Emotional affair or jealous wife?

[Naetha]

I could namechange but the circumstances would out me instantly so I won't bother.

We've just (i.e. last week) emigrated to Australia. DH was over there for 5 weeks before he flew back to the UK for 5 days then we all flew out together as a family.

DH has generally struggled in the past to make friends, but he made loads of friends in Oz, with one name cropping up a lot more often than others.

So, she's a woman, single (just come out of a long term relationship), works with him and about half my weight. DH never seems to shut up about her - he was out drinking with her (and other people as well) almost every other night, ended up at her flat once (apparently "it wasn't like that" and her other flatmates were there too) and was always talking about her. He kept on saying to me that he didn't know how he could have done it without her as he was so lonely and he missed us so much. They have loads in common, me and her would get on really well blah blah blah.

When DH came back to the UK he was really insistent that he wanted to maintain his social life - we agreed to one night a week, but not to have a proper night out until we were a bit more settled (a couple of weeks I figured). I'm ok with this to some extent - it's great that he's got friends that he can chill out with.

I'm just a bit gutted that we've been here 5 days, it's his second day back at work and he's already out drinking with her. Admittedly, not just her, there's another bloke too, but I just get that sinking feeling in my stomach. He's already been out to lunch with her both days he's been back, there's been loads of text messages (all very innocent, he shows me most of them), taking loads of pictures of her (again, innocuous ones).

Apparently she was really looking forwards to meeting me and the kids (we went in to DH's work an hour after landing to meet people) and wants to go out for a drink with me, yet when I met her she virtually blanked me and just talked to DH in semi-code and in-jokes.

So am I being lonely, bored and jealous, or should I bring it up with DH / do something?

[swallowedAfly]

god no don't buy into the paranoia. there are women out there who are capable of being friends with a man.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

morrissey - my H's OW was a long term mutual female friend, we all used to get one really well....

[solidgoldbrass]

Glad to hear this is sorted out (only just seen thread) - my take on it would have been that monogamism is clouding the issue and what needed addressing was the fact that he thought it was fine for him to have a social life but your job was to stay at home and do all the childcare and housework. So make sure you keep him up to the mark in that aspect.

[Shoni]

That was best wishes lol
Stupid predictive texting !!

[Shoni]

Well done talking a lot of couples don't do what's so simple (talking)
Take care and best widgets to you and your family

[AnyFucker]

Well done for sorting this out together. I am glad you have re-drawn your boundaries. He has no excuses now if there are any further "twatty" incidents.

[HotBurrito1]

Really pleased you have cleared the air in such a productive way. All the best with the settling in / househunting

[carlywurly]

That's great. He sounds like a decent bloke having a twatty moment.

And best that the "friend" is exposed early on for what she is - no friend of your marriage. Now you can both give her a wide berth.

Wishing you all the very best of luck in your lovely new home country!

[SeoraeMaeul]

Pleased for you that you had such an open discussion. It's tough making a move abroad and tough adjusting to long times apart so you've been dealing with a double whammy!
I hope you can all relax a bit and enjoy your new home (and find a great baby sitter to give you a break!)

[Hullygully]

Hurrah!

Throw another prawn on the barby!

[Binfullofmaggotsonthe45]

Wonderful news, well done on your stance.

Now start enjoying your new life - the opportunity is a wonderful one!

[larrygrylls]

Second SenoritaViva,

Glad it worked out and you gave him a decent chance to explain himself. Enjoy your new life....I am jealous!

[SenoritaViva]

Very glad that you have sorted things. I always felt your DH was misguided rather than consciously being selfish and that the other woman had her own agenda. It seems you have a strong marriage and back on track, how lovely. Enjoy Australia.

[MangoMonster]

So happy that you're both feeling good about things. All the best for your future life together in oz!

[swallowedAfly]

so glad you got this sorted. thank goodness he's been honest and was sorry and truly willing to work out

i didn't see the other woman as a threat personally - was more shocked by how he was behaving with regards to you and kids arriving in a new country.

really pleased you've had such a good talk!

welcome to australia! did you get the message above about someone there wanting to meet up with you today? hope you get to do that - fab way to get to know a new place having a mn'er there ahead of you.

enjoy x

[Naetha]

Well, it was an interesting evening and no mistake.

Although it shouldn't have taken something like this to draw us back together, but it worked.

The short answer is that he panicked. He mistook my sobs of desperation on the phone for anger, and thought he was going to be yelled and shouted at when he returned home, so he pretended it wasn't happening.

When he finally got home (after giving the wrong address to the taxi driver and having to walk a mile home) he was very very sorry. He thought I was just giving him a hard time for being out - not that I was worried for his life and had called the police because I thought he might have been run over or mugged. As soon as he realised this he was really remorseful and apologetic of what he put me through.

We had a long (hour+) talk about what was going on with the move, with his behaviour, with all the other stresses in our life. Because of the timescales, the urgency and the long time we'd been separated, we hadn't had a proper talk about the specifics of the non-logistical aspects of the move - the stresses of his work, the stresses of single parenting on top of moving our family and our possessions 12,000 miles.

Neither of us had realised how close the other was to breaking point - we were putting up such a good front to eachother and to other people, that we thought the other was coping fine.

He talked to me in a way that he's never done before, and told me things that I never realised were going on. Eye opening things that changed my opinion of him for the better

The boundaries that we had before have been reconfirmed, and we are more resolute about what our intentions are. He felt he was letting his friends down by not going out when they asked him, when in fact it should have been the other way round - he spends extra time with his friends when they need help, not him. At the end of the day, because it has been all so messed up with him working away for so long, it seemed the obvious way to de-stress after a very hard day - after all, that's what he did when I wasn't there, and he didn't want to get aggro from me after a hard day's work for both of us.

When he arrived back in the UK for 5 days before we all flew out together he found it really hard. He felt excluded and redundant, and he said I made him feel like he wasn't necessary, and just got in the way. This was true to some extent - I'd had to manage everything to the nth degree just to make it work and get us on the plane on time, and every time he tried to help, he just made it worse. Therefore he thought that when we came over here he was still redundant and just got in the way, which was very much NOT the case now that we were basically winging it. He has always had quite low self esteem

So, was he being selfish? Yes of course, but I understand his reasons for it a lot more, and maybe I would have done the same in a similar situation.

As for the "other woman", well I don't trust her as far as I could throw her - she seems manipulative and predatory, although I say that from a very brief meeting. DH has agreed that the intensity of their friendship was inappropriate, and also unprofessional. He has also said that her flatmates and her circle of friends are a bad influence on him, and has said he's going to distance himself from them, while staying cordial with her. I trust DH with her, even though I don't trust her.

Sorry for the long post - I think I just needed to put it all in writing.

[Chandon]

I had a similar experience. DH went ahead of us, and lived on the other side of the world for 5 weeks on his own.

He was lucky to have a really fab secretary, he told me she was so funny and nice yet tough with authorities, great fun in the pub etc etc. oh yes, she was also single and gorgeous.

She was very keen to meet me when I arrived. She was lovely and helpful, and introduced me to her friends. I would go out with her (not DH, he would "babysit") for girls nights out. We became good friends. After a while she met a nice bloke, married him. we all went to the wedding.

10 years later she is still a very dear friend.

You see, it IS possible. But your story is a bit different. It sounds like your H is naively on the path to a possible affair.

I would keep it light though, and maybe just mention that you think it is not really appropriate for him to go on "dates" with single women when he has a family. Or that you feel left out. So get a babysitter and come too, or you both don't go. fair enough?

don't make a big deal out of it, as he would feel hurt at the implications and probably nothing has happened as yet.

play your cards wisely and stay very calm and reasonable

[swallowedAfly]

i'm sorry for your experience abedelia.

OP i hope you managed to talk things out with dh and that he was suitably apologetic once he understood the position you're in and how his behaviour is effecting you. i'm really hoping that he 'got it' once explained and was full of 'from now on' type statements and plans and that you're back onside as a team now.

also hope you managed to get at least some sleep for a day ahead alone with 2 preschoolers! credit to you by the way for the guts to move with them and to deal with the flight let alone the settling in at the other end. did you fly alone with them?

[larrygrylls]

Anyfucker,

You miss the critical distinction between a person being selfish and a behaviour being selfish (or rude and disrespectful). My underlying assumption is that people do their best within relationships but there are going to be periods of turmoil and periods where one partner may behave badly. I also think this is especially true when there are big catalysts (job changes, family changes, relocations). Your underlying implication is that a selfish behaviour or period of selfish behaviour implies a selfish person and that cannot really change, or at least not without a long period of "punishment" and introspection.

My take on this thread is that a family has relocated half way around the world with the man leading 5 weeks ahead. This may have been after long discussion and may even have been pushed by the OP. It is a huge assumption that she is making a sacrifice for him. Being on his own for 5 weeks, what is he meant to do? Sit around a glorified bedsit twiddling his thumbs or go out, integrate with his new workmates and enjoy himself. Yes, he may have taken it too far and got caught up in the excitement but he now needs a period of adjustment back to family life. How does that happen best? Shouting matches or just relaxing and seeing if things come into balance naturally?

I do hate people saying they are going to come home at one time and being home much much later. Personally I would calmly say that is not acceptable and must not happen again. One does worry about accidents etc and it is just not fair. As for the rest, it will probably just right itself over time. And, if it is still the same in a month or so, that is the time to challenge the behaviour more aggressively. Just my opinion....but based on a lot of people I personally know who have relocated with families.

[abedelia]

Swallowed - my experience is limited to moving across the country when my personal hell developed (again, no support network at our new location but ont half as bad as being 24 hours away). Man eating bitch is fairly mild compared to what I could say about mine.

In my case, the OW had lots of previous form and knew exactly which buttons to press. I wonder why suddenly single woman's former relationship ended? Might be worth poking about...

[MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism]

Oh dear, it got a lot worse after I went to bed. It's breakfast time here now.

Naetha honey I'm going to pm you. I'm going to be in the city with my two dc today, if you feel up to it you could meet up with us for a coffee.

[HairyBeaver]

To add a different angle, maybe his tasted a bit of "freedom" in those 5 weeks he was in oz by himself?

Yes it's very selfish and he does need a kick up the bum and maybe this is all innocent?

But I would trust my gut, if you feel this is heading down the affair path, speak to him. At the end of the day if his going to have an affair then there's not much you can really do tbh

I really hope he comes to his senses and you can enjoy a new life in the sun

Btw is rainy and cold here in uk

[clam]

I think your H is behaving extremely badly. If I were you I'd be feeling as if my arrival on the scene had pissed on his parade and might be hinting darkly about getting on a plane and heading back home, leaving him to it.

OK, bit extreme maybe, but this needs sorting out NOW.