DP called to say too drunk to DS up from School

[Orchidlady]

I am fucking furious, DP rang me @ 3.00 yesterday to say he could not pick DS because he was actually pissed out of his head @ work. He eventually turned up @ 6.00, having got a lift from a woman who works @ near him. My friend was here with her kids when he turned up, I just feel so embarrassed, he was so incoherent. There is a long history which I have posted about many times before, so sorry if this is boring I just need an outlet and to have people keep telling this is not normal. I thought we were getting somewhere with the AD's but it seems not. I know I should kick him out the sensible part of me knows this, so why am I sitting here feeling so sad again. I told son that dad was not feeling well and that was why he did not pick him up. told DP this is what I told him, unfortunately DP forgot this and told him a some bullshit story, DS is 11 and not stupid and knew his dad was lying and also obviously drunk, after DS asking me again again, I told him the truth, don't know if this was the right thing to do but I hate lying. Poor kid is going through enough settling into his new school without this crap. Have to say was pretty rude to dp this morning whilst he was waiting for a lift by his woman friend. He asked if son was ok and I replied " what do you care" had the nerve to look hurt.

Ill as he is, I would not allow my children to be exposed to that. You really need to think about your poor DS

Well he has turned up and is sober @ work, hopefully feeling like a twat. Still fucking furious but at least he is not drinking today. ( so far)

Orchid, your son deserves so much more than this.

yes he need a father who is not an alcholic

Orchid

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. I would dearly like to know edxactly why you are still with this man who is intent on dragging you and his child (he has previously said some despicable things about him) down with him.

You have written about this man on numerous occasions and he has done you all a lot of emotional harm. Why haven't you left him?. Why are you still there?. Are you afraid of being on your own or finances won't allow it. Neither are good reasons to stay and your children will likely wonder as adults why you put this man before them. You'd be better off without him than than acting now as his codependent enabler.

What Attila said. Hopefully some other adult children of alcholics will see this and share their experiences so you can see sense. What a sad, horrid way for this poor boy to grow up. The message he gets it that booze it the most imporant thing in the home and everyone and everything works round it.

You've been with him so long, you've become an enabler.

Atilla, that is true but since I started posting he has been diagnosed with depression, is doing therapy ( has long way to go but tying) has tried much harder with his relationship with Ds. Yes is has had some bad days yesterday being one of them. I thought it was ok to came he and have a moan to keep sane. With all due repect I don't know whether you are qualified to tell me I am "better of without him". Whether I stay with him or not he will always be DS father and have a relationship with him.

Orchid

But he keeps having "bad days".

Why live within such chaos and drama?. You must be getting something out of this relationship otherwise why remain within it. You previously wrote that he needs to help himself; you are bang on there.

What are you both teaching this young boy about relationships here?.

Re this comment:-
"Whether I stay with him or not he will always be DS father and have a relationship with him".

Well he will be his Dad but on the other hand your son may well not want to have any sort of relationship with this man when he hits adulthood. His own relationship with you at that time may well be rocky as well.

You wrote this too in your initial post:-

"I know I should kick him out the sensible part of me knows this, so why am I sitting here feeling so sad again".

You think you've failed but the only person who has failed here is him. You've done all you can to hold this together at great cost to you and your family.

There may still be a part of you that want to rescue and or save him. You probably still have some love left for him and want to help him.

orchid: attila is right, you know.

as you say yourself - he will always be DS father.

but you dont have to live with him day in day out - and neither does your DS. he can still be ds father - when he sober enough to make the contact visits.

your DS may prefer not to do the day to day thing - not knowing if dad is going to be drunk or not, if he will be up in the night hrarming himself, etc .

but yes to have him in his life when he can be bothered to turn up sober. when he can make a commitment.

your h will be as he is with or without you.
he will decide to get help or not - with or without you.

right now - he can do as he likes - there is no consequence.
he can use depression etc as excuse
you there to pick up the pieces.
and to worry.

talk to someone
talk to al anon
think about the practicalities of leaving him.
ask him to leave and live elsewhere
think about your ds's life
think about your life with this man.

for better or worse does not apply when someone choses to drink - knowing they on anti ds.

suggest he goes elsewhere to get better. if he will ever get better.

face the fact he may never ever get well - the drink or depresison will always be there - but you dont have to martyr yourself to it - or put your ds thru it day to day.

my exP is still up and down with depression.
he still refuses to believe i have left him even tho it's been 3.5 years since i moved out with dc. he wants to be altogether "as a family" as this will apparently help his depression. it wont - he was depreessed with his family he is depresed without. i currently have a very sane mature lady who has known him for years helping with supervising contact - she cant get thru to him either.

there have been many times in those years when he has been deep depresison, suicidal (or threatening to) etc...he hasnt yet achieved it.

he may still yet do so. who knows - but it is not my responsibility. it really isnt.

and what your h does - it is not your responibility.

you cannot control what he does

it wont be your fault if he kills himself - it will be his drink / depresion /whatever. better he does this away from you and DS.

you have responsibility for your life and for DS - because your H does not think about DS a lot of the time does he? you can make a choice here - to carry on like this or to change things

life is so much better for me and dc as we dont have to live with his day to day

oh and if nothing else then at the very least resolve that you jsutdont have him in your house drunk - he has to go sleep elsewhere (park bench whatever not your problem)

so next time:

"DP rang me @ 3.00 yesterday to say he could not pick DS because he was actually pissed out of his head @ work.

you say: "you do not set foot in this house then until you are sober.

"He eventually turned up @ 6.00, having got a lift from a woman who works @ near him. "

you do not let him in the house - ask his woman friend to take him home with her or drop him at nearest hotel.

"My friend was here with her kids when he turned up, I just feel so embarrassed, he was so incoherent"

turn your embarassment to anger - stand up to him so your friend sees you do not tolerate that behaviour in your house. turn him away at the door if he drunk. if he gets agressive call the police.

you do NOT let him in the house at 6 pm or when ever he turns up.

tell him today - no more drunk in the house - next time you drunk you dont come back. fullstop.

One important thing has happened since having therapy ( if he had refused this then I would have no alternative but to kick him out) he has actually been able to show love and affection to DS, he also actually takes him places on his own and actually enjoys it. He also now does not lie to me about his drinking, as much I was mad with him yesterday about drinking during the day, he did not risk getting in the car and driving, and arranged a lift home. In the past he would have taken risks. Before he would not admit that he was an alcoholic or had problems I feel accepting it is a start, he does have some very good days now. Maybe there is hope. I have spoken to DS and explained Daddy is not well and trying to get better, I also have been a rock for him and he knows he is dearly loved.

Indeed Cactus

I have to agree with Atilla and Cest here.

How long is this going to go on for Orchid? You have to think of the long terms effects he is having on DS.

I remember my real father coming back to the house absolutely blind drunk, insisting on seeing us. I was 3yrs at the time. I remember the smell on him, the way he stumbled around our bedroom, told us how much he loved us, how small he looked, how dirty his face was, unshaven and red.

He'd already been thrown out by then.

Your DS is 11. Not 3 so will pick up far more. He'll see YOU, he'll see just how much this is hurting YOU.

Cest is right, don't let him home drunk. Ill or not, he shouldn't be putting you both in that position. Make arrangements for him to go elsewhere when he gets like that. Somewhere that you know, that's safe for hm.

You still need to get hold of his GP and tell him/her what is going on currently, how DP has changed over the last few days.

He needs help and I don't think, as much as you'd like to, that you can be the person to give it him.

You are too emotionally involved.

Yes, you post here when you are pissed off at him, high on adrenalin at what he has done 'this time' so you should be able to understand why posters are saying 'here we are again' or words to that effect.

Because this is not the first time and it won't be the last unless you take control of this. Yes, he is ill, he needs help and you need support YOURSELF through this, and DS.

You have to treat him like a child. Because that is how he's acting. Lay down boundaries, rules and what he can and can not do in the house, like drinking.

If he values you, DS, your relationship then he will try to get help, he will try to stop this in it's tracks.

If he has gone past that, if he is at the point of no return and now only thinking of himself, which alcoholics generally do, then you have to leave him to it.

You have to let him go and get better without you. If he is hell bent on getting pissed and being out, doing his own thing, going AWOL, then you need to leave him to it. You can't change that. It's programmed into his head, it's what he wants to do.

He needs help.

Hello Cest, you are probably getting bored of me. I take on board what you say, I know over the years I have come to normalise things, that some people would class as totally outrageous. You are right technically I should have told him to fuck off last night but easier said then done, ds would have been so very upset, he loves his dad. DP for all his failing has never been violent towards me, just not in his nature. I suppose because at last he is taking therapy and taking to drugs ( could be improvement) and drink really has been curbed ( well not yesterday) , not perfect but curbed. I feel I want to give him a chance, trouble is when things go wrong it hard and feel I need to rant, sorry. 20 years is a long time with someone and just to give that up

Hi orchid,

BTW how old were you when you met this individual?.

You have certainly come to normalise a lot of what is not acceptable to many people. You've become conditioned to it over the years.

DS loves his Dad no doubt (but he could equally be afraid/embarrassed/ashamed of him) but sees his Dad treat you and him like something he's stepped in. He is receiving a lot of mixed messages here from both of you. What relationship lessons will he carry forward to adulthood?.

You and your son come a dim and distant second even if your man even sees you as high priorities which he likely does not. You may well love your man still but you run a very real risk here re your 11 year old. As an adult he may well ask you why you put his Dad and his drink problem before him, if that happened what would you say in response?. He may well not want anything to do with either of you at that particular time.

How many more chances are you prepared to give him, how many more does he actually warrant?. You've made a 20 year life together but at what cost to yourself and your child?. What binds you to this still?.

it is easier said than done.
but you have to resolve to do it. next time.
because there will be a next time.

not to tell him "f off" ranting andraging -
but calmly - in front of DS and your friend-
you state very clealry -
on doorstep

"H - you cannot come in the house while you are drunk like this. please go and stay elsewhere til you sober".

then you shut the door. and ignore.

see he was clever/coherent enough to get a woman to drive him home.
and he knew you would let him in even drunk.

(and maybe this woman knew too - oh i will take him home to orchid she can deal with him, she always takes him in whatever state he is in.... )

small steps -next time drunk: he doesnt get to come in. simples.

that one decision you make to do that next time - could be the start of you taking control and you not letting him and his drink/behaviour control your and DS life. .

just as calling 999 next time he self harms in the house - dont clean him up and wait til morning - dial 999 right there and then. let them see the blood.

resolve to do it.

and also make sure DS knows how and when to dial 999.

because living with a depresive drunk - he needs that knowledge too. he really does.

the more decisions you make like this; the more boundaries you decide on and keep to - things will change. and taking control may mean you make big decisions - or it may mean things get better -

but watch out

as he may fight back when he realises you standing up to his behaviour - like a small child he will tantrum for not getting his own way any more....

my exP did get aggressive and violent when i wasnt "obeying" him and enabling him and making excuses for him any more....