Emotional affair or jealous wife?

[Naetha]

I could namechange but the circumstances would out me instantly so I won't bother.

We've just (i.e. last week) emigrated to Australia. DH was over there for 5 weeks before he flew back to the UK for 5 days then we all flew out together as a family.

DH has generally struggled in the past to make friends, but he made loads of friends in Oz, with one name cropping up a lot more often than others.

So, she's a woman, single (just come out of a long term relationship), works with him and about half my weight. DH never seems to shut up about her - he was out drinking with her (and other people as well) almost every other night, ended up at her flat once (apparently "it wasn't like that" and her other flatmates were there too) and was always talking about her. He kept on saying to me that he didn't know how he could have done it without her as he was so lonely and he missed us so much. They have loads in common, me and her would get on really well blah blah blah.

When DH came back to the UK he was really insistent that he wanted to maintain his social life - we agreed to one night a week, but not to have a proper night out until we were a bit more settled (a couple of weeks I figured). I'm ok with this to some extent - it's great that he's got friends that he can chill out with.

I'm just a bit gutted that we've been here 5 days, it's his second day back at work and he's already out drinking with her. Admittedly, not just her, there's another bloke too, but I just get that sinking feeling in my stomach. He's already been out to lunch with her both days he's been back, there's been loads of text messages (all very innocent, he shows me most of them), taking loads of pictures of her (again, innocuous ones).

Apparently she was really looking forwards to meeting me and the kids (we went in to DH's work an hour after landing to meet people) and wants to go out for a drink with me, yet when I met her she virtually blanked me and just talked to DH in semi-code and in-jokes.

So am I being lonely, bored and jealous, or should I bring it up with DH / do something?

[Naetha]

He hates mumsnet and thinks its full of feminist relationship-breaking bitter bitches.

I don't think it would have the desired effect. I may show it to him anyway.

[bubblegumpop]

feminist relationship-breaking bitter bitches. He's not got a great opinion of women then? He sounds delightful.

No wonder he is being such a selfish knob, I'd watch him.

Oh and MR Naetha, I am happily married, with a husband who travels. I'm not bitter or a relationship breaker, if you do read this.

You are bang out of order.

[ChitChattingWithKids]

I think Naetha is in Brisbane - judging from a previous thread.

[Naetha]

Hey I'm in Brissie too - would be great to meet up :)

I did say to him before we came that I didn't want him going on any nights out (i.e. where I'd have to do the whole day and bedtime routine by myself with two under threes) until we were settled in our rented (rather than temp) accommodation. Then he asked if he could go out for a quick drink one night this week - I wasn't happy but I agreed reluctantly. Then tonight he sends me a text at 5pm saying he's off to the pub. I said I was OK with, because I didn't want to be a killjoy, but after the kids' 5th meltdown in an hour in our rented accommodation with overflowing suitcases everywhere I knew I couldn't handle it.

[Shoni]

My best advice tell him you all as a family need to be happy and settled! If he does not understand this then go home hen! Or at least threaten him with the idea!?

[AnyFucker]

Naetha, funnily enough I am not at all surprised at his view of MN

[AnyFucker]

Was he a selfish person before you emigrated ?

[Naetha]

I think I'm going to try and focus on the whole getting the family established here as a priority - a priority over going out with friends etc.

If his friendship is still worrying me after that, then I'll cross that bridge then.

Thank you very much for your support with this - it's great to know that MN is there :)

As for his opinion on MN, well I can't say he's entirely unjustified as the only threads he's read have been the more extreme AIBUs and relationship threads, and the people who have the more inflammatory opinions seem to be more vocal and persistent.

[AnyFucker]

ah

< takes the hint >

[PeppermintPasty]

Good luck x

[SenoritaViva]

Naetha I showed my DH an MN thread (everyone agreed he was being a bit selfish) and it did not help the situation at all!

OK, so if you don't know where you're going to live then go and spend a day in each of the possibilities, check out the parks/shops/cafes etc. whatever might be important to you. Going to playgroups in the good areas is also a great idea.

Find another MNer and go for a drink with them or do something this evening and tell DH you're heading out (even for a walk on the beach) and he can do the kids tonight. Let him do it alone and give yourself some time to think whilst he sees that you both need to support each other settling in.

I think your DH has just got his priorities a bit out right now (and is probably being a bit naive about this woman - I agree that her blanking you makes you think she might be after more) and needs to be realigned (if he does end up reading this thread, I am no particular feminist and I'm into fixing relationships not damaging them!)

There's nothing worse than really needing someone and feeling like you're being labelled the 'killjoy'. There is also nothing lonelier than being in a relationship but not having the other person there when you need them (when you're on your own you don't get let down because you don't have the expectations. DH and I temporarily broke up for a few months because of this very reason, we're happy and back together now but at the time I was miserable and yes, I was abroad too, so I know how you feel).

[swallowedAfly]

good idea for you to make a plan to go out tonight or tomorrow night - i agree with that. i think actions speak louder than words and that will remind him that you ARE a person with needs too and that he IS a father not a new boy at school.

[Binfullofmaggotsonthe45]

I'm so sorry that your exciting life changing move and fabulous opportunity has been ruined by your husband being a dickweed.

I agree with all the posters that it's red flag time, although at the moment he seems all grateful and puppy like to have the attention of new friends, especially if she is playing that flirty but just one of the lads card when out with him.

The issue going forward is, the more you nag and moan about it and the imbalance of your lives (ie you left to do all the shit while he bigs it up in Oz) the more he complains to her and the more ammunition you give this nasty bitch.

And I hate to judge people but the whole blanking thing when you met her confirms it for me. She is single, lonely and jealous and will start picking you apart if she spends too much time with your DH. He will be receptive to it too if things are miserable at home.

My DH sadly feels the same about mumsnet, when I showed him a post I had written about some issues we had. Anyhow, it's not his arena, it's yours, and you find the strength and one liners on here, not him.

If I were you, I'd draw a line under the past behaviour and start planning activities for you all. The kids aren't in school, so bedtimes aren't life threatening at the moment are they? Spend some evenings bbq'ing, eating out, exploring the pavement lifestyle. Find a babysitting firm super quick and start planning some evenings out together, reaffirming why it's fun for you both to be there. Why not get him to ask her to babysit? She was so looking forward to meeting your family after all! If you meet her again and she blanks you, I would make a point of saying "Hi" right in her face, and loudly, then if she blanks you, she looks totally ridiculous.

Don't dwell on feeling lonely, my marriage hit problems as i mentioned and the hardest thing was having no backup, friends or family nearby (I live in mainland Europe), so get a plan together to get these in place now.

His male, family oriented work colleagues must have kids, so ask him who has family and for contacts for coffee, drinks etc. Everyone is right about joining a club. Expats have to be a bit more forward, they try and make friends faster and grow a social circle. This was hard for me as my friends developed over time, last week I was having coffee with a lady in our area, completely different ages, backgrounds, outlooks, religions, I thought what would I have in common? We had a lovely evening, but you have to throw yourself in completely and make it happen.

Good luck sweetheart x

[swallowedAfly]

tbh honest you'd have thought a man who had been separated from his kids and just dragged them across the world for his career might actually want to be there and spend time with them only 5 days in

[Naetha]

Surely demanding a night out myself tomorrow undermines the whole thing of trying to make the family a priority?

[swallowedAfly]

i do see your point yes. i'm not really talking about 'demanding' a night out. just needing to get out of the house for a half hour walk for a change of scene and some headspace. you're home all day every day with them right whilst he's got plenty of time in varied environments, away from children etc. i reckon just getting him in from work on time and saying right i must get out for a stroll before i go stir crazy and letting him do a bit of a turn at the kids in the new house and getting them settled for bed etc might make reality sink in a bit.

you could always come home with a bottle of wine afterwards and sit down together and talk about plans of what to do over the weekend etc.

[swallowedAfly]

i actually think that having that walk and half hour/an hour of headspace would also put you in a better frame to come home with that bottle and talk to him and start plan making etc. you can't have had a minute to yourself since you got there!

[ChildofIsis]

My blood froze when I read this.
I put up with xh 'helping out' a single mum friend of ours for 2 years. I even applauded him for his benevolence.
It turns out xh is having an affair and is the kids father.
Please be careful, I never expected this to happen to me.

I hope it turns out to be innocent.

[soggy14]

ask him how he'd feel if you spent this much time/efforton a new relationship with an attractive, single, available (high earning? - ie male equivalent of young and thin) male. Must be lots of them in Oz :)

[SeoraeMaeul]

The first move we had abroad my DH went out 5 months before me and the kids, there were good reasons for this but I'll be honest that and the next couple of months when we got back together as a family and a couple were probably the hardest in our relationship and it took a long time to get back to normal. Part of this was the move abroad - combined with me going from Working Mum to SAHM - but part of it was he'd had a significant time away from the family. And as much as he missed us and was happy for us to be back he'd sort of forgotten the mundane routine of it and the explosive moments (bath and bed being one!) Meanwhile I was in full swing of a) dealing with it all myself and b) resenting that I was dealing with it all myself.

That may sound like a tangent but don't discount the huge change in relationship the move will have made. And make sure you talk that bit through - as much and in some cases more than the potential OW side of it.

For what its worth I think he is caught up in the whole newness of country, work and for the last 5 weeks lifestyle - especially if there is a big social scene with his work (out of interest are there lots of singles or is it family men who are also going out for drinks? If the latter could be harder to tear him away as he comes back down to earth). As for her motives - who knows but I'd be seeing it as a red flag.

Personally I'd maybe not go out for the evening but I would go to "explore" over the weekend leaving him with the kids. He needs to get back into Dad role and the kids will love it. And frankly you need a break! FWIW we've just moved into a new country and new home - and on Saturday I will be getting my hair done, pottering round the shops and sipping iced tea in cafes! This was my big lesson learnt from the last time ;)

[joblot]

So he can go out every night and you can't go out at all? How come the family stuff is solely your responsibility? Soundds v unfair and inequitable to me.

And he seems not to care one jot about your needs and wants. I'd start looking at return flights

[soggy14]

Thinking about it - I think that Seoro is very right but also could it be a cultural thing? Ie do most people in Oz socialise like this around work?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

naetha,

re yoru comment:-
"I think you're right in that he has no intentions of an affair - emotional or otherwise, but he is being naive and carried away"

You've let him off lightly here; I would have to advise you that most people who have emotional affairs always say that they never intended to have one. I would trust her about as far as I can throw her but she is not the main problem here; it is your DH who you need to talk to and seriously as well because you need to remind him what he stands to lose. He seems also to have the most power within your relationship too, you seem to acquiesce to his wishes easily.

If there were any serious problems in your relationship before emigrating, emigrating has also brought these problems with you.

[Naetha]

To add to the fuckup, he hasn't arrived home yet - I spoke to him over an hour ago and he was on a bus or train. It's a 20 minute bus ride.

So not only am I fuming with rage, but I'm starting to really worry now.

[MangoMonster]

Please try not to worry or jump to conclusions. I guess he's phone isn't reachable. I know you're going to be fuming by the time he gets back, but please try not to say anything that you'll regret tomorrow.