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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

need advice re cheating dh

32 replies

keelybooboo · 15/09/2011 13:41

in march my world was shattered when i found out my dh was having an affair with a work collegue

after a lot of soul searching i decided that i wanted to stay in the relationship and i'll hold my hands up to my faults - i know i'm not blameless

whats troubleing me now is that 6 months on his efforts to be better/more loving/attentive seem to have died off

i don't believe for a minute that the affair is still going on but i just don't get some things

examples - i bought the shirley glass book 'not just friends' and went on and on about how brilliant it is and how much it has helped me but yet not once has he ever picked it up and looked at it

he admitted to unprotected sex - i said i wanted tests done for both of us he said he'd sort it but nothings been done

got a couple of bunches of flowers after hints but the last one was a good 2 months ago

i think i'm worried that we went through this 'hysterical' bonding that i've read about and i felt amazing and like a love sick teenager and now what i'm feeling is reality and i don't like it?

thnks for reading ths far, any advice would be appreicated

OP posts:
sternface · 15/09/2011 13:49

Then you re-negotiate.

You say that the shock has now worn off and you have realised that he really hasn't done enough to convince you he's worth forgiving. Then reiterate your conditions for staying in this relationship.

It sounds as though you took some blame for his actions though - and that is always unwise. Also, it's your responsibility to yourself to get yourself tested - not wait for the person who jeopardised your health, to arrange tests.

It sounds as though he thinks that whatever he does or doesn't do, you will never have the courage to leave him.

Is he right?

Original poster
keelybooboo · 15/09/2011 14:14

why is it unwise to accept some blame? and you're right about the tests-i guess i just wanted him to prove that he can actually do something he's said he's gonna do without being nagged. epic fail.

i'm also finding myself thinking about other men in a tit for tat way - and i know thats not a good sign

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 15/09/2011 14:15

Are you saying that you feel he has not addressed the reasons why he had the affair along with his issues, lack of boundaries and vulnerabilities?

Remember that the affair is about him and that he chose to shag a colleague instead of trying to work through relationship problems.

I do hope you are not having sex with him as you both need to be tested for STDs first.

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/09/2011 14:19

Why should you take the blame for the affair? He is the one who broke his marriage vows, he is the one who promised to be faithful.

You both are responsible for your relationship vulnerabilities. I would advise you to re read Not Just Friends to help with this and with your feelings about him. I think you need to talk to him about how you feel.

And FFS, do get yourself tested - your health is at stake here!

Original poster
keelybooboo · 15/09/2011 14:20

no mad i think we both understand why it happened, i'm just pissed off i suppose that he seems to think that its all over and done with now and that i've obviously forgotton about the STD tests now as i haven't mentioned it for a couple of months

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 15/09/2011 14:21

What actions did you take that led to his affair?

countingto10 · 15/09/2011 14:23

If you haven't had counselling now is probably the time, both solo and joint. We had counselling straightaway upon the discovery and, in hindsight, that was too soon because I was in a very traumatic state.

I presume your DH is allowing you unfettered access to his mobile, emails, facebook, etc as a bare minimum. TBH it took my DH a good 6/8 months to truly get it and after several meltdowns from me. Now he has taken himself back to counselling 2.5 yrs later to deal with stuff from his childhood - he has loads of issues (the affair being a symptom of these complex issues).

Try counselling and if there are no changes (sometimes a TP pointing things out does the trick) then you have your answer.

Good luck.

mumsamilitant · 15/09/2011 14:27

To be honest I don't know many men that would pick up self-help book and read it.

And yes, press again for test said in an unscaremongering way

People do have a tendency to slip back into old, comfortable ways. Just give him another massive kick up the jacksy stert reminder its only 6 months on not 6 years.

Original poster
keelybooboo · 15/09/2011 14:27

well it sounds lame but he honestly believed that i no longer loved him-i was pretty nasty

he absolutly agrees that it shouldnt have happened and he should have left rather that have an affair

i don't want to live this crap existence, i'm 34 ffs - i want it to all go away and never have happened

OP posts:
mumsamilitant · 15/09/2011 14:27

"stern" not stert!

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/09/2011 14:28

If there is nothing left, its probably best to be honest with your H and end the marriage - however, I get the impression that you feel your H is not taking enough responsibility? He needs to know what you are thinking and feeling and counselling sounds like a good idea (we had some and it really helped).

Original poster
keelybooboo · 15/09/2011 14:34

i think counselling would help but he's not keen and i know i would have to do all the bloody arranging

yes he's very open with his phone and has deleted his facebook

is it normal to have revenge affair thoughts?

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 15/09/2011 14:38

Re you being nasty - when did that start? It would be interesting to know if this began around the time when OW first came onto the scene (i.e before the actual affair).

This is a common pattern as the betrayer often starts to detach/withdraw from the other partner, causing a vicious circle of criticism, nagging etc before and during the affair - that way they can justify having the affair as their wife didn't understand them/was nasty etc.

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/09/2011 14:41

I never thought about having a revenge affair and I do wonder if you are thinking these thoughts because your H isn't doing everything he can to help you recover. I am sorry but this lack of taking responsibility (its his mess FFS) would be a deal breaker for me - there is no way I would have stayed with my H if he didn't arrange everything and left all the work to me.

Original poster
keelybooboo · 15/09/2011 14:50

the trouble is, how honest is it best to be? do i actually tell him that i'm thinking about fucking somebody else just to get back at him?! maybe he needs that reality check or it'll make it worse.

he only met the ow in nov 10 when he changed jobs - affair went from jan-march. i've been horrible for alot longer than that!!

and for the record he still fucking works there and that feels bloody awful knowing that he lays his eyes on her everyday

OP posts:
sternface · 15/09/2011 14:51

Yes, I'd be very interested to hear just when you started being "nasty" OP. How long has he worked with this colleague OP?

Shock that reading a book is seen as too onerous a task for an unfaithful man Hmm

Original poster
keelybooboo · 15/09/2011 14:56

got to do school pick up now

will have words tonight i think

of all i've said it's the not looking at the book thats hurt/pissed me off the most! irrational? i don't know?

OP posts:
sternface · 15/09/2011 14:58

So what has he actually done OP?

None of the things that are recommended, by the sounds of things. No counselling, no STI checks, hasn't read anything, didn't change jobs and is still in daily contact with the OW. Perhaps he thinks it was worth it? Apart from a few recriminations, the effect of his affair was that you clung on to him and acted like a lovesick teenager around him.

Does he respect you, do you think?

mumsamilitant · 15/09/2011 15:25

Wanting a man to read a book about relationships??????????? Mine would rather poke sharp sticks in his eyes.

countingto10 · 15/09/2011 16:28

Mind didn't actually read the book (doesn't read any books at all, never) but I did make a point of reading all the relevant bits to him, for him to inwardly digest and to comment on eg was it relevant to his affair or not etc. But we were also having counselling at the same time so an understanding was reached between us already that work was needed to repair the marriage and he was no prize Hmm. Indeed I was the prize and he had to work at changing himself to win me.

I think you need a serious discussion with your H tonight OP - I also wonder if there isn't something going on with the OW still, that he hasn't fully detached from her Hmm.

everyonebutme · 15/09/2011 21:01

I could have written your post Keeley. I got confirmation from him end of Feb/March. Had a bad day today and feel that he's doing nothing to help with the recovery. Or to find out how I'm feeling. I've read the book too and suggested it to him but he won't read it. I think he thinks that by ignoring what's happened and not talking about it and me going on ADs everything will be OK with me. And I'm still in so much pain :(

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 15/09/2011 21:32

Overall, itseems that you rewarded him for having an affair and now you're considering having one because either:

a) You want to be the object of his attention

b) You want to hurt him the same way he's hurt you

c) You need confirmation that you are still attractive to other men

None of the above will make you feel good and you will risk some spectacular backfiring if you act on your impulse to engage in tit-for-tat because:

a) He may vote with his feet

b) He may feel less guilt about his own affair and no pain whatsoever

c) As any woman can get a shag anytime, you won't have proved anything if you cop off with another man plus you've got no guarantee that the lucky guy will stick around for longer than the time it takes one night.

Now that the novelty's worn off and he's no longer paying you any special attention or showing remorse for his actions, you're back to reality.

If this is the same reality that you experienced before his affair, you may need to ask yourself whether you want to stay in a relatonship with a man who's cheated on you and takes you for granted or whether there are steps you can take together to make your marriage a more satisfying union.

maleview70 · 15/09/2011 22:14

To be honest he probably thinks it's all over and done with now. Some Men can move on very quickly from things. We can hate another man, have a fight with him and then have a pint with him an hour later. We can end a relationship and be in another a week later.

He probably made a bit of an effort at the beginning, got you behaving like a loved up teenager, got you to admit your part in it which will have made his guilt 50% leas straight away, bought a few flowers and thought thank fuck for that, she has forgiven me and life rolls on.

It sounds to me like he has put this to bed and thinks you have too. He will no doubt be surprised when you bring it up again.

FabbyChic · 15/09/2011 22:33

Your looking for things.

When you look you find them.

You cannot live in the past and have to decide if a future is what you really want.

If you cannot get over this affair, and I don't think I ever could, then you have to be honest with him and yourself and move on from it and split up.

Him having the tests would have been a decider before even considering sleeping with him again.

sheba2288 · 16/09/2011 00:23

Keely - you sound exactly how I felt when my H had an affair last yr. And your H sounds like my H's twin!
H really found it hard to come to terms with what he had done for a number of months. And I was really berated on MN for sticking by him, when he didn't seem to be trying.
It has only been during this summer that I have finally noticed a change, a year on! One of the turning points for my H was he went to counselling on his own. We tried Relate as soon as I found out & he found it quite overwhelming though it did help me.
Likewise, I tried and tried to get him to read the whole of Not just Friends. He only managed a couple of chapters.
But what has helped us is to have to frank, honest conversations. Not all the time, even though yr H may want to brush it under the carpet, you have to get through to him that you cannot deal with it in the same way. I would seriously try and get him to realise what you're feeling at the moment.
Even though I have been pretty sure that OW has not been on the scene (romantically) since discovery, but again like you, I have had to contend with her still being at work with him. Even this week, I have had to bring up their work situation. I need to know that his barriers, ie Glass' windows, are firmly in place for me to see that she has no way of disrupting our relationship again.
I know every couple react differently, but if your H is indeed my H' secret twin, his reaction to you is one of 'here we go agin' then I think you should have this talk with him.
Hope this helps - I'm not as eloquent as some of the other MNers so sorry if this sounds disjointed!

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