Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another no sex thread....

28 replies

beellix · 19/09/2011 17:23

I know it's been done many many times on here, but I need to know what to do. We have 2 DCs, youngest is 13mo, and yes we are exhausted, etc etc.

But it's been TWO YEARS since we last had sex.

We are more like joint childminders and on and off mates than husband and wife. We hug, never kiss, never even attempt anything intimate. I am scared to as my shattered self esteem could not handle rejection.

Then today (tmi alert) i cleaned out shower and found that he's not having a problem with the mechanics of it all judging by his extra time in the shower in the morning.... I am not a prude but why the hell can't he spend that extra time in bed with me and at least attempt to be intimate?

To be honest, I have had enough. I have told him how depressed it makes me, he says we'll sort it out then that's it for another few months.

I can't stay in a marriage like this, sex is absolutely not the be all for me but it is an important part of a relationship. But I can't ask him to leave as our DS worships him (he is a good dad).

What the fuck should I do???

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 19/09/2011 17:36

You need to tell him that it has got to the point where if things do not change, you will separate. and you need to mean it. He needs to tell you why he prefers to fly solo than to be with you. And then, you both need to decide whether you have a relationship to save. If so, fine, you both need to say what you are going to do to get back on track, if not, well, you then need to decide whether you are prepared to live in a sexless marriage, re-negotiate the terms of your marriage to allow you both to seek NSA sex elsewhere, or separation.

And a good dad is one who has enough respect for the mother of his child, that he doesn't disregard her wishes entirely when it comes to such a fundamental element of a marriage.

Nippysnippy · 19/09/2011 17:43

I don't think you should stay in this marriage.
He isn't listening.
It's not normal and you can't use the child as a reason to keep an unsuccessful marriage afloat.
I would push for a temporary separation with view to going it alone. If he steps up and really starts to work on your marriage all well and good but going on what you have outlined it is unlikely.
Sometimes it is better to bail out before things become bitter.

LancsDad · 19/09/2011 17:47

A mans view fwiw. sorry if tmi towards the end.

I've been married 20yrs and I guess like every couple we've had a couple of drought periods, although 2 years seems a very long time. During these times, I missed sex, could still happily diy, but the longer it went the more nervous I actually felt about having sex - It turned out my wife felt and was doing exactly the same.

One of us needed to 'take the bull by the horns' to break the cycle / routine we were in.

So my advice is be brave and do something to surprise him and take the initiative. You don't want to risk rejection so try something you know he'll find hard to stop once you've started and then it's like riding a bike. being woken up by being given a blow job got me over any nerves very quickly.

AnyFucker · 19/09/2011 17:48

I have to know this

what the hell did you find in the shower ? Confused

Original poster
beellix · 19/09/2011 17:54

Wank - it solidifies when wet and blocks up the overflow thing. Nice eh? Jesus, an MSc and I get to spend my Mondays cleaning up wank. Sorry I thought it would be obvious!

Thanks Lancsdad, what you say makes sense. I just need to figure out if I can be bothered any more Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/09/2011 17:57

It isn't obvious

You mean spunk blocks drains ?

fuck me, does he ejaculate pints at a time ? Confused

I have never, ever heard of that

Here's me just getting irritated with my teenagers hair blocking the plughole

Ok, your other problems aside. if your drains were really blocked by spunk, why didn't you make him clean them? That is fucking disgusting.

AnyFucker · 19/09/2011 17:59

I will STFU now, and let you get some help

< every day's a school day >

Original poster
beellix · 19/09/2011 18:00

Oh my thoughts exactly - he obviously wanks a lot. I feel wonderful now, my marriage is shit

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/09/2011 18:03

I have offended you.

I apologise.

frazzle26 · 19/09/2011 18:03

I'm sorry, but that is so gross. I can't believe he leaves his cum for you to find in the shower, how disrespectful!! What are you, his maid??!!

As for the no sex thing, haven't really got much to add apart from you need to just talk to him about it.

Nippysnippy · 19/09/2011 18:12

You want out of this marriage don't you?

Original poster
beellix · 19/09/2011 18:18

I am too scared to even think about life on my own with two kids under 4. But too scared to imagine being a shrivelled bitter old woman if I stay with him (unfortunately, like my mum Sad)

OP posts:
Original poster
beellix · 19/09/2011 18:18

Parents marriage was hideous and mum is VERY bitter

OP posts:
Geordieminx · 19/09/2011 18:28

You have the power to change this.

You need tl take control of the situation, and be strong, don't be the victim, because you aren't.

Sit him down, tell him that you aren't happy with the lack of sex, that its an important part of your marriage and not a part you are prepared to do without.

Perhaps try and get to the actual reason behind the lack of intimacy? Stress? Health? Sheer fucking laziness?

You have to be strong, because otherwise he will think that you can go on like this forever, and that nothing will happen. Tell him that unless he attempts to try and sort this then you assume your marriage will be over, you have to mean it. Whilst life as a single parent to 2 small child may be hard to get your head round, can you cope with the alteranative? A life without any intimacy? A life that you look back on in 20 or 30 years time and see that you have wasted? You don't want that? I would rather be single than waste my life.

As for the disgusting state of the shower, I would really fucking shame him over that, it's not acceptable, not ever. Tell him if you have to clean that again then you will put it straight into his tea. Dirty fucker.

Nippysnippy · 19/09/2011 18:32

Why are you scared?

Original poster
beellix · 19/09/2011 18:39

Been with him for 17 years, live far from family, would have to move, not sure where this list ends...

OP posts:
Nippysnippy · 19/09/2011 18:42

Nothing above to be scared of. If the practicalities were sorted out would you leave?

Original poster
beellix · 19/09/2011 18:45

I wouldn't know where to go. I know I am being a coward

OP posts:
Nippysnippy · 19/09/2011 18:47

The majority of what you have listed are practical changes and not insurmountable. You have really lost your confidence it seems. Being with someone for x amount of time is no reason to continue if it has stopped working!

Nippysnippy · 19/09/2011 18:49

You are not being a coward you are just facing up to the reality of the situation. You want to end this relationship by the sound of it. It's O.K. You can give yourself permission to go.

Nippysnippy · 19/09/2011 18:51

What are your options if you want to leave?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 19/09/2011 18:51

In that case, he should be the one that leaves the marital home.

Tell him that if he doesn't sort this problem, he'll have to ship out and make room for a man who prefers a real woman to a fantasy one

Original poster
beellix · 19/09/2011 19:07

I need to talk to him tonight, make him now it's on its last legs. He would need to leave, but our rent and childcare is too much for me. I need to work part time for sanity as well as income. Don't know what I'd do.

OP posts:
BettySwalloxs · 19/09/2011 19:31

Sorry you are going through this. Another bloke view. I like a shuffle in the shower as good as the next man but these blockages are alarming. Jesus. What does he ejaculate? Rice pudding?? Tell him he needs 2 take u out on a date. Come back home. Give u a very slippery massage and start kissing. The rest will take care of itself.. I speak, by the way, from a drought far longer than yours but there were medical issues. Good luck. Betty. XSorry you are going through this. Another bloke view. I like a shuffle in the shower as good as the next man but these blockages are alarming. Jesus. What does he ejaculate? Rice pudding?? Tell him he needs 2 take u out on a date. Come back home. Give u a very slippery massage and start kissing. The rest will take care of itself.. I speak, by the way, from a drought far longer than yours but there were medical issues. Good luck. Betty. X

AnyFucker · 19/09/2011 19:52

So good you said it twice..