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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP called to say too drunk to DS up from School

41 replies

Orchidlady · 16/09/2011 10:03

I am fucking furious, DP rang me @ 3.00 yesterday to say he could not pick DS because he was actually pissed out of his head @ work. He eventually turned up @ 6.00, having got a lift from a woman who works @ near him. My friend was here with her kids when he turned up, I just feel so embarrassed, he was so incoherent. There is a long history which I have posted about many times before, so sorry if this is boring I just need an outlet and to have people keep telling this is not normal. I thought we were getting somewhere with the AD's but it seems not. I know I should kick him out the sensible part of me knows this, so why am I sitting here feeling so sad again. I told son that dad was not feeling well and that was why he did not pick him up. told DP this is what I told him, unfortunately DP forgot this and told him a some bullshit story, DS is 11 and not stupid and knew his dad was lying and also obviously drunk, after DS asking me again again, I told him the truth, don't know if this was the right thing to do but I hate lying. Poor kid is going through enough settling into his new school without this crap. Have to say was pretty rude to dp this morning whilst he was waiting for a lift by his woman friend. He asked if son was ok and I replied " what do you care" had the nerve to look hurt.

OP posts:

PeppermintPasty · 16/09/2011 10:08

Morning. Well, I don't know your history I don't think, and you obviously realise this is not normal.

You seem to have gone very gently on him-I'd have told him to get out(speaking from experience) until he sorts himself out and decides if he wants to be a grown up or a drunken teenager.

I take it there have been problems. With alcohol? Has he ever got help?

SansaLannister · 16/09/2011 10:14

You're with an alcoholic. You can go to Al-anon or Women's Aid but please do something. This is already affecting your child so much.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/09/2011 10:14

He shouldn't be drinking on ADs anyway, certainly not heavily.

I totally agree you should not lie to your son. Don't tell him more than he has to know, but make that little be the truth. He needs at least one parent he can trust.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 16/09/2011 10:28

Quick history, he has been diagnosed with depression and been on medication for a few months, and of course he should not be drinking on the AD's. I told my friend last night about what has been happening ( not everything because too horrible, had to talk to someone in RL eventually. She knows dp very well. Said she could come over tonight but I just am too embarrassed in case he gets pissed today. He seems to be confused why I am angry, I know he is likely to take an overdose so, he is on road to nowhere right now and I don't know what else I can do to stop him, part of me think he will need to hit rock bottom. Admitted he had stopped taking meds for a few days, so not sure how quickly this would start to affect someone.

OP posts:

notherdaynotherdollar · 16/09/2011 10:28

i dont know the previous story, but i would be fuming as well

in fact i would probably think about going it alone if it was a recurring theme

SansaLannister · 16/09/2011 10:34

You are not responsible for this person's depression or his refusing/stopping meds or abusing alcohol on them. You are not responsible even if he takes an overdose.

Living with him is having a very negative effect on you and your child.

PeppermintPasty · 16/09/2011 10:39

Is he working today? I take it that work makes no difference and he may get pissed anyway? Is there somewhere he could go ie you pack him a bag and get him away from you and your son?

Take the offer from your friend-that's why she is your friend, right? No need to be embarrassed with such a friend.

How do you feel about going it alone?

Mouseface · 16/09/2011 10:40

Bloody hell Orchid

I do know your history and can't believe (well, I can actually) that he is still being a shit.

Has DS said anything to you about it?

LisasCat · 16/09/2011 10:41

By the time I was 11 I was aware that my dad's drinking was not acceptible to my mum, and would regularly find his secret stashes hidden around the garden or in the garage. It was a short step from that to being his co-conspirator, helping him hide them, lying to my mum to cover for him. It also created a huge rift between me and her, because I had grown up normalising his drinking, thinking she was just a mean old nag for always going on at him.

I only tell you this to show you some of the possible effects of exposing children to an alcoholic parent. She stayed with him out of a sense of obligation, that children should be raised in a two parent family. The day she left him our whole family dynamic shifted, and I began to form my own opinions of my father's life choices.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 16/09/2011 10:47

Working, that a bit of a joke really. He is self employed and works on his own so can do what he likes, tbh, I have no idea where he is today. This woman picked him up this morning and I was so angry did not trust myself to speak. Just the snappy comment about "what do you care" when he enquired about ds, as I had just got back from taking him to school. I know hs is ill and needs more help than he is getting but he needs to help himself. I feel like calling the MHT again before he does something stupid.

OP posts:

Original poster

Orchidlady · 16/09/2011 10:55

Hello MF, things seem to be improving for a while and meds seem to be working, he even started to see things in a positive light, had his ups and downs, but last few days have turned to shit again. DS kept asking me about why dad did not pick him up so I told him the truth, well not the whole truth as I would have thought the idea of your dad is sitting alone in his workshop contemplating suicide would be too much for the poor kid.

Lisa, as much as I hate his drinking I try to keep to nagging to mimum and hs does not attempt to hide it anymore. At least he is no longer lying to me.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 16/09/2011 10:59

When I ran out of meds I was a mess within 24 hours. You cannot just stop taking medication it's potentially dangerous.

You can drink on AD's.

The problems go deeper than this though, he sounds very selfish and does not consider his family a priority. can he not move out for a trial period.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 16/09/2011 11:06

Really Fabby 24 hours, that will explain things. You say you can drink with AD's but don't think 4 bottles of wine would help. I have told AD's and drink to be mix well Yes you are right he is being very selfish, when straight he is full of remorse. Seems to dislike his physch n now, said does not seem to care, had a episode of self harming recently where he deeply gashed his arm with a knife, he said he showed her this and she seemed unconcerned. Maybe I should call MHT, or GP?

OP posts:

mummytime · 16/09/2011 11:19

Do you think he has a drink problem (it sounds like it to me, but...)? I would suggest maybe talking to al anon.
Yes talking to the MHT or GP might be useful, but what they can say to you will be limited.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 16/09/2011 11:19

Oh dear seems he is now missing, just had a call from someone he was supposed to meet @ 10.30, who I know he would want to see. Not picking up phone @ work.

OP posts:

Original poster

Orchidlady · 16/09/2011 11:21

mummyt the man is a raving alchoholic, just thought things under control. He is given permission for GP to discuss things with me.

OP posts:

Mouseface · 16/09/2011 11:40

Orchid - call the GP. Can you get his meds for him as well?

I'm with Fabby on this, I missed one day of meds and was completely fucked up. I hadn't realsied what it was but in that short space of time, I was very ill. Physically as well. Headaches, shaking, dizzy spells. I thought I had flu.

Where was he meeting this person? Could you go there and see if he is near by?

Big hugs to you, I know that things had gotten better for a while, such a shame to read your posts xx

mummytime · 16/09/2011 11:41

Well I would inform the police he is missing, if he is. Share his state/emotional state. Contact al anon (I couldn't be sure it wasn't a one off, but I still thought he sounded alcoholic). Contact his GP.

Personally I would kick him out. You could be enabling him.
It is not doing your son any good either. He might find alteen help.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 16/09/2011 11:50

I had no idea that missing meds for such a short time would make such a huge difference, it was explain a lot as he he seems to have reverted to what he was like before taking them. I only found out last night he had not taken them for 3 days.The meeting is some way from here, his friend waited an hour and not picking up landline Also he has left his mobile @ home for the past 2 days which is very strange.

OP posts:

onehellofaride · 16/09/2011 11:51

Even though you love him and want to help him you should think about your DS.

for you

Mouseface · 16/09/2011 11:57

I think you should call the local police Orchid, just talk to them and explain the situation. He has MH problems and if he is getting drunk somewhere now, he could actually end up seriously hurt or worse.

I understand that it's not easy for you and it's bar far not as simple as kicking him out but you do deserve a better life than this, and so does DS. He's 11, he's getting savvy to what is going on, he'll start to blame you for hiding things so let him know that his father is ill.

Sit him down and tell him about the situation. You'd be surprised at how much children can cope with.

You need as much support as your DH does. You can't 'manage' him alone.

What help does he get now? Any support within the community?

Call the GP too.

CactusRash · 16/09/2011 11:58

Ring the GP and the MHT if he has one.
Ring the police too, tell him he hasn't truned up his meetings and that he was contemplating suicide yesterday/drunk/ not himself.

When you know he is safe, then think about yourself. You need to protect yourself and your dc.
Have you see the GP yourself to see what kind of support you could get? I'm not thinking AD or any medication for you, more someone you could talk to re what is happening at home, someone who could guide re the effects on your ds and what would be the best way to handle it.

HairyGrotter · 16/09/2011 12:00

I grew up with an alcoholic father, it was horrible. Tell your DS the truth and do what is best by the DC's. Al-anon is great.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 16/09/2011 12:00

It is really sad because since taking to meds he has taken more time for DS, taking him to skate park etc. has been a much nicer person

OP posts:

CactusRash · 16/09/2011 12:00

x post. I think we are on the same wavelength here Mouseface

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