there for 5 weeks before he flew back to the UK for 5 days then we all flew out together as a family.

DH has generally struggled in the past to make friends, but he made loads of friends in Oz, with one name cropping up a lot more often than others.

So, she's a woman, single (just come out of a long term relationship), works with him and about half my weight. DH never seems to shut up about her - he was out drinking with her (and other people as well) almost every other night, ended up at her flat once (apparently "it wasn't like that" and her other flatmates were there too) and was always talking about her. He kept on saying to me that he didn't know how he could have done it without her as he was so lonely and he missed us so much. They have loads in common, me and her would get on really well blah blah blah.

When DH came back to the UK he was really insistent that he wanted to maintain his social life - we agreed to one night a week, but not to have a proper night out until we were a bit more settled (a couple of weeks I figured). I'm ok with this to some extent - it's great that he's got friends that he can chill out with.

I'm just a bit gutted that we've been here 5 days, it's his second day back at work and he's already out drinking with her. Admittedly, not just her, there's another bloke too, but I just get that sinking feeling in my stomach. He's already been out to lunch with her both days he's been back, there's been loads of text messages (all very innocent, he shows me most of them), taking loads of pictures of her (again, innocuous ones).

Apparently she was really looking forwards to meeting me and the kids (we went in to DH's work an hour after landing to meet people) and wants to go out for a drink with me, yet when I met her she virtually blanked me and just talked to DH in semi-code and in-jokes.

So am I being lonely, bored and jealous, or should I bring it up with DH / do something?

[cumbria81]

I think it's fine.

He's being open, sounds like a friendship to me. I wouldn't be bothered.

[Hullygully]

If I'd just arrived in rented accommodation in a country where I knew no one with two dc under three, and my dh said, it's very important I maintain a social life and go and get pissed with that woman I can't stop talking about, I would go utterly berserk.

[HotBurrito1]

He has acted like a cock. We cannot assume there has been any disrespectful chat at all. Not sure how you can conclude that without being in the room.

[larrygrylls]

"Was he a selfish person before you emigrated ?"

And has he stopped beating you yet?

This EA tripe on MN is very damaging. An "EA" is a friendship in which both parties are respecting the boundaries that they signed up to. Unless you are ludicrously possessive, your partner is allowed friendships. Of course it is annoying but, ultimately, that thing tends to pass and only becomes a big issue if someone makes it so. The fact that he is keen to introduce you to his colleagues and this friend makes it seem even more innocent to me. She should not be blanking you and maybe she wants more that your husband is offering, but that is not his fault. He was probably really nervous about relocating, especially if shy, and is now overexcited that it is working out well and he has a good social life. His attitude towards this woman is a bit too much and I can see why it is getting you down but why not try to befriend her? Have her (and invite her +1) round for a meal or to a restaurant, and make it clear that your husband and you welcome her into your joint circle of friends.

I would be more concerned about him saying he is on the way home and being in the pub 3 hours later. That is really rude and disrespectful. Having said that, you have both travelled half way across the world. You and your children are probably all jetlagged and you are living in temporary accommodation. This is the kind of "get through it" period that will be a bore and really stressful. If you can just tolerate it, you may feel fantastic in a few months, in a new exciting home.

[Hullygully]

There are crocs in Oz, take him on a nice country walk where it's a bit slippery.

[abedelia]

Yes, be really bloody careful with this one. My H had an affair with an ex-colleague after he left his old job (they stayed in touch via phone and email - developing rapidly into an EA - then met up once, after which I found out.). The night before we left I was left to do all the packing AND get two under 4s to bed because he was out having cosy drinks with her, with her hinting at how much she'd always liked him... See how he behaves when he gets home. Is he evasive, and does something feel off? Is he snappy with you and the kids? Does he leave his mobile out or is it suddenly welded to his body? Can you check the phone while he is drunkenly snoring away?

I know he has shown you things such as texts, but this is (and was in our case) often H's way of justifying that he had told me she was in touch a lot - he said who the texts were from and showed me the innocent ones, but there were a LOT more besides, with totally different content.

He may just be being an arse but you need to nip it in the bud and get a full feel for it, especially with so much at stake (ie potentially being trapped in Aus). Get out with some Mn friends. After all, if he is babysitting he can't be at the pub with her. Though do keep an eye on the phone bill in case he is calling her.

Frankly in any line of life (business partnership, work etc) if someone acts odd then you'd look into it, wouldn't you?

[Naetha]

Larrygrylls, really?

[MangoMonster]

Sorry but I'm not a man hater, that doesn't automatically make me a stepford wife. Give the guy a chance and let the op find out for herself rather than twisting the facts. Marriage isn't always black and white.

[Hullygully]

[Fatshionista]

DH is being naive, selfish and unsupportive.
This all sounds like a big red flag and I would not be happy.

Even if DH wasn't ever considering doing something, the woman sounds like she's getting a little too close for comfort.

Tell DH how you're feeling.

[swallowedAfly]

oh so expecting respect and support in a relationship is man-hating? interesting.

[Hullygully]

It doesn't matter if he has had/ wants to have/ is having a dalliance with this woman.

He is treating his wife like shit.

[encyclogirl]

OP is he home yet?

[swallowedAfly]

exactly hully.

[swallowedAfly]

and his kids.

[Naetha]

Thanks again for the great advice guys. I'm calm and ready to talk. He said on the phone that he was sober, which is worrying in one sense, but at least it means we can have a half decent conversation before it gets swept under the carpet.

[abedelia]

Larrygrylls - really, so what's your term for emails, texts and calls day and night where the two parties 'do' nothing physically but moon over each other and what might have been, if it wasn't for their annoying wife, husband and 'dedication' to their children (while actually spending their days being foul to said family).

[Naetha]

Apparently it took him an hour to get a taxi from the city centre of a city that has a population of 2 million.

[larrygrylls]

Naetha,

Just my view. I have not lived abroad myself but several of my friends have relocated to Asia and every one of them found the first couple of months stressful, especially the serviced accommodation bit with a whole family.

But...this EA idea. Surely, it either turns into an affair or it doesn't? And, if it is going to, and you manage to stop it, what does it really mean? In a sense, you have already been betrayed mentally. And, if it was never going to, all you have done is seemed jealous. However, I have never (as far as I know) been cheated on (or cheated on my wife) and a lot of the advisors on here have. Up to you whose opinions you take on board. I would just prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt unless proved otherwise. I think it is healthier.

[Hullygully]

Ask him how he'd feel were the situation reversed.

[carlywurly]

You need the Shirley Glass book. It's brilliant for this kind of situation.

Being livid at him now may blow off steam, and he really does need to know what an arse he's been, but it's not going to solve anything long term. Lots of talking while you're calmer and rational is the way to go. You need to reestablish the walls around you as a couple and as a family.

And kindly save the Stepford comments if they're aimed at me. You really have no idea of my situation.

[TheOriginalFAB]

This man is acting like a spoilt toddler who has had his favourite toy (ie time to be with his fancy piece) taken away.

[swallowedAfly]

You need to reestablish the walls around you as a couple and as a family

or he could just stop being a selfish arse and step up as the husband and father he is. the OP doesn't need to do any work, she's done nothing wrong and has very recently made massive sacrifices in fact for her husband.

tell you what i'll lay off the stepford wife bit if whatsername lays off the hyperbole nonsense of 'man-hater'.

[swallowedAfly]

how ridiculous - you need a book? it's hardly rocket science that he needs to pull his finger out.

[Proudnscary]

I don't get the posters who say 'just chill, I'm sure it's nothing'.
Firstly, listen to your instincts.
Secondly, if my dh ever gave me cause for suspicion (he hasn't) I'd turn detective quicker than you could say Cheating Arse. I'd check his phone/emails and do it before I confronted him with any suspicions in case he went on a deletion fest.
Sorry you are having a mare OP x