Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

please remind me what a knob he is and how lucky i am to be out

35 replies

craftyknickers · 17/09/2011 22:22

I left my ex a month ago because of abuse (emotional and violent)

The last straw was he punched me in the face and left me with a huge black eye.

I have now found out he has moved on already. I dont want him back, i hate him. But i feel so stupid and so angry that he is already moving on to the next one like i didnt exist.

Im sat here crying feeling so gutted but I dont want to cry about him, i dont want to feel anything about it.

I wish i had never met him!

I just need reminding that he is a cock! Stop me crying about him please.

Sorry its ranty i just needed to talk

OP posts:

GeekLove · 17/09/2011 22:25

Think of the positives. The rest of your life is ahead of you and the best thing is that it without him. Hooray!
Whereas he is still him and will always be him and you know hat sucks 'cos he's a knob.

Its a start.

BelleDameSansMerci · 17/09/2011 22:26

You're not crying about him though, are you? You're grieving for the hopes and dreams you took into that relationship. You're crying, perhaps, for the memory of a person who doesn't really exist... He's an abusive bully who obviously has to have someone to pick on. You moved on. You cut yourself free. You got shot of this excuse for a man. I'd suggest you cry it all out and then give yourself a big pat on the back.

Original poster

craftyknickers · 17/09/2011 22:29

im not really sure why im crying to be honest.

So i know what a complete arse he is.

I just didnt expect him to be totally heartless this quickly.

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 17/09/2011 22:37

OP he is being heartless because that's who he is. Heartless . He doesn't feel the real, normal loving feelings you do. And he has to keep moving, if you stand still you need to confront who you are and what you did. A weakling like him will never brave that.

You are going to be allright. It's healthy to cry and be upset.

Yesterdays · 17/09/2011 22:37

You need the list. List all the bad things about him from the serious violence to the petty , ie nose picking ball scratching . Write him an angry letter but dont send it , its very therapeutic .

They always line up the next victim quickly , thats no reflection on you , rather its his own issue about being alone . He,ll no doubt be in love with her within a week . Presumably you were meant to know about this ? Dont fall for it . He is a cock , a bully and your well rid of him .

Give yourself some time to recover , and fully expect him to try to talk you round . Be kind to yourself , domestic violence is no joke and will take some recovering from . Induldge yourself , have a mega bath and sob it out . You should cry , whats happened to you is horrible .

He,ll be a distant memory one day . But the upset is necessary , its part of moving on and recognising youve been treated badly . Good on you for getting rid of this arse hole .

HotBurrito1 · 17/09/2011 22:38

Chin up Crafty, this fella so isn't worth your tears. Better times are ahead now. But as BelleDame said, maybe you just needed a good blub.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 17/09/2011 22:39

It's as Belle has said. Cry it out and make some of those tears ones of relief that he cannot abuse you again.

You may be just a notch on the bedpost to him, but you're worth so much more.

You're over the worst and, as you dry your tears, spare a thought for all the other women he'll mistreat and move on from without a backward glance.

beatenbyayellowteacup · 17/09/2011 22:47

He's lined up his next victim so quickly because it's probably the only thing that makes him feel powerful. He has no real strength or he wouldn't be an abuser - he has to suck his strength from gaining power over someone else. It's not about you, or her. It's only about him.

Cry and cry some more. But let the tears turn into feelings of gratitude and excitement about your newfound freedom and whole life!

Congratulations for getting rid of him.

notsorted · 17/09/2011 22:50

It's ok, it will get better honestly. I was where you are at the beginning of the summer. I felt literally pinned to the bed by grief and fear about being on my own and not being able to cope with the DCs. Now I am starting to feel very much better. I never believed people on these threads saying time heals but it definitely does or at least lessens the pain til it is a manageable size. Read things about abuse, read all the relevant threads here. Also take a look at the EA thread, the book list and come and join us. No one is judgemental, everyone has ups and downs and take your time. And yes, push the next woman out of your mind or at least relish the thought that he hasn't had a chance to sort himself out so he is still the same person in a new relationship whereas you are going to get strong, knowledgeable, self-aware and be a million times better than he is eventually.

Original poster

craftyknickers · 17/09/2011 23:05

Thank you so much everyone. What would I do without mumsnet. Im going to print this off just incase i have another day like this. Your advice is amazing.

Yesterdays :O at nose picking and ball scratching. made me laugh.

Can i ask a question about DV: I have photgraphic evidence of my eye and he already has three complaints on his record for hitting me. It has been four weeks since he hit me, is it too late to file a complaint? I feel that he is walking around thinking he has got away with what he has done, i didnt think he would be like that hence me not going forward sooner.

I know he will try and say i hit him and thats why he HAD to punch me. This is not the case but its his word against mine.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

craftyknickers · 17/09/2011 23:05

Yesterdays that was supposed to be a

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 17/09/2011 23:15

I can't give any advice on that but I'm sure it's not too late. It's also your word against his remember...

Got sidetracked. I just popped in to say crafty, you're fab and you're doing great. I was very angry for you...but you're gonna be fine

Original poster

craftyknickers · 17/09/2011 23:19

Thank you Tall that means so much to me.

He has made me stumble a bit today but ive had a good cry and im getting back up to fight another day

OP posts:

Yesterdays · 17/09/2011 23:24

You can still file a complaint if you want to Crafty .

A few years ago i was where you are , it was horrific and i ranted and vented on here , i was a mess . I dont know how i would have coped if i hadnt have had the support of mumsnet .

Nowadays everything is differant , and i cant beleive i put up with that sort of shit . I had counselling via womens aid that helped a lot too , and the counseller encouraged me to think about the things that i learned about myself that i previously would not have known which i did . I learned how i arrived there and why i had excused it previously which was invaluable as i didnt want to go there again .

We also talked about why he was like that , his family ect , not excusing , but understanding . It all helped .At one point he could reduce me to tears with a single insult . Now there is absoluteley nothing he could say that would effect me in any way . Hes old news , someone i used to know and bareley think about . In some ways ive forgiven him , he is what he is .

It will be the same for you . Get on with that list !

Original poster

craftyknickers · 17/09/2011 23:27

He has threatened me saying that if i go to the police then he will tell them i have damaged his back (he is disabled) I am very worried that as he is disabled they will favour him and ill end up getting into a lot of trouble because of his lies. Yes i hurt him but it was him in my face calling me a slut and a cu*t and i couldnt take it so i pushed him away from me. But he is so good at twisting things.

Right that list.....this is going to be a long one!!!

OP posts:

Zacsbird · 17/09/2011 23:28

I was exactly where you are 3 years ago. I knew deep down I had made the right decision for my sanity and my health but it hurt so much.

I used to cry all the way into work, be completely normal and fine all day and then cry all the way back home in the car. It is a form of grief for the future you thought you had.

So cry and rage as much as you can, it's totally normal and not for 'him', it's for you and will make you feel so much better.

Not sure how long you were together but either way well done for getting out, it's tough but you will get through this.

And pity the poor woman he's with now you have had a lucky escape.

Original poster

craftyknickers · 17/09/2011 23:33

Zacsbird i was only with him 18 months (i feel lucky i wasnt with him 25 yrs like some mn'rs)

I am 23 and he is 39 so he is very experienced at what he is doing. I am not the first by far! At first i was flattered by the attention but ive always thought something was wrong. It started very early on, he hit me about a month in but my then it was drummed into me that i was mentally ill and i was in the wrong.

I have been seeing psyciatrists and been on meds as i really thought i was ill and i was the one starting all of this. It has taken me to now i realise that actually i was being abused. When it dawned on me it shocked me, he put me in hospital and i was stupid enough to blame myself!!

OP posts:

beatenbyayellowteacup · 17/09/2011 23:35

Gosh craftyknickers you have been through hell. You are amazing for getting rid of him and for coping so well.

I do think it is worth reporting it - even if there isn't enough evidence to do something about it, at least it's another one on the record.

Zacsbird · 17/09/2011 23:35

Sorry Crafty the thread moved a lot since I posted. Yes of course you can bring a complaint, especially with previous on the records. Don't be afraid of his lies, my ex used to do this to me he would injure himself, just bruises and then show them as things I had done.

Shame he forgot which arm, leg, part of his body I was supposed to have hit when I questioned it.

Original poster

craftyknickers · 17/09/2011 23:36

this is what i am thinking but i am just so scared of him playing the 'im diabled how could she hurt me?' card.

OP posts:

beatenbyayellowteacup · 17/09/2011 23:38

He has form. He is obviously not so disabled that he can't punch you in the face. If he is disabled already, it will be hard for him to prove that you have injured his back, as he has no evidence; whereas you have a photo and his history on record.

Original poster

craftyknickers · 17/09/2011 23:40

Ah that is a very good point beaten he has always had problems with his back. feeling bit more positive now.

He has RA so when he has a flare up he can be poorly but that hasnt happened for a while. He is well enough to go clubbing etc. I so wish that a benefits officer could see him out on a saturday night.

OP posts:

beatenbyayellowteacup · 17/09/2011 23:44

Don't forget he'll have to have a story that actually corrobates with his injuries, if he wants to trip you up.

beatenbyayellowteacup · 17/09/2011 23:45

oops posted too soon.

And RA degeneration is not an acute injury which he would be claiming you gave him.

Original poster

craftyknickers · 17/09/2011 23:48

he is claiming i have made him have a flair up by injuring his back. I dont think thats the story he gave the doctors though but i cant be sure.

I am going to get some advice on monday about it all because he needs to know he cant get away with this. Not only has he hit me but he is harrassing me.

Im so angry with him! i was getting on with my life and enjoying it before he started again!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2